Authors: Tracy Lee
It
didn't take him long.
"You
got yourself a pretty great gal there, Ollie."
I
smiled but didn't say anything as he continued.
"Under
all that sadness and pain…that woman could take on the world."
I
nodded but still sat silent as he dropped his hands completely and leaned into
the table.
"Not
much longer and it would've consumed her, Ollie."
That's
when I knew that everything was going to be better, that her healing process
was now ready to begin. I closed my eyes and breathed a sigh of relief.
"Thank
you, Glenn." Was all I could push out but I was filled with gratitude from
head to toe. I made a mental note to make sure that Glenn was taken care of. "Wasn't
me that did it. If anything, that ‘lil girl helped me," Glenn said. I was
shocked still for a moment and he noticed.
"Haven't
talked about my daughter in years. Not that I didn't want to, just… that pain
was deep. I could feel it rip through me, took me weeks to get back to just
above rock bottom."
It
all made sense then. He lived as a bottom feeder. Took in nourishment, lived a
life, but it was nothing. He was just there, as low as any human could get, but
not low enough to make it all go away.
"Finally
looked at my reflection and saw how I was living. Me and that ‘lil girl are no
different. We are now, I can tell you that. Lost ghosts today that have been
haunting us both and I have a feeling we owe it all to you."
I
couldn't agree with him, but I wanted to go see Hope, so I stood and he did as
well. I grabbed his hand and pulled him into me, wrapping him up in a big bear
hug. I owed him so much, I would never be able to fully repay him for what he
did for me.
"I
appreciate you, brother," I said as I clapped him on the back.
"Same
to you. Now, go see your girl," Glenn whispered in my ear before he pulled
back. I didn't waste any more time.
I
went to see my girl.
Chapter 17
Hearing
that door shut meant I could finally break down. I was by myself and I needed
this time to put myself back together. I didn't make it to my spot behind the
door, I just fell to my knees where I was and allowed my tears to run. How
could I continue on without them? I didn't want to think about my life if they
weren't there. People…friends were always going to come and go in your life but
when you give someone a part of you that goes as deep as your bottomless soul,
there's no way to recover from that.
I
heard the door open slightly and Oliver's voice entered the room. "Can I
come in?" I cleared my thoughts, sucked back the rest of my breakdown, and
picked my head up off the floor. Standing up, I felt his presence close to me
which brought me a feeling I hadn't felt in a while. Comfort.
"How
you doing?" Ollie's voice was filled with concern, but I couldn't answer
him. I wasn't sure how I was. I was a jumbled mess of emotions that I just
wanted to let go of and talking to Glenn showed me that I needed to let go.
Guilt consumed me, followed by overwhelming grief.
I
missed my husband and son terribly, but I also missed my mom and dad. I knew
deep down that Charlie wouldn't want me to live this way. If the roles were reversed,
I would want him to find happiness again, but for some reason, I couldn't find
that place for me.
That
was when Ollie popped into my thoughts.
I
envisioned the time when I ran my hands down his face, feeling his expression,
his features, everything that made him real to me. In that moment, everything I
felt, the guilt, the grief, the loneliness, it all dissipated as though it
never existed.
I
stood up and started walking over to the table when Ollie started speaking, "I
need you to tell me how you are because we have one more exercise for the day."
I
didn't say a word which got Ollie to move closer to me. I realized how close
when he put both hands on either side of my face. I pulled my hands up and
wrapped them around his lower arms, feeling the contact for myself.
"Talk
to me, Hope," Ollie whispered.
I
didn't know how to tell him or where to even start, so I just answered his
question. "I'm fine," I breathed.
We
just stood there for a moment in silence. I didn't need to see Ollie's
expression to know that his thoughts were heavy. With what, I had no idea. I
just continued to tell myself that this inner peace was good…it was right.
"It's
time, Hope," he said, breaking me from reveling in the calmness of the
moment. I wasn't quite sure what he was talking about and I found myself
backing away as fear and panic started to fill my head.
"Don't
do this, Hope. Don't pull away from me," Ollie swiftly pleaded with me. He
came toward me as I backed away and quickly grabbed my arm. I was about to yell
when his voice soothed me. "Trust me, Hope." His voice was pleading
for me to give this to him, so I took a breath and nodded once more.
I
went to walk away when I heard a voice that froze every thought in my head.
"Hope?"
I
couldn't help but allow the tears to burst forth when I realized it was my dad's
voice.
*
* *
"Why?"
I mouthed to Ollie. I knew he could see my mouth.
"It's
time to start healing, honey," Ollie whispered in my ear as he grabbed my
hand. He pulled back but didn't let go as we turned and walked toward the door.
"How about we take this out to the garden? It's a beautiful day out. What
do you think, Hope?" Still tender from the morning's involvement with
Glenn, I didn't know what to say, so I just nodded my okay. We walked in
silence through the building and out to where Ollie and I had had our argument.
I sat down on the grass, feeling the texture in my hands as I waited for
someone to start speaking.
"You
look so good, honey," my mom said in a shaky tone after several minutes. I
felt the chill run over my arms as her voice pierced my ears. I pushed back the
thoughts of Charlie and Sawyer and remained silent. I couldn't answer her…it
was too hard. I felt Ollie take my hand and, once again, that comforting
feeling took over and I soaked it up.
I
heard my dad clear his throat. "We've missed you so much."
I
swallowed back my tears as I pushed down memories of my son in my father's arms
that night of the anniversary party. I was barely hanging on to any type of
composure. I heard the small voice of my sister, Faith, say my name and I lost
it.
"When
will I be able to hear your voices and not think of them!" I screamed and
heard my mother immediately break down. "Why can't I just see
you
?!"
Ollie squeezed my hand as I tried to pull away. "Why can't I find good
again? I am so sick of seeing misery!" I said through my sobs. I quickly
reached over, threw my arms around Ollie's neck, and laid my head on his
shoulder. The space between all of us became thick with silence as I felt Ollie
rubbing his hand up and down my back.
"I can't do it, Ollie. I want good again, this just brings everything
back," I said trying to zone them out as though they didn't exist. "Shh,
Hope. This is how you get to the good. They love you. Never in their minds
would they want to hurt you. It's not fair that you are associating them with
that pain. You need to separate it. Let them give you good."
I
felt another hand on my back, then another, then another. My family was all
around me, this whole time they were all around me, wanting to help me, support
me, and I pushed them all away. "Hope, mom and dad…and me…" My sister
was trying to talk through her tears and I hated that I brought this to her, to
them. All of it was on me. "We love you so much, let us help you give you
back your life. We always just wanted to help you, sweetie." I continued
to give everything to Ollie as he took all of me. I was nothing but weighted
down brokenness and he gave me back everything I needed from strength to solace
in return.
Everything
that Charlie gave me and more.
I
couldn't believe that this man was willing to give this to me, a blind woman
who had nothing but a broken heart to offer. How would I ever give back to make
up for what I've taken? I wrapped my arms tighter around him as his warmth
enveloped me. I wanted to stay here but I knew I couldn't.
It
was time.
I
knew it. I needed it to be. I wanted my family and I needed good again.
"I
miss you all so much. I'm…s…so sorry…I pu…put you through all of this." I
could barely get the words out but I couldn't stop now. I needed to take that
first step. "Dad?"
I
felt Ollie pull away from me and I hated losing his warmth. My other hand was
taken and I ran the tips of my fingers over the worn, dry skin and knew it was
my daddy.
"Hey,
baby." I heard his throaty voice and it almost brought me to my knees. I
caused him so much pain. It was unbearable, I could hear it in his tone. I
couldn't say anything, I just wrapped my arms around his neck as I felt my mom's
petite arms encircle me as well as Faith's.
We
began to be a family again.
Today
was the day. It was the day to heal.
Ollie
walked off, allowing us our time to heal together.
Chapter 18
Two
Weeks Later
I
needed to sleep.
I
was totally exhausted, mentally and physically, from the day's activities. My
mom and dad came again today and we met with the therapist that was helping me
deal with this mourning process I had come to find out I never had a chance to
go through. Things were good. We were taking it slow, but it still hurt.
And
it hurt deep.
Which,
in turn, led to
healing.
I
took my shower and got dressed for bed, I didn't even remember my head hitting
the pillow before I was out.
The
room looked amazing. It was my home. Everywhere I looked was the house that I
decorated for Charlie and I to begin our life. Walking over to one of my
favorite pictures hanging on the wall, I placed my hand up to feel the textured
paint under my fingers and it rippled as if it were water. I fell into a
continuous spin as panic filled me.
I
could see everything but Charlie and Sawyer weren't around. I began to question
myself. Was I dead?
Walking
into the kitchen, I kept an eye out for one or both of my boys and saw that
there was no one around. I hurried my walk into the other room and stopped at
the sight that I saw.
There
sat Charlie in his favorite chair, dressed in a suit that made him look so
handsome, a suit I bought him one year for a dinner party I threw celebrating
his big promotion. He sat facing me with a smile as though he was expecting me.
I looked around to see if I could see Sawyer when I heard Charlie's voice.
"He's
not here," Charlie said through his beautiful smile that I had missed
terribly. I guess my face asked him to elaborate because he answered the
question that was on my mind. "Sawyer's off with some friends. Mind if we
have a chat?" Charlie asked as he stood and started walking toward me. I
smiled and started to move forward quickly, spreading my arms out to wrap
around him when he suddenly stopped. "Hope, we need to talk."
The
smile left his face and I stopped in my tracks. He didn't want me touching him,
this wasn't my Charlie. It had been awhile since I had spent time with both him
and Sawyer in my dreams. Every time they'd show up their images became dimmer
and dimmer. It was like they were there but not.
I
could tell he had changed. This Charlie was serious, he was never serious here.
This was where we were us again, our loving, happy family. I nodded and waited
for him to pass by me so I could follow him to where he wanted us to speak.
He
walked up the stairs and into Sawyer's room. The colors of the paint mixed with
the décor was spot on to what I had decorated when I found out I was pregnant.
I always had mixed emotions when I came into this room. I felt happy and joyful
because this was my son's room, but it also took everything within me to even
make it through the door because…well, this was my son's room.
Looking
over the white washed crib to the lime green and blue alligator bedding I had
chosen, I remembered the times I laid my son down right there in front of me. I
took in the pictures that hung around the room, my eyes stopping on one in
particular. It was a black and white of me and Charlie. We were laying on a
blanket out in the yard, Charlie was on his stomach with his arm around me,
pulling me close to him as he laid a kiss on my forehead. My eyes were closed
and a perfectly happy smile danced across my lips.
I
remembered that day like it was yesterday. It was burned into my memory; the
emotions I felt, the way Charlie told me that he couldn't have taken a better
picture, the way his eyes gleamed from being utterly content in that very
moment.