Enchanted Frost (Frost Series #8) (A YA Romantic Fantasy Adventure) (2 page)

          The
truth was – I loved him. But the truth was, too, that my feelings for Logan had
never been fully resolved. The romance that Logan and I had shared was a
history of missed opportunities and mistakes, of love potions that brought us
together and circumstances that drove us apart. He remained for me the eternal
mystery, the perpetual
what if?
I knew what my life was like with Kian;
that at least was straightforward. But the
what if
had driven me to
distraction; the
what if
had taken over. And I’d let it take my heart
with it in the process. I’d let myself wonder if Kian and I were meant to be,
or if I belonged with Logan, and in the process I had lost both of them.

         
Stupid,
stupid
, I told myself. Every morning when I woke up I repeated those same
words to myself, over and over again, trying to stop the pain.
Stupid girl –
you had two men who loved you, and you lost them both because you couldn’t
decide which of them you loved more.
The guilt seared through me like fire.
Perhaps the fairies were right to look down on love. This was, after all, what
happened. People carried away by their emotions. People made selfish by
yearning, single-minded by desire. People like me.

          My
mortal weakness.

          And
what would this mean for Feyland? If the wedding was off, that didn’t preclude
me from having to see Kian every day. Whether we married or not, we had
committed ourselves to an alliance between Winter and Summer, an alliance that
we had to sustain regardless of our personal lives. Would we marry one another
for political reasons, sleeping in separate bedrooms for the rest of our
eternities, keeping secret the chasm that had grown up between us, dividing our
souls? Or would we simply become colleagues, business partners, co-rulers,
trying to keep our minds on the work ahead while my mind and heart and body all
cried out for his touch, his fairy kiss, which at last had driven me mad?

          The
first few days were, in a sense, the easier. I was numb from the shock of Kian
having left me – numb enough that it didn’t feel real. I told myself that I
could fix it, that this was only temporary, that our break was just a fight…

          I’d
gone home to the Summer Court, to my mother and father. I’d cried like a child
in their arms, resting my head on my mother’s chest while she stroked my hair
and dried my tears.

          “You
two just need to talk,” said my mother. Mortal rules of dating, after all, were
far from strange to her. “Talk out your issues. Get it out in the open. A lot
of couples have pre-marriage jitters.”

          “You
should go to the Winter Palace,” said my father. “Follow him – discuss things
with him there. Don’t let him leave you. If he breaks my little girl’s heart,
by the Swords of Feyland, I’ll…”

          My
mother cut him off. “But he’s hurting too, isn’t he, Breena?”

          I
sniffled as I nodded.

          “Darling,
I love you – and I want the best for you. But for this marriage to work, you
and Kian both have to make an effort…” She sighed. “I can’t deny that your
feelings for Logan haven’t exactly been discreet.”

          “I
know,” I sobbed. “I’ve been trying to keep everything in check, to do the
mature thing, the responsible thing, but…”

          My
mother stroked my hair. “Sometimes I forget you’re only eighteen,” she said.
“You’ve done so much. Ruled a kingdom. Fought a war. Battled banshees and
pixies. But in matters of the heart you’re still practically a little girl.”
She sighed. “Are you sure this marriage is what
you
want, my darling?”

          “Of
course it is!” I cried.

          “But
you’re so young. In the mortal world you would never have thought about getting
married this young. You could have gone to college, had time to grow up, to
explore who you are…All options Feyland doesn’t give you.”

          My
father said nothing. He knew, after all, that my mother was right.

          “It
shouldn’t just be about whether or not Kian still wants to marry you,” said my
mother. “But about whether you’re willing to get married, whether you’re ready
to forsake all others for Kian for the rest of eternity. Divorce isn’t an
option – not for a state marriage like this. You have to be sure.” She held me
close. “And you need to set boundaries with Logan, too. If you choose Kian. You
need to be ready to choose your husband over your friend – to let Logan find
another girl whom he can love, who can love him.”

          I
nodded. I had to be mature, to listen to her words. But my heart – my immature,
young, heart – wouldn’t, couldn’t agree. I wanted Logan; I wanted Kian. Even
now, as I missed Kian, I also felt the pain of losing Logan.

         
He
was right to leave you
, I told myself.
He was right to go away. He’ll
never love you now – now that you’ve let him down, disappointed him.

           
But
I had to make it work with Kian – I had to make things right. Deep down I knew
that he was my one true love, the person I was meant to be with, the person I
was meant to unite my soul to forever and ever.

          And
so, buoyed by my mother’s words and by a sense of hope that rose up within me
like a flame, I made the three-day journey to the Winter Palace. I sent away my
guards; I couldn’t face them. Not now, when I stopped to sob every five
minutes, the winter wind freezing my tears into snowflakes on my face. I had to
do this journey alone. All along the ride I kept thinking about Kian’s face,
Kian’s voice. I played the scene out in my head a hundred times, over and over
again, trying to make sense of it all.

          “Kian,”
I would say. “Kian – I love you. It’s been hard for me to adapt to fairy ways,
to the promise of settling down with one person for the rest of eternity at
this age. I admit it – I’ve been foolish. I’ve let my fears about our future,
and my feelings for Logan, get in the way of our love. But no more. I’m ready
to commit to you – always and forever. I’m willing to give Logan up, to set
boundaries between us until you feel sure that you’re the one I’ve chosen for
the rest of my days. Being without you has made me realize how much I miss you;
how much I need you. Please, Kian, whatever you do, whatever else you decide,
just come home. To me. Because I love you, Kian, King of Winter, Emperor of
Feyland. I love you the way the twin suns of Feyland love one another. You are
my twin sun; you are the other half of myself.

          Please
forgive me.”

          I
whispered these words to myself all along the path; I slept in tents and
dreamed that he was beside me, warming me with his lips, making me shiver and
shudder with the joy of having his body near mine. I would make it right – I
told myself. I
had
to make it right. The second Kian saw me when I
arrived at the Winter Palace, the moment he saw my face, he would realize how
much I loved him. He would realize how right it was for us to be together. Of
this I was sure.

          When
at last the marble spires and silver towers of the Winter Palace came into
view, my heart began to gallop with anticipation, the heartbeat quickening with
every step I took upon my steed until I could hardly breathe.

          “Your
Highness,” one of the servants, a girl called Silvertree, bowed deep. She
blushed slightly and looked nervous.

          “Where
is he?” I stammered in my eagerness to see him. “Where is King Kian?”

          “He’s…”
Silvertree’s face fell. “I’m so sorry, your Highness. He’s gone away.”

          “Away
where?” My stomach plummeted. “Where’s he gone?”

          “I
don’t know, Your Highness,” Silvertree looked nervous. “He didn’t say. But he
left a note…”

          “Bring
it to me!” In my frustration my voice had grown sharp, imperious, and I was
ashamed to see how frightened the girl was as she scurried away to carry out my
command. When she re-appeared, though, the note in hand, I couldn’t contain
myself. I all but seized it from between her fingers.

          I
ripped open the envelope, scanning the words, feeling my heart break as I read
the letter, written in his perfect, graceful hand…

         
Breena,

            I
love you, but I do not know if I can do this. I do not know if I can face this
pain. I must go away for a while, to take stock of my thoughts, to ask myself
whether I can live forever in the shadow of the Wolf Prince, satisfied with
your divided heart when all I want is your full, whole one. I have decided to
take a journey that I hope will provide me with some answers. Please do not
look for me; do not try to find me. When I know if I can marry you – I will
return with my answer. Until then, keep yourself safe. Keep the kingdom
together. I have faith in you. I know this letter will hurt you – and although
I would rather die than cause you pain I know that hurting you now will prevent
us from hurting one another far worse later on. I will miss you with all my
heart – but believe me, this is the right choice.

            Better
to lose one another now, than suffer after our wedding.

Yours,

Kian

          His
signature was the last thing I saw as my head hit the floor.

Chapter 2

Breena

I
couldn’t eat. I couldn’t sleep. I’d spent hours – days, even – sobbing on the
floor, tears pouring down my face, choking on my own heartbreak. I’d shuddered
and shook behind closed doors, with lonly a few trusted servants able to attend
on me. We had to keep my devastation secret – that much I knew, even through
the haze of my heartbreak. Nobody could know the truth about me and Kian; the truth
would make me weak. If my enemies were to ever find out that I was devastated
by love, and that Kian and I were no longer together, I knew that they could
use that weakness against me. They could manipulate me into doing whatever they
wanted – right now I felt I would do anything, no matter how dangerous, no
matter how risky, if it meant bringing Kian back.

          They
took me back to the Summer Court, Silvertree and the other servants. I lay on a
bed of satin and hay in the back of a carriage disguised to look like the
carriages of unpretentious merchants who often make the rounds between Winter
and Summer. Nobody could know that the girl who lay catatonic in the back,
sobbing out her heart, stuffing straw into her mouth to drown out the screams,
was their cherished Summer Queen, their cherished Empress of the United
Feyland. For three days my mind and body burned with the fire of fever as my
body convulsed and I threw up any attempt at sustenance. I couldn’t keep down
food; I couldn’t even keep down water. I shook violently when the carriage made
bumps over the dirt and cobblestoned roads, both at the turbulence and at the
demands of my own heart.

         
You’ve
lost him.
The fear, the uncertainty, the pain of knowing he had gone, that
I would not and could not know his decision, that I could do nothing to sway
his choice, filled me with stinging, burning agony.
You’ve lost him, and now
he won’t ever love you again. You fool. He’s given up on you at last.

           
I
threw up in a ditch between Autumn and Summer.

          I
spent three days in bed upon my arrival home, attended upon only by a few
select servants. I wouldn’t even let my mother or father visit me. I couldn’t
face them. Their kind eyes would fall upon my face; they would see my
degradation and my shame, and I knew that I would not be able to control the
weeping under their eyes. They knew, better than anybody, how much I loved
Kian. But they knew, too, how I had driven him away – how my own fault had led
to my downfall. I could see it in my mother’s eyes when she gave me advice
about winning Kian back: she knew just how much I was to blame for Kian’s
abandonment. She knew my indecision had led Logan on, and led Kian on, too.

         
I’ll
never forgive myself,
I whispered into my pillow, which was streaked with
grubby tears.
Never, ever. No matter how long I live – even if I survive for
the rest of eternity – I’ll go on missing him. Waiting for him. Wanting him.
Waiting for my love to come home to me.

           
But
it wasn’t enough. My dreams, my prayers, my tear-stained whispers – none of
these things would bring my love back to me. Kian was gone – gone to I knew not
where – making the decision that held my future in the balance.

          Perhaps
it would have been easier if he had made a clean break, I told myself. I could
have mourned; I could have missed him. But I would at least have had to move
on. Instead I had to fear every letter that came to my doorstep, terrified that
it would be his answer, his
no
, the final cut that severed my heart in
two. I had to fear each morning that he would break my heart again. I couldn’t
think about ruling my kingdom; I couldn’t think about being the Queen I wanted
to be. I could think about one thing and one thing only: Kian. The fact that my
whole existence depended on the decision he had not yet made.