Face the Music (56 page)

It took a few minutes, but I finally found Charlie- still on the blanket- chatting with a few people he apparently knew from somewhere.  They had spread their blanket
s
out
next to his.  I was relieved.  A
t least he hadn’t been alone while I was visiting with the kids.

He looked up at me with a puzzled expression.  “Where’d you go?”

“Sorry.  I ran into a few people.”

“Oh.”  He glanced at my empty hands.  “No sodas?”

I flushed.  “Oh
crap
!  Charlie, I am so sorry!  I forgot all about it.”  I looked around for the nearest vendor.  Thunder crackled loudly overhead.

“How about I go with you this time so you don’t get lost?” he laughed.

We didn’t make it too far when the clouds opened up.  Rain poured out in sheets.  People around us scattered for shelter, but I stood in place, held my arms out to my sides, and looked up to the heavens, enjoying the feeling of the cool, fresh water dripping down on me.  Charlie looked at me in amazement. 

“Isn’t this great?”  I beamed, running my fingers through my drenched hair.  “I lo
ve the rain.  It’s been so long.
”  I trailed off
, thinking about the last time I’d been caught in a rainstorm.  I hadn’t been quite so excited about that one.

A streak of lightening flashed across the sky, and for the briefest of seconds, I thought I saw Chris’s face.  I blinked and looked around, but he was gone.  A hallucination? 

Charlie grabbed my hand and pulled me towards an awning.  “Come on, crazy girl.” 

I laughed.  Crazy wasn’t that far of a stretch. 

“Well, now what?”  I looked at Charlie with big eyes.  My wet t-shirt clung to my chest, but I didn’t care.  I was breathless and invigorated.  “Wanna go?”

“I don’t mind the rain, and clearly neither do you,” h
e said, running his eyes over me
.  “Besides, I think it’s going to let up.”

I poked out my lower lip.  “Darn.”  He raised an eyebrow, and I quickly
clarified
.  “No, I mea
n good, I’m glad we’re staying. 
I just don’t want the rain to stop.”

The concert was nice. 
I really enjoyed watching the kids perform again.  In fact, I got so into their performances that I hadn’t realized how chilly it had become.  My clothes and hair were still damp, and I shivered.  Charlie wrapped his arm around
me
.

Chris took the stage and gave one of his trademark
,
high-energy performances.  His voice was
strong and powerful
, and I watched from afar as his breath fogged in the cool air.  I longed to be near him.  When I shuddered, Charlie squeezed my shoulders ti
ghter.  I became uncomfortable,
sitting so close to one man while wishing to be closer to another. 

When the show ended, Charlie and I shared a cab back home.

“Thanks, Charlie, this was great,” I said when we got to the front of my building.

“Yeah, I had a lot of fun.”

After a
few seconds of awkward silence,
I extended my hand.  “Well, I’ll see you in class.  Thanks again.” 

I stood and watched the cab drive
away.  Charlie was a nice guy.  T
oo bad I couldn’t convince my heart to let go of someone else. 

Emily was waiting for me in the kitchen.  “How was it?”

“Wet.”  I reached back and pulled a rubber band from my hair.  “I’m going to take a shower and go to bed.  See you tomorrow?” 

The steamy water felt good against my skin.  I stood there, longer than usual, before getting out and drying off.  I was surprised at how tired I felt, so
,
rather than blow drying my hair
,
I put it in
a braid
and went to bed. 

Chapter 30

I dreamt about Chris that night.

“Come with me.  I want you to see something,” he said, leading me though the plush trees, up to the top of a high cliff.  Down below, the water of the river rushed and beat up against jagged rocks.  The sight was truly breathtaking. 

“What are you most afraid of?” he asked.

I glanced over the edge and shuddered.  “Heights.”

“No, really?”
  He looked at me, one of his eyebrows arched high.

“And water.”

I took a step towards him, away from the edge.  “When I was young
,
I fell i
nto a pool and almost drowned.” 
I trembled at the idea.

“Wow.”  He shook his head in awe.  “Just when I thought I had you figured out
you go and surprise me again.”

I inched my way towards the edge of the cliff and looked down.  “
I’m tired of being limited by my fears.  Si
ck of
letting them confine
me.  N
othing comp
ares with my fear of losing you,
my fear of not being
with you. 
I’m not afraid anymore.” 

With my back to the edge, I stood on my tiptoes, put my arms out to my sides, and let myself fall down towards the water below. 

I woke up with a jolt.  Lightning flashed and lit up my room, causing strange shadows to
dance
on my walls.  I sat up in bed and looked around, trying to calm my racing heart.

I was never one to put much meaning into dreams, but I couldn’
t get this one out of my head.

What are you most afraid of?

He’d asked me that once, for real, and I
told him spiders.  It was true.  T
hey were horrible, disgusting
,
little creatures.  But
,
when c
ompared to a life without Chris
,
they suddenly didn’t seem so awful. 

As I listened to the heavy rain beat against my window, I thought about what I’d said
before dropping off the cliff.

I’m not afraid anymore. 

Grams’s l
ast words came out of nowhere.

Don’t grow too old before you decide to live your life
.

The meaning suddenly became clear.
 
I wasn’t happy.  No matter how hard I tried to deny it, I missed him.  And I couldn’t forgive myself for hurting him.  His career had taken off, and he was really doing i
t.  I was glad for that, but the
hole in my heart would never let me be truly happy.  Chris was the only person who could fill that void.

It was a long night as I lay in bed and realized, for the first time, what I truly wanted out of life.  I wanted Chris.  I needed to be with him.  If there was any chance that he w
ould take me back, I had to try
.

I got out of bed the next morning a new person.  For the first time in a long time, I had a purpose.  I felt confident and refreshed and had little doubt that my happiness
would soon come.  And this time
,
it wouldn’t be at such a high cost.  Chris was becoming an established artist, and I could no longer get in the way of that.

Emily looked up from a magazine and watched me dance into the kitchen.  “What’s up?”

“Nothing, what’s up with you?”  I pulled a container of cottage cheese from the fridge.   It was covered with fuzzy
,
green mold.  “Eww,” I said, snapping the lid back on and tossing it into the garbage.

Emily continued to eye me.  “Nice hair.” 

I reached up, remembering I had slept in
a damp braid
.  “Thanks.  Guess I’ll go wavy today.” 

“Cute.  Seriously though, what’s with you?”

I closed the fridge and leaned against it.  “I had a dream last night.” 

“About what?” 

“Chris.”

She put down her glass and looked at me seriously.  I could tell she was growing impatient.  “And?”

“I’ve been such a fool.  I messed up.  I never should have let him go.”  Her mouth fell open, and I continued.  “I’m going to fix it, though.  I’m going to tell him everything.  For once
in my life, I’m taking control.
”

“Finally!” she groaned.  “Oh my gosh, Allie, it’s about
fricking
time.”  She took out her phone. 

“What are you doing?”  Her fingers raced across the keypad at lightning speed.  I’d just confessed something really big, and she was sending a text?

“Sending Lauren a message.  She’s gonna flip.”

“What are you now, BFF’s or something?” I asked, a little annoyed. 

Her phone buzzed.  She picked it up and read the message.  “No, we just share a common interest.”  She typed in something else and set it back down.  “What’s your plan?”

“You know that party Saturday night?  The Masquerade?”  She and Jake were planning on going.  “I think maybe I’ll go after all.” 

***

It was amazing that I had managed to put the costume together on such short notice.  I’d found a sparkly, dark turquoise
, floor-length gown at a second-
hand store and dressed it up with enormous g
littery wings
.  Emily
had
painted my eyes with a dramatic shade of blue.

I am the butterfly
. 
And tonight I’m going to
get my new beginning
. 

We arrived at the party, and a
s we made our way across the room, I was so full of confidence and hope that I felt like a new person.  There was no room for nervousness, only the exhilaration of knowing that I was finally going to have what I most desired.  I had no doubt that very soon my life would again be full.

Emily and I walked around the room several times, admiring the elaborate costumes. 
She was dressed as a swan and wore a white, shimmery gown. 
Royalty, spooks, and a number of
other animals walked around the room.

“Emily, look,” I said, pointing.  “There’s Chris.”  He was upstairs, stepping out onto the upper balcony.  “Okay, I’m going.  Wish me luck.”

She gave me a smile of encouragement and squeezed my hand.  “You won’t need any.”

It took some effort to make it across the room and up the stairs.  People were everywhere, and it was difficult to maneuver my large wings through the group without stepping on the other costumes. 

When I finally reached the door of the b
alcony
,
I stopped and took a deep breath.  I then pushed open the door and stepped out.  Chris was leaning against the railing with his back to me, seemingly in deep thought.  He wore a black tuxedo.  An expressionless gold mask lay beside him.  He turned around as I stepped forward.