Faith and Fidelity (5 page)

“Uh, sure.”

Evan laughed. “My kids have better manners than I do. Come in.”

Matt walked into the neat little house, taking in the homey touches. Pictures of the kids everywhere. Piano. The cozy couch and frilly curtains. It looked like the set of a television sitcom.

And Evan's kids sat around the kitchen table staring up at him.

“Well hi.”

“This is my friend Matt Haight.”

Matt tried to keep track of the kids as they were introduced. Miranda, the eldest, blonde and pretty, with Evan's eyes and a sharp air around her. Kathleen, also blonde, also pretty. She seemed shy, ducking her head when Matt smiled at her. Elizabeth— a real beauty with Evan's dark hair and features. She radiated warmth and enthusiastically greeted Matt. He knew he'd made an instant friend. And finally Danny, who was less forthcoming than his sisters. He sat on his hands, swinging his feet against his chair.

Evan pointed to a chair and Matt sat down, trying not to twitch under the children's unwavering gazes. He accepted a plate full of breakfast and a huge mug of coffee from Evan, who still had an apologetic look on his face.

“It's okay!”

“Are you going to the game anyway?”

Matt shrugged, remembering his table manners around the kids. He swallowed his pancakes. “Not much fun to go alone... ”

“Hey, we're having a fun family day. You like Scrabble?” Elizabeth again. She had scooted onto her knees and rested her elbows on the table, peering at Matt with a detective's intensity. All she needed was a rubber hose and spotlight.

A bit taken aback, Matt nodded. “Haven't played in a while though. Smart kid like you could probably kick my butt.”

Elizabeth considered this for a moment. “You wanna hang out with us?”

Matt glanced sideways at Evan. “Maybe some other time— sounds like fun family day is for the family only.”

Evan took note of the wistfulness in Matt's voice and gave a quick look around the table. He didn't know what to do— as much as he wanted the time with his kids he would love to have some pressure off of him, have another adult around.

Save by Miranda. “Well, yeah, but it would be okay if you wanted to hang around for a while. At least play a game of Scrabble. Maybe someone could finally beat Daddy.”

Marveling over his eldest daughter's intuition, and kindness, Evan flashed her a smile. The selfish teenager who lived in this house one short year ago had been replaced by a mature and quiet young woman. He regretted that she'd had to grow up so fast, because seventeen was far too young to be taking on so much emotional responsibility in their family. But he knew from experience that it could also help you learn compassion and kindness at a much deeper level.

“Uh, thanks, Miranda.”

Evan caught Matt's eye and winked. “You have been challenged, sir.”

A game of Scrabble turned into two. Winner of both matches— Evan Cerelli. Matt threw his hands up in defeat.

“Can't we play something easier?”

“Operation!” Danny got excited and ran upstairs to his room.

Evan laughed out loud. “You're a dead man.”

They didn't let Matt leave after Danny was crowned Operation champ. He was dragged to the video store where he won valuable points by arguing that the PG-13 movie that the kids had their heart set on wasn't particularly... PG-13ish.

They checked out with four movies.

“Hey Evan— what's that one?”

“One for the grown-ups, haven't seen this in years—
Gladiator
.”

Red-faced, Matt had to leave the store, wheezing so hard he thought he might lose a lung.

Then they headed back to the house.

“You aren't leaving yet are you, Matt?” asked Kathleen shyly.

“Guess not.”

“Hey, it's snowing.” Evan had gone to refill Matt's glass of iced tea (uncomfortably realizing that this was the first time they'd spent time together sober) and glanced out the kitchen window.

“Cool!” shrieked Elizabeth, running to the front window, with the other three close behind.

“Maybe school'll be closed!”

This brought a cheer all around.

Matt smiled up at Evan as he returned to the couch. “I remember sitting there with the radio under the covers with me, praying to every saint I could think of for my school to be called.”

Evan sighed. “Poses a bit of a logistical problem for me. I can't really take a day off.”

“If you need a quick sub, let me know. I got more than enough vacation time coming.”

“You serious? They're being on their best behavior right now. But their true personalities could easily emerge being snowbound.”

“Please, I used to work in Homicide. I can handle anything they throw at me. I'll just ply them with movies, games, junk food, vast quantities of sugar. If all that fails I'll just write each of ‘em a check.”

This cracked Evan up. “Whatever works.”

The dinner plans were changed due to inclement weather. Evan dug through the pantry, trying to come up with something, while Matt and the kids sprawled out in the living room, laughing hysterically over the movie Matt had sworn wasn't too PG-13ish.

“What did he just say?”

“Dad, chill out,” called Miranda. “It's nothing the kids haven't heard before.”

“Who are you calling a kid?!” yelled Kathleen, tossing a pillow at her sister, who quickly returned the favor.

“Hey, I'm trying to hear the curse words, learn a few new ones... if you don't mind,” yelled Matt, sending Elizabeth and Danny into hysterics.

Evan set to work making pasta, smiling as he thought what a pleasure this day was turning out to be.

The snow piled up to the window by ten p.m.

“You're not going home in this.” Matt joined Evan at the back door, surveying the blizzard in progress.

“Aw c'mon, I'm sure I could get home in like six or seven hours.”

“There's no way they'll have school tomorrow— it doesn't look like its slowing down.”

“I told you, it's not a problem for me to spend the day.”

“Seriously?”

“Lord God, but you're slow!”

“Okay, okay. If they tie you up and take your credit cards, well, you were warned.”

Danny and Elizabeth fell asleep on the floor, bookending Matt. Evan carried them up, one at a time, feeling strangely sentimental. The kids had all seemed so lighthearted today, laughing and teasing. He'd forgotten to feel desperate and empty, so filled with their sweet smiles. He loved the bantering. Loved the way they fell asleep so easily, cuddled against Matt.

He tucked his little ones in, herded Kathleen off a few minutes later— she claimed to just be resting her eyes but Evan gently pointed out that resting one's eyes for an hour is considered sleeping.

Miranda wanted to stay up and watch
Gladiator
, so the three “grown-ups” settled down and put the movie in.

“How are you getting up in the morning?”

Evan didn't meet Matt's eyes. “I'll be fine. I usually stay up this late anyway.”

Sitting in the dark, watching the flickering of the television set, Matt Haight swallowed repeatedly, trying to keep his emotions in check. This day— this long, loud, crazy day— made his heart ache. For all their devastating hurts in the past year, the Cerellis were a beautiful family. They radiated love for one another. Even Evan, whom Matt knew was feeling despair and pain every single day. He wondered what it had been like with Sherri around. He assumed, given how much each of her survivors grieved her, that she'd been nothing like his own mother.

He'd grown up with so much anger and hate and neglect. He remembered the slaps, the vicious slams— verbal and physical. Couldn't recall a day like today in his whole childhood.

The other part of his anguish came from being around Evan. Being around a depressed Evan had been bad enough— inciting all sorts of feelings to begin with— but a happy Evan? Jesus Christ. Matt had spent the whole day trying desperately not to stare at his face. He glowed. He laughed heartily. And smiled. Truly smiled. His eyes— those silver-blue eyes that woke Matt up from a dead sleep— were something to behold when he was happy. Something was happening in Matt's solar plexus that he couldn't put a name to but it scared the ever-loving crap out of him.

“Night.” Miranda yawned and pressed a kiss on her father's cheek. She reached and shook Matt's hand. “Glad you hung out with us today. It was fun.”

“Thanks, Miranda.” He couldn't have possibly expressed his gratitude to this young woman. “Next time we'll do video games and pizza.” He gave her a wink. “I'm fairly sure I can kick your dad's butt at
Area 51
.”

At Evan's perplexed expression, Matt and Miranda shared a laugh. She gave both men a wave and headed up the stairs.

Leaving Matt and Evan alone.

Matt's stomach promptly dropped five or six stories.

“So... ”

“You must be exhausted. I'm used to staying up this late.”

Busying himself with putting the DVD in its case, Matt shrugged. “You're the one who has to go to work. I'm just gonna hang out here and let your kids run wild.”

Evan filled the dishwasher, his back to Matt.

“Couch looks comfy.”

“Uh, yeah.”

“You sleep here don't you?”

“Every fucking night for a year.”

“I can take the floor... ”

“No, no... I'll sleep upstairs.”

Matt hated the resigned note in Evan's voice. The day had been such a joy, he didn't want it to end this way.

Evan kept the lights off as he got undressed. He brushed his teeth with only the night-light on. In his shorts— and his USMC T-shirt he pretended still carried Sherri's scent— he crawled under the covers, shivering in terror. Scooting all the way over to the edge on “his” side, Evan buried his face into the pillow and prayed heartily that he would quickly fall asleep. He tried focusing on the day, the kids’ happiness. Matt. He liked having him there. Liked hearing him laugh and joke with the kids. Liked the fact that he knew Evan slept on the couch and didn't act like it was a big deal.

He liked that someone understood him.

Matt lay on the couch, listening to snowplows go by every twenty minutes. He was wide-awake. The clock over the kitchen sink read 5:00 a.m. It was still dark outside; he could barely make out a moon.

He couldn't sleep because his body was humming and his mind raced miles ahead of his heart. He knew this feeling. It was a combination of lust and that giddy excitement you felt when a girl gave you her phone number and you just knew it was right and not a dry cleaner's on her block.

He rubbed his face with both hands, sighing. Things were getting out of hand. Now he was fantasizing about Evan while awake. And sober.

And then Matt heard the moaning. He held himself very still. It took only a second to realize it was a man's voice; it was Evan and the sound he was making...

Matt jumped up and went upstairs, following the sound to a room at the end of the hall.

He knocked softly, but got no response. Turning the handle he walked in, eyes adjusting to the pitch dark.

“Evan?” Matt whispered, moving toward the bed. “Evan? It's Matt. Are you okay?”

More moaning. Tossing and turning.

Matt got to the edge of the bed, and, before he could stop himself, he reached out and touched Evan's shoulder.

Cop's instinct worked even when one was asleep and Evan shot awake instantly, grabbing Matt's arm.

“Easy.” Matt used the twenty or so pounds he had on the younger man to hold him steady. “You were just having a nightmare. Relax.”

Evan was breathing heavily, and Matt felt the clamminess of his skin. Which he was feeling a lot of, suddenly realizing that he was holding Evan's forearms in his hands. And they were just inches from one another.

“Oh God.” Evan was moaning now. He pulled away, wrapping his arms around his knees. “Oh God. Please make it stop.”

Helplessly, Matt sat on the edge of the bed, tentatively reached for Evan's shoulder again.

Stroked his arm. It was like his dream.

“Don't leave me okay? I can't... I can't do this anymore,” Evan babbled. “I can't sleep. When I sleep I remember how much blood there was. She's there and I see the blood.”

“Easy. I'll stay right here. Don't worry.”

His hand moved rhythmically up and down. Up and down.

“I can't, I can't, I can't... ” Now he was crying.

Matt moved up Evan's arm to his shoulder. To the back of his head. Thank God it was dark because he didn't want to see what he was doing. He just wanted to pretend this was a dream.

“Shhh.”

Matt touched his hair, soft under his fingers. The sobs slowed down to deep, wet breaths. He squeezed the back of Evan's neck softly, sweeping his thumb against the skin. Heard the sigh that Evan made, which sent a hot thrill through Matt's body.

This wasn't a dream. Matt's hand stilled. Oh God. This was going too far. Matt pulled away and the silence swallowed him up. He waited one beat, two. Ten.

“Thanks, Matt.” Evan's voice came through the darkness. It sounded like a death rattle. “I'm just so fucking tired. I want to go to sleep.”

“Lie down.” Matt reached out and helped Evan back under the covers. “I'm going to sit here okay? Close your eyes.”

More silence. Then a sigh. “Don't leave.”

“I won't.”

Matt settled onto the side of the bed where Evan wasn't. His chest hurt like hell. His fingers burned.

“I... I... ”

“What Evan?”

“I don't mind that you touched me that way. I'm sorry.”

Matt sighed. “Why would you have to be sorry?”

“I shouldn't feel that way.”

Welcome to the fucking club.

“Evan, go to sleep. Let's not talk about this now.”

“Why did you touch me like that?”

God. Please. Not. Now.

“Go to sleep, Evan. Please. I can't do this right now.”

“Are we still friends, Matt?”

“Of course we are. Now go to sleep.”

Evan took his advice and stopped talking, for which Matt was eternally grateful. He laid next to him, listening to him breathe. Listening to the snowplows. Wondering how the hell they were going to face one another in the morning.