I stayed away from the Germans today. I had to think. Wrote sad letters all day. My finger is black with ink and my hand is tired with writing things like
Dear Mum, I have to tell you that Jimmy and Freddie and Docker are dead
. And I am so angry about Manfred. I am shocked at myself. I am a pacifist. I do not believe in solving anything by violence. But one little morphine pill would remove this threat and I am so tempted to kill him. I could do it easily. There, I've written it down. I hate Oberleutnant Manfred Schmidt and I want him to die. I am so ashamed of myself.
Still ashamed and still tempted. Almost beyond bearing. I had to go into the prisoners' ward today and Manfred was there and whispered his threat again. Abdul heard him as well. Manfred wants civilian clothes and money and a passport. I told him to wait. Abdul said that Manfred can easily be killed and do I want him to do it? I fought down the desire to say yes. That would be involving Abdul in a mortal sin I am not willing to do myself and would be very wrong. Abdul doesn't see it like that. The man is a threat, he should be removed. Simple. And he
is
a threat. I spoke to Sister about traitors and she was very fierce about them. They should all be shot, she said. I cannot ask her for help. I do not know what to do. Can't sleep. I read Stevenson all night. He is a wonderful writer. When I finished the book I went back to
The Iliad
.
Sister Lucas says I look too exhausted to work today and told me to go out and have some fun. It is a dreary day and there is not a lot of fun to be had. I went with Curly to his cafe to watch him play cards with the old men. He's picked up a little Greek. I always buy him one ouzo and as much coffee as he wants. Curly is learning to do everything with his left hand. He can write, now, tie shoelaces, comb his hair, shave. I am very proud of him. Curly asked me what was wrong and I was tempted to tell him, because Curly hates Germans. The soldiers blame the Germans for the Turks getting involved in the Dardanelles. They think that without the Germans the Turks would not have fought them. I don't see this. We were invading Turkeyâsurely they might be a little cross about that? But I have never really understood politics. The fact remains that Australians sniped at the German officers every chance they got. Curly would kill Manfred without a second thought. That's why I can't tell him about it. I just said I was tired. He ruffled my hair and said, âYou're worn out, little mate, why not snug up on that sofa and have a kip?'
So I did as he suggested and slept without dreams for hours. He woke me when it was getting dark and said we had to get back to the hospital or Sister would go crook and put him on bread and water. We sneaked in and Sister didn't catch us. I feel better, for some reason.
Abdul came and got me from the hotel and said that there had been an attempted escape last night and the whole hospital was under guard. I hoped very hard it was Manfred. But when we got there it was just some Aussies who had broken out, gone to the nearest taverna, got terribly drunk and started a fight. They actually carried one of the shell-shock patients with them. They're in disgrace and no one is going out into Athens today. The shell-shock patient seems better, however. I couldn't see Manfred. There were sentries outside the ward.
A new transport arrived today and who should be there but Bluey! He caught a blast of shrapnel full in the face and is blind for the present, though the doctor says that he might regain sight in one of his eyes. I didn't recognise him but Curly did. We put him in the warm bath to soak off the bandages. His hands and feet are all right, though very cold. Curly sat down next to the bath and talked all the time. Just ordinary talk about the hospital and the nurses and the food and me and Father. Just plain speech but you could see Bluey losing that shocked cold edge. He knew me by my voice.
âI thought you copped it, young Evan,' he said. âIs your dad all right too?'
I told him that we were both well. I left Curly with him and went to talk French to the Somalis. Prisoners ward still out of bounds.
I saw Manfred again. I will either have to help him escape or kill him. There seems no other course. I am a wretched sinner. I want him dead. I can taste how much I want him dead. I saw Bluey again, too. He can distinguish light and dark so there is hope for his eyes. But his face is badly scarred. He asked Curly today how bad he looked and Curly said, âNot too bad, mate.' At least he can't ask for a mirror. Today I stole the morphine to kill Manfred. He loves orange juice. I can dissolve the morphine in it. I keep praying to God and he keeps on not answering me.
Manfred is in surgery today. He's got bits of shrapnel buried in his chest. If he dies in the operating room I will be preserved from a mortal sin. I am trying not to pray for this. Talked to Bluey about the Dardanelles. He says that the withdrawal is being prepared. The Australians are peopling the trenches with traps and mortars, and have invented a drip-feed rifle which fires when the water tin gets full. Very clever. They have been training the enemy by falling quite silent for three hours at a time, then, as the Turks begin to advance, leaping up and attacking them. That ought to buy the last troops some time. It will take the Turks a while to dare to venture into the forward trenches.
âWe're a bloody clever nation,' says Bluey. He just wants to get home to Fitzroy. Curly says he is going back to the country town where he was born and wants Bluey to come with him. Bluey says he can't expect a man to look after a cripple and Curly says that one knows another and they will look after each other. Bluey, he observes, has two good hands. He, Curly, has excellent eyes.
Bluey is still thinking about it. Curly got hold of an Australian newspaper and has been reading it aloud. The whole ward listens to the football news. About the war news they are not so keen.
Mail came in today. I got a card from Aunt Euphie. She hopes that we will be home soon. So do I, God knows.
Manfred spoke to Father. My German is not too good and I didn't catch the actual conversation. Father looked quite worried. I tried to talk to him. He would not tell me what the prisoner had said to him. He's quite sane now so I can't make him talk to me. Besides, anything might tip him over the edge into madness again. We spent the evening praying for peace. I don't think that anyone is listening.
I was ordered to Intelligence today and there, to my surprise, was Major Western. He looks terrible, as though he hasn't slept for years. He knew me too.
âEvan,' he said, âhow nice, sit down, have some tea, I hear you are an interpreter now?'
I said yes, and he told me he needs an interpreter to go around with him, even though he speaks all the languages better than me. He's picked me. All the time I was thinking, Major Western must know that Father is a traitor. Major Western could order Father killed. And me, too. But I like Major Western. He gave us lime juice and good advice. He organised that wash for me on Lemnos. I could tell him about Manfred. And get us all killed, of course. So I didn't tell him. I did tell him about the fat man who watches us, though. He said he would look into it. He still has that calm voice which makes everything seem to be all right.
In the incurables ward Father was glad to see him again. Major Western asked about the mission and Father told him it was still going on. Major Western is interviewing prisoners. I still have the morphine in my pocket. I can still remove Manfred. But I can't do it yet.
Spent all day talking to Turkish prisoners. I was sorry for them. They feel that they are fighting for their own homeland, that they have been invaded. But they do not hate us. Some of them are very fierce about the Germans. All of them revere Mustafa Kemal. They say he will make Turkey great again. And they loathe Thracians, Russians, Greeks, Serbians, French, Bulgars and Armenians. And all unbelievers. I didn't even recognise some of the swear words they used. I asked Major Western to explain but he declined. Even with the morphine in my pocket it was an interesting day. Major Western does not shout or hit anyone. He just talks about common thingsârecipes, food, music, folk talesâand they talk too, after a while.
Manfred has given me three days to arrange his escape. I thought about doing it. I could send him into Athens and rely on his being killed by someone or other. Athens is a very dangerous place for Germans. But that would just be murder by another means. It would not relieve me of sin. To think that I used to feel superior to soldiers, because I chose not to kill. I am so ashamed. I am not fit to live. Today Major Western was talking to the Greeks. His Greek is much better than mine. I still mix my genders because I had to learn to speak as a girl. It makes the prisoners laugh and call me Thespoinis. The Greeks cannot tell us much. There is a big fight outside Salonika but it seems very confused. Mostly they are indignant about the King sacking Eleftherios Venizelos, whom they revere as much as the Turks revere Mustafa Kemal. No chance of getting into the German tent today. Thank God.
Took Curly and Bluey to the taverna. Bluey can't see much but he can play his cards if Curly calls them for him in English. The old men do not speak English. The old men are very kind to them. They treat them as though they are perfectly normal. The kyria who owns the taverna dotes on them and gives them preserves and ouzo. I gave her a wodge of drachma and she blessed me. I do not deserve blessings. Tomorrow I must send a living man into the darkness by my hand. I do not know if I will survive this. I do not deserve to. But Father is all right now. Sister will look after him. And Major Western. He hasn't said a thing about Father being a traitor.
Finished
The Iliad
. I wonder what happened next? How did the city fall? I took my courage in both hands and went into the German ward. There was Manfred waiting for me. I mixed the morphine in the orange juice I had organised. I took it to him and said that I had arranged his escape. Then the most amazing thing happened. Major Western appeared, took the cup out of his hand, said, âI don't think that orange juice would agree with you, old chap, considering the price of oranges in Edirne.' I saw that he was Isaiah. Then everything went black.
I woke lying on a cot in Sister's office. Major Western was sitting next to me. He helped me to sit up and gave me a glass of brandy.
He said, âYou've come a long way, Evan,' and I said I was going to kill Manfred because of what he knew about Father. Major Western chuckled and again he sounded like Isaiah. âI've put in a report about your father,' he told me. âHe's no traitor. I had many a long conversation with him, as you recall.'
I asked him how he could possibly have been Isaiah.
He chuckled again. âAlways liked languages,' he said. âLike you do, my boy. Always had a knack for getting on with people. The Empire needed me, so I came. When it doesn't need me any more I'm back to Cambridge and a nice safe boring chair in Semitic languages. It's amazing what you can pick up if you look harmless. Like the troop numbers contained in the price of oranges in Edirne.'
âBut how could you be Isaiah?' I asked him. âDid you know who we were all along?' He said he did. âI tried to catch you before you left Turkey,' he told me. âBut you were too fast for me. Then I went with you as far as I could. I heard about SMARO hunting Abdul, so I offered a reward for you in Bulgaria and Thrace, but you managed to get away to the islands. You are very fast, young Evan, very clever, you'd make a good spy.' I told that I didn't need to be a spy, but that he had made me one. All those messages. He laughed. âWe got our names out of the Old Testament,' he told me. âIsaiah, Nehemiah, Ezekial. All of us belonging to Intelligence. Kipling called it the Great Game. Played with lives and blood and death and continual danger. Yet I liked being Isaiah. Wandering, selling my thread and my trinkets. It was a good life.'
I had been moved around by them like a pawn on a chessboard. I started to cry. He gave me his handkerchief. He told me that Father and I were booked on the troop ship sailing next week. I said that I would never get over almost killing Manfred. He said that I would and that was an order. I had had a useful lesson in humility and that was the end of it. I suppose he is right. No one else seems to know. Sister thinks I had a breakdown and has ordered me to drink Horlicks malted milk every evening. And as for Manfred, Major Western ordered him removed. I don't knowâand God forgive me, I don't careâwhat they have done with him. Luckily I like Horlicks malted milk. Even with goat's milk, which makes it taste strange.
Have started to pack up in order to leave. The government is paying for our fares so we have some money still and I went around giving it to people. I gave some to Abdul, who is not coming with us. This is a wrench. I will miss him. I never had a brother before. I am afraid for him. I feel like I am deserting him. Athens is so cold and bleak. He says he is going to Salonika, for some reason he will not tell me about. He gave me an address to write to in Istanbul. But I don't think I will ever see him again. I seem to be crying a lot these days. Perhaps it is relief. Father does not want to go, but Major Western is very persuasive. He says that Father needs to tell the people of Australia what is happening in the war. He says that is his next mission.
The transports formed up to go to Piraeus and I was delighted to find that Bluey and Curly are on the ship. Bluey still can't really see but he doesn't need to because Curly never leaves his side. Sister Lucas released them when someone tried to teach Bluey to weave baskets and he refused loudly saying that he wasn't a bloody spider. Sister decided that they might as well go home. She gave me several presents, including a wonderful goat's-hair coat and hat. I asked her what I should send her from Australia and she asked for a flask of eucalyptus oil. We are actually going. I don't believe it. Father gave Sirius to Sister Lucas because we can't take him home to Australia. He will cope. He is an accommodating little animal and Sister loves him.