Experiencing God at Home (23 page)

When Richard’s son Mike entered college, he loved a party! Mike is a social animal and is extremely loyal to his friends. There were two young men who had been close friends with him throughout high school. These boys came from great Christian families and attended church and youth meetings every week. But upon entering college, these teenagers became enamored with drinking alcohol. Having been told by their parents all their life that they should refrain from alcohol, they now became fixated on it. And, since they no longer lived at home, they could finally indulge themselves with abandon.

This created a crisis of belief for Mike. Mike enjoyed hanging out with these two friends. They were a lot of fun. But every time he was at their place, they would inevitably begin making a strong alcoholic drink and pull out a stash of cigarettes. They urged Mike to “just try it!” Mike didn’t want to appear like a prude, and he didn’t want to miss out on fun gatherings with his friends. But these encounters were providing a direct clash with everything Mike had been taught at home and at church. It was a crisis of belief. Did Mike stick with what he had been taught and risk losing his friends? Or, did he participate, in moderation, so he was accepted? Ultimately, Mike worked out his own ethical stance. He would not participate in activities he believed were wrong. But neither did he “blow the whistle” on his friends to their parents. Mike would visit his friends and hang out with them up until the moment the “contraband” was pulled out. Then everyone knew Mike would say his good-byes and head home. While this might not have been the best solution, it was how Mike coped with a major crisis of belief where he had to determine just how seriously he was going to take the faith he was taught as a child.

Trusting God for a Boyfriend/Girlfriend

In modern society, Hollywood idolizes romance and celebrity couples. Today’s teenagers feel enormous pressure to have a boyfriend or girlfriend. At high school dances (or at times,
church youth group dances
)
, teens can feel intense pressure to not look like a “loser” by not having a “significant other” on their arm. Many teenagers become obsessed with whether or not a popular teen notices them or asks them out. Of course, it’s natural for teenage boys and girls to be attracted to one another. But for some, it becomes a crisis when the desire for romance overrides their trust and loyalty to God.

Tragically, scores of Christian teenage girls have forfeited their modesty, and at times their virginity, in a desperate attempt to gain a boy’s affection. Many of these girls were taught as children to live in a God-honoring manner. Yet they demean themselves, discarding their ethical standards, out of fear they might never find someone who cares for them. There are Christian girls who shamelessly pursue boys in an effort to gain a boyfriend. Unwilling to wait for God to bring someone into their life who shares their values and who treats them respectfully, they cast aside many of the values and standards they were taught as children in order to feel that they are not a “loser” without a boyfriend.

This issue is extremely pertinent to us, as we each have a beautiful daughter for whom we want God’s best. We taught our daughters to trust God to meet all the needs of their life, such as providing them a husband one day. We taught them to respect themselves and to expect others to treat them with honor. We also instructed them to be godly and to dress and conduct themselves modestly. Yet the crisis of belief comes when your fourteen-year-old friends are dressing to attract boys’ attention, and they all have boyfriends. Or your eighteen-year-old friends are all in serious relationships and preparing for marriage while you do not yet have a steady boyfriend. That is when girls must ask: Do I
really
trust God that, if I live my life to honor Him, He will provide what I need for my life?

Trusting God with Your Life

The world tells us we must “take the bull by the horns” and grasp all we can out of life. Whether it is finding a spouse or a job or an education, we must aggressively take matters into our own hands. Unfortunately, the world will also be quick to tell us how unskilled we are or how unlikely we are to earn a scholarship. The world is continually working to diminish your children’s dreams.

That’s why our children will face a crisis of belief when God reveals His will for their life. It will have dimensions to it that are larger than they may have anticipated.

God’s Call (An Example from Richard)

When my son Daniel turned fifteen, I thought it a strategic time to check in with him to see what God was doing in his life. Sitting at a Chinese buffet, I asked, “So Daniel, do you have any sense what God might want you to do in the future?” He responded, “Not yet. But one thing I
do
know, and that is that I won’t be a pastor.” I asked him how he knew that. He replied, “Because I can’t preach like you or grandpa Henry.” I told Daniel that, for one thing, it wouldn’t be fair if he
could
preach like us, since my dad and I each had three more earned degrees than he did and decades more preaching experience. But I asked him why he thought that God would not ask him to do something he did not feel he was good at. That led to an interesting discussion!

The fact was that Daniel knew what he was good at and areas where he struggled. He had never enjoyed public speaking (he had managed to get through several grades while strategically avoiding “Show and Tell”). Daniel could not imagine a worse fate than being a public speaker. I felt like my role as his father was not to convince him he
should
be a minister. I simply wanted to encourage him to be open to whatever God had in mind. Daniel needed to understand that God might ask him to do something far beyond what he was comfortable (or even good at) doing. If Daniel would accept God’s will for his life, he would find, just as every other person throughout Scripture and church history had discovered, that with God
all things
are possible! Sure enough, once Daniel was prepared to submit to whatever God asked him to do, he
did
sense God was leading him into some form of Christian ministry. Since that time, he has gone to seminary and has spoken with his father and grandfather in various settings across the country and even internationally. And Daniel has discovered the joy of doing things in God’s power that he could never have done in his own strength.

Without Faith

Because it is impossible to please God unless we live our life with faith in Him (Heb. 11:6), God will regularly provide opportunities for us to trust Him. God has little need to ask us to do things we can do in our own strength and wisdom. That is what we naturally gravitate toward anyway. God invites us to join Him in activities that allow Him to demonstrate His power to a watching world. But that will stretch us! As parents, we must be ready to join God as He invites our children to join in His activity.

Navigating Crises of Belief

Parents face a dual role in the home. First they must help their children navigate the crises of belief they will inevitably face. Second, they must resolve their own crises of belief as they trust God for their family. Each involves its own unique challenges! The crisis of belief is a call to action, not reflection. James reminds us, “For just as the body without the spirit is dead, so also faith without works is dead” (James 2:26
hcsb
). Jesus does not ask us to merely
believe
in Him; He commands us to
follow
Him (Matt. 16:24).

Helping Our Children

As we have seen, our children will face moments of decision when they must choose what they believe about God. Whether it is choosing to hold on to their faith in college, or refusing to attend the drunken parties that all of the “cool” people are attending in high school, or trusting God to bring someone special into their life, your children must decide what they truly believe about God. Those are critical moments for you as a parent to be walking closely with them.

Career Choices (An Example from Richard)

I had always taught my children that God had a will for their lives, and they could trust Him for their future. When they were five years old, that belief was relatively easy to embrace. My daughter, Carrie, always knew that the correct answer in Sunday school was “Trust God!” But as she grew older, and her challenges became more complex, her faith was tested. College provided numerous challenges! But last spring, upon graduation, she faced a major crisis of belief.

Carrie was an English major in college. Not surprising, since her father was an author and her grandfather, uncles and aunts, and even her two older brothers had all been published. Nevertheless, college English majors always face the same question: “Are you going to get a degree in education now so you can get a job one day?” or, “Which Starbucks will you be working at?” The world is not kind to starry-eyed English majors with visions of writing best-selling novels or books of poetry swirling in their heads.

Carrie felt she should go on to earn a master’s degree. But in what? The head of her English department urged her to apply for an MFA degree in creative nonfiction writing. She did apply and was accepted. But then she panicked. The degree wasn’t cheap. Its focus was on honing your writing skills, but then, what was she going to write? And how was she going to earn a living? Visions of scribbling verses of poetry during her coffee breaks while working the midnight shift as a security guard gripped her with trepidation. “Dad, maybe I should get a master’s degree in education instead. After all, schools always need teachers. I’d have a better chance of getting a job that way,” she moaned. “But what is it God has given you a passion for?” I asked. “Teaching is a noble profession. But is it what God wired
you
to do?” I asked. I knew she had never been interested in teaching school, but she could not imagine how her life would work out if her only training was as a writer.

I recognized that Carrie was experiencing a crisis of belief. She knew in her heart what God was calling her to do, but it didn’t appear to make sense financially. Unable to see how her future would unfold, she was afraid to move forward. She began to search Online for education programs or even master’s degrees in English at other schools that might be better suited for teaching school. But by then she had already missed the application deadlines for that fall. It appeared she was stuck in an expensive program that led nowhere.

I had Carrie review her life thus far. God had gifted her in English. She had won her university’s top English award. She had graduated summa cum laud. The head of the English department had told us Carrie was one of the most naturally gifted students to come out of their program. And she was clearly an excellent writer. After all that God had put into her life, perhaps Carrie should trust Him to guide her step-by-step in the coming days.

Carrie did proceed with the MFA degree. Of course I was praying earnestly that Carrie would experience God’s active guidance in her life throughout. Interestingly, after Carrie committed herself to the program, she connected with a journalist who asked her to write some articles for publication in a newspaper. A former professional athlete contacted Carrie about helping him write his memoir. Because her MFA was a low-residency program, Carrie had the flexibility to enroll in a second master’s degree so she could also study Christian apologetics. And, most recently, Carrie signed a contract with a Christian publisher to write her first book. A large church has also indicated they’d like to make use of her writing skills to enhance their publications and communication with their members. It would seem that God has numerous ways He intends to use the writing abilities He placed in Carrie! And she hasn’t even finished her first semester of her master’s degree yet!

Unfortunately, many children face a crisis of belief, but their parents do not recognize it as such. Young adults become intimidated by what lies before them, and they downsize their dreams. They allow fear or doubts to guide them rather than the Holy Spirit. I knew that if Carrie didn’t proceed with her call to write, she would wonder the rest of her life if she had made a mistake. I felt she owed it to herself, and to her Creator, to explore the divine calling He had placed upon her life.

Parental Crises of Belief

A second type of crisis of belief parents must deal with is their own. We have both faced numerous and diverse challenges over the course of our lives, but few undertakings equal the degree of difficulty and complexity of what we have faced as parents. For many Christian parents, one of the greatest crises of faith they will experience is the question of whether God can work a miracle in their child’s life. We know numerous parents who could successfully lead a company or achieve success as a professional but who suffered continual failure in raising their child. We know many wonderful Christian couples whose child chose to rebel and reject the Christian faith and values that had been instilled into them for years. Parents grieved as they watched their precious child throwing away their future, their purity, and their health with reckless abandon. It seemed as if no amount of talks or curfews or incentives or threats would turn their child back to the Lord.

In times like these, we as parents face a crisis of belief. What do we believe about God? Do we trust that He hears our prayers? Are we confident He can turn our child’s heart back to Him and to us? When our child struggles to find his way educationally or in a career, do we have confidence God will guide him? If we are filled with worry and despair, we clearly do not! It may be that our own spiritual “Waterloo” may come, not through what God is doing in our own life but through what is happening with our child. At times it is easier to believe God for our own problems than it is to trust Him to work in the life of our child.

In one of the most beloved stories in Scripture, Jesus told of a man who had a prodigal son (Luke 15:11–32). Despite all that had been done for him, this young man was unhappy and wanted to get as far from his family as he could. In demanding his inheritance, the ungrateful child was telling his father that he wished his father were dead. Yet despite the youth’s insolence, the loving father generously granted the requested inheritance, even though it might well have placed his own financial security in jeopardy. The son wasted no time in turning his back on his family and foolishly squandering everything of value he had been given.