End of the Innocence (35 page)

“I wanted to do it without you guys getting in trouble too,” I muttered.

Brad came and sat down next to me. “Maybe we can all work at Nancy’s?” he asked, smiling.

“How can you be so happy about this?’ I asked him, confused.

He shook his head and just grinned. “We did the right thing,” he replied. “It feels pretty fucking cool.”

I looked over at Jennifer, and she nodded, Sammy joining her.

I rolled my eyes. “You guys are nuts.”

“That’s my dad,” Jennifer exclaimed, looking at the office. We all got up and looked out the window in the door as our parents showed up. I saw my mom, a guy who must be Sammy’s dad, Jennifer’s dad in his sheriff’s uniform, and finally Brad’s mom.

Brad shook his head and looked away. “Never thought I would want my dad to show up somewhere,” he muttered, sitting back down.

I was about to say something to him, but Sammy called out, “Someone is coming!” and we all got away from the door.

One of the office secretaries opened the door and told us, “They want you all now.”

She led us into Mr. Raymond’s office, where our parents waited along with Mr. Adler and Mr. Davis, proving to me this was as bad as I feared. “Have a seat, kids,” Mr. Raymond told us. It just sounded to me like he was saying, “Please put this blindfold on” as they loaded their rifles.

“Thank you all for coming,” Mr. Davis began. “We had a serious problem this morning before school started, and I am afraid we were forced to take action.”

“Action?” my mom asked, sounding none too pleased. “I swear, this school is about one step away from wearing Klan robes.”

Mr. Raymond looked like he was about to scream at her, but Davis cut him off. “Ms. Stilleno, that kind of talk is not helping.”

“That kind of talk isn’t so far off,” Brad’s mom shot back.

“This is about the Facebook messages, right?” That was Jennifer’s dad, using his police officer voice, which really didn’t open the room up for idle conversation.

“It is, and I am afraid it was a serious violation of several school policies, not counting actual laws,” Mr. Davis explained, sounding like he was sad about everything. Mr. Davis was a rotten actor.

“Excuse me?” Sammy’s dad asked. “What laws?”

“That’s a good question,” the sheriff asked. “What laws do you think they broke?”

Mr. Adler looked over at him. “Well, breaking and entering, vandalism, not to mention the invasion of privacy issue.”

It was the wrong thing to say to the sheriff. “One, they didn’t break anything; they had keys. Two, taping stuff to a locker is not vandalism. If that was true, the booster club would be in trouble every time they decorated a player’s locker for game day. As for the invasion of privacy, is the school speaking on behalf of Facebook now, since Facebook is the only entity that can claim that?”

All three men looked uncomfortable. Belatedly, they had begun to realize our parents weren’t going to just sit there and listen to them expel us.

Brad’s mom asked, “Are we going to ignore the fact that my son told you there needed to be a change in the attitude of the administration toward bullying at this school?”

Mr. Davis looked at her with anger on his face. “Kelly did not get bullied on school grounds—”

“What does it matter, since my son was, and you did nothing about it then?” my mom interrupted him. “You said it was his problem for coming out, so you’re saying this is Kelly’s?”

“We didn’t say that,” Mr. Adler answered.

“What
are
you saying?” Sammy’s dad asked.

“I am saying your children are no longer welcome at this school,” Davis said, trying to grab control of the meeting again. “As of now, they are expelled.”

Brad’s mom leaned forward. “I wouldn’t do that if I were you.”

Mr. Davis returned her glare. “Or what? Your husband is going to come in and threaten us with a lawsuit again?”

“I don’t need my husband to do that,” she said, standing up. “You have one student who was verbally abused on campus, and you did nothing. My son was assaulted in
your
locker room, and you did nothing. You want to expel these kids for doing
something
after one of their friends killed himself because he was tortured by bullies, be my guest. But if you think for one second I will not bury you in the press, you are sorely mistaken. I am tired of this school not taking responsibility for its actions. Or, in this case, its inaction. You want to expel my son? Then you can explain everything that has happened at the press conference.” She looked over at the other parents. “You know, the one we’re going to have the second we walk out of here.”

They all nodded back at her.

“A young man took his own life, and you want to punish the only people who were trying to do something about what caused him to commit suicide? I don’t know what passes for logic in your world, Mr. Davis, but whatever it is, I can assure you it won’t hold up to public scrutiny.”

Mr. Davis stood up now. “I will not be blackmailed again by a group of kids! Or their parents!”

“That’s fine,” she said, opening her purse. “We won’t be the ones dealing with you.” She pulled out a stack of papers and tossed it on the desk. “The federal government will.”

Mr. Raymond picked the papers up and began browsing through them as Jennifer’s dad nodded and smiled. “You’re talking about Title Nine,” the sheriff said. Brad’s mom nodded. Everyone else looked on, confused. He began to explain. “If a school receives federal money, it cannot discriminate against people based on gender.”

“Title Nine is about sports,” Mr. Adler argued.

“It was, but in some states it has been argued that it also covers discrimination against sexual orientation as well.” The three men didn’t look convinced. “The law was enacted to create a safe place where all students can learn and grow. It focused on sports, but it refers to all schools receiving federal money.”

“Expel my son,” Brad’s mom said. “He will graduate from Granada, and you can explain to the school board why you just lost all of your funding.” She leaned on the desk to look directly into Davis’s face. “This school is for all the students. Not just the ones you like.”

“This will never hold up,” Raymond blustered.

Mrs. Greymark gave him a smile that made me promise never to piss her off. “Davis vs. Monroe Board of Education. Federal funding was withheld because the funding recipient was held liable for student-on-student harassment. The harassment was severe, pervasive, and objectively offensive; the school district had actual knowledge of the harassment, and it acted with deliberate indifference to the harassment.” She turned around and said to Brad, “I looked it up when I was sober.” She turned back to the principals. “If that doesn’t sound like what you have done to these kids, I don’t know what does. I don’t need my husband to threaten you. I can do it fine all by myself.”

It looked like all the blood had drained out of Mr. Raymond’s face.

Sammy’s dad stood up. “I am taking my daughter home. She will be back at school tomorrow.” He paused for a moment. “If it’s not this one, you better tell me now so I can call my lawyer.”

Jennifer’s dad took a step closer to Mr. Raymond. “Here’s an easy fix. Pass the antibullying codes you all have been sitting on for months now. You will say it is because you realize there is a problem, and you want to address it. We know it is because we have your feet over the fire. You slap these kids on the hand for what they did”—his voice got real angry—“and try to do the right thing for once.”

The principals looked like they were about to throw up.

My mom motioned for me to leave with her, and we all walked out as one. As soon as we were out of earshot, she said, “You know, if you don’t want to go here anymore, I will transfer you to Granada today.” Brad and the others paused and looked at us.

I had the feeling they were waiting for me to say something.

If we left, Davis and the rest of the school board would be thrilled. Without us pressuring them, they would let the school slide back to the same way it had always been. People like Sammy, the library crew, and everyone else who weren’t lucky enough to be cool would have to suffer through what we all had the past four years. Brad looked at me, and I could see in his eyes that he would transfer with me in a second.

Even if that meant he couldn’t play baseball.

They were all looking at me, waiting for me to make a decision. They were going to follow me. Whatever I chose right now, they would do the same thing. I felt a familiar panic begin to rise up in the pit of my stomach as everyone paused and looked at me to speak. It would be easy to just say yes, transfer, and fuck this school. They didn’t want us here; no one did. I wasn’t sure if Granada wanted us, but anything would have to be better than this place.

I saw Raymond and the other principals looking at me too. They were waiting as well.

I wanted to piss myself, I was so scared in that instant. I could barely figure out what to make for breakfast, and these people were looking at me to make a choice that would change the rest of their lives….

Lives they still had, unlike Kelly.

I closed my eyes and thought of Kelly, and the choice became incredibly simple. “No,” I said to her but talking to the entire group. “No, I want to stay, if for nothing else, just to make them change things.” I saw Sammy smile at me, and I knew I had made the right choice. “I’m not going anywhere.” I gave Brad a look and then looked over to the older men. “If they want us to sit in the back of the bus, they better bring more than just a couple of middle-aged principals to make us. I am not going anywhere, none of us are.” I locked eyes with Mr. Raymond. “You’ll be gone before I am.”

B
RAD

T
HE
day of the funeral was miserable.

The sky was a dirty gray that made it look like all creation was in mourning. My mom had set out my suit the night before, and as I sat there staring at it, I couldn’t bring myself to put it on. We hadn’t talked since school, but she knew I was proud of the way she handled herself. I was sure we would have a real talk later, but right now I had to put on this suit, which I couldn’t bring myself to do.

Putting it on would mean that everything was real, that Kelly was gone. If I stayed in my room and refused to move, then the world would stop as well. He would be alive somewhere, safe in his house, and everything would be okay. Nothing would have happened. Somehow time would be turned backward, and he would be waiting for us at school. I would tell him I was sorry, and he would call me a fag.

Except he wouldn’t.

Sighing, I got up and began to get dressed. Each new piece of clothing made me feel a thousand pounds heavier.

I hadn’t even realized my mom was standing in my doorway until I heard her say, “You look like your father did in high school.” Startled, I turned around. She was wearing a black dress I had never seen her wear before. I wondered distantly if she had an outfit just for funerals. Was that what growing up meant? Having a set of clothes ready to say good-bye to fallen friends? If it was, I didn’t want to grow up any more than I had.

“Is that a good thing?” I asked, trying not to sound too bitter.

She came in, nodding. Her hands began to fiddle with my tie. “You father may have many, many faults as a human being, but as a man, he was… he is a very handsome man.”

“Is that why you went out with him?” I asked.

Her hands paused for a moment. “Maybe. Maybe I saw there was a better man inside of him trying to get out. A man Kyle seems to have found in you.” She patted my lapels down. “Are you riding with us?” she asked, stepping back.

I shook my head as I slipped my shoes on. “I’m picking up Kyle. I don’t think his mom is going.”

“Lucky her,” she mumbled, looking around my room. “I know we haven’t talked much about everything that happened. But you do know if you are having any problems….”

I looked up at her. “Mom, it can wait. We have time.”

She seemed relieved and nodded quickly. “I know, but I’m a mom. It’s time I started acting like one.”

I stood up and checked myself in the mirror. “We’ll figure it out.” I walked over to her and kissed her forehead. When had I gotten so much taller than her? I forced the confusing thought out of my mind. The morning was moving too fast, and I just wanted to scream at it to slow down.

“Don’t be late,” she said, walking out of my room.

I looked down at my feet and willed them to take me downstairs to my car so I could get going. They refused to move. I uttered another sigh that came from the very core of my being and made me feel even more exhausted than I had felt before. With the enthusiasm of a condemned man turning to face a firing squad, I marched down to my car.

The entire town seemed to be shut down as I drove down First Street. Most of the shops had a sign in the window that said “Closed for Funeral.” I wished Kelly had seen this, how many lives he had touched, how many people knew him and were missing him. My vision began to blur, and I wished Kelly was here for anything. When I pulled into Kyle’s parking lot, I sat there for a few seconds and forced myself to calm down. I got halfway to the door when Kyle came out.

I had to give Robbie credit; he knew how to dress my boy.

The black suit seemed to have been tailored for Kyle’s frame. I couldn’t imagine it was secondhand. He walked up to me and put his arms around me, and I felt myself breaking down again. “I’m so sorry,” he said as I rested my head on his shoulder.

I had no words as I clung to him and let myself go for the first time since I had heard the news.

“I was such an asshole to him,” I said, the guilt clawing at my conscience like a feral cat in a bag, trying to get out. “He deserved better than me….” My whole body shook as I was wracked with sob after sob.

“Hey,” Kyle said softly. “Hey, listen to me,” he repeated when he saw I was still crying. “Kelly did what he did because of other people, not you. He loved you, Brad. He always loved you, and that is because he could see the same thing I do. A guy who’s worth loving, no matter what.” His words were like a slap in the face, and I wiped my face with the back of my hand. “You want to honor his memory? You want to respect his death? Honor his life. Do what he couldn’t. Live.”