Authors: Tracy Lee
Hell
no I didn't get him. First of all, I wasn't ready for this and, second, I
couldn't put my trust in another single human being. Last time I did that…
I
didn't want to be here, but I knew he was going to go with or without me liking
it, so I took a deep breath and blew it out. Since I didn't answer him, he took
it upon himself to begin our little adventure. I decided to focus on the movements.
I felt the door open and it seemed as though the noise from my room became
louder as it echoed down the hallway. Once muffled voices became distinct as we
walked slowly down the long corridor. I shuffled my feet, scared of not knowing
what could be in front of me…surrounding me. I recognized some nurses by their
voices and imagined what they looked like by the range in their tones. Whether
I was right or wrong, I'd never know, but it took my mind off of the
overwhelming sensations. I pulled my hand out of Oliver's hand and he quickly
grabbed it back.
"I
don't feel comfortable with this, Oliver," I pleaded. Suddenly, his mouth
was at my ear. I could feel his cool breath blowing against the side of my
face. My skin broke out in chill bumps as I took a deep breath, pushing back my
thoughts and ignoring my body's response.
"You
can do this, Hope. I know you can. You're strong, a little walk won't take that
power from you."
"I'm
scared," I whispered, not realizing what was coming out of my mouth until
I heard the words.
Oliver's
arm wrapped around me and pulled me close to him, attempting to absorb the fear
that I felt. "I would never take you somewhere that would put you in any
type of harm, you know that right?" Oliver whispered to the top of my
head. I nuzzled in closer, taking in his scent and trying so hard to just get a
glimpse at what drove this man to be so wonderful. He didn't have to do this,
any of this, but he did. Every day he came here, fought with me over just
putting socks on and, yet, he found something inside of him that made him come
back the very next day.
I
was safe with him.
I
nodded silently and felt his response vibrate in his chest. Oliver wrapped my
hand around the middle of his arm and pulled me close to him.
"You
ready?" Oliver asked.
"Do
I have a choice?" I replied to his one word question.
"Nope."
I didn't find this answer surprising. Oliver Sheldon was a man of few words. I
heard his foot fall with the first step, so I picked up my foot and repeated
his action. Then another…then another.
My
mind was going a thousand miles a minute. With every sound, I imagined what I
could associate it with. Walking close to the kitchen, I could hear pots and
pans banging together as the cooks prepared lunch for the patients. Men
speaking, barking out orders to make sure casseroles didn't burn and that the
bread was laid out to thaw.
Walking
past the nurses station, I found myself eavesdropping in on conversations
concerning other patients and their medication schedules. I pictured the nurses
flipping through charts and writing down notes for the next caregivers that
would come on duty.
The
noise from my room began to grow softer the farther we travelled and I secretly
wanted to run back to it, fall into my little spot in the corner and close my
eyes. Our stride became a bit faster as we continued down a long, straight
corridor. It was quiet, I had never been down this hallway… or maybe I had. I
was brought in on a stretcher so I wasn't sure of the route we had taken to get
to my room.
Voices
became louder and I recognized them. It took a moment, but I knew each one.
They were the nurses that would bring me meds, come in check my vitals, and
maybe try to get me out of bed to walk around for a while. They stopped coming
when I began throwing things at them. Their laughter and jovial conversations
came to an abrupt stop as we approached them. The sounds of throats clearing
and gasps filled the air around me and I became rigid.
"Ladies…we're
just going for a stroll. Shouldn't be long," Oliver said in his over-exaggerated
southern accent. "You okay?" I felt Oliver's eyes on me so I gave
him what he wanted, a quick yes.
"Okay,
we're going to turn right here, go down about fifty feet, and head out the
door," Oliver said. I took a deep breath attempting to breathe in some of
his confidence and gave him a shaky nod. His hand covered mine and I tightened
my grip as we continued down the hall.
I
counted silently as we made our way to the door that led to my biggest fear of
walking out into the world again. I allowed my mind to wander to the one thing
that gave me strength; the man I was holding onto. At that moment, I came to
realize that I had to put all my faith and trust in him to lead me somewhere
that was pleasant and secure.
I
would never take you somewhere that would put you in any type of harm, you know
that right?
Oliver's
words came back to me in a flash and I attempted to relax my stance a bit and
allow him to lead me on. The clanking of the large door opening caught me off
guard and I heard him whisper a soft apology. From the warmth of the sun and
the smells of the city, I knew we were outside. I stopped in my tracks and felt
Oliver's grip tighten, encouraging me to proceed.
"Just
a little further. Nothing out here but an empty parking lot," Oliver reassured.
I hesitantly took a step and felt the stone of the concrete under my feet. My
thin slippers allowed some of the heat to slip through the bottoms and I let go
of the breath I was holding. The warmth felt nice. It had been so long since I
had sensed anything other than cold concrete floors. I relaxed a bit more and
stopped pulling back so much. I leaned my head up to let the rays of the sun
hit me on my face and I smiled.
Oliver's
hand loosened a bit as I heard him chuckle. The smile fell from my lips as I
turned in his direction.
"What's
so funny?" I asked with all seriousness. He was supposed to be leading me,
not interrupting my moment.
"I
saw that smirk come across your lips. Admit it, it feels good out here,"
Oliver replied with a smile on his face. I could hear it as he spoke.
"I'm
not admitting anything," I said in a stern voice. Several moments later, I
felt the concrete disappear from under me and the soft crunch of grass replace
it. "Where are we?" I asked, concerned about where we were going.
I
could hear the sound of traffic muffled in the background. We weren't close,
but we weren't too far away either. "We're here!" Oliver exclaimed.
"Where's
here?" I threw back at him quickly. There was no answer. Finally, he told
me to sit down right where I was. I reached my hand out to see if there was a
chair or something to sit in and didn't feel anything. That's when I heard his
voice. "We're in a small park, Hope. When you sit down you will be sitting
in the grass. Nothing is around you, I want to try something."
With his words, my voice went rigid. Just like the other doctors always wanting
to try shit out on me. Well, I wasn't having it. "No, you're not," I
demanded.
The
air around me changed. I didn't know if it was because he was aggravated or
pissed off but, to be quite honest, I really didn't care. His voice came from
the other direction and seemed like it was moving closer to me. "I'm not
going to do anything to you, I just want to ask you a couple of questions."
The grass made a swishing sound as Oliver came to sit next to me.
"Lean
back and relax." His voice was soft and calm. It almost had an inviting
tone to it… almost.
I
sat as still as a statue and didn't say a word. I wasn't going to be treated
like a lab rat to see who could make me their breakthrough case.
"Hope…"
The way my name came out of his mouth was almost irritating. It was as if he
was mocking me, but I could hear the frustration in his tone and that made me
smile on the inside.
"This isn't going to be bad."
I
didn't let him finish because I didn't want to hear what he had to say.
"I am no one's fuckin' lab rat," I said, my voice dripping with
anger.
You
could hear the breath leave his lungs at my statement. I thought he was
different, that he actually cared about what was wrong with me. I reassured
myself that this was why there would only ever be Charlie. He understood me,
accepted me. The only thing that was wrong with this situation was that he was
gone.
Dead.
I
gripped my eyes closed at the dull the sting of pain. I felt a reassuring
warmth on my shoulder. I knew that warmth, it was Oliver's warmth.
"Hope,
honey, lay back." His voice was calm and soft, soothing the pain that had
now overcome me. Without even thinking, I did as he said. I slowly made my way
back, allowing his hand to glide me down until I was lying on my back. I
relaxed my face because although I couldn't see, the blackness suddenly wasn't
as black.
I
smiled again. It wasn't much, but it wasn't
so
dark.
"Tell
me what you see."
"What?"
Was this a big ass joke to him? How dare he ask a question like that!
"Before
you get all sorted out of shape, I know you see something."
"I
see darkness."
"Look
deeper," Oliver immediately responded.
Now
I was the one getting frustrated. This was why he brought me out here…out of my
comfort zone? For him to ask me some sort of stupid question?
"Looking
deeper, still see black. Can we stop the nonsense and go back in now?" I
asked, turning my head in his direction. As I did this, my nose sensed the
grass and the earthiness of the soil. If my eyes weren't already closed, I
would've closed them as I pictured the grass and remembered it.
"No,
we're not going back inside. Tell me what you see when you smell this."
I
felt his body come closer to mine and it made me shiver. I blew off the feeling
and braced myself for what he was about to stick in my face. I caught a hint
of the aroma that I knew I had experienced before when I could see. It was
sweet with just a tinge of spice… Jasmine. My body automatically relaxed. I
took another deep breath in, allowing it to fill my lungs and overwhelm my
senses. Oliver made another pass of the perfumed flower as I continued taking
in the wonderful scent. The honeyed sweetness took me back to a time when I had
been happy. Candles surrounded us, the bouquet of the jasmine diminished the
cares of the world, and it was just us. Charlie and I had just made love. Lost
in each other, his body intertwined with mine, I felt nothing but his love as
it washed over me. Quickly, I turned my head in the other direction.
"What
do you see, Hope?" Oliver asked cautiously. He didn't know what that scent
would bring up for me. I figured he was attempting to do something nice, trying
to get me to recognize familiar things, but it was too hard for me to say
anything.
So,
I didn't answer him.
"Hope?"
"It's
Jasmine," I said in a low, monotone voice.
"It
is Jasmine. Now, what do you see?"
"Why
are you doing this?"
I
sat up in a defensive poise, my back rigid and ready for a fight. I didn't like
where this was going, I didn't want to be reminded of what I so desperately
missed.
Oliver
was quiet for a while. Finally, I heard him speak.
"I'm
going to put something to your nose again, tell me what you see."
Quickly,
he put his hand out to me and I could smell the sweet, deep fragrance of the
gardenia. He didn't even have to come that close for me to recognize it. I
pictured the last image I'd ever seen of that flower. My mother's garden; the
bush of beautiful blossoms grew thick and the sweet smell of the buds danced
around in the summertime air. The beautiful white pedals, so thin and soft,
reminded me of white velvet. The way the bees swarmed around the blooms all
day, every day made me realize that all of nature knew this was the scent of
heaven.
I
gripped my eyes closed again with the pain of knowing I would never be able to
see this site again.
"What
do you see?" Oliver asked once more and I couldn't hold it back any
longer.
"Pain,
Oliver…I see nothing but pain!" I yelled at the top of my lungs. In that
moment, it hit me that I was not the independent woman I used to be. I couldn't
even walk off to get away from the situation…I had no idea where the hell I
was. I pulled my legs up to my chest and put my face in my hands.
I
couldn't live this way, I wouldn't want my worst enemy to have to live in this
hell. Even if I could become a halfway surviving human being, my mind would
always be in that place where Charlie and Sawyer are and I wouldn't be living
at all. So consumed by my thoughts, I didn't even realize that I was sobbing.
I
heard a small "shit" leave Oliver's mouth and then I felt his hand on
mine. It occurred to me that I didn't want this for him. Oliver was wasting his
time by coming here and helping me every day. You couldn't help someone who
wasn't worth helping. He needed to know I was done.
"I'm
done, Oliver," I breathed out through the sobbing. I couldn't make the
tears stop coming. All that kept going through my mind was how much I wanted to
be back in that park with Charlie and Sawyer.