Authors: Jennifer Blyth
Someone
grabbed my arm and held me back
as I started to walk away
.
“It’s n
ot safe for you to leave. You’
ll just
cause yourself
more trouble and grief if you
go
.”
I
turned to see that it was Jayce
.
I felt
confused by his gesture. Did this mean he
wanted me to stay? Did he forgive me?
I looked into his
deep brown eyes, expecting
they would answ
er my questions, e
xpecting
they’d tell me he
’d forgi
ve
n me and wanted me back
forever.
Instead
he
looked away. He couldn’t
stand to look me in the face
. A few days ago we’d meant everything to each other and now we couldn’t even c
arry on a simple conversation
and
look one another in the eye.
“I have to leave
,
Jayce. Don’t you unde
rstand? I can’t handle this any
more. It’s all too much
. How much guilt and pain do I have to suffer through in order to make you understand? I’m so
incredibly tired of hurting and
don’t want to cause any more pain.” I pulled my arm away from his reach.
“Shanntal,
don’t do this.
Please.
”
I couldn’t bring myself to listen to him. My mind was made up. Leaving was the best way to fix thi
ng
s. “I’m really sorry
. I never meant to hurt you or anyone else. I never meant for any of this.”
“Then stay and sort it
out. Make things right for everyone
. Make all our sacrifices worth
while.”
“Jayce, I don’t know
how
to
!
”
“Don’t quit
,
Shanntal, you can’t just walk away from this. What will you pr
ove by doing that? How will you
fix anything? This won’t go away by itself, you need to face it.”
“
Don
’t you get it? I never wanted…
I never a
sked for any of this. I’m sorry! W
hat more do you wan
t from me?” I screamed.
I couldn’t keep my voice down.
I waited
for him to say something else, but he didn’t. I looked away
and saw
everyone in the group had
now
turned towards me.
Their sile
nce was more than enough, the final straw
. I reached my breaking point; the t
ears and rage took over.
I couldn’t
hold
them
back any longer. L
et
ting out a blood-curdling scream, I
took off running down the beach. I was going to go far aw
ay. I’d leave them all behind. I had
n’t ask
ed
any of them to look after me and
couldn’t deal with this
growing guilt from all their sacrifices and losses.
I didn’t want anyone else
hurt because of me. Come what may, I’d deal with my fate, my destiny,
all
on my own.
I was half
way
down the beach tro
mping over the debris
and
heading
towards the parking stalls. I tripped over a log and slammed down hard on the gravel.
Cringing in pain,
I looked back
to see if anyone had noticed
. Sure enough
,
they were all watching. This fueled my anger. I picked myself back up and kept on running.
I didn’t have a car
,
but
decided
running o
n asphalt would be easier
than
on
sand. As soon as I hit the pavement I ran full tilt. My rage gave me unexpected speed and endurance.
About
a third of the way up the big hill I had no choice
but to slow down. I could barely breath
e
. I gasped for
air
and slo
wed my pace
to a mere walk. Walking
would be the only way
possible to
make it to the top of the hill and
n
ow
that
I was able to
thin
k rationally,
I was even angrier with myself.
When I made mistakes I tended to do them
big. Do it big or don’t bother
,
was what my father
always said. Stand up for what you belie
ve is right because e
verything
worthwhile is worth a good fight.
A good fight? Ha! Now th
at
was ironic. I
wasn’t fighting. I was, alone, running away, b
eing nothing but a coward. This wasn’t what
he’d
taught me. I
moved o
ff
to the side
when
I heard a car coming. A
black shiny
vehicle
pulle
d
alongside
me.
“Cooled off yet?” Jayce leaned ove
r the passenger seat
.
I felt sweaty and defeated. My tantrum
had
left
me pretty much exha
usted. I took a deep breath,
opened the car door and got in. I was goin
g to face this here and now. No more running away.
Jayce surprised me by not heading back towards the beach
.
Instead, h
e drove
in
the opposite
direction a
nd turned down a different road
. I trusted him enough to find out where we were going once we got there.
He pulled the
car over by a small boat ramp
sitting
in-between a bunch of
greenery
. I thought we were going to keep going
, but he managed to park
perfectly in the middle of two bushes.
I looked over
,
wondering what he was up to.
He
shut off the engine and we sat there, s
tuck in t
he car
surrounded by leaves and branches.
I felt so nervous
. I
couldn’t move or speak as
I waited patiently
,
wondering
what
was going to happen next
.
We sat for a long while,
neither of us saying
a word
. The
qu
iet
made
me
more
uncomfortable. I
picked at my fingernail
s, played with a strand of hair,
looked out the window.
Finally
,
I couldn’t
take
it
anymore. “Why did you bring me here
,
Jayce?” I
said, my tone low, hesitant.
He took a minute
before looking
at me. D
esperation was
written
across his face,
putting
a lump in my throat. I
fought the urge
. I wasn’t going to cry. I had no right.
“I’m not sur
e how to act around you anymore,” h
e said. “Things have become so different.”
I
didn’t say
a word.
He
looked out the window as he
fidgeted with the steering wheel for a minute. Then
,
he
let out a sigh.
“Jayce
…
”
“Why did you pick him over me?
”
he said, cutting me off.
“You don’t really think you love him
,
do you? H
e’s controlling you. Do
n’t you
see that?
You’re just a puppet. Nothing more.
”
This wasn’t going to get us anywhere. He was too hurt and apparentl
y I was still too mad. We’d just end up saying things we’d regret
if
we had
this conversation
now. I tried
opening
my door
to take some time to cool off
,
but c
ouldn’t because of how he parked. Bushes
sat
right outside my door
,
pinning
it cl
osed. There was no escape
.
“Perfect!” I huffed, sitting
back
in my seat
. I wasn’t going anywhe
re in the near future, so
t
his was going to come to blows here and now. At least
there
was one thing
about this
that
made it
feel right:
I was
about to
accept responsibility
for the pain I
’d
put him through
.
“Jayce, I’ve already said
I was sorry. I’ve tried to explain
why I did what I did
the best way I
poss
ibly could
.
I felt obligated because he sa
ved me. I made a wrong decision. I’m not perfect. I’m sorry
it hurt you, but you must know this
hurt me too. Do y
ou think I liked doing this?
Do you think I enjoyed
watching you
get
hurt?” I tri
ed to keep my voice calm
,
but there was a growing sharpness I couldn’t avoid.
He
looked away
, but not before
I saw
the look upon his face
. My comments
clearly hurt him
more
.
Frustrated, I said the first thing
that came
to mind.
“Honestly, how much is one person supposed to endure?
I think I’ve filled the
bad luck
quota for at least ten lives now.”
I rolled my eyes
and
turned my head away so I no longer faced him. I stared out at the
greenery filling up
the space around my window. I trac
ed my finger along some of the leaves.
We sat quietly for a few minutes. Then, he spoke softly.
“I loved you
,
Shanntal
, with all
my heart and soul.”
I looked
over at
him.
“I thought you were my other half, t
he
part that w
ould make me whole. G
uess I was mistaken
.”
His
head
sunk
down as he looked away.
“Jayce, wo
rds aren’t going to fix this
. We’
re both saying
things we don’t really mean
. You’re hurt because of me and I am hurt because of everything els
e. Connect to me. Look inside
.
See what I see, feel what I feel. Maybe i
t will
help
explain better than
words.” I wasn’t goi
ng to back down until he tried
. Connecting might be
our last chance to fix things.
I felt him connect, and I felt thankful.
He wa
s back inside my thoughts and
I felt him all around me. There was a sense of satisfaction knowing he felt everything I did. This would help him understand.
I thought back to everything tha
t had happened since we’d
parted ways. I ran through every single detail
,
no matter how big or small
,
just so
he knew
what I
’d
been
through while
I was away from him. I wanted him to know
that
he was never far from my thoughts.