Dx
I hid the card in my handbag and took a deep breath. This had to be over. Whatever this was, it couldn’t continue. Not even the email flirting. It was all too dangerous, too frightening, too intense. And I was engaged.
I threw myself into work and by the time people began to arrive, my was head down. During the course of the day, I managed to catch up on the work that had built while I was absorbed in the presentation pitch.
I jumped three feet out of my chair when Patricia came over that afternoon.
“Sorry, I didn’t mean to frighten you!” We both laughed. “I hear you did a fabulous job yesterday.”
“Did you? That’s so nice, thanks. To be honest, I really enjoyed it more than I expected to. I’d love to get involved again if and when the need arises.”
“I’m so pleased to hear you say that
, because I have a bit of an ulterior motive. David had a potential new client call in earlier today about representing them through a sale process. It’s a small chain of boutique hotels. Palmerston—have you heard of them?”
I shook my head.
“David said you acted on the Daleton sale, so you have some good industry experience. And because you did so well yesterday, you seem to be the perfect candidate for this pitch and presentation. What do you think?”
“Wow
, that’s great. I’d love to help! How do we get started?” This was just what I needed: an overload at work so I didn’t have to think about anything going on at home.
“Well, that’s the only catch. We only have until next Tuesday to prepare. They aren’t doing a two-stage process; they’ve just invited three firms to present and take questions next Tuesday afternoon. There’s a lot to do, but this would be phenomenal for the firm, it would really cement our expertise in this sector.”
“Sounds good. When’s the kickoff meeting?”
“Tomorrow at 8 a.m. I’ll send you some background reading in the meantime. Beautiful flowers
, by the way.”
Great, I was going to be too busy to think!
I took Patricia’s reading home with me, so I left the office at a decent hour and stopped by the supermarket on the way home to pick up some food and a bottle of merlot—no Rioja—for dinner tonight. It was a fresh start, a new day.
I just needed to email Daniel to say thank you for the flowers, and I needed to ensure he was clear there would be no more
time-outs and then that would be the end of things. I would start my amends-making by preparing and enjoying dinner with my fiancé.
Every time I started to write my goodbye email to Daniel, I managed to distract myself. I told myself I had to give Deb some comments on her note from yesterday’s call before I wrote the email. I had to book a hair appointment
. I had to give Brendan my filing and go through my schedule for next week with him—by 3 p.m. I realized that I was just rude for not thanking him for the flowers and dinner last night. There was no way around it: I had to email him, and I had to do it then. I volunteered to do a coffee run again and started typing in the queue.
Thank you so much for the flowers
. They are quite beautiful. You seem to have access to my most private thoughts; white roses are a particular favorite of mine, but I’ve never received them from anyone until now.
You said last night that you require transparency in your life
, so I want to be completely clear with you—I had a truly wonderful evening last night. Thank you, but I’m back in reality now and I realize that we can’t pursue whatever there is between us. I hope that doesn’t sound presumptuous of me; I have no idea if you think there is something between us and no idea if you want to pursue it, but I know how I feel. I feel something and if circumstances were different ... but they’re not and I can’t get in deeper than I already am.
I’m so thankful we had last night.
Lx
That was the end of it. I logged out of my email and went to shower and change before starting on dinner. There was a finality about the tears that ran down my face during my shower that was reassuring. I just let them out, knowing they were for Daniel and therefore couldn’t be a part of me anymore.
When I came out of the shower, I had received a text from Charlie saying he would make it home tonight but not before dinner and for me to go ahead without him. Oh well, that gave me time for me to do the reading I guess.
I was starting to feel a bit more settled when Anna called later that evening. I didn’t tell her about meeting Daniel. I probably would at some point soon, when I felt a bit less raw.
“Can you do drinks on Friday?”
“I think so, yes. I have to go into work
this weekend, though, so I can’t have a late night. Is Fran up for it as well?”
“No, I’m not inviting her. There’s something not right with that girl
. I’ve barely seen her, and when I have she’s so moody. And to top it all she says she isn’t drinking this month. Now, you can’t tell me that’s normal behavior from Fran.”
“Well
, abstinence from alcohol is bound to cause moodiness.” I tried to lighten her mood.
“Agreed, let’s change the subject. How are things with Charlie?”
“Better, I think. I’ve not really seen him since Sunday. He’s been working so hard, but things seem to be on the right track.”
“Well, that’s good, Leah, but remember that you need to know this is right for you for the rest of your life.”
“I know, I know.”
“Have you told your parents yet?”
“No, not yet.”
“Leah, how come?” Wasn’t that the sixty-four-thousand-dollar
question.
“I will, when it’s right.” I wasn’t quite sure what I meant by
“right,” but Anna took the hint and we spent the rest of our call gossiping about news of intra-law firm indiscretions. There was more than enough material to keep us busy for a lifetime. Anna was always good at cheering me up and vice versa—tonight was no exception.
As I was finishing off my reading, my email pinged and my stomach lurched. He wouldn’t have replied would he? Apparently, he would.
It’s not presumptuous. I feel it, too. I’m fully aware of your situation and I understand it would be easier if I stayed away, but it’s not an option. I’m not going anywhere, Leah. X
I was in deep trouble.
His mouth was on my neck, licking and sucking and groaning my name. My back arched as he slowly and frustratingly trailed his tongue from my throat to my stomach. It was almost too much. I felt on the edge of consciousness, as if I were about to pass out from the ecstasy of it. I was so desperate for him. I pushed my hands through his hair and he groaned again as he dragged his thumbs across my nipples, again and again. He kissed and licked further and further down my body. His hands reached under me and pulled me closer to his mouth; his tongue reached my clit and I moaned, “Oh, please, yes.”
A
nd I sat bolt upright at the same moment Charlie came out of our bathroom.
“Leah, are you
OK?”
“Yes, I just saw the time—I’m so late.” I jumped out of bed and
ran past Charlie and straight into the shower. Had I said that aloud?
Daniel was right
: He wasn’t going anywhere. He was front and center of my mind all day and every day and now he seemed to be invading my nights as well. There must be a way to block him out, to shut down my desire for him.
I hadn’t responded to his last email. What could I possibly say that wasn’t some kind of lie to Daniel or betrayal of Charlie? I had already said that I felt something for him but I couldn’t act on
it; there was nothing to add. He hadn’t emailed since.
Thankfully, it was Friday. I was distracted this week at work, which wasn’t like me at all. I needed to get my head together this weekend and start next week fresh. I was meeting Anna tonight and I was going to tell her about meeting Daniel for dinner. After all, it was history, and so I could try to pass it off as just a catch-up with an old friend
... which it was.
After a day working on the
Palmerston presentation and trying to fend off urgent emails, I walked into the Chancery Bar. Anna was there with Brendan, of all people. This town could be so small at times.
“Hey
, you two, are we having a threesome?” I quipped.
“Darling, you couldn’t handle that
. No I’m just waiting for a date and passing the time gossiping. Unfortunately, now that you are engaged we have no gossip about you. It’s dull now that you are official. No will-they, won’t-they. It’s all white roses and wedding planning.” Brendan was rolling his eyes.
“Why white roses?” My stomach turned at Anna’s question. Of course she would pick up on that.
“Ugh, Charlie sent a huge bouquet of white roses to the office this week. Makes me want to heave,” Brendan said.
Anna looked at me and I looked away and Brendan kept rattling on about how boring my love life was and how awful weddings were. I just smiled and let him get on with it
while I contemplated the awkward questions I would get from Anna when Brendan’s date finally arrived. After about ten minutes, Brendan dropped us like stones and I braced myself for Anna’s questions.
Once he was out of earshot
, Anna turned to me. “So, I’m going to order another bottle of wine and while I’m gone you can decide whether I’m going to have to interrogate you or if you are going to explain willingly what is going on, Leah.”
“
No waterboarding will be necessary. Get some wine.” There was no point in trying to pretend the flowers were from Charlie. Anna knew him better than that.
In the end
, I told Anna that Daniel and I had met for a drink to reminisce about old times and that Daniel had indicated he was interested but I can been clear that I was engaged. I didn’t mention the subsequent email exchange. She seemed satisfied and didn’t push things further. I think it helped that she had other news.
“So, you know how Fran has been really moody recently and not drinking?” I was only half
-listening while wondering whether Anna had really dropped her questioning of Daniel and me.
“Leah, are you listening? Fran is
pregnant
.”
“Are you serious?” I
whispered loudly.
“Totally and completely serious. She’s about three months apparently. She told me last night because I confronted her about her weird
behavior.”
“Is it the DJ
’s? Or that barman’s? Does she know?”
“She said she was pretty sure that it was some random guy she met in a club one night
. I don’t think she’s holding out much hope that he’s going to make an honest woman of her. I don’t think she’s even planning to tell him. I don’t know. It’s a lot to take in for her, I guess.”
Fran didn’t want anyone knowing
, so I was instructed by Anna to pretend I didn’t know until she was ready to tell me.
Discussions over Fran’s situation took the rest of the bottle of wine
, and, as selfish as it was, it was a welcome distraction to the Daniel drama that was going on in my head. Not that that would last for long.
I checked my personal email in the cab on the way home. There it was: another
message from Daniel, and the end of my distraction. I felt relief knowing he hadn’t given up. Would he want us to meet again?
I dreamt of you last night. I dreamt of you in my bed, of the taste of your skin, the sounds you made as I touched you and your beautiful face as I made you come.
x
M
y stomach flipped and my cheeks blushed. I’d never had a man be that direct with me before and it was, well, hot. We were dreaming of each other now. I felt like he was running at me at 100 miles an hour and I wasn’t sure whether to get out of the way or stand here while he crashed into me.
Charlie was in front of the TV when I got in, his feet up on the coffee table and a beer in his hand.
“Hey, there. Did you have a good night with Anna?”
I couldn’t look at him. I was convinced the he would be able to read my expression and see that I was thinking about someone else. I needed to pull his focus from me. I needed to think about something else.
“Yes, it was great. But oh my goodness, Charlie, you will never believe it. Fran has gone and got herself pregnant.”
He
actually turned to look at me. “What do you mean? No she hasn’t.”
I really shouldn’t have told Charlie, I wasn’t
supposed to tell anyone. I was just desperate for us to be talking about anything other than us.
“So whose baby is it? Is she going to keep it?” Charlie went on.
“I don’t know, and I think so. She wants to do it on her own, apparently. Anyway, I’m tired. I’m going to bed. Are you coming?” I really hoped he said no.
“No, I’m going to finish watching this
. I’ll be in in a bit.”
I went into the bathroom, locked the door, and took out my phone to read that
email again.
***
The weekend passed without me replying to Daniel and without him emailing again. Other than going to a birthday dinner for a friend of Charlie’s on Saturday night, Charlie and I didn’t spend much time together. I went to the gym. Charlie seemed to spend most of Saturday in the office and then in bed on Sunday.
Things were strained between us on Saturday night
, but maybe I was making more of it than was actually there. Maybe things were always like this and I hadn’t noticed before. But would I be thinking like this, questioning like this, if I wasn’t getting this attention from Daniel? I was just imagining the grass on the other side of the fence. I was being immature. I’d been happy for six years and suddenly, because someone else was interested, I was starting to question what I’d previously been happy with.
Maybe.
But I think Anna had a point when I had said the same thing to her on Friday night. I’d had these thoughts before Daniel came along. I hadn’t told my parents about the engagement before Daniel. Charlie and I had stopped talking, stopped connecting, before Daniel.
I was relieved to get back to work on Monday. I wanted to be out of the flat. It seemed everywhere I was, I wanted to be somewhere else
. Nowhere was comfortable.
I redoubled my efforts to throw myself into work. I was so busy on the
Palmerston presentation that I didn’t have time to think. Monday whizzed by. Charlie didn’t come home until after I was asleep on Monday, and I couldn’t wait to get to work on Tuesday. I had a bigger part of the presentation to deliver this time; I’d prepared well and was feeling confident. It was just David and me presenting today, so more pressure, but I had done this before.
When we arrived at the
Palmerston offices, David and I were herded into a huge meeting room with views of St Paul’s. It was awesome, despite the gray drizzle. I could just make out Lady Justice on top of the Old Bailey. London was distractingly beautiful. Finally our audience arrived: the General Counsel and his assistant, Jim, and Emily. Jim was one of those men who looked friendly; he was chubby and wearing a tie that probably hadn’t been on sale since 1987, but it suited him. He couldn’t stop smiling. It was comforting; I liked him and felt more at ease. We all swapped business cards—I noticed Jim’s title was General Counsel of Gematria Enterprises. I’d heard of them, but couldn’t think where. I thought this was Palmerston?
Jim gave us a brief introduction to the
Palmerston Hotels.
“The hotels were the beginning of this business and we are very proud of them, a bit emotionally attached to them
. Even the CEO—he might join us. He wants our advisors to understand this is not just a business deal for Gematria. It’s more than that; it’s personal.”
R
ealization crept up my body. Oh god. This was Daniel’s company. I was sitting in his meeting room. I wanted to run. Did he know I was here?
“Excuse me
. I just need to use the ladies room.”
I just reached the bathroom when the floor started to move beneath me. I crashed into one of the stalls and sat down with my head in my hands.
What was going on? Did Daniel know I was here? Had he planned this or was it fate? He couldn’t have known I would be involved. There were over 500 lawyers at my firm. It was surely just a coincidence. I needed to man-up and get back in that room before I threw away my career.
I splashed some water on my face and tried to steady my breathing. This was work and nothing else. I reapplied some makeup and took another deep breath and strutted back to the meeting room.
Something was different when I entered the room; the air was heavier than it was before.
Jim smiled at me. “Leah, this is Daniel Armitage, our CEO
. I said he might be joining us. This is a very personal project for all of us.” My mouth dropped open as my eyes followed Jim’s line of vision.
“Leah.” Daniel extended his hand looking right at me. The room fell away and I found myself staring at his hand. Covering for me, he grabbed my right hand with his. His hands felt soft and enveloped mine and I closed my eyes. He abruptly pulled away and invited me to take a seat.
I sat down and refocused. I could do this. He didn’t mention that we knew each other, so I followed his lead and pretended he was a stranger.
Oh god, had he invited my firm to pitch because of me? Was this meeting to see me? He took his seat at the head of the table and addressed David. His hair was glossy and the perfect length for running my fingers through—
Focus, Leah.
He completely commanded the table. No one was able to take their eyes from him, especially not me. I found myself studying his lips and absentmindedly reached for my
own as I imagined what his would feel like on mine. My eyes moved down to his broad chest covered in his expensive suit and tie.
And that’s when I noticed. That distinct band of gold on his left ring finger. I looked from his left hand up to his eyes for the first time since we shook hands and he caught my eye and I looked down again to check I wasn’t imagining what I’d seen. He must have realized what I was looking at and he
instinctively covered his left hand with his right and shifted uncomfortably in his seat. My breath caught in my chest.
I caught him in his lie.
The rest of the meeting was a blur. I was on autopilot—I spoke at all the right points and in the same way as we had rehearsed, but I didn’t have any conscious control over anything. It just happened. I addressed everything I said to Jim and Emily. I could feel Daniel watching me, but I couldn’t look at him. I was worried I would blurt out, “You’re married! You told me you were divorced! I’ve been questioning my relationship because of you!” Of course I didn’t. And then we were packing up our papers and being seen to reception. Daniel was called away before we said goodbye.
“Good job
, Leah.” David said on the walk back to the office.
“Really? I was so nervous that I wasn’t sure what I said.”
“No, really excellent Even better than last time. I think they liked us.”
Thank goodness. That’s what good preparation rewarded you with
, I thought. I was right to throw myself into work. And now I had no reason to be distracted. Daniel was married, I was engaged. That was the end of that.
Back at my desk, David came over
. “Leah, I’ve just had a message from Daniel Armitage’s office. He’d like another copy of our presentation. Can you walk it over?”