Authors: Darcy Town
“Listen!”
Paimon searched for words.
“I…I want you to play with the kids if that is what you want to do.
I know I took away what youth you could have had.
I am not proud of it, but it happened.”
He ran his fingers through his hair.
“Look, in all of this I
never
meant for you to lose what made you, you.
But in my desire to make you strong and independent I’ve made you callous, cold, and distant.”
Furcas was rigid.
“Why are you saying this
now
?”
“I didn’t know how to before.”
“What’s changed?”
“Almost losing you.”
Paimon gulped.
“I remembered how it used to be between us, and it sank in, the difference.
How you treat me now versus the others.
You have your guard up around me, the one person you shouldn’t have to shield yourself around.
The only one I can blame for it is me.”
“Yes.”
Furcas nodded.
“You’re a fucking dick.
You break my stuff; you make fun of me in front of others.
You do it even when we’re alone!”
“Why haven’t you left me, Furcas?
You have every reason to.”
Furcas spoke softly, “I would never leave you.
No matter what you do.
There is no one else for me but you.”
Paimon’s chest hurt.
“But you can’t be open around me.”
“Of course not.”
Furcas looked him up and down.
“You
ridicule
me.
Even your compliments are backhanded.
Nothing you do is without its edge, your presents come with a price, your words always jabbing, pointing out my holes and imperfections.
You always assert yourself as smarter, better, cleverer than me.
Anything that I enjoy you’ve broken or gotten better at.
You tease me in front of the others.”
Furcas’ eyes filled with tears.
“All that I am is something you find attractive, something you can
fuck
.
Something that is pretty for
you
.
So why should I show you anything else of me!”
“That’s not true!”
“It is what you have told me over and over again!”
Paimon closed his eyes.
“I know, but you shouldn’t feel that way—”
“
Why
not
?
How would you feel if that is all you have
ever
heard?!”
Furcas’ voice cracked as he quoted him, “
Furcas, don’t worry, you don’t need to, you’re not as intelligent as I am.
Furcas, stop trying to make decisions, you look a fool!
Furcas, you’re just a kid!
Furcas, leave the thinking up to me!
All you need to do is look pretty
!”
Furcas made his hand into a fist.
“I am
not
a fool!
I can think for myself!
And when you left me, I survived just fine without you!”
Paimon sucked in air.
“I am sorry.
I never meant—”
“Shut up and listen to
me
for once!”
Furcas shoved him.
“I was young
once
.
I was stupid and innocent, but all that got me was pain!
You
never
liked me that way, always picking at me, constantly chastising as if I was your child.
Start acting like an adult, Furcas!
Stop playing, Furcas!
Why can’t you grow up, Furcas
!?
Before I changed, you treated me like I was fragile and weak.
So I grew, I learned, but it wasn’t enough for you!
Not
once
in all of our time together have you
ever
treated me as your equal!”
“I—” Paimon stuttered, “I—I never meant to give you the impression that you had to give up your youth to be a callous adult to fit in or impress me.
I adored you the way you were!
I do see you as my equal!
I did then too!”
“Then
why did you say all of those things
?
Why have you spent our entire time together making me feel like I had to be something else to make you happy?
Like I was never good enough for you!”
“Because I’m a bastard!”
Paimon pointed at his chest.
“I am an idiot!
And I was
scared
!
I saw
everything
innocent ruined.
Innocence led to Dahlia’s imprisonment, innocence led to Belial’s capture.
You were sweet and pure and young just like them, I didn’t want you taken and broken too!
I couldn’t bear the thought of it!
“I don’t know what I would have done if those things had happened to you.
I couldn’t think straight.
I couldn’t lose you.
I wanted to keep you, when everything was being taken.
But I’ve been losing you since the beginning.”
He looked at Furcas with tears in his eyes.
“I know I am the one that has wounded you.
I needed no one else to attack you, I have done it myself, done what I wanted to prevent.
I am the fool, Furcas, not you.”
Furcas gaped, too shocked to speak.
Paimon shook his head.
“Instead of enjoying my time with you I could only fear that it would end.
I’ve been building up towards your inevitable loss without realizing that I was wasting the time we did have.
I have worked to protect you, to make you stronger, more independent, but my methods lack—”
Furcas found his voice, “I
am
strong, Paimon.”
“I know.
You’re stronger than I am, you always have been.
You’re brave, you have faith, hope.”
Paimon paled.
“You can stand on your own.
You can make decisions.
You can walk away, but I can’t.”
He sank to his knees.
“I can’t, and I never could and it terrifies me.”
“You left me once.”
“I ran and hid like a
coward
!
I did not thrive, I did not laugh, and I did not pour myself into creative works as you did.
I was alone and I
hated
what I was!
I drugged myself into a stupor until I could not remember where the memories ended and the delusions began.
And I drank until I realized that without you I am less than nothing.”
Furcas stared.
“You want to know if you are good enough for me?”
Paimon looked up at him.
“You are leagues above me!
You…you are perfect!
I tease you because…because I’m fucking worthless, I’m jealous, I’m an idiot.”
He covered his face.
“
Dirt
is the only thing good enough for me.
Shit and waste is where I found myself.
It’s what I am and it is all I’ve ever deserved.”
He put his head against the cobblestone street.
“You are right to close yourself off.
I cannot fathom why you stay with a wretch like me, but day after day, there you are.
You should leave me, Furcas…but I am not whole if you are not with me.
I am a hollow man.
I need you, but I need the
real
you, not the façade you present to me.
I know I don’t deserve it, but I petition you regardless.
I cannot stand this separation anymore.
Let me back in to your heart, Furcas.
Please, I beseech you.
I love you.”
Furcas dropped to his knees.
He skin broke out in goose bumps.
Memories surfaced of a winged Paimon at his feet.
The guilt and regret the same then as now.
Furcas shuddered, remembering the pain he had allowed Paimon to inflict, the physical easily forgotten, but the mental and emotional attacks lingered.
Still, he clenched his fists, he wanted,
needed
, to be close just as Paimon did.
He had all but given up hope that it could happen.
But he was always one to cling to irrational hope…
Furcas bit his lip and inhaled.
He let the cynicism slide off his features.
He dropped his affected attitude and swagger.
He let the barrier slip, the emotional block that had kept him walled off from Paimon.
He sensed Paimon hurting for the first time in millennia, but besides the ache, he felt honesty and fear.
He could do nothing else, but respond.
Furcas reached out and touched Paimon’s hair lightly, then his cheek, cementing the bond between them.
His heart pounded, but he would not back down now.
His voice lost its put-on airs, sounding youthful once more, “Paimon?”
Paimon looked up and blinked.
He felt Furcas, his thoughts and feelings flowed through his touch.
“Furcas.”
Furcas smiled shyly.
He let his eyes show how he felt.
“Hi.”
Paimon took his hand.
“I’ve missed you.”
Furcas leapt into his arms.
Paimon hugged him.
“Fuck, I’ve missed you.”
They stayed locked in an embrace as time and the party passed around them.
Furcas rested his head on Paimon’s shoulder.
He looked up.
“I’m not the same as I was you know.
I can never be
that
innocent again.”
“We all change, but you’re still mostly the same.”
Furcas smiled.
“If I were the same then this would have had me passed out on the floor deliriously happy.”
“The old you would have passed out on the floor if I looked at you cross-eyed.”
Paimon smirked.
“I like it when you pass out on the floor, it has its advantages.”
Furcas blushed.
“Pervert.”
Paimon grinned.
“Yes, but one that likes to cuddle.
Though you tell anyone and I’ll—”
Furcas raised an eyebrow.
Paimon ate his words.
“I won’t do anything.
Tell the world, I don’t care.”
He looked to the streets.
“I love to cuddle!”
Furcas laughed into his neck.
“You don’t have to do that.”
“I want to.
You’re all of the best things about me and I want everyone to know.”
Furcas stood and pulled him back to the party.
They joined the dancers.
Paimon looked at his feet.
Furcas leaned in.
“How good are you at leading anyways?”
“Excellent.”
“You had better be.”
Furcas offered him his hand.
“I’m a bit disabled for dancing at the moment, but—”
“I don’t care, you’re perfect.”
Paimon beamed and swept Furcas off with the crowd.
At their table, Lucifer and Dahlia grinned.
She bit Lucifer’s chin.
“They are reverting.”
He nodded.
“I have noticed.”
Helion flew overhead with Whitney in his arms.
“Cake!
They are bringing out cake!
The frosted yummies are coming!”
***
Gabriel climbed across the transparent contraption that he’d worked on since humans had been developed and dispersed on the planet below.
No one understood the machine as he did.
He patted the surface of it.
Beneath him, it vibrated with pent up energy.
He had a few more final changes and then he would be done.
He reached for a tool that he’d designed.
He stared at the planet and watched the clouds swirl, a mesmerizing pattern.
He smelled dirt, plants.
He blinked and shook himself.
Gabriel shivered; he knew he had never been to the planet, but then how could he know how plants grew?
He saw a face and spasmed.
The tool slipped out of his grasp and dropped towards the planet below.
Gabriel dove for it.