Eminent Love (8 page)

I didn’t know what to say. I simply stared at her, letting her words sink in as I tried to wrap my mind around what it must’ve been like for Layne. How facing a death sentence had altered her life to some degree, and I couldn’t help but conclude we might not have ever found each other had she not gone through something so awful.

A year ago, she’d planned for the future instead of living in the present.

Whereas I’d lived in the moment while expecting my future to be secure.

A year had changed us both, and somehow, without meaning to, we’d met in the middle. Balanced each other out. Together, we learned how to enjoy the moment without being too careless like I once was, and at the same time, preparing ourselves for what we hoped would come. Tomorrows aren’t promised, although it doesn’t mean you can’t plan for them while enjoying your todays.

Thankfully, our heavy silence was interrupted by the groan of my bedroom door, and then Layne came out to join us. Except she’d left her wig behind. The quietness she walked into grew thicker as Drea and I did nothing but gape at her, our mouths falling open in awe and wonderment.

I didn’t wait for her to say anything, nor did I allow Drea to make the first move. After long moments of motionless staring, I pulled myself from the couch and made my way to her. My feet stopped abruptly with about a foot of space between us. Electricity filled the air around our still bodies, my skin prickling with the heightened energy. And then her mouth opened, as if she was about to say something, but I didn’t give her the chance. Before she could utter the first sound, I wrapped my hand behind the back of her neck and pulled her to me, meeting her lips with mine.

I poured my every thought into that kiss, letting her know without a doubt how I felt. I had no idea if she planned to leave the wig off for the remainder of the night, or if she only took it off for a few minutes, but it didn’t matter to me. She had removed it and then came back to us in the living room, a space where Colin could walk in at any moment. And that was all I needed. One step. Because one step could lead to two, and then to three.

She had her arms around my waist, holding her body to mine as I hungrily attacked her lips. I didn’t want to let up, because then I’d have to share her with the others. And I did not want to share her. I wanted to steal her away, carry her into my bedroom where we could be alone, but I knew it would be wrong to do.

Drea cleared her throat behind us—several times—and interrupted our amorous moment. We finally broke away, although we didn’t let go of each other. We stood with our faces inches apart, staring into the other’s eyes. My hands drifted from her face to her scalp. I ran my palms over her hair until she finally laughed and backed up.

“I just spent like five minutes making it look good, and now you’re ruining it. I have to go fix it again.” Layne offered a teasing grin and rolled her eyes before heading back into my room.

I glanced over my shoulder at Drea, silently seeking permission. She swept her hands in the air, as if shooing me off, telling me to go after her, and I couldn’t have been happier. I didn’t hesitate before chasing after Layne, meeting her in my bathroom.

She stared at my reflection, but I couldn’t take my focus off the real version of her to find her gaze in the mirror. Time seemed to drag on before she finally turned to meet my eyes, reluctance rolling off her in waves.

“You know you’re mine, right?” I asked in shallow breaths of airy words, sounding every bit as desperate as I felt on the inside. “You’re mine, as in there is no one else I’m seeing or even talking to. You know that?”

“Yes.” She gave a slight nod, but continued to stare at me with a knitted brow and intense, questioning eyes.

“And you know this is real for me, don’t you?”

“Yes,” she repeated. “Where is this coming from?”

I shook my head and allowed the consolation to fill me, to calm my racing heart. “Your sister…she asked what we were together. She said she’d asked you the same thing, but you didn’t know. I just want to make sure you know how I feel. I want you to know this isn’t some casual thing for me.”

Layne gently settled her hand on my chest and cocked her head. “If I believed it was casual, or that you had someone else on the side, I wouldn’t be with you. I wouldn’t spend so much time with you or fall asleep in your bed.”

I nodded, even though her response perpetuated the knot in my chest. “And you…” I cleared my throat, hoping to subdue the fear in my voice. “And you feel the same about me?” I hated how vulnerable I was, how desperate I sounded, but I couldn’t hide it. I couldn’t make it go away. I’d never felt this way before, so I had no idea how to conceal it.

Her hand slid from my chest to my cheek, her bright eyes claiming mine. “I didn’t think you needed to hear it, but apparently you do. Creed, this is real for me. You’re the only person I want to be with. I thought it was obvious.”

“Why would it be obvious?”

“You know I’ve never had a boyfriend before, so I guess I thought my feelings for you were apparent considering I’m here all the time. I’m in your bed almost every night, and I woke up next to you this morning.”

I allowed a smile to take over my lips before pressing them carefully to hers. “Drea also told me something else about you.” I wasn’t sure if it was a good idea to bring it up, but I wanted to clear the air between us. If I knew something about her, I wanted her to be aware of it.

“Oh, yeah? What did she tell you?” She turned back to the vanity and grabbed a bottle of my hair gel from the counter as if it were the most normal thing in the world to share bathroom products.

I hesitated, unsure of how to say it. But I already brought it up and couldn’t back out now. “She told me that you’ve…um…you’ve never…” My gaze bounced around the small bathroom, avoiding her eyes, before I finally stoned my nervousness and gave her my attention. I didn’t want her to get the wrong impression. “That you’ve never been with a guy before.”

Layne completely stilled with the bottle of gel in her hand, her eyes fixated on the counter in front of us. Crimson licked the sides of her neck and brightened her cheeks, giving away her mortification.

“Listen, Layne…it doesn’t matter to me. I only wanted you to be aware of me knowing. It doesn’t change anything—other than the level of embarrassment my morning wood will cause me if you sleep over again. Which I’d like you to do, as long as you’re comfortable with it.” I held her elbow and turned her enough so she could look at me. “Why didn’t you ever tell me?”

She shrugged and glanced away again. “It never came up.”

“Is your sexual history supposed to come up when you date someone?”

A smile graced her lips. “I don’t know. I guess I never found a good time to tell you. It’s not like I’m ashamed about it or anything. It’s just extremely personal. Not to mention, I didn’t want to freak you out.”

“Why would it freak me out?”

She shrugged again and rolled her eyes dismissively. “Because an eighteen-year-old virgin might make you think I’m saving myself for marriage…or suddenly make this thing between us more serious than you’re ready for. I don’t know. There’s lots of reasons why it would scare you off.”

“It doesn’t matter to me what you’re saving yourself for.” I moved to stand in front of her, leaning against the vanity behind me. “It’s your body. You could hold onto it for the rest of your life if you want to. I don’t have any right to have an opinion on it…except, if we end up getting married it might make it difficult to have babies, but I’m sure with science, there’s a way it can be done.” I smiled at her, hoping she knew there was nothing to be worried about.

“It’s not that.” Her grin widened and she let out a small wave of air, as if relief had finally found her. “I’m not really waiting on anything other than the right time. I’m sure I’ll know it when it happens. I’m not in any rush, and at the same time, I’m not unrealistic. This isn’t going to change anything between us, is it?”

“Why do you think it will?”

“I just mean…being in bed with me. You’ve never pressured me or made me feel uncomfortable. I don’t
think
anything will change, I’m only making sure it won’t.”

“Trust me, Layne, I don’t want anything to change. I told you on our first date you’re the one calling the shots, and that is as true with this as it was about hiking. As long as I get to have you in my life, I don’t care how slow you want to take things.”

She kissed me once more and then went back to styling her hair. By the time we finished in the bathroom, Colin had gotten home and they were ready to leave. Layne was hesitant at first, considering Colin had never seen her without her wig before, but he didn’t make a big deal about it. In fact, he acted as if he hadn’t even noticed. I could tell his lack of attention offered Layne some much-needed encouragement before heading out into the public without her armor.

I’d never been more proud of her.

And if being around others with her short hair bothered her, she never once showed it. While playing miniature golf, she commanded all my attention, and I couldn’t keep my hands off her. Between my affection and her sister giving her a hard time for holding up the others behind us, I wouldn’t be surprised if Layne had forgotten all about her lack of hair.

But I never did.

It was her first step.

The first of many.

I
jolted straight up
, panting heavily with the weight of panic on my chest. However, I had no idea where it had come from. I’d been asleep, dreaming of Layne, and for no reason at all, I found myself sitting on the edge of my bed, searching my room for something—although I didn’t know what.

File folders and single sheets of paper were thrown haphazardly around me. After finishing the memorandum for Harvey, I’d set it all aside to lay down, planning to organize everything before falling asleep. But then I’d called Layne…and she didn’t answer. After that, I didn’t have the motivation to do anything, and instead, I’d fallen asleep.

My head dropped and I fisted my hair, tugging at the roots until my scalp ached. The nagging feeling wouldn’t go away. Something had woken me up, something so terrifying it had spiked my adrenaline and left me unable to fall back asleep. The sun hadn’t come up yet, so I quickly glanced at the time, noting it was only four in the morning. My alarm would go off in an hour, and then I’d have to get ready for the office. It was a big day, and I’d finally gotten myself prepared.

However, the idea of going into the office set a dark cloud over my thoughts.

Grey and looming with dread.

I knew what my problem was. I hadn’t been able to get ahold of Layne. The longer it went on without hearing her voice, other than on her voicemail, the more worried I became. I knew if I could only get her on the phone, I’d be okay. I only needed the chance to talk to her. If she didn’t accept my apology, or if she told me anything about her new life, it wouldn’t just sting. It would cut me deeply. However, I’d take the pain, because at least I’d know she was all right.

I picked up my phone from the floor where it’d fallen off the table the night before after I’d thrown it. I thought about calling her again, hoping maybe I had a better chance of her answering if the call came through in the middle of the night. But as I pulled up her number, the picture stopped me from going through with it. I had so many reasons for contacting her, so many reasons for wanting to hear her voice.

I wanted to make sure she was okay.

I wanted to ask for her forgiveness.

I wanted another chance with her.

And while I could’ve gotten those things by calling her—if she’d only answer the damn phone—there was a longer list of the things it wouldn’t provide. It wouldn’t allow me to see the color of her eyes, smell her hair, touch her soft skin. It wouldn’t give me the chance to
show
her what she meant to me or how much I couldn’t live without her for another day.

Another minute.

Another second.

A phone conversation or text message wouldn’t give me the solace I needed. However, seeing her face to face would. Over the past year, and especially on Christmas, I’d thought about going after her, but I had always ended up deciding against it. I didn’t know where she lived. I didn’t know if she’d moved on. And more importantly, I didn’t know how she would react to me showing up unannounced.

I no longer cared about any of those reasons.

As the fog of uncertainty lifted, clarity filled its place. I needed to go see her. And as soon as the thought came to me, I jumped off my bed and ran to the closet for a bag. I randomly pulled clothes from my drawers, not even caring what I grabbed, and threw them into the duffel bag sitting open on the mattress. I didn’t pay attention to what I packed from the bathroom, sweeping whatever was on the counter on top of the clothes. I’d been in such a hurry to leave, wondering what had taken me so long to make the decision in the first place, I almost walked out in my boxers.

I pulled a clean T-shirt from a hanger in my closet, picked up a pair of jeans off the floor, and got dressed as fast as I could. And then, as if they’d appeared out of nowhere, I noticed the papers and files on my bed. I hesitated for a moment, debating what I should do.

Harvey would need these for the deposition tomorrow. If I left without giving them to him, I could jeopardize my career before it really ever began. If I knew Layne would take me back, and I didn’t have to face the idea of her turning me away, I wouldn’t have thought twice about it. I would’ve left and never looked back. But the truth was, I didn’t know what would happen once I got there. And even more, I didn’t know if I’d ever get there. I still had no idea where she lived, and although I was sure I could find out, it wasn’t guaranteed.

I thought about waiting until Harvey got into the office and then leaving after handing everything over, but I had no idea how long that would take. Harvey never arrived at the same time every day, and could very well not even show up until our two o’clock meeting. I didn’t want to wait that long. Every second that passed was another second without Layne.

And I’d already spent too many of those to let another one slip by.

But I was a logical person. I made decisions based off reason, and I went with what made the most sense. Even the toughest decisions were made with rationality. When Layne left and I chose to stay back, it wasn’t some half-assed verdict. I’d spent years studying North Carolina state law, and I was less than two months from taking the state bar exam. Had I moved to California, I’d have to spend more time learning a new set of state laws, and then wait even longer for the bar. It was only offered twice a year, and if I missed July, I’d have to wait until February. Add in moving time and getting settled in a new place, and there was a chance I wouldn’t have even been ready for the February exam. Realistically speaking, moving to a different state made no sense.

Granted, when I took living without Layne into account, my decision had been ruled by emotion instead of reason. And it wasn’t the good kind of emotion, either. Rather than allowing love to sway my decision, I’d let the scorching flames of anger build a barrier between us and blind me against the reality of life without her.

I now faced nearly the same choices. Stay for my job, or chase after Layne.

I
ran
out of class and hurried back to the apartment. I hadn’t seen Layne in two days due to work and school, and I needed to get my room cleaned up. It wasn’t really messy considering I hadn’t done much other than study, but I didn’t want her coming over and seeing my piles of laundry or unmade bed. We’d been together for two months, and I knew at some point I’d have to allow her to see my mess; although, I wasn’t quite ready for that. Layne was a very neat and organized person, and I knew she’d take it upon herself to tidy up.

I did
not
want to spend our time together with her cleaning.

The front door hadn’t even been fully opened before Colin rushed past me, heading out. His cheeks were a deep red, lips pursed, and nostrils flaring—not to mention his rigid shoulders and clenched fists. I had no idea what I was about to walk into, and Colin didn’t seem in the mood to explain anything.

I watched from the doorway as he ran past the elevator and took the stairs. I knew him well enough to understand what that meant. He was pissed. And by the sounds of sobbing coming from inside the apartment, I could only assume it had to do with Drea.

The moment she saw me, she made a mad dash in the direction of Colin’s bedroom. She’d been on the floor in front of the couch and had to pull herself up, which gave me plenty of time to reach her first. Normally, I wouldn’t have gotten involved—their relationship was none of my business—but this was Drea. Layne’s sister. My friend. My
best
friend’s girlfriend. And whatever had happened, seemed worse than any fight they’d had before. I couldn’t just let her run and hide when clearly she was in a lot of pain.

With my arms around her shoulders, her back to my chest, I hugged her to me. Her sobs were so deep they caused her to convulse in my arms, shaking my body behind her. I held her tighter, hoping it would calm her some, at least enough for her to speak coherently. I couldn’t understand a single word she said through the hiccups and sniffles.

“What the hell happened?” I released my hold on her and waited for her next move. When she didn’t do anything other than stand there, keeping her back to me, I gently held her upper arm and guided her around until she faced me. The red rims around her deep-blue eyes struck me hard and left my shoulders sagging at the sight. She and Layne may not have been identical twins, and their eye colors may have been different shades of the same blue, but staring at her now reminded me of the girl who’d stolen my whole world.

“I don’t even know…” She wiped her nose on her shirt sleeve and dropped her chin. At least she wasn’t as hysterical as she’d been when I first walked in. “I don’t know if I’m being stupid or if he is.”

My fingers found hers, and I used the grip to lead her to the couch. “What happened?” I didn’t want to admit I’d never seen Colin so worked up before, because I knew it would only upset her more. Even though it’d been the truth. “I know Colin pretty well. Maybe I can help some. But I need to know what happened first.”

She sniffled more before curling into the cushion, pulling her knees to her chest and dipping her chin to prevent me from catching her eyes. “He was seeing this girl before me…some chick from one of his classes.”

I knew who Drea was referring to, but I kept that to myself. I was only here to listen and possibly add enough of my opinion to help them get past whatever issue they seemed to have. Remarking on Colin's ex wouldn't help the situation.

“He told me they weren't serious and they hadn't technically dated. But they used to sleep together.”

“Yes…” I added when she paused, hoping to push her to keep talking. “It happens. We're guys…in college.”

She finally lifted her gaze to meet mine and rolled her eyes. “I know, Creed. I'm not an idiot. I'm not upset he used to fuck other people. Hell, I wasn't a virgin when we met. It's not about that.”

“Then what
is
it about?”

“He's been going to these study groups about three nights a week. He used to only go to them maybe twice a month and—”

“Fall semester is almost over.” I interrupted her, needing to give her something logical to think about. “We have exams coming up. It's not unusual to increase the amount of times you meet up with your study group.”

Her gaze narrowed, as if she didn’t appreciate my commentary. “It wouldn’t be a big deal, except he told me his study partner is Sam. I guess it’s my fault for assuming it’d be a guy, and not Samantha, the chick he used to fuck.”

My stomach sank and I wanted to run after Colin, for nothing more than to kick his ass for hurting Drea. I was almost fearful of what else she had to say. The thought of Colin doing something behind her back left me uneasy, and quite frankly, really pissed off.

“I only found out because he left his phone on the counter while he went to the bathroom and she texted him about meeting up tonight. I didn’t read the whole thing since only the first few lines of the message popped up on the screen. I wanted to see if he’d say anything, so I didn’t mention it to him when he came back.”

I nodded, showing my support and approval over her actions.

I hated being in situations like this, where I almost felt as though I had to pick a side. I didn’t want to have to choose between Colin and Drea, and I understood this was only one side of the coin. I didn’t have all the facts. Although, Drea’s tears and worried tone were enough to have me leaning in her direction, ready and willing to support her.

She threw her head back against the cushion and blinked rapidly at the ceiling, attempting to control her emotions. “I watched him read the message and type something back. I didn’t want to jump to conclusions. I mean, I’m sure there are plenty of girls named Samantha around here, but I couldn’t fight the nagging feeling it was
her
.”

“So what did he do?”

“He told me we might have to reschedule our dinner plans. He said they were putting together another study group and he didn’t want to miss it. I swear, Creed, I didn’t know if I wanted to attack him or cry…or both.” She cleared her throat and wiped away the falling tears once more. “I questioned him some about it, trying to get the truth out, but he had an answer for everything. So I finally asked to see his phone, and that’s when he got pissed at me. He said I was accusing him of lying—but he
was
lying!”

I moved closer to her on the couch, hoping it would calm her some. She seemed to have shifted from being upset to being angry, and I knew from personal experience anger was far worse than grief.

“Come to find out, Sam—
Samantha
—is his study partner. So really, he was kinda telling the truth, yet he omitted important facts. And to
me
, lying by omission is still lying. This whole time, he’s been meeting up with this girl for hours on end at night, sometimes alone with her, and he neglected to tell me. He purposely let me believe she was a guy. And when I called him out on it, he made it sound like I was the one blowing things out of proportion.”

“What’s the real issue here, Dre? Are you mad at him for keeping it from you, or do you think he’s doing something behind your back?” I needed to know where her head was at before I even attempted to play devil’s advocate.