Authors: Leddy Harper
She stood in my kitchen in bed-ready clothes, frying eggs and bacon. Everything seemed so right—sunbeams slanting through the window, Layne in my kitchen, a warm sense of family—as if I peered through a window into my future. This would normally be an unsettling thought, yet at this moment, it did something different to me. It calmed me, filled me with excitement, and made me actually look forward to something other than law school.
It made me realize what I’d been missing.
An unacknowledged desire.
“I told you I would do this,” I said as I made my way to her. I must’ve startled her, because she jumped, her shoulders going stiff. Rigidly, she turned her head to catch sight of me over her shoulder. The bacon popped and sizzled in the grease. “You didn’t have to cook,” I added.
The kitchen was small, almost too small for two people, but I wedged in behind her and rested my hands on her hips and watched her fry an egg. She suddenly became rigid beneath my touch, and it forced me to back away.
A chill instantly replaced the space between us.
She pushed the frying pan to the back burner and faced me. Her downturned eyes filled with unmeasurable sorrow and regret, which annihilated my excitement and flooded me with unfamiliar insecurities. “I didn’t mean to react that way. It’s not you, I promise. It’s just…” She subconsciously drew her bottom lip into her mouth, bit into the flesh, and nibbled on it ever-so slightly.
I reached up and rubbed my thumb over her mouth until she released her bottom lip from between her teeth. “You don’t have to explain. And if you’re not ready to tell me, don’t feel pressured to. I can wait until you’re ready to talk about it.”
I hated how intense things had become in only one day, but I meant what I said. I could easily imagine a lifetime with her, and if waiting to learn of her demons was what I had to do, I was okay with it. We had time.
“I’ve never had a boyfriend.” Her confession came barreling out, freezing me in place and stealing the thoughts from my head. “Shit…I didn’t mean for it to come out like that. I’m just not used to that kind of affection. It was sweet, and I appreciate the gesture. I guess it just startled me.”
There was no way Layne had never dated anyone before. Impossible. How could someone so beautiful be perpetually single? Unless… “Did you not
want
to date? I mean, is it something you’re not interested in?” Normally, this would’ve been exactly what I wanted to hear. Except, the thought of it made me sick. If she told me she only wanted to be friends, I’d accept it, simply because I’d agree to anything at this point if it meant she’d be in my life.
However, I wouldn’t be happy about it.
“Life kinda got in the way. It’s what I wanted to talk to you about.”
Random, incomplete theories bombarded me. They came at me so fast I didn’t have time to evaluate the validity of one before being attacked by another. Everything from her having a kid to her being some princess of an exotic island. I’m unsure of the expression I gave her, although it must’ve given away my confusion. She stepped toward me, closing the frigid space between us, and placed her hand over my erratically beating heart. The warmth of her touch seeped into my chest, easing some of the crushing pressure behind it.
“Where are we eating?”
Her random question caught me by surprise, as well as the casual way she’d asked. Yet I chose to ignore the sudden shift in topic and answered her. “Wherever you want.”
For the first time since I walked out of my room and found her in my apartment, a smile graced her lips. It was small and slightly unsure, but at least it was something. It was the tiniest glimpse of the happy-go-lucky girl from the drive-in, and I couldn’t have been more relieved.
“You mentioned breakfast in bed. So why don’t we eat there?” It seemed rather forward, especially coming from her. However, the crimson in her cheeks told me she hadn’t meant it suggestively. After I nodded, she ducked her head and asked, “Can you put the food on some plates while I use your bathroom?”
“Sure.” I backed out of the kitchen to let her pass.
I couldn’t plate the food fast enough, nearly burning my hand in the process. And then I almost left the kitchen without forks or napkins. I was in such a rush to get to her, I almost tripped on the way into my room. But once I got there, I realized she hadn’t left the bathroom yet, so I set her food on my nightstand and climbed onto the bed with my back against the headboard to wait with my plate in my lap.
As the seconds passed, my heart rate increased.
My cheeks began to burn.
Without knowing how, Layne had managed to get to me in a way no one ever had before.
The door creaked open with hesitancy, catching my attention. What I saw forced my lungs to constrict, leaving them practically inoperable. She wore the same clothes she’d had on when she left the kitchen, but instead of the long blond hair over her shoulders, she had short—shorter than mine—brown hair. It appeared to me that she’d styled it with water while in the bathroom, sweeping the slightly longer pieces on the top of her head to the side.
I had no words. No thoughts. Nothing came to me as I watched her stand in the doorway, the bathroom light turned off behind her, and her eyes cast to the floor. She had her chin tilted down, preventing me from seeing her fully, but I didn’t need to. I could tell how difficult this was for her by the way her shoulders hunched and her back arched.
Except, I had no idea why.
“Is this why you don’t like people touching your hair?”
Her gaze lifted, although her chin never did. Her eyes met mine, and I could see the fresh tears in them. “I wear a wig. I don’t like people to know that.”
I shoved my plate to the end of the bed and crawled closer to her. As soon as I sat down on the edge of the mattress, I pulled her by her hands until she stood between my legs. My fingertips met the smooth skin of her face, wiping away the tracks of tears before I ran them through her hair. Her slight wince nearly made me stop, but I didn’t. I pushed through it, forcing her to do the same.
“Can you tell me why?”
“It sounds silly and vain, but my hair is kinda something that defines me as a woman. Without it, I don’t feel very feminine.” She ran her fingers over the the side of her head, and then around her ear, as if unconsciously tucking invisible hair behind it.
My hands dropped to her waist and my gaze roamed her body. Her hips were narrow, although she still had curves. She may not have had full breasts, but they were perfect. There wasn’t a single thing about her to warrant such insecurity, and it made me sad for her. It made me want to do something—
anything
—to prove her wrong.
“Layne…I’m looking at you right now, and you are the epitome of feminine.” My thumbs swiped over her hipbones, gently grazing her lower abdomen in the process. The slight trembling of her body was apparent beneath my touch, and the bare skin on her arms took on a gooseflesh appearance.
“It’s hard to see that when I look at myself.”
I peered up at her, noticing the hidden pain in her round eyes, the softness in the vibrant blue. “Can you tell me what happened? You don’t have to worry about me judging you. I swear that won’t happen.” Had I not witnessed it for myself and was only told about her hair, I might’ve jumped the gun and assumed she’d gone crazy and shaved it off. But after seeing the fear in her eyes, I knew the reason wasn’t so simple.
“Almost a year ago, during my senior year in high school, I’d gone to the doctor because I was having pain in my side. They found a cyst on my ovary and removed it. A few months later, the pain was back, so I went to see the doctor again. They found another cyst on the same ovary, and when they went to remove that one, they had to take the entire ovary.”
No matter how hard I tried to keep my focus on her eyes as she spoke, I couldn’t help but turn my attention to her flat stomach. I had no idea the things she’d suffered or what it all meant. However, from the way she spoke, I knew how badly it had affected her.
My heart ached for her loss.
“They discovered I had ovarian cancer.”
Saliva pooled in my mouth as I gaped at her, disbelieving what she told me. There was no way. It couldn’t have been true, and I desperately waited for her to tell me it was all a lie. I wanted nothing more than to hear her say she’d shaven her head in some manic state of depression instead of the horrific story she told me. I would’ve taken any other reason.
“I don’t like being lied to, because when my parents found out, they tried to hide it from me. Obviously, they couldn’t, but for a short amount of time, they tried to pass it off as the doctors wanting to find out why the cyst came back. Having to see an oncologist kinda negated their story.”
I had no words. I wanted to offer her something—a promise, encouraging words, a
hug
. I didn’t care what, except I couldn’t come up with anything of value. My mouth grew dry the longer I sat with my jaw hanging open, desperately trying to come up with something, yet ending up with nothing.
“I’ve been cancer free for eight weeks now.”
I sighed and pressed my forehead against her stomach, fighting back my tears of sympathy. I tried to grasp what she’d told me, but I found myself unable to—incapable of accepting the knowledge of Layne’s suffering. Finally, it all hit me, and I pulled my face away while strengthening my hold on her hips. “I took you on a five-mile hike today. Why didn’t you say anything? You should’ve said something.”
My forcefulness must’ve caught her off guard because she gasped and tried to take a step back, although my grip on her wouldn’t allow her to move away from me. I fought with myself, knowing I needed to calm down and be gentler with her. However, I couldn’t manage to pull myself from my own depressing thoughts long enough to do so.
“I’m not a victim, Creed. There’s nothing keeping me from living a normal life—doing normal things.” Frustration passed her lips in a throaty huff. “This is another reason why I don’t tell people. They treat me like I’m fragile, like I’m going to break. If cancer didn’t beat me, a hike certainly won’t.”
I stood up, forcing her to take a step back, yet my hands remained on her hips, keeping her body close to mine. I towered over her, and in order to meet my gaze, she had to tilt her head back. Her breaths matched mine, fast and full of passion, warring together between our parted lips as we regarded one another. Our penetrating stares burned with a deep intensity, as if trying to read the other’s thoughts.
“So…you’re okay, though. Right?” I finally asked, breaking the spell we seemed to have been under. My eyes grew heavy—although, not with sleep like they had before. They were swollen with emotion, ready to flood with her response. Fear coiled around my neck, tightening like a boa constrictor, threatening to take me down with a single strike.
Her answer would either be the venom or the cure.
“I’m okay,” she whispered.
I didn’t bother asking anything more before dropping my lips to hers. It was meant to be a kiss of relief—a slow, gentle expression of my sentiments. Except, that’s not what it turned into. Instead of slow, our tongues furiously fought for control in a war with the other. What was supposed to be tenderness proved to be anything but. It was rough and desperate, demanding and unforgiving. I pulled her body closer to mine, practically feeling her heart beating inside her chest.
Without warning, Layne pulled away, ending our passionate exchange.
“I’m sorry,” I panted through shallow breaths. “I didn’t mean for that to happen. I don’t know what came over me.” I sat back down on the edge of the bed and dropped my forehead into my open palms.
She ran her fingertips through my hair with soft strokes. Her support warmed me, slowed my heartbeat, filled my lungs with oxygen—offered me a sense of hope. “It’s okay. Whatever it was came over me, too. I’ve never been kissed like that before.”
That caught my attention and forced me to lift my head.
Her eyes wouldn’t meet mine. They danced around, never settling on me. “I mean…I’ve been kissed before, but not like
that
. Just because I’ve never dated anyone doesn’t mean I haven’t done
any
thing.”
I wanted to ask what she meant. What all she’d done and what she hadn’t. But I didn’t think it was the right time—nor did I really care. “Because of what happened to you?”
The word “cancer” burned my tongue.
I couldn’t say it—I couldn’t even stand to
think
it.
She shrugged, and I realized she still stood in front of me with our food untouched. Before giving her time to explain, I moved over on the bed and propped up a few pillows for her. She watched me for a moment, unease stiffening her posture. She probably assumed I’d done it for different reasons, but once I handed her the plate from the side table, she relaxed and gave in.
“I was seventeen when I went to the doctor for the first time about the pain in my side. I hadn’t dated anyone prior to that. I wasn’t ever really interested in anyone. And anyone I did have interest in usually went after Drea. She was the fun one—I was always the quiet one. And then afterward…well, I lost my ovary, and then my hair. Being unattractive kinda makes it hard to pick up guys.”
“That can’t be true. I’m sure lots of guys looked at you twice—hell, probably more than that—you just never noticed. I don’t even want to know what would’ve happened if you weren’t trapped in a car with me. You more than likely wouldn’t have paid any attention to me no matter how hard I tried.”
She offered me a coy smile between bites of food.
“You shouldn’t be so dependent on your hair. I thought you were hot with the blond wig, but if I’m being honest—which I told you I would be—I’ve never seen anything sexier than when you walked out of the bathroom.”
“I was crying,” she admitted with a giggle. “I’m sure that wasn’t sexy.”
“It was humbling…you’re right. I happen to think your smile is sexy. And your laugh. And the way you look at me through your lashes when you get embarrassed—like you are right now.”
“You’re good for my ego, Creed…” She put her fork down and rested her plate on her thighs. “I don’t even know your last name. I just took off my wig for you, told you my secret, and then you gave me the best kiss I’ve ever had, yet I don’t know very much about you.”