Extra Time (25 page)

Throwing the covers off, he slid out of bed and started pulling on his clothes. As far as he was concerned it was game over tonight. It was game over – full stop.

‘You’re miles away.’

Amber turned to look at Ronnie. He was standing in the kitchen doorway, hands in his pockets, a concerned look on his face.

‘Metaphorically, and literally,’ she whispered.

Ronnie frowned. ‘Are you really okay?’

She shook her head, feeling tears start to well up again as he came over, gently pulling her into his arms. ‘It
is
all right to cry, you know. You don’t have to be hard-faced all your life.’

She couldn’t help smiling. ‘You always do this to me.’

‘What? Try to cheer you up?’

She pulled away from him, tearing off a sheet of kitchen roll to wipe her eyes with as she leaned back against the counter. ‘Oh God, Ronnie, it’s all such a mess.’

‘It doesn’t have to be,’ he said, his hands back in his pockets. ‘Maybe you just need to talk to…’

She shut him up with one of her looks, shaking her head. ‘No. Not yet. Look, I don’t even want to talk
about
him right now, let alone talk
to
him. I can’t even explain these bloody feelings going round in my head, and that’s what’s so confusing.’

‘You really should…’

‘Just leave it, Ronnie, please.’

He looked down at the ground, scuffing the heel of his shoe against the bottom of the kitchen cupboards. ‘Then talk to
me
, Amber.’ He looked up at her, his eyes locking onto hers. ‘Please. Just talk to someone, because you’re bottling stuff up, I know you. And you don’t do that.’

‘Oh, yes, I do,’ she said, letting out a small, ironic laugh. ‘I so do. For almost twenty years I bottled up how I really felt for Jim. I battered those feelings down until I almost began to convince myself that they weren’t real.’ She stared at Ronnie. ‘But they were. They were very real, and I just wish I’d acted on them sooner.’

‘You think that would have made this situation any different?’

She shrugged, wiping her eyes again before throwing the crumpled sheet of kitchen roll into a nearby bin. ‘Probably not. But it might have meant that at least, by now, I’d be used to it all. I’d have accepted that Jim was a father, and that I won’t ever be a mum.’ Just saying the words out loud felt like someone had thrust something sharp and jagged right into her chest. The pain was so real she actually flinched, and Ronnie had to step forward to catch her in his arms as she fell forward.

‘Okay, that’s it. Come on. I think it’s time you got some sleep. You look worn out.’

‘I’m not a child, Ronnie.’ She pulled away from him, continuing to tidy up the remnants of their takeaway supper. ‘I’m fine. It was just a wobble, and I’m sure I’m going to have quite a few more of those before…’

Ronnie grabbed the plates she was holding, pulling them out of her hands, instantly shutting her up. ‘Leave those. They’ll still be there in the morning.’

‘Yeah. I know. That’s why I’m clearing them away now.’

‘Jesus, will you just do as you’re told! I know you think you’re some strong-minded northern woman who can tackle anything, no matter what the situation, but you’re wrong, okay?’

She turned to look at him, narrowing her eyes. ‘I’m wrong?’

‘Yeah. You’re wrong. You’re weak, Amber. Deal with it. And, more importantly, just let it happen. It isn’t a fucking crime to show a little weakness now and again, especially when you’ve spent most of your life trying to portray yourself as someone who doesn’t feel anything.’

‘That’s not what I…’

‘It was. Look, what’s happening to you right now, most people would expect you to feel a little bit confused, a little bit upset. What you’ve been told, that’s big, Amber. It’s life-changing.’

She felt fresh tears start to fall, and she knew that if she looked at Ronnie she was only going to start crying – really crying – all over again. And she was tired of doing that now. She’d spent the past few nights crying herself to sleep – not that she’d slept all that much. And she wanted to sleep, wanted to go some place where the pain wouldn’t get to her, but she wasn’t even allowed that luxury of escape.

‘I just feel so empty, Ronnie.’

He reached out and took her hand, squeezing it gently as her tear-filled eyes stared into his. ‘I know, sweetheart. I know. But pushing people away isn’t going to help.’

‘Will you stay tonight? Please. If you go and I’m on my own again I know I’m just going to be awake all night going over and over everything until it makes even less sense than it already does. And I really don’t want to be alone.’

He smiled, resting his forehead against hers, stroking her cheek with his thumb. ‘You want me to stay, I’ll stay. But only if you promise you’ll talk to me. Do we have a deal?’

She couldn’t help smiling, too. ‘Yeah. We have a deal.’

‘Good. Okay, you head on upstairs, run yourself a bath and try and relax. I’ll tidy up down here.’

She leaned forward, kissing his cheek. ‘Thank you.’

‘I’ll bring you up that nightcap once I’m done.’

Half an hour later she eased herself out of the bath, feeling slightly more relaxed than she had done before she’d got in it. With the wonderful sound of Joe Bonamassa’s rock/blues voice and incredible guitar playing having taken her to a place where she felt a touch calmer, she actually thought she might have a chance of some sleep tonight. To get more than a couple of hours in a row would be like heaven, after the past few nights.

‘I brought you that drink.’

She turned round to see Ronnie, his white shirtsleeves now rolled up to his elbows, his dark hair slightly dishevelled.

‘Feeling any better?’ he asked as he hovered in the doorway.

Amber nodded. ‘Yeah. A bit. You can come in you know.’

‘I just thought you might… I thought you might be tired. I’ll go get the spare room ready…’

‘Ronnie, please. Just come in, will you?’ She sat down on the edge of the bed, pulling her bathrobe tighter around her.

He sat down next to her, clasping his hands between his knees.

‘Brandon is a really nice guy,’ she began, staring straight ahead of her as she spoke. ‘But sitting there tonight, talking to him, knowing who he was… it was so hard. So, so hard. None of it is his fault, all of this…’ She broke off, saying nothing for a few seconds. ‘He represents a lie, Ronnie. And I know that sounds like a really selfish thing to say because I’ve just said none of this is his fault, but, to me, when I look at him, all I see is this secret that Jim kept from me and… I don’t know… it’s all still so confusing.’

Ronnie reached out to take her hand and she closed her eyes as his fingers wrapped around hers.

‘But he doesn’t just represent a lie. He’s also going to be this constant reminder of something I can’t ever have, and something my husband will have forever – a son. And again, I know this sounds selfish, but I don’t know if I can be around him, Ronnie. I really don’t know if I can do that, and if I can’t be around him, then I can’t be around Jim, can I?’

‘Amber…’

She shook her head, pulling her hand away from his. ‘No. It’s okay. I can’t expect you to answer that. It’s just me voicing all these mixed-up, crazy, painful thoughts that are just spinning round and round and round inside my head…’ She sighed, heavy and deep, throwing her head back, pushing both hands through her hair. ‘Oh Jesus, Ronnie…’

‘Hey, come on. Come on. It’s okay…’

‘But it’s not okay, is it?’ She looked straight at him. ‘How can it be okay? If I can’t accept Brandon as Jim’s son purely because it’s too painful for me to… This is getting us nowhere. I don’t know what I’m saying, not really. Everything’s still too messed up right now.’

‘You should get some sleep,’ Ronnie said quietly, gently brushing her hair back off her shoulders. ‘We’ve got a busy day tomorrow.’

She looked at him. ‘I don’t want to be selfish, Ronnie. I really don’t want that. I just need to face up to my own reality before I can start to accept Jim’s. Does that make any sense?’

He gave her a small smile. ‘Yeah. I think it does.’

‘It’s just that… I feel like I’m so far away from accepting anything right now. And I know that I shouldn’t be acting like this. I shouldn’t have run away from everything by coming down here, I should have stayed in Newcastle and talked this out with Jim, but… after everything we’ve been through, after everything that happened between us in the past…’ She looked down at her clasped hands. ‘It’s hard. For me to know that he kept a secret so big from me. From everyone. Why did he do that, Ronnie?’ She looked at her best friend. ‘Why? I just… I just don’t understand.’

‘Do you love him, Amber?’

She stared into his eyes, feeling something in the pit of her stomach that she couldn’t explain. ‘Yes, I love him. I just don’t want to be with him right now. It’s too hard. It’s just too hard, and some people might find that difficult to understand, and that word selfish may be thrown around again, but… but I have to deal with this in my own way, I have to…’

‘Amber, it’s okay. You don’t have to explain anything to me, all right? I understand.’

‘I’m not sure I understand what I’m feeling myself, Ronnie.’

He tucked a strand of hair behind her ear, his hand lightly brushing her neck as he did so, an action that caused a strange sensation to pass through her, like a forbidden shiver, something she shouldn’t be feeling, but she was.

‘It
will
be okay, Amber. I promise you.’

She smiled at him. ‘I believe your promises.’

He smiled, too, his hand absentmindedly resting on her bare knee. ‘Then believe that this
will
all be okay. Eventually. No one expects you to have it all worked out overnight.’

‘It’s going to take time, I know that. So I guess I’ve just got to be patient.’

He was so close now that Amber could feel his breath on her cheek, his hand still resting on her knee, but she made no attempt to move it.

‘There are a lot of strange feelings happening right now but… but I guess I’ve just got to run with them.’ She looked right into his eyes, a sensation akin to a tiny electric shock shooting right across her chest, rendering her breathless for a split second. ‘Haven’t I?’

‘Only if you feel comfortable with whatever those feelings are,’ he whispered, his hand slowly sliding up her leg, underneath her robe to touch her thigh. And something inside him told him he shouldn’t be doing this, that she was vulnerable and tired and not thinking straight, but she felt so warm and soft, her skin still damp from the bath she’d just had. And he couldn’t pull away, couldn’t stop himself.

Amber closed her eyes, knowing in the very small but still-present rational part of her brain that this was wrong. This was really wrong. But, at the same time, this was her chance for an escape, a chance to forget everything that was making her feel so confused – by embarking on something that would only serve to confuse the situation even further? Just more proof that she wasn’t thinking straight.

‘I should go,’ Ronnie said, sensing her reluctance, and he wasn’t going to push it. He cared too much about her for that. She didn’t need him playing with her already messed-up emotions, that wasn’t fair. ‘You need to sleep.’

She said nothing as he got up off the bed, just watched as he walked towards the door, his head down. And it was only when that all-consuming feeling of emptiness washed over her once more that she stood up and ran over to him.

‘Ronnie, no! Wait. Please.’

He swung round to look at her, her pretty face now devoid of those tear stains that had covered it not that long ago. She looked younger than she was, but her eyes were sad. Lost, almost, and he wasn’t used to seeing her that way. It hurt him like he couldn’t explain and all he wanted to do – with every inch of his being – was make everything better. He wanted to make it all better. By doing what he so badly wanted to do? Was that going to help anyone? Really?

‘It’s not fair, Amber.’

‘On either of us – on Jim. I know. I know it isn’t fair, but …  Jesus, Ronnie, sometimes life isn’t fucking fair, is it?’

‘You’re not thinking straight. It’s wrong. I mean, I want to, don’t get me wrong, Christ, I want to. So much you wouldn’t believe…’

She slowly undid the robe she was wearing, leaving it loose but not allowing it to fall open.

He couldn’t take his eyes off her. ‘We’re both so confused about things right now, Amber. I don’t think we…’ He turned his head away for a second, pushing a hand through his hair as he tried to get some sort of clarity on a situation that was fast getting out of hand. And he wasn’t sure either of them had the strength to stop it.

‘No. You’re right,’ Amber said, tying the robe back up. ‘You’re right.’

He watched as she walked over to the bed, and the pain he felt cut across his chest was quite shocking in its intensity. Almost as if someone was putting some kind of invisible pressure on him that he couldn’t stop. Yes, he was right. Of course he was right. But sometimes, just sometimes he wanted to be wrong, and fuck the consequences.

She still had her back to him, busying herself folding up the towel she’d had wrapped around her wet hair, and he just stood and watched her for a few seconds, waiting to see if she would turn around and tell him she was ready to make the mistake he so badly wanted to make with her. A big, beautiful, heart-wrenching mistake. But she stayed facing away from him. Because she knew that if she turned around she’d have no choice?

Looking briefly up at the ceiling, letting out a deep but quiet sigh, he walked slowly over to her until he was right behind her, reaching out to gently push her damp hair away from the back of her neck, kissing it lightly.

‘Don’t turn around,’ he whispered. Was this the coward’s way of making his move? If she didn’t look at him, if he couldn’t see her face, would it mean he felt less guilty?

He could hear her breathing begin to speed up, become more shallow, and he ached to feel her skin beneath his fingers. He ached to touch her, to see her naked, to make love to her. It was like a million pent-up feelings had come rushing to the surface after years of being pushed down and ignored. Even though they’d always been there. So, was opening this Pandora’s Box really a fair thing to be doing? To her? But especially to himself? When he knew she’d never leave Jim, she’d never do that. So could he cope with just being her escape? If that’s what she really wanted?