Extra Time (27 page)

‘You have no idea how I’m feeling. No fucking idea.’

Jim leaned forward, resting his hands palm-down on his desk, his eyes still staring straight into Ryan’s. He wasn’t in the mood for this, not this week. He really wasn’t in the mood. ‘This conversation is over, Fisher. Get out of here, go on. And if I get just one whiff of your behaviour changing as a result of this meeting, there
will
be consequences. So don’t think that refusing to play will get you what you want, do you hear me? I’m well aware of that tactic. I’ve been faced with players trying that one before and it doesn’t work with me.’

‘You can’t just refuse me. You have to listen…’

‘Oh, I think you’ll find I can
just
refuse you. You’ve been in this game long enough to know the rules.’ Jim sat back down, his body language telling Ryan, in no uncertain terms, that he was done.

‘Jesus…’ Ryan sighed, before reluctantly walking out. What the hell was he supposed to do now?

‘You all right, mate?’ Gary asked, almost bumping into Ryan as he left Jim’s office.

‘What are
you
doing up here?’ It wasn’t all that often that players ventured into the administration block, not unless they were seeing the manager or had some paperwork to sort out.

‘Just needed to check something over on my new contract. You been in to see the boss?’

Ryan leaned back against the wall, throwing his head back and letting out another heavy sigh. Had he just made the biggest mistake of his life by letting Jim Allen know how he was really feeling? But what other choice did he have? Jim was his manager. Who else was he supposed to go to? ‘I’ve asked if I can be loaned out to another club for a few months. Maybe for the rest of the season.’

Gary said nothing for a second, letting Ryan’s words sink in. ‘You’ve
what
? Why? What the fuck’s happened?’

Ryan dropped his head in his hands, his fingers pressing into his forehead in an attempt to ease the tension that was slowly building up. ‘What do you think, Gary?’

‘I don’t know… I mean… Oh, hang on. This isn’t about Amber, is it? Jesus, Ryan, come on! I thought you were over her, mate. I thought you were past all that. What about Ellen?’

‘What about her?’

‘I thought things were good between you two?’

‘They are,’ he sighed, throwing his head back again. He suddenly felt as if he could just close his eyes and sleep for a week. That’d teach him to stay out late the night before an early morning training session. He’d thought he could handle it, but it didn’t feel that way right now. ‘Things are great. She’s an incredible woman, it’s just…’ He looked at Gary. ‘I can’t get past it, Gaz. I can’t get past
her
. Amber. Every time I see her I see that life we could have had, if I hadn’t pissed it up the fucking wall. I remember how weak I was, how I just couldn’t give her what she needed and I regret that so much. So fucking much. Because I still love her, I can’t help it. And I can’t cope, being here, knowing she’s so close and I can’t do anything about it. I blew it, and I still can’t believe I did that.’

Gary reached out to gently touch his friend’s arm. ‘Hey, I know this has been hard for you, Ryan, but can’t you see what you’re doing? If you don’t pull yourself together you’re gonna let history repeat itself, and you really don’t want to go down that road again, mate.’

‘Right now, it’s the only place I want to be,’ Ryan said quietly, wishing he could just go home and sleep, because he hadn’t managed to do much of that last night.

‘You don’t mean that. Come on. You went through so much and came out the other side a much stronger person – do you really want to throw all of that away because you’re still fixated with some woman?’

‘Amber isn’t
some woman
, Gary. She was the one, I know she was.’

‘You’re sounding like some lovesick teenager now. Come on, get changed and get outside. Colin’s got us playing practice matches this morning, so that’ll blow the cobwebs away.’

Ryan just looked at Gary. ‘You reckon?’

‘It
will
get easier, Ryan. I’m sure it will.’

Ryan wished he could share in his friend’s optimism, but he was still adamant that the only way he was going to be able to get any kind of handle on this situation was to move well away from it. Just for a while. And Jim was right, Newcastle Red Star
had
been good to him; they’d given him a second chance when other clubs may not have been quite so forgiving. So he did owe them. But he also owed himself a chance to do what he felt was right. Jim may think the conversation was over, that the matter was dealt with, but he was wrong. Ryan was nowhere near giving up. On anything.

Jim moved away from the door, having heard every word of Ryan and Gary’s conversation. They really should be more careful where they had their little chats, and outside the manager’s office wasn’t the wisest of places, especially when that chat involved his wife.

Sitting down on the edge of his desk, he picked up the phone and punched in a number, looking at a picture of him and Amber that took pride of place on his desk as he waited for the person on the other end of the line to pick up and answer. Which they did, after half a dozen rings. ‘Max, hello, it’s Jim. Jim Allen.’

‘Jim! How are things? You spoken to Amber lately? Any news on her thoughts regarding the Ice Magazine shoot?’

‘You’ll have to speak to her about that one yourself, Max. I’m calling about Ryan.’

‘Ryan?’ Max’s tone of voice changed immediately. ‘What’s up?’

‘He’s just been in to see me, at the training ground, looking like he spent most of last night out partying.’

‘Oh, Jesus…’ Max sighed. ‘What’s he done now?’

Jim paused for a second before answering. ‘He’s put in a loan request. Ryan Fisher wants to leave Newcastle Red Star.’

‘We need to talk,’ Ronnie said, catching Amber as she made her way to the Cloud Sports News studio. ‘What happened last night… ?’

‘Ronnie, I’m sorry.’ She stopped walking and leaned back against the wall, clutching the pile of newspapers she was holding tight against her chest. ‘I don’t know what came over me, or why I acted that way. It was selfish, and it was wrong. My head’s just…’ She turned away from him for a second, exhaling loudly. ‘No. That’s no excuse, there
is
no excuse for what I did.’

‘I think you’ll find I played a part in it, too, kiddo.’

She looked at him. ‘What did we do, Ronnie?’

He leaned against the wall beside her. ‘I don’t know. And that’s the truth. I don’t know.’

‘I’m sorry… for leaving early this morning but I… I didn’t know what to say to you, what to do. You’re my best friend, Ronnie, and what happened last night really shouldn’t have happened.’

He turned sideways so he was facing her, resting his shoulder on the wall, his hands in his pockets. ‘We’re both to blame. We’re both going through… well, let’s just say relationships aren’t exactly our strong point right now, are they?’

‘That’s still no excuse. Look, I’m late, I’ve got to go.’

‘Hang on, Amber!’ He reached out to grab her arm, stopping her from walking away. ‘We need to talk.’

‘About what? If I hurt you, I’m sorry…’

‘Jesus, you haven’t hurt me, how could you hurt me? I just want to know you’re okay, that’s all.’

She looked right into his eyes, trying hard to at least make some sense of what was going on inside her head, but that was hard with the overwhelming barrage of emotions that were fighting against each other in there. ‘I really need to see Jim and yet, at the same time, I don’t know if I can face him. I don’t even know if I want to. I just can’t… I can’t think straight, Ronnie. And last night was probably just some kind of knee-jerk reaction that I really should have controlled because… because it didn’t help matters.’

Neither of them said anything for what felt like minutes but it was really only a second or two. ‘It was a mistake.’ Ronnie’s voice was quiet, an almost resigned tone to it. ‘Let’s try and forget it happened, okay?’

She nodded, finally allowing herself a smile as she stood on tiptoe and quickly kissed his cheek. ‘Thanks, Ronnie. The last thing I need is to lose you as my friend.’

‘That’s never gonna happen.’ He smiled back. ‘Go on. I’ll see you later.’

She threw him one more smile and walked away, still clutching the newspapers to her chest. Had last night really been a mistake? It wasn’t like she’d been drunk or anything, she’d been fully aware of everything she’d done. And there’d been plenty of chances for her to walk away, to leave it alone before it had got as far as it had.

They’d slept together, but there’d been no sex. All they’d done was hold each other. But that didn’t make it okay, it didn’t make her feel any less guilty, because it was a situation she should have controlled. She’d handled everything like a child rather than the grown-up she was supposed to be, but, for some reason, nothing felt right anymore. Nothing.

Her phone ringing knocked her back to reality and she stopped walking to answer it, leaning back beside the huge double doors that led into the Cloud Sports News studio. ‘Amber Allen.’

‘This can’t go on, Amber.’

She closed her eyes, the sound of his voice both calming her and making her feel incredibly sad, all at the same time. ‘I know,’ she whispered.

‘I never promised you our life would be perfect…’

‘You never promised me anything, Jim.’

‘Because you won’t let me.’

She opened her eyes and stared up at the ceiling, the noise coming from inside the studio telling her that this really wasn’t the time or the place to be having this conversation. ‘I’m sorry.’ Her voice was quiet, waves of guilt washing over her as she remembered last night, remembered Ronnie touching her, kissing her, and more waves of guilt hit as she felt her stomach flip involuntarily. For what reason? Because she was talking to the one man who would always be there in her life, whether she liked it or not? Or because of what had happened last night?

‘You have got nothing to be sorry for, baby. Nothing.’

Hadn’t she? How had her life got so complicated all of a sudden?

‘I just needed to hear your voice, Amber. I miss you.’

She felt tears start to prick the back of her eyes, which was the last thing she needed. She had work to do, a long day ahead, and she didn’t want to be falling apart in front of her colleagues. She wasn’t some weak, needy woman, she was Amber Sullivan – strong, feisty and ambitious. Except, she wasn’t, was she? Not anymore. Now she was Amber Allen – weak, tired, and confused. And she couldn’t allow that person to take over.

Taking a deep breath, she closed her eyes again as she composed herself, willing the woman she’d used to be back to the surface. Because she needed her now more than ever.

‘I’ve got to go, Jim. I’m really busy…’

‘Did you know Ryan Fisher’s put in a loan request?’

That almost stopped her in her tracks and her eyes sprang open, her heart starting to beat faster all of a sudden. ‘Why would I know anything about that?’

‘I dunno. You tell me.’

She walked away from the studio doors, sensing the change in his tone. ‘Are you accusing me of something here, Jim?’

‘Like I said, I don’t know, Amber. All I know is that you upped and left without us having any time to talk about things – things we really need to talk about – and the next thing I know I’ve got your ex walking into my office asking for a loan request because he claims he’s still in love with you.’

‘What?’ She stopped walking, sitting down on a sofa in a quiet alcove. Her head was starting to spin. What the hell was going on now? ‘I… Did he actually say that? Or are you just assuming… are you…? I mean, there could be other reasons why…’

‘Oh, come on, Amber. What other reasons could there possibly be? You know as well as I do how he still feels about you. Have you seen him lately?’

‘Of course I haven’t. Why would I have seen him?’

‘You’re down there, miles away from me, and for all I know he could have…’

‘Could have what, Jim? What could he have done?’

There was silence for a few seconds as any sign of those tears that had been threatening before disappeared, to be replaced by something very close to anger.

‘Has he been to see you? In London?’

‘You’re just being ridiculous now. When has he had time to come and see me? You’ve got them training all hours of the day…’

‘He’s had plenty of time, Amber.’

She said nothing, just let his words and his accusations sink in. In one breath he was telling her he missed her, and in the next he was accusing her of seeing Ryan behind his back. How wrong could he be? She felt another wave of guilt wash back over her as memories of Ronnie’s fingers stroking her skin, his lips on the back of her neck, flooded her brain. None of this was right. None of it. It was so fucked-up it was unbelievable.

‘I don’t believe you,’ she hissed, hanging up on him before he had a chance to say anything else. Is that what he really thought she was doing while she was down here? That she was seeing Ryan behind his back? That he could think she’d even contemplate going back there again made her feel both sick and sad. If Ryan Fisher really did want to leave Newcastle Red Star then it wasn’t her fault. She didn’t know he still felt that way about her. Did she?

Picking up her phone again, she scrolled down her contact list and pressed dial, sitting back against the sofa cushions as she waited for the recipient of her call to answer.

‘Hey, Amber. Have you heard about Ryan?’

‘I’m not here to talk about Ryan, Max.’

‘But you’ve heard, haven’t you?’

‘Yes,’ she sighed. ‘I’ve heard. Look, do you want to hear what I’ve got to say or not?’

‘Fire away. I’m all ears.’

‘The Ice Magazine shoot – I’ll do it.’

Jim threw the phone down and dropped his head into his hands. Why the hell had he done that? He’d all but accused her of seeing Ryan behind his back when that was probably the last thing she’d been doing. And he was almost certain Ryan hadn’t left the North East all week. Taking his own frustrations out on those closest to him wasn’t a personality trait Jim was proud of, but right now it was coming to the fore much more than he was comfortable with.