Face the Music (35 page)

My heart swelled, but
I felt a hundred pounds lighter
.  “Thank you.”

I never did find Chris.  I hadn’t talked to him since his birthday party, so t
hat evening I was especial
ly curious to watch the show.

He was dressed in all black, standing at a mic at the center of the stage.  A soft guitar sequence played, and Chris stood motionless, hands
hanging
at his side
s
, head bowed.  Jets of steam erupted from either side
of him
, and slowly, deliberately, he looked up and started singing.

It was a
dark
, foreboding
song
,
Shinedown’s
45
. 
His
voice w
as thick and heavy
as he sang
, laced with discontent.
  Not a single e
motion colored his expression.

He held this position until the chorus, at which point he ripped the mic off its stand and stormed across the stage.  It was unsettling to watch
, as if a cloud of emotions had been set loose within him.  Anger, rage, fury, and pain. 
By the end of the
song he was
on his knees,
nearly screaming. 
When the music faded, he let his arms fall to his sides.  His head dropped forward.  Only his shoulders moved, rising and falling as
he worked to catch his breath.

I didn’t know what to think.  He looked exasperated.  Was it part of his act for the performance, or had something really happened?  I couldn’t tell for sure.

“Whoa!” said Lucy once the lights came back on.  She stared up at the stage.  “Wow.  I don’t even know what to say. 
I’ve got chills, but I don’t
think they’re the good kind.
  That was almost scary, Chris.
”

He glowered and fidgeted with the mic.  “Sorry.  Rough week.”

“I guess so,” she said, turning to Stella.  “What’d you think?”

“The performance was certainly full of emotion,
and I appreciate the attempt,
” she said, “but that isn’t e
xactly what we’re looking for.
  It was too much.
” 

Chris looked like he wanted to melt into the backdrop.

Eddie drummed his fingers on the desk.  “You have so much power up there.  It was interesting to see thi
s side of you, so full of rage.  B
ut
,
I don’t think that’s the kind of performer you are.  A happy Chris is much more likable.”

At the en
d of the show
,
I held my breath.  I was almost nauseous thinking that he would be let go. 
Something must have happened
.  Whatever it was was bad enough that it
had
affected his performance.  I wondered if that was why I hadn’t seen him all week.

Relief came
when the judges decided to give him another chanc
e.   Melody also remained safe.

I was absolutely determi
ned to talk to him the next day.  I
found him at the snack bar, sharing a table with Cynthia.  She was picking at a salad, and he was
thumbing
through
a stack
of sheet music.

“Chris!  Hi!”  I said cheerfully as I approached the table.  “Where have you been?  I haven’t seen you in
forever
.”

He didn’t ev
en look up.  “Hello, Allison.”
  The chill those two words carried was enough to freeze the Arctic.  It
resonated through me, leaving no doubts of his mood. 
Cynthia put down her fork and sat back in her chair
, looking from me to him
.

“Mind if I sit?” I asked.

He shrugged
,
so I
planted myself in
the chair across from him. 

Patches of stubble softened the normally sharp lines of his si
deburns. 
Deep
creases marked
his
forehead, and h
is eyes were
rimmed with red. 
He looked like he’d been up for days.

“What’s been going on?  I
’ve tried calling, did
you get
any of
my messages?” 

He glanced at me
,
but then looked back down at
his music.  “I’ve been around.”

Cynthia
’s presence was distracting
.  “Can you give us a minute?”
I asked
her
.
  My tone was snarky, but I didn’t care.

She made a big
commotion
out of picking up her salad and taking it to
another
table.  Clearly
,
I was caus
ing her great inconvenience. 
Good
.

Knowing she
would still be listening, I spoke softly.  “
What’s
going on?  Is everything okay?”  I reached across the table and touched his arm. 

He jerked away
and
lifted his head to
m
e
et my gaze.  There was fire behind his dark eyes.  “I’m fine.”  His voice was nothing more than a growl.

“Are you?”

We stared at each other for several seconds, neither of us lo
oking away.  In that brief time
,
I saw a whirlwind of emotions flood his face.

“Do you mind?”  He lifted his pages.  “I’m working.”

I was shocked.  Never had he treated me so callously.  It was like he was deliberately trying to hurt my feelings
, but
I wasn’t about to back down. 
“Yes, I do mind, actually.”  I snatched the music from his hands.  “What’s the hell’s the matter
with you
?  Talk to me.
” 

Cynthia giggled
,
but compose
d herself when Chris shot her an irritated
look.

He returned his gaze to me,
a cold, penetrating stare that
raised
the hair
on my arms.  “
Why don’t you go talk to
Jake
?”

I flinched
at his
sharp tone. 
It was like his tongue was lashing out at me, each word marring my skin. 
“What are you talking about?
  What’s this got to do with Jake?
”

He smacked his palms
against the table.  “Allie, damm
it, what are you doing?” 

I stare
d
at him, wracking my brain to
try and make
some
sense out of what was happening
.

He cleared his throat and
broke away from my stare.  “He’s always there.  He
was
there
on Valentine’s Day.  H
e was there after your fall, when your grandma died.  The guy never leaves!”

“Jake is my friend, Chris.  I don’t see anything unreasonable about what you’re saying.”

“Did you know he left with
someone
the night of the poker party?” he
asked
.  “And then days later,
he
spent the night at
your
place?
  T
he very
same
night
you and I
went out? 
For Christ’s sake!
”  He looked at me and shook his head.

I opened my mouth to object, but he cut me off. 
His voice
was
a whisper.  “
You’
re going to get hurt. 
And I’m not talking about what happened when you got into that bar fight, or whatever the fuck that was about. 
You can’t trust him. 
Can’t you see it, Allie, or are you too damn blind?  Do you even care?”

I w
as too stunned to speak.  I sat entirely motionless
for some time as his insinuations sank
in.  My hands started to shake.  Wh
en I was sure I could control my v
oice, I spoke slowly.  “T
here is nothing going on between me and Jake.  I tri
ed to tell you that before, but-
”

“I heard you!” he hissed.

I fought to keep from losing my temper.  “What did you hear?”

“I heard him tell you how he feels about you.  The other night at the meeting.  I came to find you during the break, but y
ou were
in the hall
with Jake.
”  His face scrunched up as though he
found the memory revolting
.  “I always wondered exactly what your relationship with him entailed, but Thursday night I saw it for myself.”

My heart beat wildly in my chest.  Anger washed through me.  “Is that all you heard?”
I said through my teeth.

He gave a sarcastic snort.  “Wasn’t that enough?  The two of you left together, didn’t you?  I didn’t see either of you again
after that
.”

I stood up and shoved the chair under the table.  “Maybe you should have stuck around to hear the rest of the conversation.
  Or better yet, maybe you should have asked me about it before jumping to your false conclusions.
”

I was done with him.  What was the point?  He obviously didn’t want to hear anything
I had to say.  I threw the sheets of music
at him, not caring that they scattered across the table, and stormed down the hall, clenching my fists so tightly that my fingernails dug into my palms.

***

With Molly napping and Emily at work, the apartment was quiet. 
Too quiet. 
Anger, sadness, frustration, and confusion
each
took turns
toying with
my mood.