“I think it’s more complicated than that. Look, I was flirting with Daniel, I’ve kissed another man. That was a betrayal of Charlie.”
“Jesus, Leah, you and Daniel was or is a mild flirtation. Fran’s pregnant, and she’s a close friend. You get that, don’t you?” I didn’t respond—the wound felt fresh again. She was going to have the life I was meant to have.
“In the words of Barbara Streisand and Donna Summer
, 'enough is enough.' No more tears. Not tonight, anyway.” I did manage a half-chuckle at that. “Let’s fully embrace denial this evening and then tomorrow morning between 10 and 11:30 I will allow you to wallow again, and then it’s back to that river in Egypt—Denial—for the rest of the day. We’ve got to at least fake-enjoy ourselves in this beautiful hotel with this beautiful weather. Not to mention the beautiful barman! Deal?”
“Deal.” I responded. That sounded fair.
***
The next morning, I was awake early and managed to go to yoga and then run on the treadmill in the gym. I actually could feel myself beginning to feel a bit more normal. Anna was very patient with me during my allotted wallowing time.
She didn’t know if they were in love.
She agreed that Charlie’s family would hate Fran.
She thought that Charlie would get bored with her within six months.
We decided that even if they did end up trying to have a normal relationship together they would definitely cheat on each other and maybe eventually just become swingers. Finally, we agreed that they might give each other a disease and debated for some time which particular STD that would be. I felt a lot better getting all that out. It felt like I had a least bought my ticket for the healing train and it was about to depart.
The rest of the day consisted of the complex juggling of naps, reapplication of sunscreen, discussions of who would likely be Tom Cruise’s next wife together with the stop start of the cerebral novel Anna had packed for me followed by the inevitably more lengthy study of US Weekly.
My next period of slumber brought a dream of Daniel, that beautiful scent of his, his powerful hands down my back and over my breasts, his tongue digging insistently into my mouth while he pressed himself up against me, hard as stone
... I felt myself slide back into consciousness as a cloud created a shadow over me and a shiver ran through me, my nipples beading. Even out of my dream I could almost smell that delicious masculinity that enveloped him. I needed to cool off in more ways than one – a dip in the pool seemed the obvious solution.
I opened my eyes and realized Anna wasn’t next to me
. I forced myself to sit upright, to seek her out, but my view was blocked by a silhouette, which was also shielding me from the sun.
“She’s at the bar
,” a familiar voice informed me. I blinked a couple of times, my eyes blurred from sleep and the bright sun, trying to make sense of the voice ... and the smell.
“Oh my god!” I jumped up from my lounger and pulled my beach towel in front of me. “Daniel, what on earth
...? Are you crazy?” I shrieked.
He just looked at me but didn’t say anything. I wrapped the towel around myself and grabbed a
t-shirt from my beach bag. I couldn’t understand what he was doing here, but he looked so great in a crumpled white linen shirt and khaki cargo shorts, and his aviator sunglasses pushed back into his inky black hair. I’d never seen him in casual clothes, I realized. He looked younger. He looked wonderful. His muscular frame was much more pronounced without the structure of a suit. I pulled myself out of my perusal of his body and brought my eyes to his. He was just looking at me, patiently, and I looked away and blushed, embarrassed at the memory of his rejection of my advances.
Very calmly
, he simply said, “Do you want to have this conversation here in front of your fellow guests or shall we go somewhere more private?”
“What conversation? Why do we need to have a conversation?”
“Come on, Leah, not here.” And he took my elbow and guided us toward our suite. I shrugged him off, unable to bear the scorching heat I felt when his hand touched me.
Apparently he knew which room we were staying in as we arrived back at the suite without having exchanged a single word. Once inside I pushed open the balcony doors and stood against the balustrade facing the sea.
“I was worried. I didn’t know where you were, and I needed to see for myself that you were OK,” he said simply.
“So you flew to Mexico?”
“Leah, I told you I have to have you safe. I have to have you happy.”
“So you flew to Mexico?” I repeated.
“You ran off when I last saw you and then wouldn’t answer your phone or emails, and you weren’t at work.”
“
So you flew to Mexico?
Don’t you think that’s a slight overreaction?”
“Well
, given your reaction to my being here, I understand that you think it might be an overreaction. But come on, give me a break. I don’t know how to deal with this. I’m doing my best.”
“What? What are you dealing with?”
“These feelings that I have. The fact that your happiness and safety seem to have become my priority over anything else in my life.”
I tried to process what he was saying. Were his feelings romantic? Well, no clearly not after his clear rejection of me in his office. I suppose we had a history of sorts and so he felt protective of me.
“Oh.”
“So, you’re alive, which I’m relieved about. How are you feeling? Are you having a good time?”
“Erm, I am actually. And I’m healing. I just need some time to pass and I will be OK.” I actually meant was I was saying. I was actually much more OK than I expected.
“I’m so sorry that I had to tell you
...”
“Don’t be. It’s better that I found out when I did.”
“Why did you run off, out of my office, if you’re not angry with me for showing you those photos?”
Oh god, I inwardly groaned at being brought back to that humiliating scene. Was he really going to make me relive it
?
“I’m sorry. I get it. I really do
,” I mumbled. “Why would you want me? I was just feeling emotional. I’m sorry.”
“You think I don’t
want
you? You think I stopped things escalating between us because I didn’t
want
you?” He laughed and flung his hands into his hair. “It took every ounce of self-control I had not to rip your underwear off you and fuck you into next year. I’ve told you this. I get hard whenever you look at me.”
I couldn’t resist
: I lifted my eyes to look at him. He grabbed my hand and pushed it over his thickening erection. There was no mistake over what I was feeling. I felt wanton, standing there with my hand on him. He removed his hand from over mine but I stayed where he left me, looking directly at him. He groaned, stepped away, and turned his head out toward the sea. He hadn’t rejected me in his office; he had wanted me. But he had pulled away, just like now. But why? He answered my question before I asked it.
“I feel so raw around you
, Leah, like you could rip my heart out without really trying. I was trying to protect myself
and
you. I can’t have you want me because you want to get revenge on Charlie, or because you want to drown out your pain. And I couldn’t bear to think I was taking advantage of you at such a vulnerable time. But make no mistake: There is no minute of my day that I don’t want you.”
Daniel was leaning on the balustrade
, looking out to sea. I brought my hand to his back and smoothed his crumpled linen shirt.
“Thank you.” It
was all I could think to say. I was thankful that he had stopped things in his office. I would have hated myself if I had ended up having sex with him after just finding out about Charlie. He was right, I would have been partly—mostly—using him. I was thankful that he was so open, so vulnerable with me. No man had ever talked about his feelings for me like Daniel did.
I was thankful that he cared so much he had
flown to freaking Mexico
to make sure I was OK.
I was thankful he was in my life.
Daniel stood up and pulled me into his chest. I snaked my arms around his waist, and we stayed there for what seemed like hours, both looking out to the sea. Eventually, he sighed and kissed me on top of my head. I looked up at him and smiled.
“I need to go. My flight leaves soon.”
“You’re going back? You’re not staying?”
“No, I have to get back. You need this time
; you need to heal. I can be patient, for a short while at least,” he said with a grin. Hand in hand, we made our way to the reception area and were told that his car was waiting. He kissed me on the forehead and then slid into the car.
Just before the car sped away, he brought down the window and looked at me
. “When you get back, be ready, Leah, because I’m coming for you.”
I couldn’t wipe the grin off my face as I wandered back to the pool and bounced back onto my lounger. Anna looked ove
r. “Are you OK?”
“Yes, actually.”
“Have you been off flirting with Brad the buff barman?”
“His name’s not Brad—it’s Carlos
, and no, I just saw Daniel off to the airport.”
After considering all her options (
stalkerish, mentally unstable, serial killer-like, possessive, etc. etc.) Anna finally settled on Daniel’s flying to Mexico to make sure I was OK as being romantic, but a bit over the top.
I could live with that. To me it felt lovely,
caring, and yes, romantic. Apart from anything else, I no longer worried about him pushing me away in his office or about working on the Palmerston deal. Two things less to worry about in less than an hour sounded good to me. Perhaps if I was listening to it happening to someone else it would have been different and I would have thought it was a bit weird, but Daniel seemed to lay himself bare for me. I couldn’t do anything but take his explanation and accept it.
My mood improved no end after that. I still had my 10 a.m. to 11:30 a.m. moping period of going over and over what had happened with Anna, both speculating
about how long things had been going on and whether they would stay together, get married, and raise the baby together, or if they would split up and Fran would end up as a single mother on benefits and if Charlie would be disinherited and forced to live on just the six figures that he got in salary each year.
It was painful and awful and horrifying
, but outside of those times my denial didn’t seem like denial so much. I found myself genuinely enjoying myself—it wasn’t hard with all that sunshine and all inclusive alcohol.
Daniel had given me a phone before he had left.
A new number, a new start
, he had said. His number was the only one programmed in. He texted me twice a day: once when he woke up and once before he went to sleep. Just little messages about his day, about him thinking of me, asking about my day. It wasn’t too much; it was just what I needed.
Three days before we were due to leave and a little over a week after Charlie and Fran’s affair had been exposed
, I decided I was going to use the lobby computer to email Charlie. From a practical point of view, I would have to contact him at some point and I’d rather do it when I was 5000 miles away, without the black cloud of dread of having to do it when I got back to London. I wanted to return to a new life, not to the remnants of my old one. Anna came with me and sat on the next terminal, checking her email. I had no idea what I would find in my inbox.
There were 12 emails from Charlie in total. I laughed in resignation. That was the best he could do. No dramatic flight out to come and find me, not even a
phone call to the hotel. If he’d even called my parents, they would have emailed me to find out what was going on, but he hadn’t even done that. I guess his ego wouldn’t let him. So there it was, just 12 emails. Now I knew exactly how much I was worth to him.
They started with him confused about where I was and then when he realized I’d moved out he was angry. It dawned on him the following day that I had discovered his affair. That’s when the apologies started. Then the excuses flowed
, followed by copious amounts of blame.
I was relieved I’d not read these until now. I couldn’t say I didn’t care and wasn’t wounded by his words
, but now I was resigned to it. It occurred to me that I didn’t really need to read the emails to know what they would say. It was no shock that he wouldn’t really cop to it, wouldn’t take responsibility. For the first time I understood how weak that was, how unattractive he was to me. How had I not realized before? He didn’t care about me or my feelings. It was Charlie’s world and I just lived in it.
I typed out a response to him. Ignoring everything he had said I simply talked about practicalities: the joint account, the household bills in my name that needed to be changed
, etc., etc. There was nothing else to say. I didn’t care anymore why he had done what he had done. It had happened and it told me all I needed to know about him and our relationship. I was right to have had my doubts about our engagement—about him—and I began to realize that those doubts hadn’t forced Charlie to sleep with Fran.
***
Anna insisted I move in with her when we got back to London, and I was grateful. The thought of flat-hunting and then living on my own for the first time ever seemed like too much change for me at the moment. And she had a great place within walking distance of work. I put some of my stuff in storage before we went on vacation, but my room was big enough to have enough around me that made me feel at home and there were some bits of mine scattered throughout the kitchen and living areas.
Daniel was in New York for the few days after we got back. We had agreed to have our first official date on the following Saturday. My jetlag would be gone
, but hopefully my tan wouldn’t have faded—the perfect combination!
Going back to work was easier than I expected. Going in on the first day was helped by my tan, that glossy sheen sun kissed hair takes on and a killer new outfit that was as tight as, the neckline as low as, was possible while still being professional. I looked great, even if I did say so myself. I took Brendan out for a coffee and explained what had happened. I knew by doing that I wouldn’t have to repeat the story to people asking about my sudden and unexpected holiday—Brendan would do that, which suited me.
My drama was overtaken by lunchtime by the fact that an email was circulated by one of the partners in another department announcing he was gay. He had been married 25 years. Of course Brendan couldn’t wait to tell me that he had suspected all along. It really put Charlie cheating on me, albeit with a close friend of mine, into perspective.
I hadn’t spoken to Daniel since he left Mexico
, but our texts were becoming more regular, particularly since being back in London. It was just friendly, inconsequential stuff, not pushy, not sexy, just light and nice.
When Saturday arrived, after feeling serene for the week, my anxiety kicked in. I was suddenly terrified. I didn’t think I could see him. He probably had a girlfriend in New York
. He seemed to be there all the time. I’d heard about pilots leading double lives, having two families living on separate continents. Daniel might not be married to his English wife anymore but what about his life in New York? I didn’t want to open myself up to potential new heartache. It would be so much easier just to cancel our date. A Chinese takeaway and The Vow on DVD seemed like a much safer option.
I lay in bed, staring at the ceiling, thinking up excuses to give to Daniel.
Anna wandered in. “So, are you excited? What are you going to wear?”
“I don’t think I can do it. I’m going to cancel
. It’s too soon.” Anna got into bed beside me but didn’t say a word. We both lay there. “Anyway, it was a bit too much that he flew to Mexico to see me. For goodness sake, who does that? No one, that’s who. I think he might have a problem and I don’t need another man with a problem. I just got rid of one. And he bought me a phone. That was weird. I think it’s all a bit weird. A bit too much. And he probably has a wife in New York. And he’s too good-looking. I could never trust a man that good-looking. His face is offensive it’s so handsome. He must have women throwing themselves at him. I just can’t do it.”
“Have you finished?” Anna asked after I stopped rambling and my breathing returned to normal. “Daniel is not Charlie
, Leah. He seems to genuinely care for you. And he’s not going to kidnap you and whisk you off to Vegas and force you to marry him—it’s just dinner. You enjoy his company, so why wouldn’t you have dinner with him? But, if you feel it’s too soon, then maybe it’s too soon. Only you know for certain.”
“When did you get so grown
-up and wise?”
“It’s a curse. I’m great at talking sense to other people, it’s just I don’t always follow my own advice.”
So I decided the best plan was to try and push through my anxiety and at least start to prepare for the evening. I could always cancel later but I could at least try. So after a trip to the gym, a body scrub, and long hot soak in the tub I went and got a mani-pedi and a blow dry.
When I got back to the flat Anna was on the phone to her man of the moment Greg, the paramedic. I suddenly felt
bad; she must have been neglecting him because she had been spending so much time with me. What was I doing, thinking of dating some new guy when my best friend was still having to coddle me like a five year old? I grabbed my phone from inside my bag and went into my bedroom to text Daniel to cancel.
Hey, I seem to have a really bad headache coming on
, Maybe we should reschedule?
I changed into my favorite raspberry silk robe, and I slumped back onto my bed. Was I doing the right thing?
Within a minute I heard the familiar ping of a new text.
Is this a real
‘I’m sick so bad I can’t have dinner with an old friend’ headache, or is it an ‘I’m freaking out and making myself sick by overthinking things’ headache?
He completely called me out, in the nicest possible way. God
, that was sexy.
...
the second option I think. L
OK
, well I have a cure for that. Are you at Anna’s flat? D
...
what do you mean, cure? L
I got no response. I didn’t quite know what to do at that point. I guess dinner wasn’t cancelled but my anxiety was alive and kicking. I went into my
ensuite bathroom and started putting on my makeup. Anna came strolling in in her running clothes, an iPod strapped to her upper arm. “I’m off for a run. Are you going to cancel dinner or get over Charlie by getting under Daniel?” I play-slapped her on her arm but couldn’t help but giggle.
“I’m not getting under anyone
, Anna! I’ve texted to say that I might have to cancel but I’ve not decided properly yet.”
“In the words of Charlie Brown
, good grief.” Anna headed out for her run.
About two seconds later I heard her scream at the top of her voice
. “Leah! Can you come here a sec?”
Jesus, it was only a small flat, I’m sure a number of Parisians would have heard that. “Coming.”
As I entered the living room I saw Anna escape just before the door closed, and then I became aware of a very tall, handsome, delicious-smelling man coming toward me.
What was Daniel doing here
? He wasn’t meant to pick me up for an hour. As he came closer I started backing away from him, but he just kept on moving closer and closer toward me and I kept moving backward. The next thing I knew, my bottom met the wall and there was nowhere to go. Daniel didn’t stop until his whole body was pressed against mine, his hands resting on my shoulders, his index fingers stroking my neck. I was pinned to the wall, unable to move.
“Hey
, stranger,” he said.
“Hey stranger
, yourself,” I said, filling my lungs with that beautiful scent.
“You look perfect
. I’m clearly not too early.”
“Daniel, I’m not even dressed yet.”
“Like I said, perfect.” And he trailed one hand down from my neck, down my décolletage, and back up to my chin.
“So, talk to me
. What are you overthinking?”
I couldn’t speak
. Daniel’s other hand moved from my neck and trailed down the outside of my robe, past my waist, behind me, over and down to the back of thigh, then up to my waist again. A path of fire seemed to follow his fingers, and every part of my body became hypersensitive to his touch. His growing hard-on pressed into my stomach and I gasped.
This man was like a snake charmer. I was
hypnotized by him. I brought my arms around his neck but he pulled them off and pinned me to the wall with just his hips. He brought my arms above my head and held them there with one hand, trailing his other tantalizingly down my body. In a quick movement he parted the robe at my waist, his eyes not leaving mine as he trailed his index finger from my navel lower and lower until he reached between my thighs and trailed his finger along my slit forward and backward, deliciously slowly, I gasped and turned my head, blushing.
“Look at me
, Leah,” he commanded. “And talk to me. Tell me what you are feeling now.”
He pushed his thumb against my clitoris, and started to circle my nub in an unrelenting rhythm. Not daring to break his gaze
, I bit my lip and simply moaned, unable to form words.
“You don’t feel like you are freaking out
,” he whispered. “You feel hot ...and wet around my fingers.”
I felt the pleasure intensifying and before I lost the last vestiges of control
, I tried to twist my body to dislodge his thumb.
“No, you don’t.” He pushed me harder into the wall with his hips and his thumb increased its pressure, circling again and again. “You are going to stay right there
, baby, looking straight at me while you come. I’ve been dreaming of what you would look like when I touched you like this: fighting against pleasure because you are so desperate to keep control, keep a lid on yourself. You just need to accept that you will give yourself up to me.” His thumb sharply changed direction.