Authors: Tracy Lee
"You
think you can just send these people in here to observe me like some kind of
lab rat? These strangers walk in here like they are better than me…I know, I
can hear it in their voice. Just because they have some degree hanging on a
wall in an office, they can spontaneously heal me? I've told every single one
of them to stop coming in here, I don't want their help…I don't
need
their help! Stop wasting their time, because this is the only way you have ever
known me. I have nothing but wasted time and will continue to have nothing
until the day I die. Which, just between you and me, can't come soon enough."
I
heard him clear his throat before he spoke. He knew that there was nothing else
they could do that may work. Eleven surgeries to try to repair the damage that
had been done. We tried everything. My blindness was permanent.
"Are
you planning on harming yourself, Hope?"
I
could hear the quiver in his tone, the breathy way he said "harming".
I knew he was wishing I would have never said anything and just let him walk
right back out of this room. Counseling was not his specialty, he was more of
the hands-on doctor. This
tell me how you feel
bullshit was more for the
chauvinistic, money hungry asshole that made you like feel like you would still
be living in that fucked up state of mind if it wasn't for them. I had come to
the conclusion that since my family nor my eyes would never be returned to me,
I would constantly live in that fucked up state of mind. I laughed a maniacal
laugh and felt his body heat draw closer to me. I knew I was scaring the shit
out of him.
But,
since I liked the guy.
"No,
I'm not planning on harming myself, Doc. I won't do anything if…"
I
quickly reassessed my thoughts, figuring I could really use this question to my
advantage.
"Tell
them to stop coming in here and let me live out the rest of my life by myself.
No more tests, no more therapy sessions, just let me be."
He
didn't even wait for me to finish. "You know I can't do that, Hope."
I could feel the smile leave my face as I turned to hide the disappointment
that was encompassing me. This conversation was over.
"Get
out," I said softly.
"Hope…"
He took a step closer, I backed away.
"I
said get out!"
This
time, he listened.
I
heard the door lock as I slid back down into my position again, laying my cheek
on my knees. I felt the tear quickly roll down my cheek before it hit the
papered floor I sat on. I never thought someone could actually live feeling
this alone.
Something
I dealt with every day of my life.
Chapter 7
One
Month Later
I
could see.
Visions
flashed through my mind as though they were happening right in front of me.
Sawyer was in his highchair and I was pretending I was an airplane bringing in
a loaded spoon of blended peas for a landing directly into his mouth. I could
hear him giggle as he opened up, inviting the payload straight to his big boy
tummy.
I
could hear Charlie's husky laugh as he watched from behind us. "Honey, you
really shouldn't play with his food," Charlie jokingly chastised me. "He's
not going to eat it without you playing that each time if you keep it up."
I giggled as I turned around and blew Charlie a kiss. He had such good
intentions, but I just couldn't help myself when it came to Sawyer.
I
could smell the rosemary chicken he had grilling on the stove as if this were
my reality. I looked around and could see the room as though I was sitting in
it at this very moment. My senses were overwhelmed with everything that was
around me and I took in every bit of it. Standing up, I headed over to my
husband. I just needed to feel him against me. I needed to know that he was
truly here with me. Charlie was in front of the stove. I watched as he turned
the chicken over, revealing a beautiful golden-brown piece of delectable heaven
that made my mouth water every time he made it. My eyes went to the back of
his head as I reached up to touch his hair. I could feel the dark strands of
silk as they ran through my fingers. I closed my eyes as my heart filled with
warmth. Slowly, Charlie turned around and I hugged him as tight as I could.
Inhaling deep, I took in his scent. I loved his cologne but Charlie always had
a natural scent to him that I was drawn to; sandalwood and leather was what
would come to mind.
I
reached up on my tip-toes and pushed my lips against his. They were so warm
against my cold, chapped skin. I didn't want to pull away because I knew as
soon as I did this would all be over. I opened my eyes and noticed Charlie's
were open as well. I stared into the crystal blue color as he stared into mine.
I could see his soul through his eyes.
"What's
wrong, babe?" Charlie asked, his words flooded with worry as he gently
pulled back. I couldn't speak, I couldn't find the words. Maybe my other
reality was the nightmare, maybe this was my reality. Right now; here, in this
moment. I didn't want to answer him just in case. I turned around and went back
over to Sawyer who was still in his highchair palming cereal O's into his
mouth. I leaned down and placed my nose to the top of his head. I could smell
the shampoo I used when I washed his hair earlier that morning. It filled my
senses as my heart beamed with overflowing love for my child that I had back in
my arms…and in my sight.
I
pulled him up and into me as though I would never let him go. I didn't know
where I was but I was never leaving this place. Sawyer pushed back as I looked
into his eyes…eyes that I stared into not three minutes ago, Charlie's eyes,
and I said the only words that I could. Words that I meant with all of my
heart. "Mommy loves you so much, baby." I was looking at my child
again, my son that had been taken from me over a year and a half ago. He was
really in my arms.
"Hope,
are you ready to eat?" I turned to look back at Charlie and noticed that
he looked oddly different, almost transparent. Suddenly, Sawyer wasn't as heavy
as he had once been. I immediately got up and started to run over to Charlie. I
could hear him calling my name but it was quickly fading. "Hope… Hope? Why
won't you answer me, Hope?"
I
began calling to him. The calling became louder until I was screaming his name.
"Charlie…Charlie…Sawyer…come back!"
"Hope…Hope…"
I could hear him and his voice suddenly became louder. I opened my eyes to a
dark stillness. Nothing was in my sight but a cold, dark emptiness. It was then
I realized that I was back in my reality. I heard a male's voice that seemed
strangely familiar but I couldn't place where I knew it from. He continued to
call my name as he repeatedly jarred me from my sleep.
"Hope,
get up."
The
voice was loud, rough and direct. Most of the people who came in here were soft
spoken as though they were afraid to piss me off. This deep male's voice was
completely the opposite. As a matter of fact, he sounded like he was the one
who was pissed off.
"Get
up! I'm in no mood for your games today so let me say what I need to say and I'll
get out of here."
I
felt the weight of the bed lighten as he got up from sitting on the side of it.
Obviously, that's where I knew that voice from, he had been here before. I
started to think back over all the doctors and therapists that had come to
visit me but I couldn't place this voice. I sat up and yawned. Scratching my
scalp through my snarled hair ended up making it more tangled, but I didn't
care. I wasn't here for a beauty pageant or to impress anyone. Hell, they were
lucky I was wearing panties under these cheap ass scrubs they gave us to wear.
I
set my feet on the concrete floor and felt the shiver run through me from the
difference in temperatures. Turning my head from side to side, I realized it
wasn't as loud in here as it usually was.
"Click."
Quickly,
I turned my head in the direction of the sound as the room began to fade away.
"Click."
There
went my radio by the door.
"Click."
There
went the television. Panic started rising inside of me. Who the hell did this
man think he was coming in here and touching my belongings? I looked around
quickly in the directions that I had placed all my small radios. One by one, it
became quieter in the room and, for the first time since I got here, I began to
feel that feeling I had locked down deep inside.
Helplessness.
I
decided a long time ago that I would never allow people to think that I was
incapable of doing anything. I would never allow myself to be known as being
disabled or not having the ability to fend for myself. That label was mine to
do with as I wanted and, when I was alone in here, I chose to just sit here and
waste away.
But,
not in front of people.
The
quieter it grew, the more uncomfortable I became and the angrier I got. This
asshole was going to get the hell out of my space now. I stood up and walked
over to the first radio I could reach and turned it back on. Reaching around
the side, I felt the volume control. I decided since he was going to be a dick,
I'd be a bigger one. I turned it up even louder. I went to the next one and
turned it on as well as I yelled to the room.
"I
don't know who you are, dickhead, but didn't your momma teach you that touching
other people's shit isn't nice?"
There
was no answer.
I
went to the next one and turned it back on, nothing but loud static. I didn't
care, it was the noise that I wanted.
"Click."
There
went what I could only imagine was a lamp, then another one, then another one.
He was shutting everything down.
"I
told you, Hope, the quicker you listen to me, the quicker I get outta here.
Now, what's it going to be?"
I
stopped where I was. He was not going to say anything I hadn't heard before. I
turned in the direction of his voice.
"And
don't even think you can catch me off guard again. I've checked your room,
there are no mugs in here this time."
"Sheldon."
I
knew I had heard his voice before. It was that Sheldon guy, he came back. Damn,
I thought I had scared him off. I was going to have to rethink my scare tactics
since they didn't seem to be working anymore.
"Say
what you have to say and get out." My voice was low and it wasn't sweet,
it was demanding and curt and I meant each word.
"That's
what I was working on, but I really didn't want to yell over static."
His
voice was loud, but I didn't care if he wrote down what he had to say and left
it for me on my table, that's how much I was going to pay attention. I walked
over to the table that was in the direction of his voice and pulled out the
chair to physically show him he had my attention. Mentally? Well...
"You're
being discharged from this facility."
His
words cut through me like a sword that had been sitting in a flame. How could
they discharge me? They were being paid for my care. Sheldon cleared his throat
to apparently get my attention so that he could continue, which he did.
"Therefore,
it is my responsibility to help you learn or in your case, since you're such a…"
He stopped talking as if to think of the right word to say. Bitch? Pain in the
ass? Fucking asshole? Those were the delightful endearments that came to mind.
I smiled huge with what other words I could come up with.
"An
independent woman."
That's
what he came up with?
I
thought to myself as he continued on.
"I
will help you relearn how to dress yourself, deal with hygiene…" He
coughed. At his words, I raised my arm up and pulled on the patch of hair that
now grew in my once a month waxed underarm. "You will be able to cook and
clean for yourself and, if you really work hard and wanted to, you could even
get a job."
"Oh,
joy! Let the bells toll for the blind woman who can ask if you want fries with
that," I sarcastically spat out. I could tell by his tone that he was
beginning to relax since I hadn't said or threw anything at his head. That
changed when I made my cynical remark. I pictured this overweight middle aged
man standing up in front of me, telling me he was going to "teach me"
how to fend for myself.
This
was such bullshit.
"Do
you have any questions?"
Suddenly,
I realized that he had asked the wrong question. I had questions alright. He
wanted to teach me how to clean up and wipe my own ass, I needed to find out
what other things he was going to teach me.
"Yeah,
I have a question. Are you going to reteach me how to give a blowjob, too? Or
maybe how to take it up the ass?"
I
didn't let him answer, I quickly stood up and pulled my tank top off, exposing
my braless chest to him. Closing in on his voice, I continued asking my
questions.
"Maybe
you can teach me how to put a man's dick between these and make him scream my
name. Do you think you can do that, Sheldon?"