Faithfully (19 page)

             
“So why the shitty mood?” I walked over to the boardwalk railing and leaned against it.

             
“I walked into the gas station this morning and saw a picture of Alex and Paige splashed on the cover.” Johnny looked at me like as if he couldn’t understand why it was such a big deal. “He had his hand on her lower back and was leaning into her.” He got it at that point.

             
“Those sleaze bag magazines make their money on those kinds of pictures. They make something harmless look awful.” He leaned against the railing next to me.

             
“I know. That’s what Derek said.” Johnny let out a laugh. “What?”

             
“I think it’s funny or actually cute the relationship you have with Derek and Lexi.” I turned and looked at him to see his facial expression and he was being sincere. “Honestly, Alex loves you and he isn’t going to go after a piece of tail like Paige and ruin what he has with you.” He paused for a minute. “Plus she is annoying as fuck. I want to kill her and I was only in the room with her less than an hour.” I couldn’t help myself. I had to laugh a little.

             
“You told me before that Alex couldn’t stay faithful, and that he would cheat like he has done to everyone in the past.” I saw the expression on his face change.

             
“I wanted to hurt you then and scare you away. I was jealous of you two and I still am. He loves you and what you have is real.” I could see he did feel bad for what he said in Portland.   

             
“Look at me and tell me the truth. Has he ever stayed faithful to anyone?” I needed to hear it. I didn’t want to burry my head in the sand like I did with David.

             
“No, but—” I cut him off before he could defend Alex.

             
“That’s what I thought.” My stomach sank. I wanted to tell myself I was different, and that I’m the one person he can stay faithful to. The saying fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me kept playing in my fucking head like a broken record.

             
“I’m telling you right now that if you cut him off and shut him out, you will destroy him. You need to talk to him about the picture and what you are feeling.” He was right, but I wasn’t sure the fear I felt about the conversation would allow me to do it.

             
“So why did you need to run?” I told him it was only fair for him to spill, too.

             
“Fucking Sam.” He didn’t say anything more. He looked pissed. I wasn’t sure if I should push or stop at that. Instead, I gave him some time and he started talking on his own. “She went back to LA and told me she is back together with Brian.” I didn’t know Brian. Alex didn’t ever talk about him or anyone Sam has ever dated. “I’m not sure what Sam told you about us. I fucked up a lot. She has given me too many chances and I fucking ruined every single one, and she has made it clear I won’t get anymore.” I could hear a change in his voice almost of hurt. “She did what she always does when I screw up. She went back to Brian, only this time I didn’t fuck up.” He was now sounding pissed. “You know, she didn’t even have the decency to call me; she sent me a goddamn text. I woke this morning to a fucking text.” He was now completely pissed.

             
“Sam hasn’t said anything to me. I tried to get her to open up, but she wouldn’t.”
              Johnny interrupted. “Because I’m her dirty little secret. I always have been. She never wanted to tell Alex or anyone in the past.”

             
“No, girls are different, and you are just thinking at a surface level. It’s deeper than that. Sam tells me a lot, but if she wouldn’t share this, it isn’t because she is embarrassed or ashamed, it’s special. She’s keeping it for herself. Once it’s out there and everyone knows, it’s not as special anymore.” Everyone keeps little things about their relationships a secret, so that way, they can hold onto the things that are special. I don’t think guys understand that.

             
“Then why the fuck is she with Brian? He’s a dork, some sort of investment banker.” He was irritated.

             
“I don’t know, have you asked her?” If I was getting pushed into talking about my feelings, so was he.

             
“No, she won’t. I tried to talk when she was here, but she gets pissed.” I was wondering if that was what the car conversation was about.

             
“Don’t give up and don’t do anything stupid either. Prove to her you deserve a final chance.” I was starting to get chilled. My sweat was now really cold against my body and I was shivering.

             
“You are cold, and I can’t take much more of this fucking girl talk. Ready to go back so I can impose on your parents?” I didn’t respond verbally, and instead I started running back to the house. When we got there, I saw Alex’s Jeep in the driveway. They must have taken a break for the day or wrapped up. I was excited and a little scared to see him.

             
When Johnny and I entered the house, we were both breathing heavy. We pushed each other and the pace. The only reason I could keep up was because he was out of shape.

             
“When you said you were going on a run, I didn’t realize it was with my woman.” Alex walked to meet us at the entry. “Stop trying to steal mine and get your own,” Alex said jokingly. Johnny had his hands on his knees and was breathing pretty heavy. He was able to huff out a “fuck off” in between breaths.

             
Alex decided to stay. We would head to my parents together and Johnny would take the Jeep and meet us there in an hour. I was pretty quiet with Alex. I didn’t know how to start the conversation and I was scared to start it. I took a long, hot shower trying to find the courage to talk to him. The water turned cold before I found it. I reluctantly got out, dried my hair until it was damp, and put it in a loose braid. I had brought my clothes into the bathroom with me. I wanted to be fully dressed when I saw Alex next or there would be no conversation and I would end up on my back.

             
When I came out, he was leaning on the wall. “Christ, you are a fucking creeper.” I didn’t have much of a joking tone on my voice.

             
“Hey, I’m sorry I wasn’t here this morning. I wanted to be. I know you’re mad about it. I can tell.” His voice was soft and even.

             
“No, what I’m fucking mad about is walking into the gas station to grab a fucking cup of coffee and seeing you and Paige splashed all over the cover. That’s why I’m fucking mad.” I was fuming. I no longer had to ease into an uncomfortable conversation. I threw myself into it.

             
“What the fuck are you talking about? What cover? Why the fuck didn’t Sam know about this or tell me?” Alex seemed more pissed about the picture and not knowing. His hand was raking through his hair. That only enraged me more.

             
“She has a life too and can’t sit around playing damage control for you all the time.” I pushed past him to head down the stairs. Alex grabbed my arm.

             
“Whatever you saw or think you saw, it isn’t anything.” Alex’s eyes were burning into mine.

             
A tear escaped one of my eyes. “Yeah, I’ve heard that line before.” I pulled my arm away and turned to head down the stairs. Anymore of the standoff and I was going to lose it and I was not becoming an emotional wreck before dinner with my parents. I had too many of those this past summer.

             
I could hear Alex coming down the stairs behind me. He followed me into the entryway where I was sitting on the floor, putting on my shoes. He sat on the floor next to me and scooped me up on his lap. I fought him at first, but gave up and started to cry into my hands. He pulled me against his chest and rocked me. He didn’t start talking until I was calmed down.

             
“I love you.” He patted my hair almost like you would with a child. “Nothing has ever happened with her and nothing ever will happen. I love you, I want to marry you and I want a future with you.” His voice was calm and he continued to rock back and forth.

I was forcing myself to calm down. I was hearing the words, but I couldn’t shake the feeling in my stomach
and thoughts in my head. My mind was going back to a night where I confronted David about a message on his phone from a female coworker and how he played it off as me reading too much into something that wasn’t there. Thinking how foolish I looked after his death, I didn’t want to look like that again – the pitying stares and the whispering behind my back.

I finally calmed down and crawled off his lap. I stood up and walked into the kitchen to grab a paper towel to wipe my face. I heard Alex following me. I turned and he was leaning against the archway with his arms crossed. I was hoping I had calmed down enough so my voice would stay even when I talked.

“Derek and Johnny assured me it is innocent
.” I could see the expression on his face change from sympathetic to pissed off. “But I’ve been here before. I’ve looked like the idiot who turns a blind eye to what is being thrown in my face. I won’t look stupid again and I won’t drag these girls down a road where they’ll be tossed aside.”

Alex stopped me and his voice was no longer calm or even. It was now harsh and the volume was rising. “You honestly think I would fucking move my fucking life across the damn country and live here where there is nothing if I planned on cheating on you and eventually leaving?” The tears were coming back
. Even with all the energy I was putting into trying to stop them, I was failing. “I can’t help that you were married to a piece of shit before, but you can’t keep comparing me to him.”

Alex’s voice was calming down as he walked across the kitchen to me. He went to pull me into him, but I stopped him.
He settled on wiping away my tears with his thumbs. He started to talk in a gentler voice. “I’m sorry I got so mad, but I wish you would talk to me and not Derek and Johnny first. As soon as you saw it you should have called me.”

“I had to work some things out in my head first.” I had tried so hard to stop crying
that my voice was coming in between big breaths and it sounded broken.

Alex started to laugh
. “Well, figuring it out in your head is the last place I want it figured out. So calling one of them to help might have been a smart move.” I smacked his chest with my hand. Alex pulled me into a hug. “I hate seeing you upset. I promise I will never hurt you. I need you to trust me.” He kissed the top of my head.

I wanted to trust him and I was hoping at some point
that I could. My fear was that I was ruined and that I couldn’t trust anymore. We broke apart when we heard my cell phone ringing. I still couldn’t speak clearly so Alex answered it for me.

I could hear him talking to Lexi and assuring her
that I was okay. She must have seen the magazine, too. He told her he hadn’t seen it, but promised her it was a misunderstanding. When he got off the phone, he told me I better call her when I calmed down.

On the drive
over, Alex took my hand and squeezed it. “I’m not happy this happened, but seeing your reaction to it reassures me that you love me.” In a way, what he just said made me sad. I wondered if I wasn’t showing him or telling him enough that I loved him.              

Dinner at my parents was just like every other Monday night. Johnny was there and my mother made him feel welcome. My dad still hadn’t warmed up to him. After
dinner, Alex dropped Johnny off at his house and came back to mine. He helped get the girls to bed and we curled up on the couch. When we went to bed, he held me in his arms. There were times that I loved being held more than sex, and tonight was one of those nights.    

~16~

             
The next few weeks were busy. Alex tried to do his best about being back for dinner. He did manage to make it back to my house before I went to sleep, but often missed the girl’s bedtime. Alex was still getting the girls ready for school and dropping them off every day, but I was missing all the time we had together. I knew he needed to work and now had a job to do, but it didn’t help me missing him. I started to dabble in my writing again since I had most of my nights to myself.

             
Lexi moved back into her house after Thanksgiving. Todd had lost his job due to the arrest and moved to one of the Carolinas with his brother. Lexi was still determined to sell the house and I wasn’t going to try to talk her out of it. With Todd out of the picture and Alex working so much, Lexi was back to being a noticeable fixture at the house.

             
Johnny seemed to escape to my house more and more as well. He said he liked being at Alex’s to help on the music front, but he couldn’t handle the creating stage, whatever that meant. I never asked. The less I knew the easier it was for me to accept Alex spending time with Paige. Johnny hadn’t brought up Sam anymore, and when I brought it up to him he would tell me he hadn’t talk to her. I tried calling her, but she was avoiding me too, and if I was lucky enough to get her on the phone the conversation was short.

             
Alex had us over one night for dinner along with Eric, Paige, and the four guys in her band. Everyone was really nice, except for Paige. She wasn’t rude, but she didn’t exactly make me feel welcome at Alex’s house either. I wasn’t sure what her problem with me was. If anything, she should be nice to me. I helped Sam get Alex to the stupid bar to listen to her in the first place. Johnny told me not to take it personal because she was like that with him too, but it was hard not to.

             
School ended the Friday before Christmas, but it was five days before Christmas and Alex was working. Alex decided they would take a break on Christmas Eve and come back right after Christmas. He was hoping to get the PR for the album started at the first of the year. I was just happy I would have some time with him and not having to share him with the studio.

             
Sam called and told me she was coming in on the twenty-third for the holiday. She said she was leaving a few days after Christmas because she was spending New Year’s Eve with Brian. I tried getting her to tell me about him, but she told me there wasn’t much to tell and she would fill me in when she got to town. I felt like her not wanting to talk to me was my entire fault. When she did, I pushed her away. I hated myself for that conversation with her.

             
We waited until Saturday before Christmas to put up the Christmas tree. It was the latest we had ever waited, but we decided on getting a real tree for the first time. Alex said he would be there to do it with us, since they were at a place where he could break free. When Saturday came, he left early to get started on a new song they were finishing. When it was time to get the tree, the girls and I headed over to pick him up. We were going to swap out vehicles and borrow my dad’s truck.

             
When we got to Alex’s, I ran in the house and nobody was around. I figured they were all still in the studio. I hadn’t been in there when they were working and felt uncomfortable heading in. I called Alex first, but it went to voicemail. I decided I would suck it up and head in. The girls were excited to get the tree and I couldn’t make them wait any longer. When I walked in, Alex was at the table with Eric and the sound guy. I never was really introduced to him. Johnny was sitting on the couch and Paige and the band were playing. I didn’t say anything, but just stood there. Paige was the first to see me and she stopped singing and motioned for the band to stop. That’s when Alex turned around and noticed me and looked at his watch.

             
“Shit, I didn’t realize it was this late.” Alex stood and walked over to me. It seemed like all eyes were on us. “I don’t think I can make it. Can we go tomorrow?” I was mad, because he knew how excited the girls were about getting the tree today and decorating it tomorrow after it warmed up and dried out a bit.

             
“No, I’m not telling them that. I’ll take them, you stay and finish.” I was pissed, and if Alex couldn’t tell, he was fucking blind.

             
“We are almost done, and if we can get this finished before Paige leaves, then there is only one song left to record.” Alex said it like this fact was going to make it okay with me.

             
“I’ll see you later.” I turned and walked out. I heard the door open behind me and I thought it was Alex coming to apologize, but it wasn’t. Johnny was shouting behind me.

             
“Hey, Abby, do you care if I tag along? I don’t want to impose on a family thing.” Johnny had his hands in his pocket.

             
“No, please come. I’ll need help cutting the tree down.” Johnny turned to head back in, probably to grab a warm jacket. I climbed in the car and turned the heat up.

             
“Hey, where is Alex?” Lily was the first one to ask.

             
“He has to work so Johnny is going to come with us.” I wasn’t lying to them, but I could feel the bitterness in my voice as I spoke.

             
“I like Uncle Johnny.” I loved how my girls had no real aunts and uncles by blood, yet had so many close adults in their lives that they could refer to them as aunts and uncles. I know each one that carried that title would do anything for them.

             
Johnny jumped into the passenger seat. “Nice coat.” I couldn’t help but notice the brand new winter jacket he was wearing.

             
“I just received a whole new winter wardrobe from LL Bean and Eddie Bauer. If I’m going to live here, I need to dress like I belong here.” He sent a wink my way. The drive to get my dad’s truck was full of questions for Johnny, which he handled easily. Josie had more about why Alex wasn’t coming with us. I’m glad Johnny fielded all of those.

             
We traded out vehicles and listened to Christmas music the whole drive to the farm. The girls and Johnny were singing and it almost let me forget that Alex wasn’t with us. When we pulled into the farm, I stopped at the main house and talked to the owner. He directed us to the field where we could cut down our Christmas tree.

             
Before the girls exited the truck, I made them put on all the winter gear. They would have forgotten their jackets if I hadn’t reminded them. They were so excited about finding a Christmas tree. When they got out, they were running through the fields, each one pointing to a different tree they thought was perfect.

             
“You really weren’t kidding. We have actually have to cut our own tree. I thought we would just go to a lot and pick one out.” Johnny was zipping his coat up to his chin.

             
“I love this place. My dad took me to this same lot when I was little. After I married David, we bought a fake tree, and this is my first year back. I was hoping Alex would be here for this.” I was upset Alex wasn’t here. I thought this was the first to many let downs.

             
“I’m not making excuses for him, but he is under a lot of pressure, and if he knew how much this meant to you I know he would have been here.” Johnny was always trying to be a good friend.

             
“He knew how much it meant to the girls.” I was not going to feel bad for him. I looked out at the field to see the girls were still running tree to tree, trying to decide on the perfect one.

             
“You know, if I wasn’t in love with someone else, and if Alex wasn’t a good friend, I would totally take this opportunity to throw him under a bus and steal you.” I looked up at Johnny and he had a big smile on his face.

             
“But you are in love with someone else. Huh, that’s just my luck.” We both started to laugh before we headed out to meet the girls.

             
After much debate, the girls finally all agreed on a tree. It might have helped that Johnny was totally selling them on this tree. I started to cut, but was making no progress, so Johnny switched spots and got the tree cut down while the girls and I caught it. We loaded it in the back of the truck. On the way out, we headed back to the main house so I could pay for the tree.

             
The twins were complaining they were hungry, so we pulled into a little diner off the highway. We sat, laughed, and ate. We were having such a good time that I forgot that I was mad at Alex for not coming with us. When we were leaving, I slipped on ice and grabbed Johnny to stop my fall. But instead the both of us went down. We were on the ground laughing when the girls jumped on us. We finally got to our feet and climbed in the vehicle. The drive home was just as entertaining as the drive to the farm.

When we got to my house, we got the tree secured on the stand
in the living room. I used string to anchor it to the wall. I remember too many Christmases where my dad was picking up the tree and my mom was crying over ornaments that broke. The girls talked me into stringing the lights that night, but I had to explain why we had to wait for the tree to dry out before decorating it. They said they understood, but you could tell they weren’t happy about it.

Johnny made them
hot cocoa while I returned the truck to my dad. I was going to pop in and talk to them, but I was too tired and didn’t want to release any of my stresses onto them. They had their plate full enough with the pub.

When I got
back, the girls were in their pajamas and they were setting up a board game. I was not interested in playing, but they were excited.

“Hey, go take a hot shower or bath
. I got this.” Johnny was signaling his hand at me to go away.

I decided to take a bath. I think at some
point I fell asleep. I woke to a knocking on the door and the water was merely warm. “Hey, the girls crashed. I’m going to walk back to Alex’s.” I wondered how long I had been in the tub.

“Wait, I’m getting out. Give me a minute and I’ll meet you downstairs.”
I hurried up and dried off. I went in my room and threw on a pair of sweat pants and hoodie before heading downstairs. Johnny was sitting on the couch. “Sorry, I fell asleep in the tub.” I let out a small embarrassed giggle.

“No
worries, the girls didn’t hang too long. They were beat.” I had a slight chill from the cool bath water.

“I’m going to make a pot of coffee
. Want some?”

“Are you sure I’m not imposing? I feel like I’m over here a lot
, and I’m not exactly ever invited.” Johnny stood to follow me to the kitchen.

“I like the company. Do you know what it’s like to hang with little kids all day?” I turned the water on and filled the pot.

“I appreciate it. I love being here. I honestly don’t think I want to go back to LA.” I turned and leaned against the counter and looked at him as he took a stool. “I don’t think I ever had any real friends back there. Most the people I hung with were at my party for the booze and drugs. Once I got clean, they were either trying to pull me back in or avoiding me.” I felt bad for him. I knew I had people in my life that were real friends.

“I’m glad you are here.” I meant it. “So tell me all about this person you are in love with
. Have you talked to her?” I wanted the scoop, and Sam was treating me as if I had the plague.

“As much as you have
, if that says anything.” It sounded like Sam was avoiding both of us. I knew she was talking to Alex, but he was clueless on the Johnny and Sam front.

“
Well, don’t give up. She’ll be here in a few days.” I was rooting for him. Everything I saw from him showed me he was a nice guy and perfect for Sam. I still didn’t know the history, but thought if she saw what I did every day she would see the change in him.

We sat and had coffee. I talked him into sleeping on the couch. I didn’t want to see him wal
king the few miles in the snow, because I couldn’t leave the girls alone to bring him back. I was thinking that Alex would show up and Johnny could take the Jeep back, but Alex did not show up or even text me. I went to bed questioning things like I had months ago. I thought I was over this stage in the relationship, but obviously I wasn’t there.

             
When I woke up the next morning, there were a slew of texts and a voicemail that sounded like Alex had been drunk when he left them. When I listened to the voicemail, I got angry. He could barely keep a thought straight. I didn’t even take the time to read the text messages. I went into the bathroom to brush my teeth. When I left, I peeked in on all the girls. I was about to head downstairs when I heard Johnny talking.

             
“I don’t give a shit. You need to get your ass over here now and apologize. You fucked up, and I’m telling you that you fucked up.” I sat down on the top stairs and listened to Johnny talk. There was a pause before he started talking again.

             
“I don’t give a shit if you are pissed at me. I wouldn’t have been there if you had followed through. If you want to hate someone, hate yourself.” There was another pause. “Dude, shut the fuck up, clean up, and get over here.” I knew he was talking to Alex, but I wasn’t sure what he was talking to him about. I heard the house phone ring and I stood up and ran down the stairs to get it. I thought it was either Derek or Lexi.