Once she finishes,
I can’t help shaking my head and laughing. “Wow, you’ve got it bad, don’t you?”
She sighs and
closes her eyes. “Yeah, I think I do.”
My heart feels
warm, knowing that she is happy and has found someone. “Well, I can’t wait to
meet him.”
Her eyes pop open
and she swallows deeply as a worried look crosses her face.
“What is it?” I
ask.
She takes another
sip of her wine and bites her bottom lip, hesitating. “There’s something I have
to tell you about him.” She pauses and exhales loudly, refusing to meet my
eyes. “Something that I don’t think you’re gonna like.”
“Okay,” I draw out
the word. My mind is moving a mile a minute, trying to figure out what could
possibly be so bad. What would cause her to be so nervous?
“Jenna, come on,
tell me.” The look on her face is killing me.
She takes in a
large breath. “He’s… um… he volunteers on the mountain… he’s part of the rescue
team.” The last few words that come out of her mouth are barely above a
whisper, but I hear them loud and clear.
My stomach twists
and instinctively my arms wrap themselves around my midsection as I squeeze
down. It’s something I’ve done over the last few months in order to stop the
pain from spreading throughout my body. It never really works, of course, but
it’s just become a habit now. A few seconds pass and I release the hold on my
stomach, finally feeling like I can breathe again. It’s sad to know that just a
few words can still cause such horrible pain.
“I’m so stupid. I
shouldn’t have said anything.” Jenna shakes her head and stares down at the
table.
“Hey,” I say,
swallowing the lump that’s rising in my throat. “It’s—it’s fine.”
“Really? ‘Cause you
don’t look fine. You look...” her voice trails off.
“Really, Jenna.
It’s okay.”
“You sure? ‘Cause I
won’t talk about him if it’s gonna hurt you or if you need more time.”
“Jenna.” My voice
is firm and I try my hardest to stretch my lips and form something resembling a
smile. “Do you hear yourself? You’re willing to never talk about your boyfriend
in front of me because he’s part of the rescue team. Don’t be silly. I’m not
that fragile.”
Deep down I know
that I probably am, and every time that she mentions him from now on I’ll think
of Adam, but I’m not about to tell Jenna that. I owe her so much and she
deserves this. She deserves to meet someone and fall in love. She deserves to
be happy.
“Well, there’s one
more thing. I guess I’ll just get it all out now.” She takes in another deep
breathe.
I relax a little,
knowing nothing she says can be as bad as what she just told me.
“He’s friends with
Carter,” she finally blurts out.
Okay, so I was
wrong. Things could get worse.
“Best friends,” she
adds.
Okay, way worse.
“And they’re
roommates.”
Shit
.
I close my eyes.
Why? Why does her boyfriend have to be best friends with a guy that I can’t
breathe around? The guy that, with just one look at his face, one word from his
lips, makes all the memories I’ve tried to forget come rushing back.
It’s fine, I tell
myself. I can continue to avoid him. Just because Jenna’s boyfriend is best
friends with Carter, it doesn’t mean that I’ll have to start being friends or
anything with him, right? There’s a chance that our paths would’ve crossed at
some point and I’m going to have to get over it eventually, right? I open my
eyes back up and find Jenna looking at me intently.
“So on a scale from
zero to a shitload, how much do you hate me right now?” Jenna asks, her
expression guarded.
I force out a laugh
and shake my head. “Zero. If he makes you this happy, then I’ll deal with it.”
“Really?” She
sounds relieved. “A part of me knows you’re full of shit, but the other part of
me loves you for wanting to try.”
“Can we make a
deal?” I ask, still trying to get a grip on my emotions.
“Sure.” Her voice
is hesitant.
“From now on, no
more secrets. No more treating me like I’m some fragile little egg that could
crack at any moment. And most of all, no more hiding cute guys you’re dating.”
I smile at her. “I need you to be normal and treat me normal, so I can be
normal again.”
“Normal,” she
repeats and nods her head. “I think I can do that.”
Chapter
Three
You cannot find peace by avoiding life.
~ Virginia Woolf
Friday’s here
before I know it and my first week of senior year is officially over. Even
though there were days when I dreaded starting school again, I have to admit that
it feels good to get back into a routine and have something to focus on besides
my own internal depressing thoughts.
More than anything,
though, I’m looking forward to getting my life back, hanging out with Jenna,
and maybe even having a little fun in the process. I overheard a few girls in
class talking about a new club across from campus. It had opened this summer
and is a great place to go and dance. It has been so long since Jenna and I
have had a girl’s night out.
When I get home, I
find Jenna in her closet. She’s kneeling down on the floor with her back
towards me and clothes are flying in every direction.
“What are you
doing?” I ask, catching a shirt before it hits my face. I glance around her
room, eyeing the clothes and shoes that are strewn across her floor and bed.
“I can’t find my
blue top; you know the one that makes my boobs look really good?” Her voice is
slightly panicked.
“You mean the one
with the sequins across the neckline?”
“Yes! Have you seen
it?” She glances back over her left shoulder, her eyes hopeful.
I nod, smiling. “It
was hanging in the laundry room this morning.”
“Ugh, the one place
I haven’t looked.” She sighs and pushes herself up off the floor. “I’ve been
looking for that shirt everywhere.”
“Hey, do you have
plans tonight?” I ask, following her back through the living room and into the
kitchen. I open the fridge door, hoping to find something remotely healthy to
snack on, but as I scan the empty shelves, I settle for a bottle of water.
“I was hoping
we
would have plans.” She glances at me over her shoulder. “Now hear me out before
you say anything, okay?”
“Okay.” I answer,
my voice cautious. Sure, I wanted to go out tonight, but the look on her face
and tone in her voice make me nervous as to what she’s about to propose.
“Well, there’s a
barbeque tonight at Josh’s place, but don’t worry, I’ve already checked and
Carter won’t be there,” she finishes all in one breathe. I guess to make sure I
don’t give her a resounding no before she can get it all out.
I take a large gulp
of water and swallow. Before I answer, I scan over her features and see the
desperation in her eyes. It makes me realize that this is exactly what I don’t
want to happen. I don’t want the issue I have with Carter to get in the way of
my relationship with my best friend or her relationship with her boyfriend. As
much as I don’t want to admit it, Carter not being there is a step in the right
direction and, for that reason alone, it increases my chances of going.
“Sounds fun.” I
shrug, taking another sip of water.
“Really?” she asks,
her eyes wide. “That easy? You’re not going to make me beg?”
I shake my head.
“Wow, I thought I
was going to have to promise you my first born or something.”
❧
We pull up to a
house where a few cars line the driveway and along the curb. It’s a nice
house—a really nice house. I look around the neighborhood and wonder how two
college students can afford to have a place like this.
“Crazy, nice house,
huh?” Jenna asks, taking the words right out of my mouth.
“Yeah, really nice.
Is this one of their parents’ house or something?” I peer out the window and
take in the two story house that’s covered in river rock and redwood. There’s a
flag stone path leading up to the expansive front porch.
“Yeah, it’s Josh’s
parents’ place... one of many. They have like five houses spread out over the
country. Why couldn’t I have been blessed with rich parents that gave me their
big, badass house to spend my college years in?”
“Hey, I like our
apartment,” I argue and glare over at her, pretending to be offended.
She smiles. “You’re
right. The house may be super badass, but it doesn’t come with you, so I’d give
it back in a heartbeat.”
I return her smile
and then shift my eyes back to the house in front of me. Nerves are swimming
around in my stomach and I try to tell myself to calm down. This is not a big
deal. It’s just a small get together at my best friend’s boyfriend’s house.
It’s
not a big deal
.
“You okay?” Jenna
asks when she turns the car off.
“Yeah, I’m good.”
“You sure? You
kinda look like you’re gonna puke.”
I turn to glare at
her again, this time not pretending. “Thanks. Real confidence booster.”
“Kidding.” She
smiles. “You look beautiful as always. Now, let’s go have some fun.”
We get out of the
car, walk up the flagstone path, and directly into the house, not even
bothering to knock. I find it odd, but then, I have to remind myself that Jenna
and this guy, Josh, have been dating for a few months now. I’m sure it is
totally comfortable for her to just walk into his house. We enter into a foyer
that’s covered with slate tile where I can hear voices and laughter floating
down the hall. My whole body feels warm and my hands are clammy, something that
happens to me when I get really nervous. Running my hands down the front of my
jeans, I try to get a grip on myself. It’s crazy to think that I’m this
nervous. They are just people—normal human beings—not aliens from another
planet.
Jenna loops her arm
through mine and tows me down the hall and into the living room. She introduces
me to a few people as we make our way to the kitchen. They are mostly guys—guys
that I’ve never met before and yet, a few of them look familiar.
I must have
seen them around campus or something
, I tell myself.
The guy I had seen
Jenna hanging all over at Sterling’s is leaning against the kitchen counter
with his arms crossed, talking with another guy. “Hey, there you are, babe,” he
says when he spots Jenna. A huge smile appears on his face, but the moment his
eyes meet mine, his expression changes. Shock and pity cross his face.
Great.
“Josh, this is
Holly. Holly, Josh,” she says when we approach him. Her smile is growing larger
by the second as she glances between the two of us.
“Hey, it’s good to
meet you. I’ve heard a lot about you.” Josh sets down his can of Red Bull and
holds out his right hand.
“Yeah, I’ve heard a
lot about you, too.” I return his smile and we shake hands.
There’s an awkward
silence and I search my mind for something to say. Luckily, Josh speaks up and
bails me out.
“Well, why don’t
you two ladies go grab a drink and head out back? I’ve fired up the grill and
I’m about to put the steaks on.” He winks at Jenna and she blushes, biting her
lip. I can’t help being shocked at her reaction. I’ve just never seen her act
like this around a guy before.
“That sounds like a
great idea,” Jenna says, grabbing my hand. She tugs me down a long hallway that
eventually dead ends into the garage.
“He’s cute and he
seems really nice,” I say when we’re finally alone.
“Yeah, he’s pretty
great. I keep trying to find something wrong with him, but he’s just too
perfect.” She sighs and pulls open the refrigerator, which is stocked full of
every beer known to man. I look around the garage and take in the dart board on
the far back wall, the pool table that’s centered in the room and a brown leather
couch against the back wall. I quickly realize that this isn’t a garage—this is
a man cave. I also can’t help noticing how Jenna looks so at home; walking into
Josh’s house, knowing all of his friends, and making a bee line to where he
keeps his beer. It makes me wonder how many times she has been here since
they’ve been seeing each other.
It seemed like she
was always at our apartment this summer, never wanting to leave my side, but I
guess there were a few nights when she went out. She had begged me to go with
her, but I had always told her no.
“He didn’t know I
was coming over, did he?” I ask as she hands me a beer. She pops the caps off
both our beers before meeting my eyes again and then she gives me that look.
The look I’ve seen a million times before. The girl is extremely talented when
it comes to expressing an emotion with just her face. Since I have been her
roommate and best friend for over three years, I have come to know most of
them. This specific one is her please-don’t-hate-me face.