Faithfully (8 page)

             
I stretched out on a lounge chair and sipped my coffee. I had to remove the robe because the morning sun was already getting hot. I was still there when Sam came down. She plopped in a lounge chair next to me. “Morning,” I said without even looking over at her. Sam didn’t even reply, she just grunted. I started to laugh. I could see she was not a morning person like me, and the complete opposite of Alex.

             
Marie came out, handed Sam a coffee, and replaced my mug with a fresh one. Alex must have told her how I took my coffee, because it was made perfectly, just how I liked it. I took a long sip.

“Isn’t this nice? I
mean, this could be your life. Waking up every day and having coffee made for you.” Sam was now looking at me.

             
I turned to look at Sam. “I already do. Your brother makes mine every morning.” I had a smile on my face as I took another sip. Sam let out a sigh. I was starting to think she didn’t like being here alone as much as she wanted us to believe she did.

             
“Hey, instead of waiting another week and a half, why don’t you fly back with us now for Thanksgiving? You could have an extra-long holiday with us and you can see the girls and spend more time with Alex. I know he misses you.” I knew he did. I knew they were still talking two to three times a day.

             
“We’ll see.” It wasn’t a no, but it wasn’t a yes either.

             
Sam and I sat outside for a while and just enjoyed the sun. We talked, and Sam filled me in on her visits to Johnny and about how he was back to his old self. She kept telling me what a nice guy he was and how he is even more considerate of people than Alex, but I had a really hard time believing it. I procrastinated as long as I could before I finally went upstairs and started to get ready. When I picked up my phone, I saw it was a little after twelve and I knew that the car would be outside. I was feeling anxious and nervous.

             
I walked downstairs and Sam was waiting by the door. “Hey, you look nice. When you are done, give me a call. I have a feeling you will need a drink and retail therapy.”

             
“I will…wish me luck. I need it, and FYI, a big fat ‘I told you so’ today may be a mistake.” I gave Sam a warning look.

             
“Please, I know better than to do that, especially today. I will wait at least until tomorrow.” She smiled at me, reached over, and gave me a hug. “It will be okay. He is going to be mad, but he’ll get over it. He loves you too much to hate you. If anything, he’ll hate Johnny.” Her attempt at making me feel better did nothing to help. I was still feeling pretty damn miserable.

             
I left the house and got into the waiting car. I pulled out my phone and saw a text from Alex.

             
I’ll be there shortly, just finishing up with one of the bands. I promise I won’t be long.

             
Great, if Alex was late, then that would mean I was going to be stuck alone with Johnny, and I really wasn’t feeling up to that at the moment. I figured I needed to suck it up. Just because I was going over there didn’t mean I was going to have to be nice to him.

             
The driver told me it would take at least thirty to forty five minutes to get to Johnny’s house in Malibu. I thought I better call the girls and check in to see how their day went at school. They would just be getting home, and I wasn’t able to call them the night before. They all had a lot to fill me in on. Apparently, since I wasn’t at school, they felt the need to give me a play by play of all the events of the day. When I was done talking to them, I got on the phone with my mother. There wasn’t really a lot for her to tell me. She and I were both comfortable with her having the kids and she never felt the need to ask my permission when doing anything with them.

             
When I got off the phone, I thought I would call Lexi. I knew she was at work, but she would still answer and talk for a short time. Lately work was the only time I talked to her. She was still dating Todd, and my like for him in the past had now turned to toleration. I was no longer a fan. Lexi’s free spirit and spunk had slowly started to disappear, and it seemed like it was due to a fear of what Todd would say. We barely saw each other anymore, and it was the fault laid with both of us. I was busy back at school, the girls, and adjusting to the relationship with Alex. I knew Todd didn’t care for me, and I felt he put Lexi in a spot when we hung out, so I decided it was best to back off a bit until they figured things out.

             
“Hey, how is LA?” I liked how Lexi had the freedom at her job to answer her cell.

             
“Warm. So what have you been up to? I miss you. I haven’t seen you in weeks.” I was missing her and Derek. I loved having Alex, but it was taking a lot more effort to keep them as big a part of my life as before and I was failing. I felt like there wasn’t enough of me. 

             
“I know. Todd and I are redecorating and thinking of remodeling the kitchen. He doesn’t want to move in with a seventies kitchen.” Lexi sounded sad, but I wasn’t sure why.

             
“What’s really going on? I can tell something is up. You want to keep the green sink?” I knew it wasn’t the remodeling.

             
“Nothing I can discuss here. How about we make a date for dinner when you get home? I’m missing you and our talks we always have.” I didn’t want to push it, and she was at work, so I would have to leave things alone for now.

             
“Sounds good. Are you still coming to Thanksgiving?” I was hoping she was, but I knew going to Todd’s parents was now an option and I was sad. Lexi had spent the last few Thanksgivings with us.

             
“Of course. I wouldn’t miss it for anything. The bickering between you and your mother is something I’d pay good money for.” She let out a soft chuckle.

             
“Ha-ha. We are getting along now. We both turned over a new leaf. The DC trip was good for something.” I was referring to the first heart to heart talk my mother and I had ever had in my life.

             
“I have to go, but we will get together this week. Even if I just come over for dinner and we talk after the girls go to bed. I miss them, too. I’ll chat with you later.”

             
We both said bye and got off the phone. I wasn’t sure what was making her sad, but I was going to make time for her when I got back.

             
The rest of the drive I looked out the window and had a great view of the ocean. I had never been to the Pacific Ocean before and was hoping I might get a chance to walk down on the beach. I was already missing the beach even though the season ended a few months back.

             
We pulled into Johnny’s short drive. The driver got out and opened the door for me. I was hesitant to get out and walk into the house, but I was a big girl and needed to act the part. Closing my eyes for a second, I let out a breath and said a silent prayer. I finally stepped out of the car and walked up to the door. When I got there, Johnny was waiting and opened it before I could knock. I wasn’t sure what to say, so I said nothing. I didn’t even lift my head to look at him.

             
“Please come in. Alex called and said he is on his way. He should be here soon.” I still remained silent, but walked in past him. I felt tense, and you could tell there was tension in the air. “Would you like a glass of water or soda while we wait for Alex? I thought maybe we could sit out on the balcony while we wait.”

             
I finally looked up at him. “I don’t care for anything to drink, but I’d like to sit outside.” He smiled and led me out. Looking at him, he looked like a completely different person. His eyes seemed softer and his skin had a nice color. It looked like he had put on a little weight that he wore well on his tall, muscular frame. He had to be at least six two. I never noticed his size before, but the fact he was super skinny back then may have made me think he was smaller than he really was at the time.

We
stepped out onto the balcony, and I sat in a nice cushioned wicker chair and looked out at the ocean. Johnny stood leaning against a tall railing just diagonally from me. Neither of us said anything, and there was definitely an awkward silence. I was hoping Alex would quickly show, as much as I feared the outcome.  

Johnny finally broke the silence. “I need to apologize. I would say tha
t it was the drugs, but it’s just an excuse. I will take full blame for what happened.” He paused and was waiting for me to say something, but I didn’t and wasn’t planning on saying a word. I finally looked over at him and he had a sincere and pained look on his face. I was feeling slightly bad for him, but reminded myself about what he did to me, and the feeling went away as quickly as it came on. “Talking to my therapist, I realized I wasn’t mad at you or even Alex. I was mad at myself. There is definitely jealousy towards Alex, but nothing that would make me want to hurt someone physically. I’ve kept people at a distance my whole life, with the exception of Alex, Steve, and Sam. They all have their own lives now and here I am alone. I know it is my own fault. It isn’t your fault, so please don’t take any blame onto yourself.”

I cut him off
. “I never blamed myself.” My voice came across harsh as I said it, and I was looking him straight in the eyes. This was also a small lie, but I didn’t want him thinking he made me feel bad for the actions he inflicted on me. I had felt like it was partially my fault and that I brought part of it on myself. I could now see how battered women could feel responsible after being hit the first time, even when they knew deep down it was not their fault.

Johnny
continued. “I saw you leave the hotel, and at first I was just going to follow you to see why Alex was so obsessed with you, but after seeing you run and the carefree expression you had, it infuriated me. I still don’t know why. I do think the cocaine and the whiskey intensified my feelings. Either way, I was wrong grabbing you and hitting you.”

“You what?” Johnny and I both turned to look at Alex standing at the doorway of the balcony. I immediately jumped to my feet. Alex was walking towards Johnny with a look of rage. A look I had only seen once in the club back in Detroit. “What do you mean you hit her?” He was looking at Johnny, but Johnny didn’t
respond. He was probably still in as much shock as I was that Alex showed up in the middle of our conversation. My stomach dropped and I was feeling sick. Alex was now looking at me. “What the fuck is he talking about? When did he fucking hit you?” My hands were now on Alex’s chest trying to calm, comfort, to keep him from Johnny.

“I can explain, but you need to calm down and promise you will listen.” My voice was shaky as I was talking. I looked over my shoulder and Johnny was at the furthest corner of the balcony away, whic
h was only five to six feet from where we stood.

“How the fuck do you expect me to be calm when I walk into a conversation with him saying he hit you?” Alex was lookin
g at me, and his eyes had softened almost with a look of concern on his face. His eyes moved to Johnny and his eyes changed quickly with rage. I needed to fix this because I was to blame for this current situation.

“Move inside and I’ll explain everything.” I was pushing on Alex’s chest to move him back into the house. At
first he didn’t move, but finally he took a step back. I turned to Johnny and started to speak. “This is my mess. You can stay here or come in. If you stay here, I wouldn’t blame you.” I was slightly worried Alex would kill him. I’d seen him attack him before, and it took a group of people to pull him off. There was no way I could stop him alone.

“No, I need to be there,
so I’ll follow you in.” Johnny looked at me with apologetic eyes, and at that moment I knew he really was sorry and was trying to fix who he was, and I needed to give him a chance instead of holding onto the bitterness I had been harnessing towards him. If he were just going through the motions, there was no way in hell he would be willing to face Alex.

We went inside to the living room area. I placed Alex on a chair and Johnny sat on the couch across the room. I chose to stand for many reasons. One being
that I was way too nervous, and the second so that I could jump in front of Alex if he went after Johnny.   

             
There was a tension in the room, and I knew I needed to talk to keep it from building anymore.

“In
August, remember when I came back from my run in Portland?” I was looking at Alex, but he was looking at Johnny. Alex didn’t speak, but nodded his head. “I didn’t trip and fall into a tree.” Alex’s eyes shot up. He looked at me and then back at Johnny.

             
“What the fuck do you mean you didn’t fall into a tree? Did he attack you at the hotel?” Alex rose to his feet. I walked over and placed both hands on his chest. I could feel it heaving up and down with his heart pounding underneath. My heart immediately followed suit.

             
I heard Johnny’s voice over my shoulder. “Yes and no. I followed her from the hotel, shoved her up against a tree, and hit her.” Johnny was very blunt. I was going to try to lessen the blow a bit, but it didn’t look like it was going to happen. Alex went to push me aside, but I remained in the middle of the two men.