Evanescence (Black Rose #1) (9 page)

Essence gulps and her eyes begin to gloss. I slow down the car and begin to pull over. I stop the car and put it in park keeping the car running. The rain continues to pour.

"I told her, 'No. You're going to get through this. You're strong. You're beautiful. You're going to fall in love and have a big family with a handsome husband.' She just looked at me and started shaking her head and I can see—I can see tears rolling down the sides of her face."

"Essence if you don't want to--"

"She said, 'no. I'm tired. I'm so tired. Keep the bracelet and promise me, promise me you will never forget about me.' I looked at her and said, 'Claire, you have to keep fighting' and she said, 'promise me, Essence.' And so I did and put her bracelet around my wrist."

Tears begin to flow from her eyes. I reach across and bring her to my chest and hold her.

"I found out later that day she had passed on," she sniffles. "Since then, my father and I have moved from place to place. Buffalo. Syracuse. Just us. My mother passed having me. The only kinds of memories I can create come from photo albums. It's always been just me and my dad."

"I had no idea, I mean I have always noticed you were to yourself and looked happy that way too. Never would have thought all of this happened."

"Yeah. Guess I'm just so used to losing people in my life it makes it difficult to make friends. No one could ever replace Claire. To this day, I have not taken off my bracelet.

We stare into each other eyes and warmth fills her face. I brush some of her red hair from her face and wander into her pupils. She breathes slowly and closes her eyes as I caress her face. She opens her eyes and looks at my lips. I look at hers and for a moment, I feel my heartbeat. I gulp and look at her pink lips then back into her eyes. I begin to slowly lean closer. She exhales and lowers her head.

"I'm sorry," she says. "It's not that I don't like you, it's just--"

"Too soon," I say nodding. "I understand."

She nods.

"Yeah."

"Hey," I lift her face by her chin. She looks into my eyes.

"No sad faces remember?" I say shaking my head with a smile.

She nods and exhales deeply.

"Right," she says in a whisper. "No sad faces."

We pull into my driveway and I park the car. I hop out and open Essence's door. I could never get use to the smile she gives. Never in a million years or any of my dreams would I have thought she'd look my way. Never would I have thought being around her would feel so natural, so beautiful, so – mind-numbing. Who would have thought someone so perfect could have gone through what she has? She's lost her mother, her best friend, and only has her father to care for her. I now understand why she she's been to herself: She's afraid of losing people... And I'm afraid of losing her – if I have her.

We walk along the side of my house, heading to the back where the trees of the Mohawk River Valley stand. The wood and grass is damp, the clouds are gray, and the smell of rain fills the air. The leaves from the trees above sway in the gentle breeze and green furs of moss cover the rocks around us. I look over at Essence and see her smile, her face gazing up. For that, I am proud of myself. Making her smile again.

"This is home?" she says as we walk along a trail.

"Yes. Just my mother and I."

"Must be nice. To live so close to nature."

"I couldn't be more thankful," I say. "When I wake up, it's one of the first things I see. This rainforest."

I step over a small creek and hold out my hand. She smiles and takes it.

"It speaks to me," I say as she steps over to join me.

"Howso?"

"Well, it's hard to explain."

"I'm listening," she says as we continue.

"When I see the rainforest from my window, or even walk along these trails, I feel so free. Free from anxieties, stress—spilling paint," She laughs.

"But it just, makes me feel like I need to be here. When I'm not happy, I come here and almost immediately, I'm happy again."

I stop walking.

"Makes me feel like I actually belong somewhere. I never feel alone out here."

She stops and stares at me. I look into the trees above and inhale the air.

"Out here,
this
is really home."

She smiles and joins my side and looks up as well. Around us, small drops of rain smack onto the leaves.

"Ready?" I say.

"Where are we going?"

"Up."

I approach my tree, then hold out my hand.

"You make it difficult to say no."

My heart stops, and probably literally.

"I do?"

She giggles, doesn't accept my hand, but instead, hugs me. I smile and wrap my arms around her. When she lets go, I cry inside, but knowing we will be spending time together, is enough to make me smile again.

"Okay, you'll have to tell me what I'm doing or I might fall."

"Don't worry. I said I'd protect you and get you home safe."

"You promised actually," she laughs.

"Right, I promised," I smile.

I help her up, each prong that's embedded into the tree, pointing as I guide her. When we get to the vast trunk, I grab hold of her hand.

"Careful," I say. "It might be a little damp from the rain."

"Well aren't you quite a risk taker."

I smile.

"Wouldn't you like to know."

"I would actually."

I rub my palms against the sides of my pants, and take a deep breath as I try to hold back my smile.

We get to the tree's torso where my umbrella is propped open above my duffle bag, which sits on a blanket.

"I'm letting go," I say, as much as I don't want to. "Will you be okay for second?"

She smiles.

"I'll be okay," she says. "I'm not going anywhere, Evan."

I nod and smile.
I sure hope not
.

I fix the umbrella and tap my hands along the blanket to feel for any wet spots. None.

"Sit with me?" I ask, as I take a seat against the tree.

Essence sits across from me, under the umbrella. She takes a deep breath, as she looks around the forest.

"Wow, I wish I had this in my backyard. Would never get old to me."

"I love it here," I say. "This is where I do all of my thinking, writing, contemplating."

Dreaming about you.

"I'm jealous."

"I have my good days and bad days up here."

"How could you possibly have a bad day after coming up here with all of this," she says, outstretching her hands and looking amongst the trees.

I shrug.

"Well, I haven't been feeling quite myself lately."

She crosses her legs.

"What do you mean?"

I think for a while, something I spend much of my time doing up here.

"I just—feel as though something's missing or, wrong."

A wrinkle forms between her eyebrows as she tilts her head.

"Why?"

"I don't know. It's like I live here, but I feel like I belong somewhere else."

"Like would you feel better in a different city?" she asks.

"Not exactly. I love Utica. These trees, the weather, the people. That pine and mint smell."

"I thought I was the only one," she says.

"It's great here. It's more so, as though I'm still figuring myself out. Like who I am and what makes me,
ME
. You know?"

"I understand," she responds. "Aren't we all asking ourselves the same questions? Who we are and where we belong? I think one of the biggest mysteries in life lies within ourselves. What makes us,
us?
Our family? Friends? Experiences?"

"Exactly," I agree. "But-- there's something else too. About me. Something's different."

"In a bad way?"

I think for a moment and nod.

"Yeah. In a bad way."

"Should I worry?"

I shake my head.

"Does your mom know you've been feeling this way?" she asks.

"I haven't said anything about it. She tends to worry a lot."

"And your dad?"

"I don't know him nor remember much about him. Left when I was a child. Wish I could say I knew what he looked like, but we don't have any photos of him at all."

"I'm sorry to hear that, Evan."

I shake my head.

"Don't be."

I wouldn't be who I am today, but who am I? My father's son? A little fish in the big sea?

"If you are unsure of who you are," she says. "Think about the things you enjoy doing. What makes you happy? Why do they make you happy? And why do you continue to do them?"

"I like to write," I say.

Essence nods and smiles.

"Keep going. I'm listening."

"I like riding my bike to school. I like to read. Draw. Paint."

"And have yet to fail at that."

I scrunch my face, trying to keep myself from blushing.
Fail
. She giggles. I didn't think I was that well of an artist, but if it makes a difference in someone's life, that's an achievement. I always believed there was nothing about me that would interest anyone, especially a girl like Essence.

"Thank you," I say. "I didn't think you--"

"Noticed?"

There I go blushing again. She chuckles. I'm starting to think she gets a bit of a kick out of that.

"Nope. Not the slightest."

"I've paid attention more than you'd believe, Evan."

I turn my face away.
Why is she doing this me.

"Your dreams," she says. I almost forgot she read them.

"Some of your dreams are beautiful and others, sad."

I flinch and play with my thumbs in my lap.

"Yeah. I have nightmares a lot. I don't understand most of them."

"The one about the little girl, Beebee, you dream about her often."

"Lately I've dreamed about her a lot."

"And what about the boy?"

"Him? Yes. I dream about him a lot too."

I like this. Having Essence here. Her company was needed, especially with Mike missing. I have someone I can talk to. Someone to help me cope. I'm still waiting for her to come out and say she isn't from here. Earth. I wish she'd just spill the beans already.
Gosh, if she only knew how I felt about her
, but I mustn't tell.

"I read it," she says.

My stomach twists into knots.
Dare I ask?

"Read what?"

"What you wrote about me."

My heart flatlines. I wish there was a shovel here so I can dig my grave. No tombstone needed. I press my back deep into the tree's bark.

"I know that's why you took the book as you did."

She looks up at me and I avert my eyes.

"I'm sorry, Evan. I don't mean to make you uncomfortable."

Did I push her away writing about her? No. That wouldn't make any sense. If I had pushed her away, she wouldn't be here with me. She could have said no, but she didn't. In fact, she insisted. She turns her face away and rubs her hand up and down her arm.
Change the subject, Evan. Change the subject.

"Essence."

"Yes?"

"When I was visiting Mike's grandmother the other day, I saw this building on the cliffs. I seen it before. I know I did. I'm just – curious about what's there."

"Shall we go sometime?"

"Yeah. I mean, my mother always makes deliveries by the cliffs. I'm just curious if that's where she goes. I would hate to ask her myself since I already egg her on about a van full of blood packets."

She smiles, uncrosses her legs, and sits next to me. She rests her head on my shoulder, and my heart jumps into my throat. Her scent is addictive and unreal, like the exotic white blossoms of a magnolia tree. She makes herself comfortable against me and closes her eyes. I put my arm around her, making my chest her pillow.

I then think about what Mike said. About Essence having mutual feelings for me. I want her to want me back. I would do anything. I mean, look at her. Her beautiful eyes. Pink lips. Rose red hair. Stunning face. Where are her flaws?
 

~

"I really had a great time, Evan," she says as we stand on her front porch.

"I did too," I smile.

"Can we go there again soon? Together? Just us?"

Together. Just us.
I love the sound of that.

"Anytime you'd like."

She hugs me and I wrap my arms around her.

"Thanks for saving me from the rain."

"I'd do it again."

She lets go and I wish she hadn't.

"Sleep well tonight. I'll see you in school."

"You too, Essence."

She gives me one last smile before stepping inside and closing the door. I walk back to the car and take a deep breath. She's left her scent with me. I reverse onto the street, shift the gear into drive, but keep my foot on the break. I look out the passenger window at her house, a curtain in the upstairs window opens, and there she is, smiling at me, as I smile at her.