Authors: Leddy Harper
“I’m trying to give them time with her, but it’s hard as hell, Dre. I want to be sitting next to her, holding her hand, talking about the weather or what’s going on in the news.” I took a breath and stood up straighter. “But I know that’s selfish. Your parents need time with her, too. As do you. It’s so hard not to be greedy…” My voice tapered off into airy words, my emotions taking over too fast to control.
She placed her hand on my bicep and squeezed in reassurance. “We’ve had this routine for a while now. I get breakfast with her before my shift starts, and then she rests until lunch. My parents are here from lunch to dinner, then I takeover again after my shift. I stay for an hour before heading home, giving her the rest of the night to sleep. Now we simply have to find a way to add one more person into this schedule. I know you have so much you want and need to say to her, and it probably seems like my parents are wasting time by sitting around talking about what Aunt Steph did yesterday…but it’s what they need. You’ll have your time. I promise.”
I nodded, knowing she was right, even though it ate me up inside. It was so damn hard to step aside and be selfless when all I wanted was to spend every second with Layne, and Layne alone. I opened my mouth to say something, but stopped once I noticed the orderly with the cart of food coming toward us.
Drea moved around me and opened the door. She held my forearm and led me into the room again. “Dinner is on its way,” she said in a singsong voice, the complete opposite of how she’d sounded in the hall.
It confused me for a moment before I realized the purpose of her cheeriness. I hadn’t once thought about what it was like for Layne to have gloom around her all the time, and it suddenly made sense why her parents talked about mundane topics with her. Just like that, a wrecking ball crashed into my chest, demolishing everything I’d wanted to say to her. And I was left not knowing how to put my love into words without casting a dismal shadow over our time together.
Her parents stood and kissed Layne’s forehead, whispering words to her so quietly I couldn’t understand any of it. They glanced down at her once more with smiles on their faces, pride brightening their expressions, and then turned to leave the room. Drea followed them, offering me a moment alone with Layne.
I slowly crept to Layne’s bedside and dropped the bag Drea and given me. It landed on the nightstand. An ache started to spread in my chest, but as soon as I closed my eyes and thought about what to say, it dissipated and left me with a small smile curling at my lips.
“Drea said she packed me a T-shirt she found in your room. It’s mine. If I had to guess which one you took with you, I’d say it’s the grey Duke one with the blue devil.” I could still vividly picture her wearing it to bed, the length hitting her mid thigh and leaving me wanting to touch her bare legs.
Layne closed her eyes and hummed. A peaceful grin took over her pouty lips. “Could be. I definitely took that one. But it could also be the yellow Myrtle Beach shirt, or the red Superman one.” Her words were filled with amusement, happiness, and it eradicated any chance of dread that still lingered in the room.
“How many of them did you take?” I hadn’t realized any were missing until after I moved into my own place. I’d been unable to handle staying in the same room we’d shared for years. Except, I hadn’t thought she’d taken the shirts. I assumed I’d lost them in the move. Now, a swell of contentment filled me at the notion she’d taken them to feel closer to me.
She’d moved me with her the only way she could.
“I’m not sure. I took a lot of stuff. I guess the thought of moving away without you turned me into a clepto,” she said with a laugh, which caused her to become slightly out of breath.
I opened my mouth to respond at the same time I reached out for her to offer her comfort, but the door opened again and forced me to pull away. I turned and noticed Drea walking in with the orderly. I found myself stuck between irritation at their interruption, and relief. I didn’t want to talk to her about the time she left, so I settled with being thankful Drea chose that particular moment to come in.
“Let’s eat so I can go home and do some laundry.” Drea winked at me while carrying a covered plate on a tray to Layne.
I ate my entire burger, surprising both Drea and myself, while Layne played with her soup more than she ate it. I was surprised Drea hadn’t said anything to her sister about eating, like she had with me, but I kept my thoughts to myself. I was sure they’d had this conversation before, so it’d be pointless to bring it up again.
Once her tray had been taken away, Drea started packing up to leave for the night. She came to me with her palm open, a knowing grin on her face. The amount of smiling around this room seemed odd, yet at the same time, comforting. When I first came in and noticed Layne in bed, hooked up to monitors and wires, I didn’t think I’d ever be able to smile again.
“Keys please…I’m assuming your clothes are in your car?”
I released the physical key from my fob and handed it over. “You can take that with you and just bring it with you in the morning. I don’t need it to use my car.”
“Fancy,” Drea said with a slight roll of her eyes. I knew what she thought, yet she couldn’t have been more wrong.
“Upgraded to a luxury car, huh?” Layne asked from her bed, her words low and drawn out, showing how tired she was.
I shoved my hands into my pockets and nodded with my head down. I didn’t want her to know the reason why, knowing it would put a damper on her previously happy mood. But when I sat next to her again, she wouldn’t stop staring at me with questioning eyes. The same look she’d given me so many times before when she wanted an answer without coming out and asking for it.
I released a long sigh, hoping it’d offer enough time to formulate the right words in my head. Finally, I gave up trying to sound politically correct and just went with the bare, somber truth. “My old car reminded me too much of you. Your smell was still there, like it’d seeped into the upholstery and came out through the vents. Everything from the night at the drive-in to the time I took you to the park near my parents’ house became unbearable to remember, and that car did nothing but remind me of it all.” I hated how I made it sound like I’d thrown away all our memories. Every important milestone we’d overcome. “I thought getting a new car would make the pain go away, but it never did. Even with the new car, the new house, drowning myself in work at the firm…the memory of you lives inside me. It is inescapable.”
“You were really mad,” she said as she reached out and held my hand.
I shook my head, upset with myself for allowing her to misunderstand me. “Not with you. I thought I was, but after the storm had settled, I realized my anger had been misdirected. To begin with, yes, I was upset with you for leaving. And then I found myself angry at the world, bitter because it seemed like we had been put together for a reason, and then senselessly ripped apart. I thought we’d been in a lose-lose situation. We’d planned this future together, yet we couldn’t live it out because the meaning of your life brought you here, and the purpose of mine kept me there. It wasn’t until a couple of months ago that I realized I’d had it all wrong. I have always wanted you to be happy and follow your dreams, yet when you did, it wasn’t part of our plan and it took me by surprise, which in turn, pissed me off. I blamed you for doing exactly what I’ve always wanted you to do, because it wasn’t how I wanted you to do it. Nor was it some injustice of life. I used to look at everything in our way as hurdles, and we managed to jump each and every one of them. However, the unjustified rejection I harbored over you wanting to move away, blinded me. Instead of a hurdle, I saw a brick wall. A barrier. And I let it keep me from you. I was wrong, Layne. About everything.”
“You weren’t wrong…only misguided.”
I leaned closer to her and propped my elbows on the edge of the mattress. “I don’t want to waste time talking about this, Layne. It’s pointless, because we can’t change anything. There’s no reason to rehash it.”
She traced the lines on my face with the tip of her finger, a soft and careful smile gently curling the corners of her mouth. “It’s not pointless, Creed. You need to know I forgive you, even though there’s nothing to forgive. You had your reasons to stay. You made a choice and I accepted it. I didn’t agree with it, much like you didn’t agree with my choice to leave, but in the end, we both made choices for ourselves. I had to accept it, because the alternative would’ve been worse. Had I never left, the cancer still would’ve returned, and I would’ve been there, dreaming of what it would be like to be anywhere else.”
“Did you know about the cancer when you left? Be honest with me.”
My sudden question must’ve shocked her, because she closed her mouth and blinked her tired eyes at me a few times. “No, I swear, Creed, I had no idea. I had everything transferred to my new doctor and began seeing him in July. Everything was fine. I got sick in December with the flu, and then a stomach bug the next month. I didn’t think anything of it until the stomach bug didn’t fully go away. The vomiting stopped, but everything else remained. I didn’t even think about cancer; I thought it was an ulcer. I was working crazy hours and not taking care of myself the way I should’ve been—my diet was all out of whack. So I assumed it was that. I went to my regular physician, and she finally sent me to the hospital. She thought the same thing I had about it being an ulcer, but she assumed it had ruptured. The rest is history.”
My eyes burned and clouded over until I dropped my gaze. God, how I longed to shelter her from my emotions. She didn’t need my sympathy. But she refused to let me hide from her, and cupped her hand beneath my chin. She lifted it with a shaky grip until our gazes met. Tears filled hers as well, and that’s when the dam broke. I crawled into bed next to her and held her close.
And I cried with her.
T
he sun blinded
me as I watched Layne jump around in the surf, dancing in the waves. Her laughter was loud, withstanding the wind and sounds of the ocean. I sat in the sand not far from her, enjoying and witnessing the excitement on her face, the way she enthusiastically kicked the white caps…living so freely, the joy inside her became embedded within me. I’d never experienced anything like it before.
I pulled myself from my spot in the hot sand, walked toward her, and caught her attention. I wasn’t sure why I felt such a strong need to take her picture, but it was an urge I couldn’t fight. With my phone in my hand, I stood next to her, my clothes soaking up the moisture of her bathing suit. She didn’t care that I’d been dry when she hugged my stomach, tucked her head beneath my arm, and settle into my side for a photo opp. I didn’t care, either. I held my phone out and touched the screen, capturing the outright pleasure on her face, and the absolute adoration on mine.
After a few kisses, I returned to my hole in the sand and went back to admiring her from afar. The brightness of the sun began to dim, and her laughter grew more distant, as well as the crashing of the waves and the whipping of the wind. Everything slowly became muffled, every sound garbled. Yet I couldn’t take my eyes off her, regardless of the muted noises or the fading light around me.
My limbs grew heavy and my head became hazy, everything around me slipping away faster and faster. But I didn’t panic. My focus remained on Layne until the last possible second, until the black static closed in and left me blind and the heaviness pulled me away.
I blinked several times, allowing the faint light to come back. The burning tingles in my arms slowly went away as soon as reality resurfaced. I was in the hospital, not on the beach with Layne. The memory so vivid it seemed like it had been yesterday, not years ago. I’d stared at the picture so many times over the last few weeks it had become engrained in my mind. Whatever the reason for my dream, it didn’t take away the facts.
We were in a hospital, not on the beach.
Layne was dying, not laughing in the surf.
Yet one thing still remained…the overwhelming love I felt for her inside. It’d never go away. It ran through my veins, resided in my bones, and was felt with every beat of my heart. Every breath I took. It eased an ache, and I knew she’d always be with me, no matter the outcome of this.
I turned my head toward her, my neck protesting every movement. The chair had seemed like a good place to sleep since I needed to be close to her, and the couch was too far away. Although, waking up from a night of sleeping practically upright left me revising my plan. I figured I’d move the couch closer next time. In the end, it didn’t matter, because I was by her side, holding her hand throughout the entire night.
The early morning sun barely lit the room, and I found Layne still asleep. The low creak of the door caught my attention, and I noticed Drea walking in with my duffel bag in her hand. I took it from her and decided to utilize the time to wash up in the bathroom. I hadn’t wanted to take a shower, worried I’d miss Layne waking up, but I felt gross and wanted to freshen up. I knew Drea was out there with her, so I wasn’t overly worried. Regardless, I hurried and made it back to her in time for the breakfast cart to come by.
Drea placed an egg and cheese sandwich in front of me after I resumed my spot next to Layne’s bed. I rolled my eyes and said, “You don’t have to mother me, you know,” which spurred Layne to giggle. The sound was soft, barely audible, but I felt it. My heart sped up a little, each beat slightly deeper than before, reacting to the sound.
“Don’t argue with me.” Drea pursed her lips and peered at me in humor with raised brows and a tilted chin.
I knew it was coming, exactly like before. Her lips grew tighter the more she fought to contain her grin, and Layne didn’t help at all. Her laughter started off small, which immediately grew into waves of muffled giggles as she tried to cover her mouth with her hands. If I closed my eyes, I’d swear it was five years ago all over again.
“Hah! I won!” Drea jumped from her chair at the end of Layne’s bed and raised her fists in the air like a boxing champion. “You totally smiled first! I finally won!”
I hadn’t even realized my mouth had parted with an aching grin until I glanced over my shoulder at Layne. Her laughter subsided and playfulness twinkled in her bright-blue eyes. She nodded, assuring me I’d finally lost to Drea. Little did they know, the only reason I’d lost was because I’d been focused on the sound of Layne’s laughter. Though I wouldn’t tell them that. I’d let Drea believe she’d finally beaten me.
Once everything calmed down, Drea quickly ate her breakfast and left for her shift. Every time she walked out of the room, leaving me alone with Layne, an overwhelming feeling came over me to say everything I needed to. However, it was as if Drea had taken my words with her, leaving me with nothing. I knew Layne was tired and needed rest, especially after the nurses came back with another dose of pain medicine, so my window of opportunity was small. I held her hand and leaned into the bed, getting as close to her as possible without climbing in with her as I’d done the night before.
“Tell me about the firm…about what you do.” Her voice was weak, and I could tell it wouldn’t be long before she was asleep again. I didn’t want to waste the time telling her about the one thing I’d chosen over her, but she wanted to hear it.
I told her about a few cases, and the deposition I’d been working on prior to leaving. Before I could finish, her eyes closed and her breathing evened out. I spent the rest of the time watching her sleep, waiting for the lunch change over. I now understood the reason for the shifts. I’d wanted to spend every minute with her, but it quickly became evident how hard it would be. Either way, it wasn’t easy—watching her sleep was excruciating, although at the same time, being away from her left me sick and unable to concentrate on anything. Worry and panic filled me no matter where I was, because I knew I had so much more to say, and I couldn’t if she didn’t remain conscious or if I wasn’t there.
Drea came upstairs with her parents, and then took me down for lunch. She had packed food for me, so we sat at the same table as before and ate, killing time before I could return to Layne. Drea suggested I give their parents a little longer with her today, except I had nowhere to go. With a smile on her face, she led me to the children’s corner. It was a small room on the first floor near the children’s wing. It was empty so I had my choice of beanbags to sit in. She left through a side door and then came back a minute later with a remote in her hand.
“Watch whatever you want…but keep in mind this is for children. I only ask that you turn on a kid-friendly movie if anybody shows up. Other than that, relax and try not to obsess about Layne, okay? She’s with my parents, which means she’s in good hands. It’ll only be for another few hours. I’ll come back to get you before dinner.”
I nodded and proceeded to pass the time with an animated movie about monsters, followed by its sequel. I’d groaned in protest to myself when it came on, although it didn’t take long to enjoy the tranquility a child’s movie could provide.
Before long, Drea returned for me. The second movie was almost over, and I guess she could tell I wanted to finish it, so she dragged her own beanbag chair next to mine and finished the last fifteen minutes with me.
We made it to the room moments after dinner was delivered. Their parents said their goodbyes—even to me this time—and left. The three of us ate in relative silence before Drea grabbed her coat and purse to leave.
“I want to talk to you about something,” Layne began as soon as the door closed behind her sister. “And I need to get this out before I fall asleep again. I didn’t want to say anything about it in front of Drea, because I know she’ll fight about it.” Everything from her concentrated stare to the raspy sound of her voice told me this was a serious conversation.
I held her hand tighter and tilted my head, letting her know to continue.
“She will need help going through my things.”
“No, Layne. Please…don’t. I’m begging you. I don’t want to sit here and listen to your dying wishes. It’s…” Everything had been good up until this point. We’d laughed and joked around, and we ate in peace. Even the air around us had been lighter all day. No gloom in sight. I couldn’t handle hearing her talk about the things she wanted done after her death. It broke me apart inside, and forced my voice to come out fractured as I croaked out each word.
“I need you to, Creed. I need to make sure my sister is taken care of, because she’s taken care of me for years.” She waited for me to concede before continuing with her wishes. “I don’t know what her plans are after this. I don’t see any reason for her to stay in California, other than her job. She loves what she does, but she can do it anywhere. Without me, she has no reason to be here. Regardless, if she stays or goes, she’ll need to go through my stuff. She can’t ignore it. However, I know it’ll be really hard for her. We’ve always lived together our whole lives, so this will be the first time she’s truly alone. I know me being here and her staying at our apartment is helping her adjust, but it’ll still devastate her. My parents will be here to help her, although they won’t be able to stay for long. I’ve tried to get them to start the process now, but they refuse to listen to me. They don’t want to waste the time packing up my life as if it’s already ended.”
“I don’t blame them.”
She shook her head slightly, her eyes growing heavier. “Realistically speaking, they will only have a certain amount of time. I want to be buried in Durham, where I was born and grew up. I want to be where I fell in love.” A tear slipped past her lashes and slid down her cheek.
I gently wiped it away, ignoring my own. “You don’t need to worry about these things, Yen. You should be focusing on getting through this, not preparing everyone for the possibility you won’t. Trust your parents to handle it. Trust us to deal with everything; you shouldn’t worry yourself over this.”
“I know, but I can’t help it. I don’t want to leave you guys, trust me. I want to kick cancer’s ass and live again. So please, don’t think this is me giving up. This is me doing everything I can to make sure no one falls apart.”
I pressed my forehead to the mattress and my tears soaked into the sheets. The bed muffled my cries. Layne’s hand landed on my jolting shoulder and offered me the tiniest shred of comfort. This isn’t how it should’ve been. We should’ve been the ones to offer her comfort, making sure she was taken care of, not the other way around. Yet she wouldn’t be Layne had she not spent her time worrying about the ones she loved most.
“Can you please do me a favor and help her get my things together? Either way, I’ll need everything packed up. If I make it out of here alive and well, I plan on moving in with you. I don’t care where we go…stay here, go back to Durham, or close our eyes and point to a spot on the map. It doesn’t matter to me, because all I care about is being with you. And in the event of the alternative, I don’t want Drea to deal with it alone. She’s a procrastinator,” she added with a fleeting giggle. “She’ll be sixty before she finishes going through my things.”
I nodded and said, “Okay. I’ll help her…for
you
. But I need you to do me a favor.”
“Anything.” Her eyes widened ever so slightly, and sparkled as if a light had hit them.
“Tell me you love me.”
Her eyes closed peacefully and a dimple in her cheek deepened with the curve of her lips. She sighed before whispering, “I shouldn’t have to tell you. Your heart can feel mine, I know it. But if it’s words you want to hear…” She opened her glistening eyes and her gaze met mine. “I love you, Yang. I’ve always loved you. We were made for each other, and when we finally met, my heart became whole. You never need to hear me say it to know how true it is, and I know this because I can feel it right here.” She took my hand and placed it over the center of her chest.
I licked my lips and swallowed harshly, hoping to hold back my emotions long enough to say something. “I thought you didn’t believe in soul mates.”
“I don’t. Because we’re not. We’re heart mates. If I die, my soul will leave here, while yours remains. Yet my heart will remain with you. You will have my love beating inside you from now until the end of time. I won’t need that part of me where I’m going, so it’s yours to keep.”
“What about everything you said before? About loving more than one person…?”
“You’re taking my heart, Creed, not the other way around. You’ll still have your love to offer someone else. I, however, won’t need it. Because I’ll have my soul, and you’re already embedded in it. Your love will stay with me, and mine will stay with you, but that doesn’t mean you can’t share it with others. It doesn’t mean you can’t love another as much as you love me.”
“Please…stop talking about this.”
She wiped away my falling tears with the soft pad of her thumb. “I just want you to know it’s okay to love others. It’s okay to fall in love and get married, have a family, and grow old with someone else. It doesn’t mean you loved me any less, or somehow what we had wasn’t real. You were my first and only love. I got my happily ever after with you. I can lay here and say that for a fact. I wouldn’t chance one single thing about the time I spent with you. So you have nothing to hold you back from finding your happily ever after.”
“There is no such thing in a world where you don’t exist.” I’d said those words before, several times, yet they never meant as much as they did right now. This wasn’t a hypothetical question anymore. It was reality. And the truth was, without her, I’d never be whole again.
She smiled and turned her head into the pillow. I could tell it wouldn’t be long before she fell asleep, but determination kept her lucid long enough to say one more thing. “That’s where you’re wrong, Yang. My body may leave this earth, but the impact I’ve had on others will remain. I will still exist through Drea, through my parents, and through you. I may not physically be here, but my spirit will be, the memory of me will continue, and the love I’ve offered will live on.” Her eyes closed and her body began to relax as she whispered, “You never have to stop loving me, Yang.”