Embracing Danger (18 page)

A tear slipped down her cheek and landed on her white blouse. “It’s easy to say but the reality is much different. I couldn’t rob you of your chance to be a father. I couldn’t do that to you.”

His head jerked up and his brows pulled together. “Easy? You think it’s easy to say? That I’m just being glib to spare your feelings? Fuck, Arden.” He stood and strode to where she was standing by the window, his fingers clamping down on her arms. “Giving up on the idea of being a dad isn’t easy but compared to giving you up? That’s not even a contest. You win every time. Hell, we could have adopted or had a surrogate. Or we could have rescued half a dozen dogs and spoiled the hell out of them. It wouldn’t have been easy but we would have been together. Dammit, I loved you.”

His hands dropped away and he paced the floor, his fingers scraping through his hair. “I know why you didn’t tell me but damn, I wish you would have. I wish you could have given me a chance to be more than a stupid, self-centered kid. We lost so many years, princess.”

He couldn’t stop his own tears now and the last few words came out choked as his throat closed up. Struggling to drag air into his aching chest, he gripped the edge of the bar fighting the urge to smash his knuckles into the polished oak, creating one pain to help alleviate another greater one.

“I had so many emotions to deal with, Shane, but mostly I was scared. Worst case, I had cancer and best case I might not lose all of my female organs but the chances of ever having a baby were low. I was terrified, literally shaking in my shoes every time I went to the doctor. I guess…I guess I just wasn’t sure you were ready to make that big of a decision about the rest of your life. The dreams we’d talked about were so different than what I would have asked you to embrace.”

It came down to one fact. And it hurt.

“You didn’t trust me.”

Arden sucked in a breath and he knew he’d hit a bullseye.

“It wasn’t like that.”

“Wasn’t it? You didn’t trust me to stand by you when you were sick. You didn’t trust that I loved you more than those silly fantasies we had. And you sure as shit didn’t trust me with how much pain you were in
every goddamn day
that we were together. In fact, you went you of your way to make sure I didn’t know. So don’t say it wasn’t like that. That’s exactly how it was.”

She shook her head, her lips trembling as more tears fell. “I wanted the best for you. I was protecting you from settling for a life that you wouldn’t be happy with.”

“You thought I would come to resent you eventually?” he prompted.

“Yes, and I couldn’t stand to see your love grow into hate.”

He shrugged and wiped at his damp cheeks with the back of his hand. He was secure enough in his manhood to shed some tears. “I think I need some air, so let’s forget about breakfast.”

“Where are you going?”

Despite the pain he was in he was still coherent enough to hear the echoing pain in her voice. She was hurting as much as he was but he could barely deal with his own.

“Somewhere. Anywhere. Maybe back to the lake from last night. Maybe to a bar or a strip joint. Hell, maybe I’ll hop a flight to Vegas. I just know I need some space.”

“I’m so sorry, Shane.” Arden choked and she buried her face in her hands, her shoulders shaking with sobs. “I just loved you so much. I never stopped. I swear I’ve thought about you so many times over the years. I wanted you to be happy even if it wasn’t with me.”

It was hard to be angry with her for a misguided but selfless act.

He still loved her.

He didn’t like her all that much at the moment.

He was angry at what had been stolen from them. Frustrated at thinking that she didn’t love him all this time. It had been a waste and he couldn’t quite wrap his mind around the consequences – to both of them – from this one decision.

Fifteen years ago, Arden had turned her back on him. This time it was his turn. He grabbed his key card and stuffed it in his pocket, betrayal and hurt churning in his gut and bringing the bile up into his throat.

He walked out of the door.

*     *     *

Arden’s sobbing finally
subsided sometime after Shane walked out. At first, she’d thought he would immediately turn around and come back but as the minutes ticked away she realized she’d hurt him too much. He was angry and in pain, the same wound that festered in her own heart. Truthfully she wasn’t sure how they were supposed to come back from damage this deep.

At some point, their breakfast had arrived and she was sure the waiter was worried she was either a criminal on the run or a rock star as she’d kept her head down so her hair fell over her face. She hadn’t wanted him to see her cry.

Padding into the bathroom, she rinsed her face with cool water and tried to repair her red, swollen eyes. She wasn’t a pretty crier and this was worse than usual. Between the black mascara running down her face and the splotchy skin she was officially a mess.

Once put back together she popped open a ginger ale and settled onto the couch, her stomach too queasy to even entertain the idea of eating. Feeling like the world had ended took a lot out of a person.

She didn’t blame him for leaving. On the contrary, he’d shown amazing patience and managed to hold onto his temper even when she’d known he was furious.

He was also right. She hadn’t trusted him or herself but she’d been not much more than a child at the time, terrified and easily persuaded. Her father had been the first to plant the idea that Shane might not want a female that couldn’t give him children. She couldn’t blame Ben, however. He might have planted the seed but she’d given it plenty of water and sunlight until it had taken over every thought in her head. She’d been obsessed with Shane turning his back on her either then or in the future.

Listlessly, she checked her phone for any messages before switching on the television. The noise made her feel less alone. But it didn’t change the fact that she was.

*     *     *

Shane walked along
the city streets, hands shoved in the pockets of his jacket and his eyes down. He barely registered the sounds and people around him, his mind focused on one person.

Arden.

It was too late for what-if’s, although a torrent of them had run through his mind since he walked out of the hotel room. She hadn’t believed in him and that hurt. But she’d been hurting just as badly or worse, going through a nightmare he wouldn’t have wished on his worst enemy. He was angry and sad that he hadn’t been there and he’d taken it out on her.

What part had Ben played in all this?

He couldn’t get that question out of his mind either. Young Arden had idolized her father to the point she hadn’t believed a word Shane had said against him. Facts and evidence hadn’t made a bit of difference; she’d been loyal and true. If Daddy Dearest pushed her to leave Shane then there was a good chance she would have done just that.

With the unfurling truth about her past, it was clear she’d been lied to and manipulated most of her life. It wasn’t a shock that she’d left him. Not really. Sheltered and naive, she would have taken every word from Ben’s lips as the truth.

Another reason to kick his ass the next time Shane saw him.

The past couldn’t be changed. They were different people than they had been but the feelings were still there, stronger if anything. If they tried hard perhaps they could have a future together. It wouldn’t be easy; there was a great deal of hurt to work through, but being with Arden would be worth it.

Stopping suddenly on the sidewalk, Shane smacked his forehead and groaned silently.

What in the hell am I doing here?

They’d been given the thing he’d hoped and prayed for…a second chance. Now he only hoped he hadn’t blown it. He turned on his heel and headed straight back to the hotel. And Arden.

‡

T
he hotel door
was thrown open and Shane stood in the opening with an intense expression on his handsome face. Arden’s heart lurched in her chest and her breath halted for a moment as her scrambled brain tried to make sense of what was about to happen. Was he here to scream and yell? Tell her she was a terrible person? Pack his things and leave?

He strode in and stood in front of her as she huddled on the couch, her knees brought up to her chest and her arms wrapped around her legs protectively.

“I’m sorry. I’m a fucking idiot but I’m sorry. Please forgive me.”

Huh?

“What? I don’t understand.”

“I’m sorry,” he repeated, the words echoing in her head. “Please forgive me.”

Letting go of her legs, Arden stood up on trembling knees. “What exactly am I forgiving you for?”

A smile slowly blossomed on his face, showing off the Anderson dimple in his cheek. “For being stupid and walking out. I should have got down on my knees and thanked the heavens that you loved me that much then and maybe still do, but I had to get all butthurt and bent out of shape. Can you forgive me?”

He still loved her. He was talking about a future and that’s what she wanted, so why was she hesitating?

There was one thing they needed to clear up. He had to understand.

“I can’t have children, Shane. Can you be okay with that? I made peace with it years ago but I know this is a shock to you.”

“I can be. I guess you’ll just have to get all my love and attention. You won’t have to share me.” His expression turned serious, his brow wrinkled. “I know we have a lot of work to do here and I’m not trying to minimize that. But dammit, I want a second chance. I’ve never stopped loving you. When I saw you that night at the party, it was like someone had punched me in the gut then gave me an uppercut to the jaw. You make me crazy but mostly you make me happy. Do I make you happy?”

Joy fluttered inside of her like the wings of a thousand butterflies. She’d never believed she’d hear those words again.

“Yes,” she whispered, the beating of her heart sounding like a marching band in a Fourth of July parade. “Yes, so much.”

“And do you forgive me?” he persisted when all Arden wanted was for him to throw her on the bed and ravish her at least a couple of times.

“Yes, I do. Do you forgive me?”

He shook his head, this time reaching out so his hands ran down her arms before pulling her close. The heat from his body instantly warmed her own and she breathed deeply, letting herself get high on his scent.

“There’s nothing to forgive. You were just trying to do the right thing out of love.”

He bent his head so his lips could ghost over hers, softly and then firmer, his tongue snaking out to trace her lower lip.

“I don’t know about you but all this forgiveness has worn me out,” she said huskily. “Maybe we should lie down for a while.”

Before she could take another breath, he’d bent over and pressed a shoulder into her middle so he could carry her, fireman style, back to the bed. Forgiveness was sweet indeed and she intended to savor every moment of it.

*     *     *