Fakes: An Anthology of Pseudo-Interviews, Faux-Lectures, Quasi-Letters, "Found" Texts, and Other Fraudulent Artifacts (30 page)

Permissions Acknowledgments

“Disclaimer” by David Means. Used by permission of the Wylie Agency LLC. Originally published in the
Paris Review
. Copyright © 1997 by David Means.

“I CAN SPEAK!” by George Saunders. From
In Persuasion Nation: Stories
by George Saunders. Copyright © 2006 by George Saunders. Used by permission of Riverhead Books, an imprint of Penguin Group (USA) Inc.

Some Instructions to My Wife Concerning the Upkeep of the House and Marriage, and to My Son and Daughter Concerning the Conduct of Their Childhood
by Stanley Crawford. Reprinted by permission of Dalkey Archive Press.

“One Thousand Words on Why You Should Not Talk During a Fire Drill” by Mark Halliday. Reprinted by permission of the author. Originally published in the
North American Review
.

“Problems for Self-Study” by Charles Yu. From
Third Class Superhero
by Charles Yu. Reprinted by permission of Harcourt, Inc. Copyright © 2006 by Charles Yu. Originally published in the
Harvard Review.

“Permission Slip” by Caron A. Levis. Reprinted by permission of the author. Originally published in
Fence
magazine.

“How to Become a Writer” by Lorrie Moore. From
Self-Help
by Lorrie Moore. Copyright © 1985 by M. L. Moore. Used by permission of Alfred A. Knopf, a division of Random House, Inc.

“The Dead Sister Handbook: A Guide for Sensitive Boys” by Kevin Wilson. From
Tunneling to the Center of the Earth
by Kevin Wilson. Copyright © 2009 by Kevin Wilson. Reprinted by permission of HarperCollins Publishers.

“Interview with a Moron” by Elizabeth Stuckey-French. Reprinted by permission of the author. Originally published in
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“Reference #388475848-5” by Amy Hempel. Reprinted with the permission of Scribner, a division of Simon & Schuster, Inc., from
The Dog of the Marriage
by Amy Hempel. Copyright ©
2005 by Amy Hempel. All rights reserved. Originally published by
The Ontario Review.

“The Explanation” from
Forty Stories
by Donald Barthelme. Reprinted by permission of the Wylie Agency LLC. Copyright
©
1987 by Donald Barthelme.

Excerpt from
Letters to Wendy’s
by Joe Wenderoth. Published by Verse Press. Reprinted by permission of Wave Books and the author. Copyright
©
2000.

“This Is Just to Say That I’m Tired of Sharing an Apartment with William Carlos Williams” by Laura Jayne Martin. Reprinted by permission of the author. Originally published in
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“Single Woman for Long Walks on the Beach” by Ron Carlson. From
At the Jim Bridger
by Ron Carlson. Reprinted by permission of St. Martin’s Press, LLC. Copyright © 2002 by Ron Carlson.

“My Beard, Reviewed” by Chris Bachelder. Reprinted by permission of the author. Originally published in
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“The Varieties of Romantic Experience: An Introduction” by Robert Cohen. Reprinted with the permission of Scribner, a division of Simon & Schuster, Inc., from
The Varieties of Romantic Experience
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“Vis à Vis Love” by Mieke Eerkens. Reprinted by permission of the author.

“Practice Problem” by Joseph Salvatore. Reprinted with the permission of The Permissions Company, Inc. on behalf of BOA Editions Ltd., www.boaeditions.org, from
To Assume a Pleasing Shape.
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“Officers Weep” by Daniel Orozco. From
Orientation: And Other Stories
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“Subtotals” by Greg Burnham. Reprinted by permission of the author. Originally published in
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“Our Spring Catalog” by Jack Pendarvis. Originally appeared in
Mysterious Secret of the Valuable Treasure: Curious Stories
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“Reply All” by Robin Hemley. Copyright
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“Chaucer Tweets the South by Southwest Festival” by Kari Anne Roy. Reprinted by permission of the author. Originally published in
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“Iconographic Conventions of Pre- and Early Renaissance: Italian Representations of the Flagellation of Christ” by Rachel B. Glaser. Reprinted by permission of the author. Originally appeared in
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“The Human Side of Instrumental Transcommunication” by Wendy Brenner. Reprinted by permission of Algonquin Books of Chapel Hill, from
Phone Calls from the Dead
by Wendy Brenner. Copyright © 2001 by Wendy Brenner. All rights reserved.

“Class Notes” by Lucas Cooper. First published in
Sudden Fiction
by Gibbs Smith, copyright
©
1986.

“Dear Stephen Hawking” by Samantha Hunt. Reprinted by permission of the author. Originally published in
Manual, or, The Lives of Famous Men
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“National Treasures” by Charles McLeod. From
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“Discarded Notions” by Matthew Williamson. Reprinted by permission of the author. Originally appeared in
Gulf Coast: A Journal of Literature and Fine Arts
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“Star Lake Letters” by Arda Collins. Reprinted by permission of the author. Originally published in
Ghost Town.

“Life Story” by David Shields. Reprinted by permission of the author. Originally published in
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“Instructions for Extinction” by Melanie Rae Thon. Reprinted by permission of Houghton Mifflin Harcourt Publishing company, from
Sweet Hearts
by Melanie Rae Thon. Copyright © 2000 by Melanie Rae Thon. All rights reserved.

“Will & Testament” by Matthew Vollmer. Reprinted by permission of the author. Originally appeared in
Future Missionaries of America: Stories
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“Letter to a Funeral Parlor” by Lydia Davis. From
The Collected Stories of Lydia Davis
by Lydia Davis. Copyright © 2009 by Lydia Davis. Reprinted by permission of Faber and Faber, Inc., an affiliate of Farrar, Straus, and Giroux, LLC.

“Acknowledgments” by Paul Theroux. Copyright © 1979, 1980 by Paul Theroux. Used by permission of the Wylie Agency LLC.

“Primary Sources” by Rick Moody. From
The Ring of Brightest Angels Around Heaven
by Rick Moody. Copyright © 1992, 1993 by Rick Moody. Reprinted by permission of Little, Brown and Company and Melanie Jackson Agency, LLC. All rights reserved.

“Contributor’s Note” by Michael Martone. Reprinted by the permission of the author. Originally published in
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“The Year’s Best Fiction 2008: The Authors Speak” by J. Robert Lennon. Reprinted by permission of the author. Originally published in
Epoch
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“About the Typefaces Not Used in This Edition” by Jonathan Safran Foer. Reprinted by permission of the author. Originally published in
The Paris Review.

“The Index” by J. G. Ballard. From
The Complete Short Stories of J. G. Ballard
by J. G. Ballard. Copyright © 2001. Reprinted by permission of HarperCollins Publishers Ltd.

Copyright © 2012 by David Shields and Matthew Vollmer

All rights reserved

First Edition

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Book design by Ellen Cipriano

Production manager: Louise Mattarelliano

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data

Fakes : an anthology of pseudo-interviews, faux-lectures,
quasi-letters, “found” texts, and other fraudulent artifacts / edited
by David Shields and Matthew Vollmer. — 1st ed.

p. cm.

Includes bibliographical references and index.

ISBN 978-0-393-34195-9 (pbk.)

1. American prose literature—21st century. 2. Creative nonfiction.
3. Counterfeits and counterfeiting in literature. 4. Found objects (Art)
I. Shields, David, 1956– II. Vollmer, Matthew.

PS659.2.F35 2012

818'.609—dc23

2012013070

eISBN: 978-0-393-34606-0

W. W. Norton & Company, Inc.

500 Fifth Avenue, New York, N.Y. 10110

www.wwnorton.com

W. W. Norton & Company Ltd.

Castle House, 75/76 Wells Street, London W1T 3QT

1234567890

1
By the time the reader receives these documents, the undersigned will have already have been dead for some hours. Though the undersigned has taken some necessary precautions to prevent body spoilage, the reader should act quickly so that the last wishes of the undersigned might be met.

2
The undersigned has decided to eschew the tradition of referring to a female executor as “executrix.” Therefore, as the undersigned uses it, “executor” should remain neutral.

3
The reader should also know that the undersigned is composing this in between answering phones, making copies, addressing envelopes, and entering data concerning the promotional materials of the A. J. Forsythe investment firm, and while the cube in which he works seems an appropriate environment for the last day of his life (photos of a dog, a boy, and a party which are not his, a half-eaten chocolate bunny in the top desk drawer, and a placard, slapped on the forehead of his monitor, that reads
SPOILED
ROTTEN
!
), it is not the best environment in which to compose, and the document may be riddled with errors and inaccuracies. Hence, the undersigned begs the reader’s pardon should these last wishes be untranslatable.

4
Guilt, the undersigned believes, is for the damned.

5
Executor will find supplies, as well as wardrobe (which can be either worn by executor or donated to Goodwill), in bedroom closet of the deceased.

6
In the event that Mr. Charles Christopher refuses to make good on his word, the deceased’s body, fully intact, should be delivered to the nearest medical-research facility. In this case, Mr. Christopher shall not receive said antique Ouija board, regardless of how much begging Mr. Christopher performs, and the board shall be ceremoniously set aflame.

7
“Arrangements” here simply means that the undersigned spoke with the biology teacher, Mr. Eric Yancey, who led the undersigned to believe that, after death, his bones would be welcome, if they were thoroughly sanitized and disinfected—though he could make no promises.

8
See schematic no. 1 on page 2 of a notebook, which will hereafter be referred to as the “Appendix,” and which can be found inside the aforementioned locker in Terminal D of the LaGuardia Airport.

9
The addresses of these women, who have most likely forgotten the undersigned, are available on page 3 of the Appendix.

10
Names and addresses of said companies available on page 6 of Appendix. Vials can be found in the fridge of the undersigned’s apartment.

11
This box, measuring 8 x 8 inches, which he purchased for an unbeatable price at Box Town, can be found in the top cupboard of the undersigned’s apartment, above the stove on the right-hand side.

12
See Section IV.A, in which Ms. Davis’s voice is put to good use.

13
Or was made to swallow, as the undersigned’s sister is wont to believe.

14
E.g., does this tie match these slacks?, will it rain today?, and, will X call me back?

15
Ms. Gonzalez should know that, ideally, should she accept the collection, Dusty Springfield’s
Dusty
in
Memphis
and Schubert’s
Winterreise
might be played—alternately—on the thirtieth of October, the anniversary of the undersigned’s death.

16
Obviously, this would be done
before
the lamps are delivered to the ten women.

17
The undersigned has kept a list of persons who share the same name, or a slight variation thereof. This list occurs on page 12 of the Appendix.

18
The names of the acquaintances appear on the backs of the photos. Addresses appear on page 13 of the Appendix.

19
The undersigned’s mother, coincidentally, died of kidney failure before he was old enough to remember, in any organic way,
her
face.

20
The apartment, though quite small, boasts a view of the avenue, and if the executor looks closely, s/he will find constellations of the undersigned’s fingerprints upon the sliding glass door. Though the undersigned knows no view can save us (we must save ourselves, be saved by others, or, if the executor believes in God, be saved by her/his God), he endorses said window as a place for contemplation. In fact, the undersigned stood there when the idea of this will and testament struck him, just as he stood there when he opened the Manhattan phone book and began to recite the names of potential executors, and as he leaned his head against the cool pane, he imagined the potential executor entering the apartment. He imagined this executor startled by the lack of furniture, the sweet, slightly sour odor of garbage—imagined the executor drawn toward the portable radio beside the window, a radio which will have been purposely left on as a kind of hospitable gesture, a kind of “welcome home” for the executor. The executor, of course, can turn the radio off, as said radio will be, most likely, playing a song the executor has heard before. The undersigned expects that the executor is someone who, like himself, has heard it all. However, the undersigned hopes, and indeed believes, that the executor will keep on singing. The executor, he expects, will have a beautiful voice, as all voices are beautiful when singing—especially if they sing, as the undersigned thinks the executor might, slightly off-key. Perhaps, the undersigned thinks, he will hear this same voice when he descends this evening into the streets, on the way to his unmarked tomb, where his body will exhale its last breath and begin to fade.

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