Pulling back she
looks at me. “Then, why the tears?”
I shrug. “I don’t
know.” And that’s the truth. I don’t know. There’s no way to explain why the
tears are coming. Maybe this is how I react to an adrenaline rush? Or maybe
it’s that skydiving was always a big fear of mine and I have just overcome it.
“Come on, let’s go
home,” she says wrapping her arm around my shoulder.
❧
“Hey, do you mind
if I call Josh? I can’t wait to tell him what I did,” Jenna asks as we pull
back onto the main highway.
“Sure, but I
thought you talked to him earlier. You didn’t tell him then?” I ask, turning on
the blinker and merging into traffic.
“No, I wasn’t sure
I was going to go through with it. I didn’t want to come off sounding like a
wimp or something. Now, I can’t wait to tell him. He’s going to flip.” She’s
still babbling as she puts the phone up to her ear. “I’ve so gotta bring him
out here. He would love this sh—Josh! You’re never going to believe what Holly
and I just did.” She tries her best not to squeal, but fails miserably. I can’t
help smiling as she fills him in on almost every little detail and tells him
what a rush it was. She’s quiet for a minute and then she giggles seductively
and starts to whisper into the phone. I have to remind myself
not
to ask
her about that when she gets off the phone.
“Hold on, let me
check with her,” she suddenly says, pulling the phone away from her ear and
cupping her hand over the bottom of it. “Josh just invited us over to his place
for dinner. He says he’s cooking up something new and wants us to try it out.”
“Sure, sounds
good,” I say without hesitation.
She puts the phone
back up against her ear. “Yeah, we’re in,” she says and then pauses. “Oh, um,
let me check.”
She cups the phone
again. “Carter will be there. Are you okay with that?”
I give her a quick
glance and nod.
“Yeah, we’re in,”
she says, speaking back into the phone. “We’ll be there around seven-ish.”
She sighs after she
hangs up and leans her head back against the seat. “God, that was so amazing. I
can’t get over how fun that was.” Her head falls to the side and I can tell out
of my peripheral vision that she’s looking at me. “Did you really have a good
time? It seems like I’m the only one who’s going on and on about it.”
“No, I thought it
was awesome.” I smile. “Thanks again for doing it with me.”
“No problem. I’m
not sure what I would enjoy more, skydiving again or hearing you sing at
Sterling’s on open mic night.” She sighs again. “I’ve wanted to hear you sing
again for months.”
A sharp pain hits
my heart, knowing that I will have to keep my end of the deal, but also knowing
that overcoming that fear is going to take a miracle.
Chapter
Seven
Your sacred space is where you can find yourself again
and again.
~ Joseph Campbell
CARTER
We’re watching some stupid shit on T.V.
when Josh’s phone rings. Before he even picks it up, he gets this shit-eating
grin on his face and I already know that it’s Jenna who’s calling. In the back
of my mind, I’m wondering if Holly actually stuck with her plan for today and
went skydiving.
It only takes a
couple seconds after he answers before I know that they have actually done it.
Jenna is screaming through the phone, telling him every little detail and how
much of an adrenaline rush she got from it. I want to roll my eyes when he
whispers into the phone and says something about giving her another rush the
next time he sees her. I’m about to walk out of the room so they can talk dirty
to each other in private, but then he says something that causes me to stop on
the edge of the couch. He invites them over for dinner and I’m unable to move
as I wait for their answer.
“So, with Carter,
it will be the four of us; is that cool?” he asks.
A pain stabs my
heart and it makes me feel like shit that he even has to ask that. With how she
reacted to seeing me last week, I guess I can see why he does, though. He still
has no idea that we’ve had coffee or talked on the phone last night. He holds
my stare, then gives me a nod and I feel the pain in my chest slowly disappear.
He sets his phone
down and shakes his head. “Damn, I can’t believe they actually went skydiving.
I don’t know if I would have the balls to jump out of a plane, but damn if it’s
not wicked sexy that she did it.”
“Yeah, it’s pretty
cool,” I say, staring at the floor. My thoughts are distracted with thinking
how it will be between me and Holly tonight. I can’t help but be anxious about
seeing her again.
“Why are you
looking at me like that?” I ask when I feel him staring.
“I know you pretty
fucking well. You know that, right?”
“Don’t even start
giving me shit, man.” I stand up and make my way to the kitchen.
“Why didn’t you
tell me?” he asks, following me.
“Tell you what?”
“You weren’t
talking in your sleep last night; you were talking on the phone with Holly,
weren’t you?
“What are you
talking about?” I ask and I’m not sure why I’m being so defensive.
“Don’t be a
jackass. You can’t deny it. When I talked to Jenna this morning, she said she
heard Holly talking to someone really late last night.”
“Do I have to tell
you everything I do?”
“Didn’t know it was
a secret is all, but I know what you’re trying to do,” he says, standing his ground.
“Really? And what
is that?” I’m curious to know what his peanut-size brain has come up with.
“You’re trying to
stop yourself from feeling the guilt. I know you’re still beating yourself up
about what happened that night, but you need to let it go, man. It wasn’t your
fault. You and everyone else on the team know that it wasn’t your fault.
There’s nothing you could’ve done to save him. It was an accident, man. A
terrible, tragic, fucking accident.”
“Why would you even
bring that up right now?” I glare at him, and then look around to find
something to chuck at him.
“I told you, man. I
know you. I know you feel some sort of guilt for the shit Holly’s been through,
too.”
“Dude, I’m fine.” I
whirl around to face him again. “I just want me and Holly to be friends—for all
of us to be friends. It would be nice if she didn’t want to run every time she
saw me... especially now that you and her best friend are fuck buddies.”
He punches me in
the arm. “Hey, don’t be disrespectful and don’t be an asshole… and most of all,
don’t be a douche and act all weird around Holly tonight, either. Jenna says
she’s doing a lot better and trying to get her life back together. So just act
normal tonight.” He aims a pointed look at me like I’m an idiot and can’t
understand the words that just came out of his mouth. That’s when I realize I
just can’t take it anymore; I just want to get the hell out of here. The
memories from that night begin to rush back to me and I can’t take it.
“Whatever, man, I’m
going for a run.”
I push past him and
walk out of the kitchen, feeling like crap. If he knew me so well, then he
would know that the accident is all I think about and bringing it up is not the
right thing to do. That night plays over and over in my head constantly. Every
time I close my eyes to sleep at night, I see images from that night... the
same images I see when I look at myself in the mirror each morning.
It takes me only a
matter of minutes to change and then I’m taking my anger out on the pavement.
My run starts out as a slow jog, but the more I think about that night and all
the other people that have disappeared from my life in the past few years, the
more I push my legs to move as fast as they will go. I’m hoping the pain and
guilt I’m feeling in my chest will vanish with each step I take. I push myself
harder and with every breathe I take the air burns in my chest, rises up and
enters my throat. I run until my lungs are on fire and I can hardly catch my
breath. Finally, when I’ve had enough punishment, I hunch over and gasp for air,
feeling lucky that I’m here and I can still breathe. It’s hard to forget how
close it came to having two deaths that night and not just one.
❧
I’m down in the
kitchen chopping vegetables for some new pasta dish Josh is making. Even though
the shit he said earlier today—about not acting like a douche—still pisses me
off, deep down, I know he’s right. I’m sure Holly is trying her best to get on
with her life and I don’t want to make things uncomfortable for her. I can’t
help it, though; just seeing her brings me back to the night I had to tell her
everything at the hospital. The way she cried and screamed, it was if she
reached into my chest and ripped my heart out with her bare hands. Maybe that’s
why it helps so much to see her happy, to see her smile, and to know that she’s
doing okay.
The front door
opens and two female voices float into the kitchen. Josh gets that stupid, big
grin on his face and aims a pointed look in my direction. “Remember, don’t be a
douche and don’t let the bread burn.” He wipes his hands on a dish towel and
practically runs to the front door to meet them. I shake my head and keep
chopping.
A few seconds later
Holly walks in and I look over at her.
“Hey,” I say.
“Hi, Carter.” She
smiles—a real smile—and hangs her purse over the back of the chair next to me.
“Josh said that he had something to show Jenna real quick. Can I help you with
something?”
Yeah, I’m sure
he has something to show her… and I’m sure it’ll be a quickie.
“I can help you
chop,” she continues, eyeing the vegetables in front of me. It takes me a
second to realize that she’s staring at me, awaiting my reply. I’m not sure why
I’m staring at her, but I swear that there’s something different about her
today. She looks as hot as always, yet I swear she’s glowing or something. She
has the biggest smile on her face and I can’t tear my eyes away from it.
“Uh, no, I’m almost
done.” I force my eyes to look away. “Can I get you a drink or something?”
“Sure, a drink
would be great.”
“It’s pretty much
beer, water or milk,” I offer, pushing out of my chair and standing up.
“Beer is good.” She
nods.
She follows me down
the hall and into the garage.
“So, how was
skydiving?” I ask her.
“It was…” she
pauses for a second, searching for the right word, and I find myself staring at
her, waiting for her response. “Un-freakin-believable,” she finally decides.
I laugh at her made
up word. “Cool. I guess Jenna didn’t have a meltdown after all?” I ask, handing
her a beer.
“Yeah, she wasn’t
too happy about it at first, but I think she may have enjoyed it more than I
did.” She smiles so big it causes her eyes to crease. It’s the largest smile
I’ve seen from her and it almost takes my breath away. Then her smile fades and
she scrunches her nose. “It smells like something’s burning.”
“Shit.” I run past
her and down the hall. When I open the oven, smoke escapes and I can see that
the bread is torched.
HOLLY
Jenna and I help
clear the table when we finish with dinner.
“The food was
awesome; where did you guys learn to cook like this?” I ask, piling the plates
neatly and sitting them next to the sink.
“I’m not the cook.”
Carter laughs. “Betty Crocker over there is the chef. I’m just his assistant,
helping him out with whatever he tells me to do.”
“That’s right,”
Josh agrees. “And it would’ve been even better if you listened and hadn’t burnt
the bread, dumbass.”
Carter laughs and
shakes his head, holding out his hands to take the second round of dishes I
have in my hand. “Here, let me take those.”
“No, you guys
cooked; Holly and I will clean.” Jenna approaches the sink and looks over at
me.
“Yeah, it’s only
fair,” I agree.
“Hey, no arguments
here. I love to cook, but cleaning sucks,” Josh says, leaning back in his
chair. “Well, what do you two ladies want to do for the rest of the evening? We
could go to Sterling’s? I hear that they have a pretty good band tonight?”
“Yeah, speaking of
Sterling’s,” Jenna begins and I glance at her, giving her my best pleading
look, hoping she won’t say what I think she’s about to. “We could go and Holly
over here could keep her end of a deal.”
My stomach twists
and I glare over at her.
“What deal?” Carter
asks.
“Oh, Holly and I
made a deal today. I, being the bestest best friend in history would agree to
jump out of a perfectly good airplane, if she would sing at open mic night
again at Sterling’s.”
“We agreed before
senior year ends,” I say through gritted teeth. “Plus, it’s not open mic night
tonight. It’s battle of the bands.”