"Wow." She pulled away, staggered by the enormity of his confession. Was that what Paul had thought of her? Had a part of him been glad when she lost the baby, freeing him to move on and find the right woman? "Jason, I need to go—"
"Don't!" He grabbed her arms. "I'm trying to fix it," he said urgently. "That's why I moved to Maine. I quit my damn job. I'm not going to repeat that mistake. I'm going to do it right this time." His grip softened on her arms. "I'm not going to walk away from you, Astrid. I lost everything before, and I won't lose it again. That means you, and it means our child."
"No," she shook her head, trying to pull away from him.
Jason felt his heart split when Astrid rejected him. "Astrid!" He grabbed her hand, catching her as she tried to climb over the windowsill back into the carriage house.
She spun back toward him, her eyes blazing. "Did you tell her that you loved her, Jason? When you asked her to marry you, did you promise forever? Did you?"
He swore at the agony on her face. "Shit, yeah, Astrid. I meant it, too. I had no idea things would disintegrate the way they did—"
"You couldn't have meant it! If you love someone like that, you don't have the right to stop loving them, to walk away from them—"
"I didn't walk away from her." He leapt over the windowsill, grabbing her as she stumbled away from him. "I tried to save the marriage. I made her come to Nantucket. I didn't walk away—"
"You let her get on that plane!"
"I know I did, but as God is my witness, I didn't know she was going to die when she got on that plane! I'm not that much of a bastard, Astrid!" He yanked her over to him, refusing to let her retreat. "Don't you get what I'm trying to tell you? I'm trying to show you that I fucking blew it before, and I know it, and I'm willing to do
anything
to make it work this time." He gripped her shoulders. "I won't let you down, and I won't let our child down. No matter what.
Ever.
"
"Isn't that what you said to Kate when you proposed?" Tears were streaming down Astrid's face. "Didn't you make that promise before? How can men do that? How can men make those promises and then betray them?"
And that's when he knew. Astrid wasn't talking about him anymore. She was talking about her own past. "Shit, Astrid, what did he do to you?" Jason didn't even know who the "he" was, but there was no doubt that there was a man who had eviscerated the woman in his arms.
"He left," she said. "He promised me forever. But when our son was stillborn, he left me that same day."
Jason swore, his soul breaking for the pain in Astrid's voice. "He left you in the hospital?"
She nodded. "The doctor came into my room and told us that I'd lost the baby, and he said I was still in danger. I was devastated. I was terrified I was going to die right then."
"Shit, Astrid." He started to reach for her, but she held up her hands to block him.
"The minute the doctor left, my fiancé looked at me and said that since there was no baby, he wouldn't burden his family by making me a part of it. Then he dropped five thousand dollars in cash on the bed to pay for my medical bills and walked out. I never heard from him again." She met his gaze. "I've never told anyone that before," she whispered.
"Thank you for trusting me." But even as he spoke the words, a dark, deep fury began to roil through Jason, a primal anger that seemed to lash through his veins. "Astrid."
She lifted her chin, her eyes glittering with tears she was fighting so hard to control. "Why?" she asked. "Why do men make promises of forever and love, and then turn it off and stop caring?"
As he looked at her ashen face, Jason had no answers to give her. "There are no excuses," he told her. "Your ex-fiancé was a bastard beyond words, there's no doubt about that. My guess is that he never loved you the way you deserved to be loved, and he knew he could never deliver what he promised."
She stared at him. "That's no excuse."
"No, it's not." Jason took a deep breath and reached for her hand, sliding his fingers through her cold ones. "But I'll tell you one thing. I spent thirteen years married to a woman who never loved me, not even for a minute. She married me because she wanted to marry a doctor, like her, and that never changed. I was the one who changed. When we got married, all we wanted was to be doctors. I wanted away from my past, from the burdens of family. We promised each other a dual career marriage, and I changed the rules."
Astrid frowned at him, but he could tell she was listening.
"I decided I wanted kids. I wanted a wife, not a business associate who shared my bed. I changed the rules, and she didn't want it." He gripped her hand. "This time, I know what I want, and I'm going to make it happen."
She searched his face. "What is it that you want, Jason? Our child? A woman who will be a perfect, loving mother and doting wife?"
He knew the answer should be yes, that he wanted the family, the whole package, and the scene of domestic tranquility that were the stuff of his fantasies. But as he looked at the woman standing before him and he saw the conviction in her eyes that she could not offer him any of that, he knew what answer he was going to give her. He was going to tell her the truth that she needed to hear.
"You, Astrid." He traced his finger along her hairline, brushing her hair back from her face. "You're what I want."
She closed her eyes, and he felt her body shudder in response. "How can you say that?" Her voice trembled. "You don't even know me."
"I know you're a woman who carries so much weight in her heart. You're courageous and brave, even though inside you're so soft and vulnerable that I want to cradle your heart in my hands and protect it from all the world." Astrid opened her eyes, searching his face, but he didn't stop.
"You're the woman who breathes life into my soul," he said softly as he framed her face with his hands. "You force me to step up and be the man I want to be, because you deserve no less." He pressed his lips to the corner of her mouth, smiling when she closed her eyes, losing herself in the intimacy. "Your love for your friends is so deep, but you don't know how to trust anymore." He kissed the other side of her mouth. "You make me want to lose myself in your soul, and to make the world a better place so that you can thrive and come back to life."
Her eyes fluttered open, and there was so much yearning in them that he smiled. "Plus," he whispered, "You're the sexiest woman I've ever encountered in my life. If I could make love to you every night until the end of time, it still wouldn't be enough." And then he kissed her, showing her that he meant every damn word of it.
His kiss breathed life into her very soul.
Astrid went still under Jason's kisses, almost undone by the intensity of her response to him. Dear God, it felt so amazing to be kissed by him. His lovely, heartfelt words were still reverberating through her. So many beautiful sentiments, the kind she'd dreamed of someone saying to her.
Somehow, despite her best efforts to the contrary, Jason saw her as she really was. He saw every inch of her. He'd broken through her artificially glowing exterior, delving right into the pain in her soul, just as he had that very first time they'd kissed.
He didn't care that she was scarred and damaged. He really didn't care. He still wanted her, even though he knew she wasn't all roses and flippant attitude.
See, Eppie? Not all men only want happy women.
"Kiss me, Astrid," he whispered against her lips, nudging her for a response.
Desire rolled through her, fierce longing to connect with him physically. She wanted to succumb to his demands and lose herself in his affections. God, she wanted to. But how could she expose herself to him like that? How could she make herself vulnerable? She was too caught up in him, and she knew there was no going partway. She would be head over heels in an instant, and with that she would lose all ability to protect herself from him. No matter how hard she tried to remind herself not to count on him, to prepare herself for him to leave, she knew she wouldn't be able to do it. He simply touched her soul too deeply.
She shook her head, unable to keep her breath from shuddering as he kissed her again. "It's not me that makes you feel like that," she whispered, gripping his wrists, trying to hold him at bay, at the same time she was clinging to him, afraid to let him go. "You want the baby. It's the baby. You're just trying to convince yourself you want me because you want the fairytale, and I come with it."
Anger blazed in Jason's eyes. "Fuck that, Astrid. I was in a loveless marriage for thirteen years. I was in a marriage where my soul fucking died because there was nothing to keep it alive, until my kids were born. There's no chance in hell that I'd get involved with a woman who didn't fit me. Not again. I don't have to be romantically involved with you to be a dad to our child." He laughed softly. "In fact, it would probably be a hell of a lot easier to co-parent with a woman that I was simply friends with, but that's not what I want." He pulled her close, so close that they were sharing the same breath. "No, Astrid, your appeal is all your own, and has nothing to do with the baby."
God, she wanted to believe it, but she couldn't be a fool. Not again. Yes, she felt that same connection to Jason, but they barely knew each other. It wouldn't last. It couldn't be real. She couldn't hold him to promises that he'd want to retract in a day or a week or a month. "You don't know that," she said, struggling to keep her distance, not to fall into the magical words he was weaving. "You lost your son, and because of me, you have a chance for another. There's no way to think clearly through that—"
"The night we made love there was no child at stake." He grasped her wrists and locked her hands together behind his neck. "There was simply an incredible woman, so full of pain, and yet so full of vibrancy and life." He met her gaze, letting her see the truth blazing in his eyes. "I've been dead for so many years, and moving up here was my last-ditch effort to save myself and my son. When I first saw the cafe, I thought I'd blown it. It wasn't my finest moment." He smiled, a genuine, beautiful smile that lit up his handsome face. "And then you walked in, and my heart began to beat again. You, Astrid. Nothing but you made my heart come to life again."
Tears filled her eyes, and hope leapt through her. "You make it sound so logical, like you really can feel that way about me even though we don't know each other."
"We know enough." He tangled his fingers in her hair and tugged her toward him. "Unless I'm the only one feeling this way, but I don't think I am. I feel like there's hope for the first time in a long, long time." His mouth hovered over hers, not kissing her, but so close. "Do you feel the hope, Astrid? Do you?"
She closed her eyes for a brief moment, her body trembling. "I do," she whispered. "You're a bastard for making me feel it, but I do."
A grin flashed across Jason's face, a heart-melting smile that touched her very soul. "Why thank you, my dear. I appreciate the compliment." Then his grip tightened on her hair, his arm locked around her waist, and he kissed her.
The kiss was possessive, controlling, and desperate, nothing like the kind, gentle words he'd been whispering to her. It was as if all the emotions buried inside him after the death of his wife and son had come to life, tearing through his shields and flooding them both, igniting the same intensity of need that had raged inside her for so long, desperate for an outlet.
There was no way she could stop, no chance of resistance. He simply gave her too much of what she'd craved for so long. It simply felt too right: his words, his touch, his emotions, his values. So, tentatively, carefully, she gripped the front of his shirt and kissed him back.
The moment she accepted the kiss and leaned into him, Jason gave a growl of pleasure that sent chills rushing through her. His kisses were fierce and relentless, as if he were calling to her soul and bringing it to the light.
"No making love on the grass this time," he whispered as he slid his hands down her hips and lifted her against his chest, never breaking the kiss. "Tonight, we will inaugurate your bed—"
"My bed?" Astrid had sudden panic as he carried her toward it. She'd never allowed a man in her bed before, not even Paul. She had always stayed at his place, always protected the sanctity of her bed. She'd spent too long watching the parade of men through her mother's bed, and it was the one thing she swore to always hold sacred. "No, not the bed. I—" She hesitated, frantically trying to think of an excuse that would make sense, but before she did, Jason grabbed the comforter off the bed and flung it on the floor.
He didn't ask any questions. He didn't demand answers. He didn't look at her like she was insane. He simply accepted the urgency he'd heard in her voice and gave her the space she needed, as he lowered them both toward the floor, cradling her against him.
The sense of relief was heady, rushing through her like a burst of light. Suddenly, there was no more fear, no more hesitation. For some crazy reason, Jason really did accept her for who she was, and it felt amazing. Grinning, she braced herself back on her elbows as Jason set her on the comforter. "Kiss me, you fool," she teased, relishing the lightness of her heart. "I think I've been waiting my whole life for you."
"Or at least since you met me." He moved over her with a growl, shoving her on her back with a rough kiss that made her giggle. "It's been what, a month since I ravished you? How have you been able to hold out for so long?" He bit her collarbone, making her shriek and scramble to get away.
"Stop," she laughed, almost giddy with relief that she didn't need to impress him, that she didn't need to pretend to be more together than she was.
"Never, woman." He grabbed her by the ankle and dragged her back across the blanket, a wicked grin on his face. "You're not escaping. You may not have been fantasizing about my naked body for the last month, but I've been tormented every minute of every day, reliving your kisses—" He paused to kiss her, a decadent seduction that made her body sing with need. "And wondering whether your stomach is as soft as I remembered—" He yanked up her shirt and pressed his lips to her belly, suckling and running his tongue in tantalizing circles over her skin.