"Stop it!" She jumped up, shocked by his venom. "What's wrong with you? I didn't say any of that—"
He strode across the room and grabbed her by her upper arms, his grip unyielding, but he was careful not to hurt her, even in his fury. "I saw the look of horror on your face, Astrid. You called it a
problem.
This baby deserves more, Astrid—"
"I know it deserves more," she shouted at him. "For God's sake, don't you think I know that? I drank beer tonight, Jason.
Beer!
How long do you think it will take before I lose this baby, too? Did I already destroy it with that stupid beer tonight?" Her voice broke, and she clutched her stomach as all the memories flooded her, as she stared at him in horror. "Dear God, Jason, what if I somehow make this one die, too?"
The anguish in Astrid's voice broke through the haze threatening to consume Jason, jerking him back to the present. He suddenly realized how tightly he was gripping her, and he swore when he realized that he'd shouted at her. Son of a bitch. This was
Astrid.
Not his former wife, telling him that she was going to abort their son because it would interfere with her career. "Shit, Astrid." He immediately softened his grip, swearing at the pain in her eyes. "I'm sorry."
"Let go of me," she said, her voice rough and unsettled. "Now."
He immediately dropped his hands and jammed them in his pockets as she stepped back. Her face was ashen, but her body language was furious as she stalked over to the door and pulled it open. "Get out," she said. "Just get out."
Jason stared at all the moving boxes on the landing, and something seemed to freeze in his soul. If he left, Astrid would be gone, along with his child. "I can't," he said quietly.
"You don't have a choice," she said, her voice steely. "It's my house."
He let out his breath, aware of the raw pain in her eyes. Her hand was trembling where she was holding onto the door, and her face was stark and haunted. He couldn't leave. Not this woman. Not his child. He had to find a way to bridge the chasm he'd just created between them by being such an ass.
Swearing, he paced away from her and ran his hand through his hair. Shit. There was no other way. He had to tell her the truth, a truth that hurt every time he spoke of it, or even thought of it. A truth that was better off being buried deep than being laid out in the open to flay him raw.
"Jason. I mean it. Leave." Her voice was unyielding and hard, and he knew he'd crossed the line to the unforgivable.
Fuck that. He had to fix this. Gritting his teeth in resolution, Jason spun toward her, fixing his gaze on her hard face, banking on the fact that the depth and emotion he'd sensed in her so many times was really there, that he could reach that side of her with the truth. "A few years after Noah was born, my wife became pregnant again. She didn't tell me, and by sheer coincidence, I ran into her at the hospital when she was on her way in for an abortion."
Astrid blanched. "What?"
"Shit, Astrid." He strode over to her, desperate for her to understand. "I'm sorry I reacted the way I did just now. I was suddenly back in that moment with Kate, and I panicked." Jesus. He would never forget the raw terror he'd felt when he'd realized what she was going to do, when he'd thought he wouldn't be able to stop her. The complete powerlessness coursing through him. "She used the same words with me. 'It's not your problem.' That's all I could think of when you said it." He met her gaze. "I already lost one son. I can't lose another child."
She stared at him, her beautiful brown eyes searching for understanding. "What do you mean?"
"Kate didn't abort our son that day, and he was born eight months later." Jason steeled himself against the pain and grief that always accompanied the memory of his second child. "His name was Lucas Jonathan Sarantos. He was four years younger than Noah. He was born early with a heart condition and required constant medical supervision."
Astrid heard the pain in Jason's voice, and her heart tightened. God, she knew that pain of losing a child. It was so devastating. She touched his arm lightly, and he immediately flipped his wrist and caught her hand, gripping it tightly.
"I was on call at the hospital, and my wife was supposed to be home that night. She was a doctor as well, so we didn't have the nurse on duty when one of us was home. Kate got an invitation to a high profile fundraiser, so she left Lucas with a sitter, because the nurse wasn't available for another two hours. Lucas died before the ambulance even got to the house." He met her gaze. "He wouldn't have died if one of us had been home. He was ten months old."
Tears filled Astrid's eyes at the self-recrimination in his voice, at the weight he was carrying. God, she knew that, she knew what it was like. "I'm so sorry, Jason."
"Yeah, me, too," he muttered, fighting to keep his composure. Every time he thought of that night, he felt like it was going to break him again. "I'm sorry I overreacted just now with you. I'm an ass, and you didn't deserve it."
A faint smile flicked at the corners of her mouth. "No, I didn't. But thank you for the apology."
He didn't ask if he was forgiven. He didn't want to hear it if he wasn't. He needed Astrid's faith, he needed to connect with her. So, instead, he took her hand and raised it to his mouth, pressing his lips against her knuckles. "Tell me about your baby, Astrid. The one you lost. Help me understand why you're so afraid."
The gentleness of his tone nearly undid Astrid, and she fought for control of her emotions. Dammit. She couldn't tell him. No one knew about her past. She couldn't let herself lean on anyone again. It had been so hard to get back onto her feet and learn how to stand alone. She couldn't get caught up in Jason's spell. "I'm not afraid."
He raised his brows at her. "Tell me why you're afraid, Astrid," he repeated. "My son died. I understand."
Tears suddenly filled her eyes, and the effort of holding it in seemed too much. No one knew. Not even her brother or her mother, but suddenly, with this stranger, this man who carried the same grief she did, she didn't want to be alone with her memories again. "His name was Justin. He was stillborn at eight months."
"Hell," he said quietly. "There's no other word for the experience of having your child die."
She nodded, biting her lip. "I know."
Jason tugged on her hand, pulling her toward him. She was too drained to argue or to resist when he wrapped his arms around her and tucked her against him. She pressed her face to his chest, accepting his warmth, the shared understanding of a burden almost too great to bear. His body was like a great shield of protection surrounding her. Strength and understanding, a bond that they shared. She closed her eyes as she felt him press his lips to her hair. It wasn't sexual. It was comforting and beautiful, without judgment, and somehow, it eased some of the pain from her soul.
"You can't leave town," Jason said softly. "You have to stay."
Astrid stiffened. She'd forgotten about the fact she was losing her home. How was she going to support a child?
"Astrid." Jason pulled back to look at her. "I have an empty carriage house. It's yours."
She stared at him, shocked by his offer. That carriage house was beautiful. Her dream. Yearning rushed through her...and then she saw the expression on Jason's face. Determined. Protective. There wasn't love on his face. It was the male instinct to protect a child.
Jason didn't want her to stay for herself. He wanted to protect the baby.
Just like before. Just like with Paul. It wasn't about her. Even though she knew that, she realized he was so tempting that she knew she wouldn't be able to stop herself from falling under his spell or from opening her heart to him...and then what? He would break it, and there would be nothing left. She couldn't recover from that kind of devastation again. She knew it.
She shook her head. "I can't." She pulled away. "I'll be fine. I'll think of something." She would get a job. A real job. Someplace that had health insurance. Clare had been able to be a single mom. She could do it, too…assuming she could carry the baby full term...Fear rippled over her again, and she felt light-headed. What if she failed the baby again?
"What other choices do you have, Astrid?" Jason's gentle intrusion slashed through her fear, yanking her back to the present.
No choices. She had no options. Time would run out tomorrow morning. Then what? Where would she go? How would she manage? Nausea churned through her, and her head began to pound. "I can't—"
He caught her chin, gently asking her to look at him. "I can give you a home and security." His voice was earnest and gentle. Kind. Not dominating and threatening. It was as if he sensed she was treading on the edge of terror and was ready to bolt, and he knew he had to ease her down from her fear. "I'm a doctor, for hell's sake. You've got me twenty-four/seven. I'll be there if anything goes wrong."
Astrid stared at him, the truth of his words sinking in. Could she really risk the baby by going off and living in some shithole while she was pregnant? No, no, no, of course she couldn't. She couldn't do that to her child. But to put herself under Jason's influence? And what if she stayed in town and people found out she was pregnant? There was no way to keep that a secret. They would judge her and—
"Astrid." Jason turned her toward him. "We'll work it out. We'll find a way. I just want you and the baby safe. At least stay there for now, until we figure things out."
His voice was gentle, but there was no mistaking the steeliness beneath, the male protectiveness he was trying to hide from her. Jason Sarantos was staking claim to his child, regardless of the cost to her. Dammit. She couldn't let herself fall victim to him. She couldn't endure another repeat of trusting the wrong man, like she had with Paul, not again. But what other options did she have? None, right now. She had nowhere to live, and no source of income. She needed help right now. But just for now. What if she took his offer for just a few days, while she tried to get things organized? Yes, that would be okay. She could resist his charms and the feelings he stirred up in her for a short time. He would keep her safe for now, and then she could take her life back, but on solid ground because he'd given her time to figure it out.
She set her hand on her belly and made her decision. She'd take this gift and use it to give herself time, but she would be gone long before Jason Sarantos could start to destroy what was left of her heart. "Okay. For a couple weeks. No longer."
Relief washed over Jason's face, making him look ten years younger. She was shocked by how handsome he was, and her heart softened at the expression of raw relief on his face, by the realization of how much tension he'd been holding.
"You can stay as long as you want," he said. "There's no limit."
"Two weeks," she said firmly. "I just need a little time to get things organized."
He met her gaze. "Two weeks, then." But there was no mistaking the determination in his eyes. Jason Sarantos had a plan, and it didn't involve Astrid leaving his carriage house in two weeks.
Damn men and their plans.
Jason sprinted up the stairs to Astrid's old apartment. Dawn had barely hit, but he'd still driven like a madman to get over there, terrified Astrid had changed her mind and taken off during the night. He'd managed to get the sitter to come back at six in the morning, and he'd bolted the moment she'd arrived.
It had been a fucking night from hell. He'd dreamed of Lucas dying, the dreams so vivid he'd woken up drenched in sweat, his body trembling with grief. It was the worst the nightmares had been in years. He'd dreamed of Kate dying. He'd dreamed of Noah dying, dreams so intense he'd wound up sleeping on Noah's floor so he could keep waking himself up to check that his son was alive and safe. And he'd been haunted by his growing terror that Astrid would cut out during the night, and he'd never find her again.
Raw terror had churned through him as he'd raced up Astrid's steps at six-fifteen, and his relief had been astronomical when he'd shoved open the unlocked door to her apartment and seen her asleep in her bed.
Still there.
But shit, she looked so vulnerable while sleeping. Her dark hair spread out on the pillow, she was curled into a ball. Her hands were tucked under her chin as if she were trying to protect herself even in sleep. In that moment, she wasn't the independent woman who had reminded him of Kate. She was a vulnerable woman struggling to survive, to hang on and make it one more day. He wanted to pick her up right then and carry her out, take her away from the shithole she was living in.
Instead, he sank down on the edge of her bed and forced himself to wait. He knew he should give her privacy and wait outside in his car, but the thought of being away from her was unacceptable. Just as he'd had to sleep on Noah's floor to ensure he didn't lose his son during the night, he couldn't tear himself away from her. There had simply been too much loss in his life, and he couldn't handle another. He had to protect what little he had left, and right now, that meant Astrid.
Jason braced his elbows on his knees and rested his forehead in his palms, trying to get a handle on his tension. Now that he was back in her apartment and knew Astrid was still here, he had to pull his shit together and calm down.
Astrid was his second chance.
He'd come to Maine for a second chance for Noah, and as God was his witness, this was a hell of a second chance. He didn't even know what the hell to do with it, or with Astrid. All he knew was that he couldn't let her go. Not yet. Not with his child.
A light knock sounded on the door, and Jason stood up as Griffin opened the door. Both men froze at the sight of each other in Astrid's space.
"What are you doing here?" Griffin asked, his gaze shooting suspiciously to Astrid and back to Jason.
"There's been a change of plans," Jason said, ignoring the question. "Astrid's moving into my carriage house."