Faith and Fidelity (6 page)

And all Matt kept hearing in his head was Evan whispering, “I don't mind that you touched me that way.” Over and over and over again.

Evan woke up promptly at six o'clock; hadn't needed an alarm clock since the Marines. For a second he was disoriented. After not sleeping in his bed for almost a year, it felt odd to wake up on a mattress... and with someone next to him. Matt. Last night came flooding back, with a painful impact on Evan's chest as he remembered what had happened.

Well, shit.

He slid out of bed, giving a glance to where Matt lay sleeping, one arm thrown over his eyes. The weak light of a wintry morning cast a pale line across the bottom half of Matt's face, set in a slight frown.

Moving slowly, stiffly, Evan gathered his clothes from the closet and walked into the bathroom. He didn't want to wake Matt up, didn't want to have to face him. Things had gotten completely out of hand last night and Evan felt awful.

They'd never really discussed sex— strange, as men he'd think it'd be the first thing. But that was fine with Evan because his contribution was short and sweet. He'd heard about Matt's rep— hell, seen his reaction to women like Helena— it never crossed his mind that Matt also liked men. Liked him.

Suddenly so much made sense. The looks he'd caught out of the corner of his eye. The way Matt would pull his chair close during their weekly beer-and-bitch sessions. Last night. Evan's nightmare had drawn Matt into the room, his desperation and anguish had caused him to reach out.

Evan stepped into the shower and let the hot water scald his skin. He couldn't believe how things had gone wrong. His friendship with Matt had grown very important to him; he'd come to depend on it. And now it was all going to dissolve into awkwardness.

Awkward because Matt might be expecting their relationship to... progress. Awkward because Evan had told him he didn't mind the touching, which was the God's honest truth. It was a lifeline to feel Matt's hands on his arm, his shoulder, in his hair. A shiver raced over Evan's skin. The steam blinded him for a second and he leaned both hands against the tiles. He wanted— he wanted more. He wanted to have someone hold him and stroke his hair and say that everything was all right— even if he knew it wasn't.

His own sexuality had never been a question, he'd never really thought about it. He'd met Sherri at the tail end of puberty and fallen deeply in love with her— they lost their virginity together, at sixteen. And that was it. He could look at other women, acknowledge their beauty, their sex appeal, but it never crossed his mind to take it a step farther than that. Sherri turned him on. Sherri satisfied his sexual urges. So that made him straight, right?

Except this encounter with Matt had thrown him for a loop. How could he tell this man,
Yes, I felt something for you last night. No, I'm not sure what it is. I wish to God I could try and find out, but to feel this for another person is just too terrifying and overwhelming.

Matt had rolled over, facedown, sprawled across the entire mattress. Toweled dry and dressed, Evan stopped at the edge, seeing the man in his bed as if for the first time. Solidly built body, thick brown hair. He liked the way Matt's eyes smiled at him all day yesterday. Liked the way Matt walked, powerful. Commanding. Liked the way Matt's hand had touched him last night, brushing away the pain with each stroke.

Come on, Evan. Say it. Like Sherri always did.

Abruptly, Evan turned and walked out of the bedroom. He headed for Miranda's room and knocked softly on the door.

She was awake, her clock radio playing softly. The school cancellations.

“Hey, Daddy,” she said sleepily. “We're all home for the day. I just heard the elementary school announced.”

“Yeah, I figured. Listen, Matt's going to stay here for the day, until I get home.”

“Geeze— you think we need a babysitter? I'm sixteen!” Miranda came alive, sitting straight up in her bed.

“I know, I know, but humor me, okay? What if there's trouble with the furnace or the electricity? What if you need to get somewhere? You can't drive alone yet— and certainly not in this kind of weather.”

Miranda sighed her displeasure, but Evan could see she wasn't going to argue.

“Besides, he'll keep the kids busy so you don't have to entertain them all day.”

“See? Now that's a big plus— you should have mentioned that first.”

Evan had to smile at that. He crossed the room to drop a kiss on her head. “Could you try and make sure they don't torment Matt too much?” he asked as he turned to go.

“Hey, Daddy— he's real nice. I'm glad you made a friend like him.”

A pain was starting to form behind Evan's right eye. Guilt? Stress? Exhaustion? All of the above. “Yeah. And thanks for inviting him to stay yesterday. He had a good time I think.”

Miranda curled back down under the covers. “He looked lonely.”

“Yeah.”

“Bye, Daddy.”

“Bye, kiddo. I'll see you tonight.”

He shut the door behind him and hurried downstairs. He needed to get out of the house as soon as possible. Before Matt woke up. He just couldn't do this right now.

Evan jotted a quick note for him and left it on the fridge. He promised to be home as early as possible. Told him to call if there was a problem. Thanked him again for this huge favor.

And oh, by the way, about last night...

He quickly bundled up and headed for the back door— shortest distance to the car— and pulled out the shovel he left inside the broom closet. It helped him work off some of his tension to dig a quick path to the driveway.

How he managed to beat Helena— from Queens no less— to the station was beyond him. He was at his desk by nine. So was Moses. And that was the squad.

“Just you and me, dear Evan. Hey, did you know that the government has been controlling our weather patterns for the last fifty years? They have these satellites... No kidding... ”

He sighed. Couldn't he have ended up with someone less chatty?

An hour later a bedraggled Helena stomped in. She looked like someone had kicked her into a snowbank.

“It's not even Thanksgiving yet! What is this shit?!” Angrily she kicked the snow off her boots and tore off her outer layers. She looked up at Evan. Calm, cool, collected. “When the hell did you get here?”

“Tsk, tsk, someone has a potty mouth.”

“Oh shut up, Moses.”

“Well?”

Evan casually checked his watch. “An hour ago.”

“From Queens?”

“And you always make fun of me for living there. Don't you feel bad now?”

“Argh.”

Evan knew Helena hated being cold and wet. She also typically hated Moses being snarky yet cheerful and pin neat every freaking day (at least before she had two cups of coffee, then she adored him). And Evan beating her in this morning was icing on the cake.

She got down to her heavy wool pants and turtleneck/sweater combination and sat down hard on her chair. She pulled off her boots and threw them into the corner.

“No one shoveled the sidewalks from my apartment to the station house and there wasn't a subway running— forget the buses. Cabs? Please. It took me almost two hours of trudging to get here and... grrr.”

Moses snickered from his desk but wisely turned around.

Evan dropped a mug of coffee in front of her. “You okay?”

“Yeah, just crabby.”

Evan sat back down at his desk and sighed.

She gave him the skunk eye. “What?”

He opened his mouth to say “nothing” but reconsidered when he saw her look. “Long story.”

“I doubt the phones are going to ring today. All the perverts are snowed in.”

Evan cast a look over at Moses. This obviously wasn't for his ears.

Helena pursed her lips. “Captain Wolkowski here?”

“Nah,” called Moses, happily listening in. “He's still waiting for the snowplow to unblock his driveway.”

“His office is free.”

Evan nodded.

They went in and closed the door.

He was going to tell her the truth— really, honestly— but when the moment came, and she was perched expectantly on the chair, waiting, he just couldn't do it.

“Helena... uh, I met someone... recently... ”

“Uh-huh.”

“And we're good friends.”

“Uh-huh.”

“I think... I think that she's developed certain... sexual... feelings for me. And I'm pretty sure I'm starting to ah... feel the same way.” Evan cleared his throat nervously, staring down at his hands. He couldn't look at Helena's face when he did this.

“Okaayy... ”

“It's just very complicated.” Oh my God, welcome to the understatement of the year.

“Evan, I know it's tough to imagine yourself with someone... after you know, losing Sherri. But you're young and it's okay to feel an attraction to someone else. It's natural.”

Hey, Helena, there are several major religions and political organizations that disagree with that idea
. Evan bit back a hysterical laugh that'd built up in his chest.

“I guess. But that's just part of it. A pretty big part. And the other part of it is pretty big too. It would be very, very difficult for us to... move this into an intimate relationship.”

Helena didn't say anything. Evan looked out of the corner of his eye and saw her biting her lip.

He thought about Matt lying in his bed.

They sat in silence for a long time. His mind wandering away from the dangerous image of Matt. Evan thought about how long it'd been since he'd seen Helena cranky. And she hadn't yet asked him what he'd eaten for breakfast. It was nice. Normal.

“Can I just tell you how good it is to see you in a bad mood?” He finally spoke up.

“What?”

“I just meant you try so hard around me, Helena. Always up, always perky. I love you to death for trying but I really missed your crabby days. Like today.”

“So you don't like the Stepford Helena I take it?”

“Nope. I miss the grouchy one who used to tell me off occasionally.”

“You got her in spades today, partner.”

“Can you just be my friend from now on? No kid gloves. No handling me. Please.”

“Thank God. I don't think I could do perky today. My underwear is damp. And not in a good way.”

Evan laughed. He laughed into his hands until he felt tears coming. Almost lost it and told Helena the truth. Almost.

“Helena, I don't know if I can give someone what they want in a relationship.”

She reached over and gave his hand a squeeze.

“Sex?”

“Love.”

Matt woke up at nine to the sound of giggling.

“Hi, Matt!” chirped Elizabeth.

He shifted and looked down at the foot of the bed. “Hey, kids.”

Danny and Elizabeth, still in their pajamas, stood there beaming.

“There's no school today and the snow is piled up all the way past the front window! It's so cool! Can we go out and play?”

“Uh sure, Danny.” Matt sat up, rubbing his eyes. “Your dad leave for work yet?”

“A couple of hours ago,” said Miranda. Matt looked up to see her leaning against the doorjamb. Her eyes coolly surveyed the scene and he could read her confusion. What exactly was Matt doing in her parents’ bed?

“Yeah. Hey, let's get something to eat, and then we'll go out and have some fun.” Forced gaiety.
Excellent job, Matt. You fooled the junior set, but Miranda isn't going to let you off that easy. Quick. Lie
. “Your dad was a sport to give me the bed. Bad back.” He did an exaggerated stretch.

Miranda's expression didn't change, and she turned to leave. “I'll start breakfast.” And then she was gone.

Matt got up— his audience remained— and realized his clothes were downstairs. Great. “You need something to wear?” Elizabeth asked. She pointed to her father's bureau. “Daddy has clothes in there.”

Matt didn't think he'd find anything that fit— he had at least twenty pounds and a few inches on Evan— but he pulled open the drawer and looked through the things.

Dear God, please don't let anything weird happen like me getting excited because I'm looking through Evan's underwear drawer. Amen.

He grabbed some sweats— XL— socks, and a stretched out T-shirt, and went into the bathroom. When he came out a few minutes later, Elizabeth and Danny were perched on the bed, waiting for him.

“Hey, Matt, what are we going to do all day?”

The kids kept him running. Miranda eventually thawed out but he could see something was gnawing at her. They headed outside after breakfast and Matt put them to work digging out the driveway and front walk. They made a snowman.

When he found himself flat on his back, out of breath, and being pelted with snowballs, he realized (a) this was better than jogging, and (b) he was going to miss these kids if Evan came home and told him to get out.

He kept replaying it over and over in his head. The touches, the sighs, and most importantly Evan telling him he didn't mind... Jesus. He wished he could raid the liquor cabinet like a teenage babysitter. But every time he thought he'd cave, Elizabeth or Danny, or even Kathleen would flash him a wonderful smile and giggle in his direction, and he'd get this warm rush over his body. And then he'd wish that Evan were here, enjoying the moment.

Five o'clock came quickly. There'd been no calls— the city was pretty much shut down by the freak storm.

“I'm going to leave now.”

“Okay.”

“You want a ride?”

“Duh.”

Evan smiled. “Moses?”

“I'm going to stick around. Brownnose the boss for a bit.”

Wolkowski sat in his office, his feet up, taking a nap.

“Have fun.”

They left. The snow had stopped hours ago but the cleanup was still underway. Traffic crawled. A few people hurried along the sidewalks.

“I don't think I've ever driven in this much snow with you. You safe?”

“I'm a brilliant driver. Shut up and get in.”

“So what's going to happen with your lady friend?”