Envisioning Hope (2 page)

In
that moment, I knew that this was right, me with Charlie. This was not going to
be some marriage that if it turned bad we could just part ways, this was really
going to be forever. Just like my mom and dad, there was no turning around and
walking away with the two of them. They made the commitment and that was the
only one they would ever make.

My
dad placed my hand in Charlie's and I closed my eyes at the sensation that
drifted through me. As of today, this was my husband. I looked at his clean
shaven face and wanted nothing more than to run my hand against his skin. I
allowed my eyes to take in every inch of him. He placed his other hand behind
my elbow and helped me up the stairs where the pastor was standing. I wasn't
about to turn around to look at who was behind us, they didn't matter to me;
this was our time. I felt Cameron, my cousin, fix my train as we had practiced
the night before as Charlie continued to lead me up the steps.

The
music stopped and my senses were on full alert. I could hear the scrambling of
bodies as they were being seated. I looked at Charlie and smiled. Leaning down
closer to me, he whispered in my ear, "Baby, love the dress, but after
this…it's getting wrinkled." I held back my laugh as best I could but I
was not going to argue with that.

The
sound of the pastor's voice brought my attention back to reality, "Dearly,
Beloved…"

*
* *

"Ladies
and gentlemen, please welcome, for the very first time as man and wife, Mister
and Misses Charles Saxton!"

The
applause and whooping echoed throughout the hallway of the hotel as we opened
the door to enter the banquet hall. Charlie raised our joined hands as I joined
in on the whooping and hollering. I was ready for a drink and a dance floor.
Looking around at the full room, I locked my eyes on the bar that was straight
across from our table. I let go of Charlie's hand and he turned his head in my
direction.

"Where
do you think you're off to?" Charlie said as he grabbed my hand again. I
turned his over to admire the ring that I had placed on his hand not even two
hours ago. The flash of the photographer's camera made me close my eyes as I
looked up into Charlie's face. I had just about had enough of the camera going
off every thirty seconds, but I knew that one day I would want to look back on
the pictures and not want to miss a moment of it.

"I'm
just going to the bar, babe. Remember, we need to mingle," I said as I
leaned up, placing a kiss on his cheek. The photographer, of course, was there
to catch the only moment I thought we had to ourselves.  Charlie rolled his eyes
as he let go of my hand and walked off to find his brother, Chase.

Heading
up to the bar, my best friend, Libby, met me up there. "What'll it be?"
I heard her ask as if she was going to be the making the order. "Wanna do
a shot?" I replied, knowing that I was going to be ordering one with or
without her. "Same one as always?" Ah, she knew me so well. I just
nodded in response. "Bartender, can we get two shots of tequila? And make
hers a double." I smiled at her and she smiled back. Libby and I had been
best friends since freshman year of high school. When I first met her, I really
didn't care for her, but as time went on, she kind of grew on me and now we
were inseparable. We attended the same college and had become business partners
for a small interior design agency in downtown Charlotte. Business was good and
I never had issues with Libby. We knew each other's quirks and we respected
them.

"To
married life. Welcome to the team," Libby toasted as her glass clinked
with mine. Libby had been married now for about two years. She married her
college boyfriend, Bobby. They decided to marry right after graduation.  When
it came to Charlie and me, we wanted to wait until both of us were settled in
our careers. My business was doing great and on the up and up while Charlie was
head of the I.T. department where he worked, so we were both ready to be
settled into married life.

"Thank
you, glad you kept my seat warm." I poured the clear liquid down my throat
and closed my eyes, waiting for the heat to settle in. I held my glass up to
the bartender for another round. His eyes came to mine and he nodded his
acknowledgement while the lady he was taking an order from kept on as though
she never lost his attention. I turned around in my seat and looked out at the
dance floor. Charlie was dancing with his grandmother. Being eighty-eight, I
was thrilled she lived long enough to see her oldest grandchild get married. I
knew it brought her complete happiness. Charlie looked my way and winked. I
smiled. No words had to be said between us, we knew what each other meant. 
That was one of the many reasons why I loved him so much.

"What'cha
thinkin'?" Libby's voice invaded my thoughts and I turned to look at her.
How could I ever explain to her the level of happiness I was feeling right now?
"Nothing, just happy," was all that I could say. Libby looked at me
and smiled. She understood. "Double shot of tequila for the bride, extra
heavy shot for the matron of honor," the bartender said as he laid the
napkins down and placed the glasses on top of them. I looked back between Libby
and my husband a few times before I raised my glass for a toast.

"To
happiness, may it always be this good."

"I'll
toast to that, sister!"

Chapter 2

Five
Years Later

"I'm
home!"

Those
words still brought chills to my skin and made my heart skip a beat. I heard
the front door close then Charlie's keys hit the glass bowl that sat on the
entry's side table. I saw Sawyer's head peek up out of his crib as he began to
pull himself up to a standing position. I didn't usually stay in his room while
he napped, but I was sitting in the rocking chair looking over some ideas for a
job I was getting ready to place a quote on.

It
was quiet up here when he slept. The only sound was the whisper of my son's
breath filling his lungs and then leaving in a rhythm that brought me comfort.

It
was hard to believe where five years had brought us. After our wedding, we
bought a home and continued on as normal. Long nights at work and going out to
the same places started to become monotonous to the both of us. I had begun to
think of ways to break up the likeness that had become our life. Over dinner
one night, I brought up the subject on maybe beginning to think about starting
a family. I was ready to argue stating the pros and cons of the situation, but
it wasn't necessary.

Charlie's
response just proved another reason on why I loved him as much as I did.
Setting his silverware down, he took the napkin from his lap and stood. This
action caught me off guard. Walking over to me, he reached for my hand. Without
questioning him, I placed my hand in his and allowed him to lead me up the
stairs where he gently gave me his answer, over and over again.

We
continued trying for four more years. I began to worry, but explained it away
to the both of us still not being fully ready. Work was hectic. If I got a
minute to myself, I made sure that it included Charlie. His schedule was full
so that moment turned out to be more of a quickie then a baby making session,
which led me to believe we needed a break from practicing. Eventually,
this
plan ended up replacing our dull, predictable everyday routine.

Our
love was still strong but we had what we wanted: a life together and a love
that was just as strong today as it was the day we said
I do
. We had a
home that was filled with the characteristics of two loving, strong families
that had been brought together by us and jobs that we decided to make more of a
priority than the idea of having children.

It
ended up taking Charlie surprising me with a week's vacation for our
anniversary last year for me to relax enough to let it happen. And it did
happen. I got pregnant with our son, Sawyer. The sound of the crib's mattress
being jumped on brought me back to the reality that my son was excited to see
his daddy.

"Do
you hear daddy's voice?" I asked as I walked over to Sawyer. I reached
under his arms and lifted him out of the bed. He was eight months old and would
repeat "dada" over and over. I raised him over my head and he laughed
above me. "You wanna go say hi?" I giggled as I brought him down,
placing a gentle kiss against his dark head of hair. He had his daddy's eyes
and they glimmered just like Charlie's.

I
ran my fingers through Sawyer's soft, fine hair and heard his giggle. I couldn't
get enough of my little man. He filled me completely with the highest of highs
and the most love I could ever imagine. Clapping his hands together, I felt his
little body jump up and down in my arms as he anticipated his daddy coming
through that door like he did every day.

"Did
I hear my name?" Charlie asked as he set his briefcase down. Walking over
to us, he loosened his tie and pulled it over his head, throwing it to the
ground as though it was just a piece of unwanted material compared to what was
in front of him.

His
arms went straight out as he reached forward, making an airplane noise with his
mouth that grew louder the closer he came. He grabbed Sawyer up in his arms and
began spinning him around as if Sawyer was the airplane.

"Where
do you want to go today? England…Greece?" Charlie lowered his arms, taking
Sawyer close to the floor before raising him in his arms above his head. All
the while, Sawyer giggled like it was the best ride on the planet.

I
stood back and took in the view that was before me. The two men that possessed
every part of me were flying like airplanes all around me. Life couldn't get
any better than this. I had everything that I could ever want right here in
this small bedroom that I made into a nursery and, personally, if the world
would fall apart outside of here, I don't think I would really care.

Sometimes,
I thought about having another baby, but then I questioned it. There would be
no way that I could love anyone else as much as I loved the two of these people
standing in front of me.

"Why
hello, sweetie," I said as I sat back down in the rocking chair. The two
of them were having so much fun, I wasn't even sure he would hear me. "Hey,
babe." My favorite words came from Charlie's mouth. I looked at my watch,
it was four-thirty. "Do you think it would be a good idea if we started
talking about our options for dinner?" I asked in a playful manner, but I
could feel my stomach beginning to growl. "Dine out?" he asked as he
attached Sawyer to the side of him and started toward the dresser to get him
changed. He had already made the decision to eat out.

"Sounds
good to me," I replied, getting up, once again, to head to our room to
change my clothes.

*
* *

"Bobby
called me today. I guess I'm supposed to tell you that our anniversary party is
a go and the reservation has been made," Charlie said as he cut a piece of
steak and placed it in his mouth. I suddenly wondered why Libby didn't tell me
over the phone or when I had spoken with her today at the office when I went in
to grab the specs of the quote I was working on.

This
was our five year anniversary and I was really looking forward to celebrating
this year. Every other year, it was no big deal, but this was the big
five
.
I gave Sawyer another bite of mashed up carrots and potatoes as I forked a
couple lettuce leaves in my mouth. "I wonder why Libby didn't mention
anything to me today. I was with her for a while and we even discussed going
for mani's and pedi's the day of the party."

Spooning
another bite in Sawyer's direction, he turned his head. I handed him a cracker
and he took it without hesitation. "Well, from what I understand, it took
the restaurant some time to get back with her. It's not her fault, Hope. Cut
her some slack."

Charlie's
defensiveness caught me off guard. I didn't mean anything by what I had said
but now I was curious as to what was going on with him. I stared at him while
he forked another bite of steak and grabbed the mushroom on top of it. His eyes
met mine , his stare just as hard.

"What
do you know that I don't?" I asked, accusation in my voice. Charlie's eyes
never left mine as he continued to chew. My mind was going crazy with
questions. Were Bobby and Libby having issues? Why on earth wouldn't she say
something to me? I waited for Charlie to chew his steak, but I was growing
impatient and knew the look on my face revealed as much.  Finally, I watched as
he swallowed the bite of meat.

"Libby
lost the baby."

What
the hell! I didn't even know she was pregnant! Why didn't she tell me they were
trying to have a baby? What was going on?

With
everything going on in my life with Sawyer, Charlie, and work, I didn't know
whether to cry because of the giant brick wall Libby and I had let life
construct between us, or call her up and bitch her out for not coming to me
with such an important life changing issue that I knew would place an even
bigger wall between us. I hurt for her and, yet, here I was, just having been
slapped in the face hearing this information come from my husband instead of
from her.