“It’s called a
frittata.” She shrugs. “I’m not sure how it will turn out, but it does smell
good.”
It’s still weird
for me to see her cooking; however, it’s just one of the many things that have
rubbed off on her since she’s been dating Josh. Reaching over the counter, I
grab my laptop to check my emails and see what time we’re supposed to be at the
skydiving facility.
Maybe telling her
about skydiving will go better than I thought. She seems to be in a good mood;
normally, she’s pretty grumpy until noon.
“Have you ever
thought about freefalling at two hundred miles per hour?” I ask casually,
holding my breath, waiting for her reaction.
“Uh… no. Have you?”
Her voice sounds uneasy.
“Yeah, it sounds
like fun.”
“I always knew you
were weird.” She sighs.
“Come on, I’m serious.”
I laugh.
“Yeah, so am I.”
I groan and sit up
farther on the stool, knowing that this is going to be just as hard as I
thought it would be. “Think about it for a minute. It could be fun.” My voice
is teetering on the edge of begging, but I am so desperate for her to join me
that I will beg if I need to.
She twirls around,
pulls open the refrigerator door, and then looks up at the ceiling as if she’s
deep in thought. “Thought about it and it’s still a no... Actually, make that a
hell no. It holds no appeal to me.” She pulls out a container of sliced
mushrooms and throws them into the pan.
“I hear that you
get an adrenaline rush like nothing else.” My voice is sing song. “C’mon the
feeling is supposed to be euphoric or something.”
She stops stirring
the mushrooms, turns around, and points the wooden spoon she’s holding right at
my face. “I don’t know what’s spinning in that little head of yours, but it’s
never gonna happen.” The spoon she’s holding rises and falls with her last few
words.
“Oh, well. That’s
just too damn bad.” I sigh dramatically.
“And why is that?”
she asks.
“I made us an
appointment to skydive this afternoon. I already paid for it... or half of it
anyway.”
Her head whips
around to face me, her eyes bulging. “You what?”
“I made us an appointment
to skydive this afternoon.” I carefully enunciate each word, just so there’s no
miscommunication.
“And what makes you
think that I’m gonna go with you?”
“Because you
wouldn’t want your best friend going alone.” I smile and glance up through my
eyelashes.
“Seriously, what’s
your obsession with jumping out of a perfectly good airplane anyway?” she asks,
turning back around to stir the ingredients.
“Because, Jenna, it
sounds like fun and you were the one who told me that I needed to start having
a little more of it. Besides, it’s always been a fear of mine and I’m kind of
trying to overcome my fears these days. You’ll love it, I promise.”
Now, she’s leaning
on the counter with her arms behind her, facing me. She doesn’t say anything
for a moment, but then a wide grin stretches across her face and I can’t help
wondering what’s spinning in that head of hers. “Fine.” She raises her
eyebrows. “I’ll make you a deal. I’ll agree to go skydiving with you, if you
agree to sing at Sterling’s at open mic night again.”
My shoulders slump
as I contemplate the deal she’s just given me. “Never mind. I’ll go on my own.”
Her offer punctures a large hole in my happy balloon and my voice comes out
sounding deflated. One day I will sing again, but I’m just not ready for that.
There are too many emotions that come with singing; emotions that I am not
quite ready to handle just yet.
“Come on, Holly.
Why not?” she asks, taking a step towards me. “You just got done saying that
you’re trying to conquer your fears. Isn’t getting up on stage and singing
again a huge fear of yours?”
Yeah, it is, but
for reasons I’m not sure she understands. “I can’t sing right now anyway,” I
say, swallowing hard.
“Why?”
“Easy.” I shrug. “I
don’t have anything to sing.”
“Liar,” she
challenges. “I saw you working on something a few weeks ago, that morning
before school.”
I shrug again.
“It’s gone. I threw it away.”
A mischievous smile
spreads across her lips. “Well, you should count yourself lucky that you have
the bestest best friend in the world. I found it in the trash and took it out.”
She skips off down the hall and into her room. A couple seconds later she comes
back and hands me a flattened, yet crinkled up piece of paper. “It’s beautiful,
Holls. You need to sing it and, even if you don’t sing it or finish it, you
should at least keep it.”
I stare down at the
words, still not believing what she’s done. “You took this from the trash?
That’s kind of gross, Jenna.”
She shakes her head
and rolls her eyes. “Well, I had to. You were dumb enough to throw it away and
I just couldn’t let you do that.”
“It’s depressing,
Jenna.” I scan my eyes back over the miserable words.
“Hey, it’s what
you’re feeling right now. It’ll be good for you to look back at it someday and
realize how far you’ve come. Besides, aren’t all the great songs depressing and
miserable?”
“Okay, okay.” I
take in a deep breath, seeing her point. My eyes scan back over the words and
then over at Jenna’s face. I think about what I want to do, knowing that
singing again would feel so good, but deep down, I’m not sure if I am ready to
take that step. Seeing Jenna’s shit-eating grin tells me she thinks she has me.
“So, what’s it
gonna be? Are we going skydiving today or what?” she asks.
A part of me knows
there’s only one way to wash that smug smile off her face.
“Fine. I’ll sing
again, but I get to choose the day,” I offer.
She grins and
shrugs. “Fine, as long as you sing at Sterling’s before summer begins, I’ve got
no complaints. That should give you plenty of time to finish writing your
song.”
“Fine, deal.”
Then her face falls
and she suddenly looks ill. “Oh, my God. I’ve just agreed to jump out of an
airplane.”
“Yep.” I smile.
❧
Later that day, I
try to be the strong one and wear a brave face, but in reality, my insides are
a mess. Jenna hasn’t said a word since we left the house and I wonder if she’s
having the same thoughts as me—wondering why the hell we’re doing this.
We pull up to the
skydive facility and I see a small—very small—plane that’s parked out in front
of a large warehouse. I stretch my eyes to the right and glance over at Jenna.
She’s staring at the plane, too. I can’t tell, but I think she’s on the verge
of a panic attack by the way her chest is raising up and down rapidly.
“Hey,” I say,
shoving the car in park and turning to face her, “you don’t have to do this, if
you don’t want to.”
She looks over at
me and slowly a grin spreads across her lips. “Bullshit, if you think you’re
getting off that easy. I’m not going to back out now and miss you singing at
Sterling’s again.” She shakes her head, looking back towards the plane. “Nope,
we’re going to do this together. It’s something I’ve always thought was stupid,
crazy and reckless, but you know what? We’re twenty-one-years-old. How many
more years do we have to be stupid, crazy and reckless?”
She’s right. I know
that; however, it doesn’t help calm my nerves.
“Come on, let’s do
this before my courage totally evaporates,” she says, getting out of the car.
After signing over
our lives on a few pieces of paper, watching a short video, and getting dressed
in the appropriate gear, we’re ready to go. Since it’s our first time, we will
be going tandem with an instructor and I’m thankful for that. I don’t know if I
would have the courage to propel myself out of a plane.
As we walk to the
plane, the instructors are going over a few things with Jenna and I, like how
we will be clipped together, how to position our bodies when it’s our time to
jump, and to remember to breathe when we are spiraling back to earth. I’m not
sure how this situation got so flipped around, but I think I’m freaking out
more than Jenna right now. Her fear and worry has been replaced with something
else… excitement. She looks almost giddy as we climb into the plane and take
our seats in front of our instructors. She glances over to me as the plane
leaves the ground and smiles.
“This is it,” she
screams over the loud engine. “The only way our feet will touch earth again is
if we jump from fifteen thousand feet, free fall for sixty seconds, and
parachute the rest of the way down, before making a crazy landing back on the
ground.”
She is enjoying
this way too much. She’s supposed to be freaking out and I’m the one who’s
supposed to be excited and encouraging her. I try my best to smile because,
deep down, I think she’s having fun with this.
We’ve only been in
the air for a few minutes when I glance out the window to see that we are
already really high up. My instructor taps me on the shoulder and shows me with
a watch on his wrist that we’re at seventy-five hundred feet.
Oh, God
.
My stomach twists as I realize we are going to jump from twice this height. We
already look so high up!
“Hey!” Jenna
reaches over and grabs my arm.
I turn to face her.
“C’mon, loosen up a bit! We are about to skydive! You were right! This is
living! We haven’t even jumped yet and I’m already feeling the high!”
I exhale a long
breath and take another one in. She’s right. This is it. This is what I want. I
want to face my fear. I want to feel alive again. I want to try to convince
myself that I can feel something other than sadness.
Before I know it,
my instructor is tapping me on my shoulder again, pointing to his altimeter,
showing me that it’s go time... fifteen thousand feet. Jenna and her instructor
are first. They begin to scoot down the bench and towards the open door. The
wind noise is so loud, and all I can think about is what my instructor told me
before I boarded the plane.
Head back, keep legs straight, and remember to
breathe.
Jenna’s feet are
dangling out of the plane and I can see her instructor whisper something in her
ear. She glances back to me with a smile—a smile that is full of fear,
anticipation, and excitement—if a smile can hold all those emotions at once.
Her instructor leans back just slightly, his hands on either side of the door,
and then he pushes them out. I hear a shrill scream for just a second before
it’s just the sound of the loud engines, the wind, and the pounding of my heart
in my ears again.
My instructor and I
are scooting along the bench, and all I can think about is how quickly Jenna
disappeared out the door and into the sky. She was gone in a second. My heart
is pounding as the instructor tells me what to do once more as we position
ourselves at the door. I don’t hear a word he says. Instead, all my focus is
drawn to the ground below and how unbelievably small it looks. My breaths are
coming short and quick now as I close my eyes, hoping this will all be over
soon. Then I realize that I can’t come all of this way and keep my eyes closed.
I open my eyes wide and force myself to look out... to look down.
Shit, shit,
shit!
My instructor
guides my head back and rests it on his left shoulder. The wind is rushing in
through the open door and I feel like I’m in the middle of a tornado. I can
feel the instructor lean back just slightly and then propel us out of the door.
My stomach drops first and I become disoriented for a few seconds. It’s not
until we are level and freefalling that I’m able to focus again, to realize how
freaking amazing this feels. I can barely breath, my stomach feels like it’s
being squeezed by a vice grip, but it’s the most amazing and freeing feeling
that I’ve ever experienced. And it’s freaking amazing!
When the instructor
pulls out the parachute, I spend the next few minutes glancing around at the
mountains in the distance and taking it all in. I see the landing spot come
into focus and my instructor tells me to lift up my legs when we’re getting
close to the ground. I do as he says; the landing is smooth and effortless. The
instructor unhooks me and helps me to my feet. Just as I stand up, beginning to
get my bearings, Jenna runs up to me, screaming. It takes me a minute to
process what she’s saying; her voice is so loud and piercing.
“Holy shit, holy
shit, holy shit!” Jenna yells over and over. “Was that not the most amazing
thing ever? Oh, my God. I’ve never felt anything like it. The freefall was
ah-mazing! Seriously! The coolest thing ever!” She finishes her outburst and
just stares at me, blankly, probably wondering why I’m not sharing her
enthusiasm. “So, what did you think?”
As I stand there
and stare at her, I feel tears start to sting behind my eyes. I don’t know why
that particular emotion is coming out of me right now, but I have an
overwhelming feeling to cry. Jenna notices this and pulls me in for a hug.
“Hey, did you not like it?”
I shake my head.
“No, I loved it. I thought it was the coolest thing ever.” My voice cracks and
I fight to keep it together.