Authors: Michelle Betham
She sighed, probably a touch too heavily, throwing her head back. ‘You said I’d make a great mum, right?’
‘Yeah. So…’ His eyes widened. ‘You’re not, are you?’
Oh, how she wished she could just nod and tell him yes, she was. How she wished she could do that. But instead she just shook her head, and quickly told him everything that had happened over the past couple of days. Things she should probably have told him before, considering he was her very best friend, the closest person to her, bar her father. So maybe she shouldn’t have shut him out, but thanks to Debbie’s fast-tracking of the whole situation there hadn’t really been time to fill him in on all the details.
‘So, I’m just waiting to see what Dr. Lowry has to say,’ Amber said, fiddling with her watch strap, her eyes looking down at the desk. ‘Waiting to find out the truth.’
Ronnie said nothing for a few seconds. He was too stunned. ‘Jesus, Amber, sweetheart. Why didn’t you… why didn’t you talk to me?’
‘Come on, Ronnie. You’ve just got married. You’ve got Karen to think of now, you don’t need me and my problems.’
He walked over to her, tilting her chin up so their eyes met. ‘Hey, now, listen. You listen to me. I will
always
need you, we’re a team, you and me. You’re my best friend, Amber, and your problems, they’re my problems too, kiddo, so don’t ever shut me out again, do you hear me?’ He smiled at her, and she couldn’t help but smile back, even though she could feel those stupid tears starting to well up behind her eyes again. ‘So I take it you haven’t spoken to Jim about any of this?’
She shook her head. ‘He knows I want a baby, he just doesn’t know how much. Or how difficult it might be for it to happen at all. Oh God, Ronnie, I really should have talked to him, shouldn’t I?’
Ronnie sighed, pulling her against him for a hug. ‘I don’t know, babe. I really don’t know. I mean, he
is
your husband, and this does concern him…’
She pulled away from him, tucking a strand of hair behind her ear. ‘I’ve done everything back to bloody front again, haven’t I? What happened to the organised, controlled Amber I used to be?’
‘Hey, hang on, kiddo.’ Ronnie almost had to run to keep up with her as she made a fast exit out of the studio, heading towards the Green Room. ‘Hang on! Look, maybe it
is
best to wait and see exactly what it is you’re dealing with, but then you do need to talk to him.’
‘Yeah, I know that, Ronnie.’ She stopped walking and turned to face him. ‘I don’t even know if he really wants a baby. I don’t even know that.’
‘I thought you said he was fine about it?’
‘He could just be humouring me.’
‘And why would he do that? He loves you.’
‘Doesn’t mean to say he has to agree with everything I want, does it?’
‘You’re being slightly paranoid now.’
‘Am I?’
‘Yeah. You are. Why
wouldn’t
he want a baby?’
‘Because he’s almost fifty years old?’
‘And looks about fifteen years younger, the bastard… Look, you’re just throwing ridiculous excuses around now. I’m sure that whatever Jim’s told you, he means it. And these tests… if they…’ He stopped talking, looking down at the ground, pushing a hand through his hair.
‘You can say it, Ronnie. If I don’t get the answers I want to hear – is that what you were going to say?’
‘Amber, babe, just talk to him. And talk to
me
, okay? You know I’m always here. Just because some things have changed for both of us, it doesn’t mean to say our friendship has to. Does it?’
She shook her head. ‘No. No, it doesn’t.’ She looked up into his eyes, trying desperately not to let the tears that were threatening run free. Jesus, she was turning into some kind of hormonal wreck! ‘I’m scared, Ronnie. I’m scared because… because if these results come back and… and they’re not what I want to hear… I don’t know how I’m going to be able to handle that. I don’t know if I
can
handle that.’
Ronnie pulled her into his arms again, holding her tight, kissing the top of her head as he held her against him. ‘You can handle anything, Amber. But let’s just wait and see what happens, okay?’ He held her away from him slightly, smiling at her, gently stroking her cheek with the palm of his hand.
She nodded. ‘Okay.’ Her phone beeped again, and she pulled it out of her jeans pocket, looking at the message on the screen. ‘Jim’s here. I’d better go.’ She stood on tiptoe and kissed him quickly on the mouth. ‘Thanks, Ronnie. For being there. For putting up with me.’
‘That’s what I’m here for, kiddo.’ He winked at her, making her smile again. ‘I wouldn’t have it any other way.’
She mouthed
‘I love you’
at him, before she turned and ran off in the direction of the Green Room, trying desperately to get her head together before she saw Jim. She’d already made the decision not to tell him anything until she knew exactly what she was dealing with, and maybe that was the wrong decision, maybe she
should
talk to him about what was happening, but she couldn’t. She didn’t want to. She didn’t want to spend the night talking about ‘what ifs’, especially not the night before the first game of the new season. When she had something concrete to tell him, when she knew the facts, that’s when she’d talk to him. Because she might have no other choice.
Pushing open the Green Room door, she felt her stomach give that wonderful jolt it always gave the second she saw him, all handsome and tall, that smile of his making him look twice as sexy.
‘Hey, beautiful.’ He grinned, turning round as she walked into the room, that deep voice of his combined with that soft American accent making her stomach jolt again. ‘How’s the sexiest TV presenter this side of the Atlantic?’
‘She’s fine, thank you.’ Amber smiled, walking over to him and grabbing the collar of his dark shirt, pulling him towards her, kissing him quickly. ‘But she’s all the better for seeing her handsome husband. I have missed you so much, Jim.’
‘I’ve missed you, too, baby. Like you wouldn’t believe.’
She closed her eyes as his mouth lowered down onto hers again, kissing her longer and slower, their bodies almost melting together in the, thankfully, otherwise empty Green Room.
‘I need to get you home,’ he said quietly, his hand gently rubbing the small of her back. ‘Because I’m a little bit tired of playing by myself.’
She felt her stomach lurch again as his thumb ran lightly over her slightly parted lips, his eyes boring deep into hers. ‘I’ve been doing a bit of that, too,’ she whispered, conscious of his growing erection pressing into her, but she was unable to stop herself.
‘Did you think of me?’ He smiled, sliding a hand inside her shirt, and Amber couldn’t help but let out a sharp intake of breath as his thumb grazed her nipple, his hand cupping her breast as his mouth briefly touched hers again. ‘When you touched yourself. Did you think of me?’
‘Who else would I be thinking about?’ she breathed, closing her eyes as his lips brushed lightly over her collarbone.
‘It was thinking about you, touching yourself, that kept me going.’ His eyes met hers again, sending her stomach into overdrive. ‘Maybe we need to make some private movies, huh? So I don’t just have to imagine you doing those things – I can actually watch you.’
‘Jesus, Jim,’ Amber groaned, finally pushing him away, straightening her shirt. ‘We really have to get home. The last thing I need to be found doing is fucking the Premier League’s most successful manager in the Green Room at Cloud Sports half an hour after I’ve just done my first live TV stint for the channel.’
‘I love it when you talk dirty.’ He grinned, grabbing her round the waist again and pulling her against him for a longer, deeper kiss. A kiss that signalled, once and for all, their need to escape this place and retire somewhere a little more private.
‘Well, take me home then, handsome, and I’ll show you what
real
talking dirty sounds like.’
He arched an eyebrow. ‘Is that a promise?’
‘Oh yeah. That’s a promise.’
Ryan couldn’t sleep. He had a million and one things going round in his head and none of them were what he
should
be focusing his attention on. His mind should be on tomorrow’s game, and it was, to a point. His mind was certainly on football that was for sure. Amongst other things.
Hauling himself up off the bed, he walked over to the window, leaning forward, his hands placed on the windowsill as he stared out ahead of him. It was dark outside, the summer sun now long gone, but he could still hear the sound of people out and about, the sound of a normal Friday night, and what he wouldn’t give to be sitting in a bar somewhere, downing vodka shots and forgetting everything he didn’t want to think about right now. But he’d made himself think about it. He’d made sure the idea had stayed there in his head, because he needed to think it over. He had to be sure he wasn’t just making some snap decision that he might regret somewhere along the line.
He lowered his head, closing his eyes as memories of the past few months washed over him in a wave of unwelcome reminders. He couldn’t go down that road again, he had to be strong. But that was easier said than done when all he really wanted to do was escape.
Opening his eyes, he pulled his phone out of his back pocket and scrolled down his contact list, stopping at a number near the bottom. If he called that number he could very well be putting into motion wheels that he may not be able to stop from turning, and he had no idea what the consequences of that could be. He was taking a huge risk, so he had to be sure.
He hesitated for a second. Maybe he should wait until he’d spoken to Max. He was his agent, after all. Wouldn’t he be able to guide him in the right direction? Or would he just tell him he was being rash. Stupid. Would he tell him he was just running away again, like he had done in the past? Like he was capable of doing again.
Looking back up and out of the window, Ryan’s finger hovered over the touchscreen. One press, that’s all it would take to give him the space he really needed. One press…
‘You’re setting a dangerous precedent, aren’t you?’ Amber said, stretching out in their wonderfully luxurious bed in their small but comfortable north London home.
‘What’s that, honey?’ Jim shouted out from the en-suite.
‘You’re setting a dangerous precedent, not staying at the hotel with the rest of the squad the night before the match.’ Amber turned over onto her stomach, grabbing her phone from the bedside table and checking for any messages. There was just one, from Ronnie, asking if she was okay. ‘I mean, it’s
your
rule, and you’ve just broken it.’ She quickly tapped out a reply to Ronnie, pressed
send
,
then threw her phone onto the table, turning back over. ‘Big time.’
Jim closed the en-suite door behind him, smiling as he watched her lying there, naked and beautiful. She looked even more beautiful post-sex. Almost like making love gave her some kind of ethereal glow. ‘My rules to break, Amber. Anyway, Colin’s way more forceful than I am at making sure that lot stay put.’
‘Oh yeah? Have I turned you into some kind of soft touch?’ Amber smirked as Jim slid back into bed beside her.
‘Me? A soft touch? I doubt that very much.’ He placed a hand on her hip, turning her onto her side so she faced him. ‘I can be a real monster when I want to be.’ He lunged forward, playfully biting her neck, causing her to giggle out loud, suddenly forgetting all the tension and the worry she’d been feeling previously. Oh God, she loved this man so much. So, so much. ‘Hey, listen.’ Jim smiled, pulling her against him, running his hand lightly over the curve of her waist, resting it on her hip. ‘I’ve been thinking. Why don’t we move?’
‘Move?’ she asked, frowning slightly. ‘Move where? Away from Tynemouth? I thought you loved that house?’
‘I do. I do, it’s a great house. But, if we’re gonna start a family…’
Amber felt her stomach lurch as he spoke, and everything she’d been trying so hard to forget, even if it was just for a few hours, suddenly invaded her head all over again.
‘… I think we need a bigger place, don’t you?’
‘I… Jim, I…’
‘I don’t want to leave Tynemouth, Amber. I really like it there, I love being by the sea. And if we
do
have kids then what better place to bring them up, huh? By the sea, with the beach on our doorstep? I just think that, well, it would be nice to buy a place together. A place that’s ours, something we chose as a couple. What do you say?’
She wanted to say a lot of things. She wanted to tell him how she wished everything was going to be as simple as he was now making it sound, when it was going to be anything but that. And part of her wished she hadn’t brought the subject of babies up at all, not until she knew what she was dealing with. But she’d let herself get carried away with thoughts of her dream life with Jim, making her forget, for a brief amount of time, that none of it was going to be plain sailing.
She smiled, hoping it was a smile that had reached her eyes, because the last thing she wanted was for him to think she was hiding something. Even if she was.
‘We don’t need to rush into anything, do we?’
He frowned slightly, stroking her cheek with his thumb. ‘You don’t like the idea?’
‘I didn’t say that, Jim, I just… Do we have to make a decision right now?’ She knew just how to take his mind off moving house, how to steer the conversation away from anything that allowed her to think about something that only made her feel on edge. ‘I mean, while we’re here, together, shouldn’t we be making the most of our time
doing
things, rather than talking? Before we’re separated again?’
He returned her smile, and Amber felt her heart literally melt. He’d turned her into some kind of simpering, lovesick idiot at times, but he was all she’d ever wanted. Despite their shaky start, all those years of missing him, hating him, trying to keep him at bay, all she’d ever really wanted was to have him – totally. To be with him forever. Despite everything.
‘What you got in mind then, beautiful? You wanna show me some of your diversion tactics?’