Authors: Michelle Betham
He looked at her, not missing the slightly defensive stance she was giving off, her arms folded tight across her chest. ‘Is something wrong, Amber? I mean, what am I supposed to think when this morning you walk into my office and demand sex like we’re in some kind of cheap porn movie…’
‘Is that what you really think of me, Jim? Is that really how this morning felt to you?’
‘No, I didn’t… Amber, listen…’
She laughed, her eyes staring straight at him. ‘Seriously?’
‘No… Look, sweetheart, what am I supposed to think, huh? One minute you’re devastated because you can’t have kids and the next you’re opening your legs and acting like that shit never happened.’
‘That
shit
? Jesus…’
‘And this Ice Magazine shoot… What the fuck is
that
all about? You didn’t want to do it, I heard you talking to Max. You were adamant. What the hell changed your mind?’
‘Do you care?’
‘I’m a respected man, Amber. Do you honestly think I want to see my wife on the front of some men’s magazine with her tits out? Do you think I want everyone looking at you like that? Act like you care, Amber. Act like you want all this crap to get sorted, because I don’t think you
do
care right now, honey. Act like you give a shit about everything we have and then maybe, just maybe, we can start to work out where we go from here.’
She said nothing, letting his words sink in for a few seconds. ‘Act like I care…’ she repeated, speaking the words slowly, her eyes still on his. ‘You… you think I don’t care? Is that it?’
‘It’s how it seems to me, Amber. Because you haven’t been here. Do you have any idea how selfish that was? Just upping and leave me like that? That news fucked with
my
head, too, you know. It fucked with my head, too.’
She continued to stare at him, feeling the mess that had already started to evolve unravel even further, gathering speed as it went. ‘I think
you
need to realise that your secrets helped a situation already teetering on the edge move closer to freefall. Did you ever think about that, Jim?’
‘For Christ’s sake… I sat and watched you interview him, Amber. My son. You sat there on live TV and you interviewed him, so why are you standing there telling me you still can’t get your head around his existence?’
‘Oh, my head is fine with the fact he exists, Jim. I don’t have a problem with the fact he’s here. I spent a bit of time with him after that interview and he’s a good kid. No, he’s a
great
kid. What I have the problem with is that
you
saw fit to hide his existence
from
me – from everyone.
That’s
where my problem lies. And then, just a day later, to find out that not only will I never be the first woman to have your child, but that child will never actually exist.
Our
child will never exist. Now, hearing that news alone would have been bad enough, but to hear it just one day after finding out my husband already
has
a son was something my head is still trying to get around, so don’t you dare stand there and tell me I don’t care. Don’t you fucking dare.’
‘Amber…’
‘No, Jim. I’ve had enough for one night.’
‘We need to talk…’
‘And like I predicted this morning, talking has only ended up in us fighting. And I’m too tired to fight.’
‘Is this the way it’s gonna be from now on? Everything on
your
terms? We talk about it only when
you
feel like it? You don’t think
I
might want to talk about it now? You’re being incredibly selfish again, Amber…’
‘Selfish?’ She let out another cynical laugh, turning away from him to grab an overnight bag from the bottom of the wardrobe. ‘Well, I guess that makes us two of a kind, then, doesn’t it?’
‘Jesus, Amber, come on. This is stupid. Where the hell are you gonna go at this time of night?’
‘Does it matter?’
‘Of course it fucking matters. Will you stop acting like a child and just calm down?’
She swung round to face him, throwing her robe off and pulling on jeans and a shirt, running her fingers through her hair. ‘This is not going to get any better if I stay here tonight, Jim. And you know that.’
‘I don’t want you to go, Amber. Walking away again isn’t going to solve anything, this is ridiculous.’
She sat down on the bed, dropping her head into her hands as tiredness swept through her, taking over her whole body so fast it was as if someone had just waved a magic wand and cast some sort of spell over her. All she wanted to do now was close her eyes and let sleep take over.
‘Amber?’
She opened her eyes to see him crouched down in front of her, watching as his fingers slid between hers, and she didn’t pull away. She didn’t think she had the strength left to even try.
‘We
will
work this out, baby.’
All she could do was nod. She was too tired, too emotional to even think about speaking. All she wanted to do was sleep, and tomorrow she’d let Ronnie take away all the pain. Tomorrow. A day that couldn’t come quick enough.
‘What the hell is the matter with you?’
Jim looked up as Max stormed into his office at Tynebridge. Sitting back in his chair, he folded his arms, smiling slightly, not in the least bit taken aback by Max’s unannounced and rather loud entrance. ‘Something I can help you with, Max?’
‘You’ve been talking to CD Adeje, is that right?’
Jim sat even further back in his chair, swinging his feet up onto the desk. ‘I may have spoken to their Director of Football in a brief conversation, yes.’
‘About Ryan?’
‘He’s a very determined young man, Max, I’ll give him that.’
‘And you’re actually thinking about letting him go? Seriously?’
‘I’m thinking about loaning him out. He isn’t going anywhere on a permanent basis, and he knows that.’
‘You’re letting personal feelings get in the way of your professional life, Jim. And that’s a dangerous thing to be doing.’
Jim sat up straight, staring at Max. ‘If I don’t hear him out, Max, he is going to go above my head, and what then, huh?’
‘He gets knocked back. Jesus Christ, Jim, come on! You’re better than this. You’re really going to do what he wants? You’re going to let him get away with that?’
‘I’m not letting him get away with anything. I’m simply sorting out a situation that will only get worse if I don’t listen to him. He wants to do this and…’
‘You’re letting personal feelings get in the way, Jim.’
Jim just stared at Max, saying nothing.
‘And you really think you can get the board of directors here to agree to loaning Ryan out?’ Max already knew the answer to that. Jim Allen could do anything he set his mind to, if he wanted it badly enough.
‘A lot of players would give their eye teeth to have a spell playing in the Spanish league. It’s one of the best football leagues in the world, so think of it as an unexpected chance for him to showcase his talents. After all, who knows what the future might hold for him.’
‘I don’t believe you…’
Jim stood up, walking round the front of his desk. ‘Look, Max, all I know is that he wants to go, for whatever reason. And I’m not entirely sure it’s all to do with my wife. I think he’s unsettled, that’s all. After everything he went through last season I suspect he just needs some time to get his head around everything. And being here, in the North East, it isn’t helping him do that.’
‘You sound almost sympathetic towards him.’
‘He’s an incredible footballer. And I’d hate to see that talent go to waste.’
‘And that’s your real motive for wanting him out of the picture for a while, is it?’
Jim narrowed his eyes as he looked at Max. ‘I don’t want him
“out of the picture”
, as you put it. As manager of this club I don’t want him to go anywhere. Why would I want that?’
‘Because of Amber.’
Jim said nothing, just fixed Max with a look before walking back behind his desk.
‘He’s trying to sort himself out, Max, that’s obvious. But he’s still a loose cannon, although I’m sure I don’t have to tell
you
that. I don’t want him going off the rails again.’
‘You think there’s a risk of that?’
‘I don’t know,’ Jim replied, looking straight at Max. ‘Do
you
?’
Max sat down on the arm of the sofa. ‘I thought he was getting back on track, I really did. But he’s obviously decided he doesn’t want to share these latest plans of his with me.’
‘Because he knows you’re against it.’
‘With good reason. This is completely out of character for him.’
‘You think so?’ Jim asked, raising an eyebrow. ‘I’d say it was typical Ryan Fisher. Acting without really thinking things through.’
Max looked at Jim as he sat back down. ‘I know you, Jim. I know what you’re capable of, and I know the contacts you have. I just didn’t think you’d ever use them to the detriment of your own club.’
Once again, Jim said nothing, turning his attention back to whatever was on his laptop screen.
‘Jesus, Jim… You’re playing a very dangerous game here.’
‘I’m playing by the rules, Max.’
‘You sure about that? Because, unless something’s changed that I haven’t been made aware of, emergency loans don’t apply to Premiership teams.’
‘There are always exceptions to every rule, Max. Anyway…’ Jim got up and walked out in front of his desk again, leaning back against it, folding his arms, ‘… as you know, CD Adeje aren’t in La Liga’s First Division – if they were, then yes, things would be slightly more complicated than they are now.’
‘So he’s quite willing to step down a level, just to feed this stupid need he
thinks
he has to… Jesus, Jim, I can’t believe I’m hearing this crap.’
‘The kid’s confused, that’s all. He’s had way too much far too young and he can’t handle it anymore. When he couldn’t have Amber it was like a sudden realisation that all his money, all the fame and the attitude, it really
couldn’t
get him everything he wanted, and I think he just needs more time to deal with that.’
‘And you really think leaving Newcastle Red Star for a few months will help him?’
Jim shrugged. ‘Who knows?’
‘But if this is all because he still has feelings for Amber…’
‘He
thinks
he does. I told you, Max. I’m not entirely sure everything he’s feeling is to do with Amber. She’s just the obvious excuse.’
‘Jim, I’m confused. I don’t…’
‘I’ve got more important things to think about than Ryan Fisher’s feelings, Max. If he wants to be loaned out, I’ll let him go. I’m not going to waste time fighting him.’
‘And that really is the end of the matter now, is it?’
Jim walked back behind his desk, sitting down and slipping his reading glasses on, resuming whatever it was he’d been doing before Max had walked in, dismissing the conversation within seconds. ‘That’s really the end of the matter.’
‘So when is this shoot for Ice Magazine happening?’ Debbie asked, crossing her long, spray-tanned legs as they settled themselves at a table in a central Newcastle coffee bar.
‘Soon,’ Amber replied, checking her watch.
‘You got to be somewhere, chick?’
Amber looked at her friend, smiling slightly. ‘No. Not really.’
‘Not really?’ Debbie questioned, raising an eyebrow. ‘My company not good enough anymore?’
‘I’m sorry, Debs.’
‘What for? What have you done?’ Debbie grinned, and even though it was a perfectly innocent question, with no hidden meaning at all, Amber felt a huge rush of guilt hit her. What
had
she done? She’d been having an affair with her best friend, that’s what she’d been doing. An affair that she knew should end, but she just couldn’t do it because those hours she spent with Ronnie were the only time she didn’t think about those things she couldn’t have, and the pain that still caused. All she’d wanted was the perfect marriage – or as perfect as it could be – yet she was doing everything in her power to prevent that marriage from moving forward. She and Jim were stuck in a world of things unsaid, pretending everything was healing itself and that she was slowly getting over it all, but she wasn’t. Not really. Or else, why would she be running to Ronnie?
‘I wanted to be able to deal with this, Debbie. I really wanted to be able to deal with this.’
Debbie leaned forward, reaching out to take Amber’s hand, and all Amber could do was focus on her friend’s perfectly manicured pink nails in an attempt to stop yet more tears from falling. ‘I’m sure there are things you could do, babe. What about IVF? Have you looked into that? I’m sure…’
Amber shook her head. ‘No, Debbie. No. We’ve already talked about that, but I can’t do it. I can’t… I don’t want to put us through all of that when there’s still no guarantee that anything will happen. All that stress, all that time and money and…’
‘Yeah, but money’s not a problem, is it? You could go private, get things moving almost immediately. Amber, chick, if you really want a baby so badly surely it couldn’t hurt to just think about it?’
‘It’s not happening, Debbie. Besides, me and Jim are fragile enough right now without putting any more pressure on an already fractured marriage.’
‘Are things really that bad?’
Amber let go of Debbie’s hand, sitting back in her seat as she looked out of the window. All around her, life went on, the busy Newcastle streets full of people going about their business, and somewhere out there, there were women just like her, other women who couldn’t have the one thing they so badly wanted. Did they feel like she felt right now? Empty inside?
‘I hate the way I feel,’ she said quietly, still looking out of the window, watching as a couple of young mums walked past pushing their babies in the autumn sunshine. A simple act, but one Amber would probably never experience and that thought brought with it a rush of sadness that almost overwhelmed her, so much so that she had to swallow hard before speaking again just to stop herself from crying. ‘It scares me, Debbie, because I didn’t want this. This is alien and strange and it isn’t me. Or, it wasn’t me. Just a few months ago this wasn’t me. I was somebody else, a completely different person, and it wasn’t until Jim…’ She stopped talking, taking a second to compose herself as she looked down at her wedding ring. ‘He changed everything. When he walked back into my life, he changed everything. And I just don’t know if I want to be that person I became when… I don’t know anymore.’