Eminent Love

C
opyright
© 2016 by Leddy Harper

All rights reserved.

No part of this book may be reproduced in any form or by any electronic or mechanical means, including information storage and retrieval systems, without written permission from the author, except for the use of brief quotations in a book review.

“…
G
ive
people you have known a fresh set of eyes, as we all learn & grow from our experiences & mistakes…”

-Diem Brown

T
he phone sat
on the kitchen table in front of me, mocking me. I bent over with my shoulders slumped forward in hesitation—or defeat, I could no longer tell. The photo I’d set as my phone’s background had become my new obsession, and I’d spent countless nights staring at it…her. Us. The picture alone held the ability to pull my thoughts back to the day it’d been taken. The laughs we’d shared were still heard loud and clear, as if resonating in the room around me. Our smiles were genuine. I never thought they’d disappear. The way she fit in my arms, tucked perfectly against me…like she had been made specifically for me and I for her. I could’ve never imagined it any other way.

Until I had no choice.

Until my arms were empty, her absence turning every fiber of my being cold.

I must’ve sat at the table for a good thirty minutes, tapping my screen every time it dimmed. I couldn’t stand the thought of her image fading away, disappearing into darkness, leaving me unable to experience the way she smiled with her entire face, making her eyes light up contagiously. Each time I saw her smile, the corners of my lips itched to break into a grin.

I’d followed this same pattern every single night for the last seven days. The only difference was the amount of time I stared at my phone each evening before giving up and putting it away. I knew I needed to man up and press the call button. I couldn’t even connect my thumb to the damn green icon. I hadn’t even come close to it. I was too afraid I’d accidently press it.

It made me a coward.

More
of a coward.

I needed to apologize, to tell her how wrong I was for letting her leave. For giving up. For doing nothing except watch her walk away when I should have fought for her—for
us
. At the time, all I had were excuses. And anger had fueled each one of them.

I
was
a pitiful coward. I could see that clearly
now.

Instead of choosing her, I’d chosen me. I’d picked a job over our relationship. Decided to fulfill
my
dreams instead building them with
her
. Except, I hadn’t realized at the time how
she
was my dream. The only dream that truly mattered. And instead of being the man she’d seen me as, I’d allowed her to leave.

And now here I sat, filled with regret.

Alone.

Sad.

Wishing I’d gone after her.

Wishing she’d never left in the first place.

Jobs come and go. You wake up from dreams, and then rest your head on your pillow at night to create new ones. Whereas love—the kind of eminent love we’d shared—was one in a million. Rare. Sacred. And I’d stupidly let it go.

I picked up my cell and hovered my thumb over the green circle. It’s the furthest I’d made it thus far, and the progress made my heart pound.
Just do it. Call her and tell her how sorry you are. Tell her you’re an idiot
. I knew it’d be useless. She had more than likely found someone new. Who wouldn’t? However, this call wasn’t to beg for her back. It was merely to apologize.

Because I had yet to do that.

I’d just let her go.

And never went after her.

I’ve done nothing for a year other than think of her and remember how good I’d had it. How healing her love was for me. How I’d never find anything resembling it again. Not like I’d tried, but that didn’t mean anything. Nothing had meaning without her.
Nothing
.

I inhaled deeply, my heart hammering away…and I pressed call. My breathing ceased as it rang. Once. Twice. Three times. And then her voice came through the line. Such a soft sound, like a melody. Warm and soothing, just like her. The air blew out harshly past my lips as I readied myself to speak, to recite the words I’d held onto for a year. Although, before my lungs completely deflated, my breath caught in my chest, burning me from the inside out.

“Hey, you’ve reached Layne. Well, not really. You’ve reached my voicemail. I wasn’t able to get to my phone fast enough, but if you leave a message, I’ll call ya right back.” With my eyes closed, I could picture her perfectly. Her smile was evident in her voice, in the way she spoke with a lilt at the end of her words.

Pain
.

That’s what listening to her voice filled me with. Immense torture. I couldn’t even form enough thought to come up with something to say. When the beep sounded, I didn’t speak. One second. Two. Three. Four seconds of complete silence dragged out before I finally ended the call.

“Fucking stupid idiot,” I said aloud as I slammed the phone down on the table. My face immediately fell into my hands. Of course she didn’t answer. She had no reason to. She’d said all she needed to say in the email she’d sent about a month after we’d broken up. An email I’d disregarded for weeks before finding the patience to open it.

I should’ve responded then.

I should’ve done
something
.

However, I chose to dismiss her and the entire situation. It had been easier at the time because I’d allowed the fury inside to burn stronger until any ounce of compassion regarding her or our life together had been decimated, charred beyond recognition. Turned into ashes and then carried away by the wind.

I squeezed my eyes shut before getting up from the table, disgusted with myself. I decided to take a shower and go to bed. Maybe she didn’t care. So maybe I shouldn’t, either. I should’ve let it go…except the guilt continuously ate at me. It held on and refused to release me, eating away at me internally until I’d become nothing more than fragments of the person I had once been. It’d turned my world dark and my heart ice cold.

The shower didn’t help, and I wondered why I’d thought it would. Nothing ever helped me forget. Instead, I crawled in bed and ended up tossing and turning for over an hour before sleep finally took me under to my escape. Only to dream of her. To hear her voice as if she were next to me instead of held captive in my memories. Her touch had been so real—so warm.

So perfect
.

C
olin and Drea
barged into the room, their hysterical laughter quickly turning the seemingly quiet room to the exact opposite. It was clear my studying would be interrupted for the rest of the evening. Colin had told me they’d be out late, so I’d taken advantage of the silence. Now I wished I would have gone with my gut instinct and headed to the library.

I glared at my roommate, and he immediately clamped his mouth shut. His girlfriend, on the other hand, continued to giggle before rolling her eyes in my direction, evidently amused by my irritation. They’d been dating for a few months, and ever since the start of their relationship, they’d done nothing but impede my study time. I’d just started my junior year of college, and after seeing firsthand what happens to those who slack off, I needed to stay focused. Their excitement for each other constantly interfered with my ability to do that.

“Oh, come on, Creed. You need to loosen up some. In ten years, you’ll look back on this time in your life and regret not living a little.” Drea sat too close to me on the tiny couch and bumped her shoulder into mine as I attempted to put some distance between us.

It wasn’t that I disliked her. In fact, I thought very highly of her. She and Colin were good together, and when I didn’t have my face in a book or a test coming up, I greatly enjoyed being around her. But I wasn’t about to get into the numerous reasons how she was wrong about what she said. She was young, just starting out in college, so it wouldn’t make sense to her. I’d been in her shoes once, which was why I knew how destructive her way of thinking was.

I shifted so she could see me as I spoke. I knew I’d come across as pretentious, which was exactly how I wanted to sound, though I needed her to see the humor in my eyes to avoid offending her. “In ten years, I’ll have a degree and a very lucrative job. I’ll have nothing to look back on and regret. You, however, probably will. After your shifts at whatever restaurant you work at, you’ll go home, look at pictures from your college days, and wish you’d spent a little more time studying and less time partying. But it’s okay, because I’ll make sure I leave you a decent tip when I come visit you.”

Her long, thick lashes rapidly fluttered over dark eyes as she fought to contain her reaction. Finally, a smirk pulled at one corner of her mouth; meanwhile, my expression remained stoic. It had become a game of sorts between us—to see who’d last the longest before cracking a smile. So far, I’d won every time. Drea said it was because I didn’t know how to loosen up and have fun. I thought it had more to do with natural talent, which would one day serve me well in a courtroom.

“Whatever. I’ll laugh all the way to the bank because you left me a fat tip after I spit in your food.” She threw her head back just as an infectious giggle ripped through her, threatening my resolve. I could keep up a solemn expression all day long—until Drea would laugh. I’d never heard anything like it before. The smooth sound rolling past her lips, deep and raspy, could rock even the most miserable person to their very core.

“Really, though…what are you guys doing here?” I asked. “I thought you were going out tonight.”

She ruffled my shaggy hair before standing up, escaping my wrath. I hated it when she did that, because it only ever happened when I needed it cut, and it did nothing but remind me of how little time I allowed myself for simple things. I had been putting it off for almost two weeks now, choosing to spend my extra time studying instead of taking the thirty minutes needed to go down the street for a trim. Anytime I thought about putting my schoolwork aside for personal time, I’d remember the first two years of college and convince myself it could wait.

“Colin forgot his debit card.” Her lips quirked to the side as she studied me. Whatever idea had popped into her brain became evident in the way her eyebrows arched, and it left me with a burning knot in the pit of my stomach. “You should come, Creed. My sister will be there. It’ll be her first time out in a while, and…well, I don’t think you’ve
ever
been out. You both need a little fun in your lives. What do you say?”

She was partly right. Ever since the beginning of the year, I hadn’t experienced much entertainment at all. I knew how having a good time was a slippery slope. I had to keep my eye on the prize, so without a trace of regret in my voice, I said, “I have to study.”

She leaned over the tiny coffee table and flipped my book closed. “You’re always studying. You either have it by now or you don’t. The more you stress over tests and grades, the worse you’ll do. It’s a proven fact. In order to truly succeed, you need to enjoy yourself some. It’ll relax you and unclog your head.”

“My head isn’t clogged.”

With her hands on her hips, she lifted her chin and asked, “What did you get on your last test?” She didn’t need to hear my answer because she already knew it. She’d been in the room when I came back from class, red-faced and pissed off at the B, even though I’d studied my ass off. What she didn’t know—what I hadn’t told her—was I’d fallen behind in the first year and a half, so I had to study twice as much to make up for it. There was no such thing as studying too hard when I couldn’t afford anything less than an A.

“Whatever, Dre. Going out and drinking won’t help me ace my test. Staying in, however, will.”

“I can’t believe you’re going to make my sister be the third wheel.”

My shoulders slumped in defeat as I stared down at the closed book in front of me. I hated guilt trips. All my life I’d been told I had a stubborn streak a mile long, although I never believed it. All someone had to do was make me feel bad, and I’d be putty in their hands. “She doesn’t have to go with you guys. So really, no one is
making
her the third wheel.”

Her eyes softened as her hands fell limply at her sides. “She’s been through a lot. We’re taking her out to lift her spirits. And from the looks of it, you might need some lifting, too. Admit it…you want to come with us. We’re a lot of fun.”

It was true. They were fun.

“Not tonight,” I replied stubbornly, my jaw set firm toward my chest.

Colin came back to the living room before I could open up my book again. “Your loss, Creed. Looks like I’ll be with the twins all by myself.”

My ears perked up. “Twins?”

Drea’s lips curled slightly, as if she’d just found the golden ticket. “Yeah, she’s my
twin
sister.”

Colin had been my roommate since we’d started college. After our freshman year, we decided to get an apartment off campus where we could have more space. I respected him and vice versa. But that didn’t mean I hadn’t noticed how hot his girlfriend was. From the moment I met Drea, I couldn’t deny how attracted I was to her. I’d always had a thing for brunettes, and I never looked twice at girls who didn’t have much meat on their bones. I preferred something to grab onto…and Drea’s thighs and ass could make a dehydrated man drool. I’d hated myself on more than one occasion for even noticing his girl. But it couldn’t be helped. I was a guy. I had perfect eyesight, and I wasn’t dead. I couldn’t be blamed for my wandering thoughts if a sexy-as-hell female walked around the apartment in practically nothing.