Authors: Tracy Lee
"Answer
me…why can't you work with me on the noise in this room? Why won't you realize
that everything I am doing is intended to make you the person you used to be?"
That
was it. He didn't know the person I used to be and I was not about to let him
think he was going to use this against me.
Fuming,
I stood up instantly and pointed my unseeing eyes at him still sitting on my
bed. "Screw you, Oliver! You have no clue who I used to be! I used to have
my sight, you gonna give me back my eyes to make me the person I used to be? I
used to be a loving wife, you gonna bring back my husband to make me the person
I used to be? I used to live for my son, you gonna bring him back to make me
the person I used to be? You cannot ‘make me'," I raised my hands in air
quotations for emphasis, "the person I used to be. Now, if you don't get
your shit and get out of here, I will lose my temper and happily sit in that
chair you like to threaten me with!"
Aside
from the radios that had become a soothing background noise to me, the room was
silent. I walked away from Oliver and I made my way to the door. Before I could
even make it to the table in the middle of the room, he spoke in that gentle
but loud voice again.
"Had
a wife, she left me. Said I paid more attention to my job than I did to her.
But, what she didn't see was that I worked my ass off so that I could make her
happy. I bought her a nice home in the suburbs, made sure she had a dependable
car so I didn't have to worry about her when she went out… I even bought her a
dog." I heard him snicker as I pictured him thinking about his dog running
around in the front yard of his suburban home. "Loved her so much, it made
my insides hurt. Ever felt love like that?" I didn't answer because he
knew I had. "To this day, I swear I'll never love someone as much as I
loved her. Now, she's married to a man who has his own business, has a coupl'a
kids… she's happy."
I
heard him clear his throat and knew that this confession was harder than he was
portraying it to be. I suddenly felt bad for the things I had said and the way
I acted toward him. I forgot to think of him as a person. To me, most of these
doctors and nurses weren't people, they were doctors and nurses. They didn't
treat me like a human being, they treated me like a patient who was in need of
calming injections and daily doses of pills that would keep me so doped up I
could barely function at all. I needed to take step back and actually start
thinking of them more as people with lives, families, hobbies, maybe even
children and dogs and white picket fences.
"You
think that if something happened to me while we were together I'd want her
living the way you are?"
My
back became rigid. There went my reasoning right out the window. This wasn't
about me, this was about him. He didn't know my Charlie, he had no clue that
that man was my world, the one who made my heart beat each second throughout
the day. If I couldn't have him, this life wasn't worth living.
"Look
at yourself, Hope. Do you think he's looking down on you, happy with the
decisions you've made for yourself?"
How
dare him!
"You
don't know shit about Charlie!" I screamed as I stormed in the direction
of his voice. "You don't know what kind of man he was!" I continued
yelling as I attempted to buck up to him.
"I
know if he was any kind of man he wouldn't want you living this way!"
Oliver yelled just as loud and fierce. "You think that if he walked into
this room he'd be pleased with the way you've taken this second chance at life?
Why someone thought you deserved it, I'm still trying to figure out, but would
he be thrilled to see you like this? Thrilled that you haven't used your second
chance the way it should be used?"
I
was livid.
I
thought my head would explode at any moment. "This life is nothing but a
penance set on me for causing the deaths of my husband and child," I burst
out, screaming into Oliver's direction.
"You
think you're responsible for their deaths?" Oliver chuckled.
He
was laughing.
I
backed away from him. I couldn't even stand to be in the same room with him at
this moment. "You're laughing at my pain?" I could barely get the
words to leave my throat. I had to turn away from him. I quickly walked back to
my corner and slid down the wall, tuning into the sounds of static that
surrounded me.
I
wanted to be with my family.
I
pulled my knees up and rested my elbows against them. Resting the palm of my
hands against my eyes, I began to drive them deeper into the sockets. Why
couldn't it have been me? The truck hit my side, I should be dead and Charlie
and Sawyer should be at home, playing and laughing. Sure, they would've mourned
my death, but they wouldn't have had a choice but to move on.
I
had nothing to motivate me into making that choice. I felt my body begin to
shake as I began sobbing harder than I had since the accident. I sat there for
what seemed like forever questioning why I was the one that was left. I didn't
want to be here. I would trade my life for theirs in a heartbeat.
I
instantly raised my head at the feeling of Oliver's hand touching my shoulder.
"Why!"
I exclaimed, biting back the sobs threatening to choke me. I needed a reason. I
needed to know why my wonderful, amazing husband and my beautiful, loving,
spirited son were taken from me. Why did I have to live to dread yet another
day without them? I didn't get a response from Oliver. I sucked back the
moisture I felt running down the side of my nose as I drew in a deep breath.
"Why
them?"
Immediately,
Oliver's soft toned voice cut to my ears. "Hope, I don't have the answer
to that. All I know is that it
wasn't
you. I also know you were not
responsible for that accident, so you need to get that out of your mind."
I felt his hand rest gently over the top of mine and his breath hot on my cheek
as he continued, "I'm sorry I laughed at you. It was uncalled for and
extremely unprofessional. I ask that you forgive me."
I
sucked in my breath at his apology and turned my face so that my cheek hit the
warm skin of his. To my surprise, he didn't pull away.
"You
have been given an opportunity that not many get when they come that close to
death."
I
felt his skin disappear from my face and let go of the breath I was holding.
"I
know for a fact that your husband would not want you living like this. Yes, you
may have to overcome some obstacles, but hey…" Oliver reached under my
chin and turned my head toward him as if he wanted me to look into his eyes, "I
believe in you, Hope. You have the strength to do this."
His
finger fell from under my chin and I let my head fall forward, my long blonde
hair that was no longer matted covered my face. Oliver's arm wrapped around my
shoulders and he pulled me into him as I let everything out. My pain, sadness,
regret, hate, every emotions poured out of me as I succumbed to an emotional
upheaval that was long overdue.
Once
the tears started to subside I found enough strength to mumble out one word, "Goodbye."
Oliver's
arm gave me a gentle squeeze as he bent his head to tuck the hair behind my
ear.
"What
did you say?" he asked so kindly.
"I
said goodbye," I repeated as I wiped the tears from my cheeks. Now it was
his turn to straighten his posture. I couldn't see his face but by the rhythm
in his breathing pattern he was either pissed off or laughing.
"Not
happenin', Hope. I'm not going anywhere. I signed on for this and I'm going to
see it through, just like you are. So, if you think that you're going to get
rid of me–"
"I
never got to say goodbye," I interrupted softly. And that was the truth, I
didn't. I was in a coma when Charlie and Sawyer were put in the ground.
Minutes
passed before Oliver finally spoke.
"We'll
make sure to change that."
Chapter 11
"What
the hell are you doing?"
Once
again, I was sitting in my car, scrubbing my face, and looking in the rearview
mirror at an image I questioned.
I
had just left Hope after her meltdown; a meltdown that was way overdue. I didn't
know what felt worse, the guilt as it plastered itself to my body for being the
reason her freak out began or that I was beginning to feel something strange
when it came to Hope Saxton.
"Let
it go, dude. She's a client and you're a professional." I felt the need to
chastise myself.
This
wasn't me, I didn't behave like this. A feeling like this had never come over
me before toward a client and it wasn't going to begin now. "Her husband's
not even cold in the ground," I said to the empty car. I needed to
rationalize my thoughts and get them under control, but every time I thought
about Hope a peaceful warmth fill me until it was almost overwhelming.
I
hadn't felt something like this since…Kayla.
Looking
around the parking lot, I wanted to make sure that no one was present for
my
private freak out. I thought back to that moment when something changed. I
pulled her chin in my direction and gazed at the beauty that was standing in
front of me. The sorrow that disguised itself as anger all throughout her body
language, her words…it was like a terminal disease eating away at her. Her eyes
were closed, but that didn't matter. I could see so much more than her looking
back at me. The way her freckles trailed down both sides of her nose, the rose
tinge that was naturally stained on her lips, begging for me to swipe my tongue
across them. Her cheekbones were sculpted as if an artist chiseled them out
himself. I could smell the peach scent of her shampoo mixed with her scent and
it was almost irresistible. There was nothing I wanted to do more than run my
fingers over her blonde locks, pushing them away from her face as I leaned down
to gently press my lips to hers.
She
didn't know that I was watching her and for that I felt kind of dirty, but
seeing her cleaned up made me wonder how she was back before the accident. My
mind instantly imagined a glowing smile beaming across her still wet mouth from
where her husband just kissed her as she carried on around the kitchen.
Suddenly,
the idea of another man laying his lips on hers made knots begin to form in my
gut.
I
ran my hands through my hair to cast away the thoughts that I knew were wrong.
In fact, I would deny I ever had them. Over the past months, I've found myself
spending an excessive amount of time with Hope. I told myself it was because of
the rehab but, deep down inside, I knew it was because of the feelings I
developed when I was around her. I liked it, I wanted more of it. I started
out spending an hour with her now I was finding myself staying all morning. We
worked, of course, and I was proud of the progress she was making, but she
still had a long way to go.
I
drew in a deep breath as I started up my car. Rapid knocking sounded on my
window and scared the hell out of me. As I jumped quickly back around, I
noticed it was one of the nurses that was laughing at me the first day I was
here. She was breathing heavily and looked disheveled. The first thought that
popped into my head was that something was
very
wrong and the image that
accompanied that feeling was Hope's face.
I
rushed to roll down my window as she panted, trying to get in enough breath to
form a sentence. I wasn't wasting any time. Throwing the car in park, I turned
off the car and jumped out as she breathed what she needed to say.
"Sh…she…she's
scre…screaming for you." The nurse finally got out, but I had already
began sprinting across the parking lot, praying that the worst wasn't
happening. I flew past the main desk and the nurse's station, pushing my way
through the group of nurses and doctors struggling to get her strapped down on
the bed. I saw one doctor on the side filling a syringe with a fluid that no
doubt would knock her out.
I
pushed through to stand beside her and immediately got close enough for her to
hear my voice. The noise around us had become nothing but background chatter
now, I even gave up on asking her to turn it off. She wanted it on, she could
keep it on. For now.
"Hope,
it's Ollie. I'm here."
As
I finished my statement, her screaming diminished to nothing more than a
whimper. I looked around me at all of the staff whose eyes were all locked on
mine. I didn't say a word, I just shook my head as I continued to speak with
her in a soft voice.
"I'm
here and everything's okay. You need to calm down. Once you do, we'll talk.
Until then, honey… you need to breathe."
"Don't
leave me again…ever again!" Hope whispered as her head fell back to the
pillow. I grabbed her hand in mine and began rubbing slowly. I immediately felt
the warmth fill me and I fought it, pushing it back down inside me. This was
neither the place nor the time. My heart twitched as she gripped my hand back,
showing me how grateful she was for my presence. God, this shit needs to stop.
I was being a prick and I knew it, getting my body to act accordingly was the
hard part.