"Are you lying to me?" I whispered as I
stared down at her pale face, her sunken eyes. She was. I knew she
was. She could deny it as much as she wanted. Something was very
wrong and I felt like an asshole that she was in my house, fixing
my goddamn mess, when she looked so exhausted…
"Have I ever lied to you?" she demanded as
she rested her hands on her hips.
"No, but…" My voice broke off as Linda
grabbed my arms and hugged me tightly.
"Then stop doubting me," she said in husky
tone. "I love you, Kyle Carter, and I'm damn proud of the man
you've become."
I held her in my arms and fought down the
feeling of dread that was filling me. "I love you too."
****
Lee was curled in a ball on our bed. I stood
in the doorway, drinking her in. She was still here. I'd lost
control and she was still here. For me…
"Princess," I choked out.
Her head snapped up and she sat straight up,
eyes unblinking, as she wiped her cheeks with the back of her hands
and stared at me. The light coming from the hallway behind me
illuminated her tear stained face.
"Lee…" I shrugged my shoulders and dropped my
hands to my sides. I stepped closer. "I'm so sorry, baby…" I didn’t
get a chance to say anything else because Lee scrambled off the bed
hurled herself into my arms.
"Are you okay?" she cried as she kissed my
neck. Grabbing my face with her hands, she kissed me hard. "Oh,
Kyle. I was so worried…I love you. I love you so much."
"I love you too," I whispered against her
mouth as I hoisted her into my arms and carried her back to bed.
"And I'm so fucking sorry for scaring you," I mumbled between
kisses as I lowered her down on the bed and stretched out over her.
"And for your forcing your mom on you…"
"I forgive you," she gasped as she kissed me
hungrily. "I understand." Her tears soaked my face, her fingers
threaded through my hair, and her hands pulled my neck closer to
her. "Just…let it all go, Kyle. All the pain with your dad. Let it
all out...I'm on your side," she vowed as she kissed my lips, my
neck, my cheeks… "I'm always on your side and don’t you ever forget
it."
God, I was drowning in her love…
"The things you do to me," I mumbled against
her neck. "The things you make me feel…" I pulled back to look at
her. "It feels like someone is ramming in a red hot poker into my
heart and all I feel is the burn." I brushed the tears away from
her cheek with my thumb. "The fucked up thing is I want more. I
want the pain, Lee. I want it all. This pull...it's addictive. I
wasn't wrong when I said you'd ruin me," I admitted. "Thank you,
Lee…for sticking it out with me. For loving me."
"I'll be sticking it out with you for the
rest of my life," she vowed, looking up at me with those beautiful
gray eyes. "And I want you to know that I'm so proud of you, Kyle.
I am so proud of every single part of you. I couldn't love you more
if I tried."
"Jesus, Lee," I choked out. "There's nothing
on this fucking planet that shakes me up like you do, baby."
"Please don’t push me away again," she
whispered. "Ever. I mean it, Kyle."
"I won't," I vowed as I stroked her nose
with mine. "My little Tails."
****
My phone vibrated on the bedside table next
to my head. I gently rolled Lee off my chest and onto her back
before reaching for my phone. "Yeah," I mumbled as I rubbed my eyes
with my free hand, then glanced at the alarm clock. 04.25.
"Kyle…" Derek slurred. I could barely make
out his voice because the line was so fuzzy. "I'm lo…Ky…help…"
"Der?" I whispered sitting up quickly.
"Where the hell are you, man? I can barely hear you."
"Gone...Kyle. She's…aw shit," I caught him
say before the line went dead.
Goddammit.
Kissing Lee on the forehead, I slipped out
of bed and carried my jeans and shirt into the hallway to dress.
Opening Hope's door I peeked inside. The pink glowworm shaped
nightlight Cam had bought her illuminated her room. Content that
Hope was safe, I rushed down the stairs and grabbed my keys.
****
Lee
The sound a car engine roaring to life woke
me from my sleep. Reaching for the lamp on my bedside table, I
flicked it on and looked around. Oh god…
Kyle was gone.
Dressing quickly, I rushed down the hall to
check on Hope. She was sleeping soundly and I breathed a huge sigh
of relief. She was my first thought most mornings and even though I
could see she was fine I still had a bad feeling in the pit of my
stomach. Something was very wrong. I could feel it.
Creeping down the stairs, I turned on each
light switch I passed in the process.
"Kyle?" I called out when I made it
downstairs to the kitchen. Uh, I closed my eyes when I switched the
light on and kept them closed for a few seconds before slowly
opening them. I knew nothing would be there, but sometimes my eyes
played tricks on me and I saw things that weren't there.
Especially when it came to kitchens…
****
Kyle
I found him in Cam's bedroom.
It was trashed and his fist was in an even
worse condition. "I'm sorry," Derek slurred from where he was
huddled on the floor in a pool of blood and vomit. "I couldn't stop
the…blood."
"Come on, dude," I said as I bent down and
hoisted him up. Regret filled me. I should have taken care of him
this morning…but I'd left him on his own. I was a piss-poor excuse
for a friend. "Let's get you cleaned up."
I half-carried half-dragged him across the
hall to the bathroom. Helping him out of his shirt, I sat him on
the toilet seat and turned on the shower. "I'm dying, Kyle," he
sobbed as he wrapped his arms around himself.
Jesus, his whole body was shaking violently
and I thought I would fucking collapse from the sight. I'd only
seen Derek cry three times in my life. The night Cam died, the day
she was buried, and the day I found him on the side of the
road…
"The pain is killing me," he told me as he
pulled at his hair. "I can't breathe. It's going to kill me. I'm
going under."
"I'm gonna fix this," I told him as I took
his shoes and socks off for him. "I'm gonna get you better, I
promise."
Hoisting him up, I got his jeans off and
held him under the shower until the blood and vomit washed off his
body. "I'm sorry you have to do this for me," he mumbled as he bent
his head in shame.
"I delivered a baby, dude," I told him.
"This is a piece of cake."
"Ah shit," he sobbed. "The girls…"
"The girls are fine," I assured him as I
stretched over and grabbed a towel off the rail. "They're missing
you though."
"I'm no good for them."
"You are our family," I growled as I helped
him out and draped the towel around his shoulders. "It's time you
came home to your family."
Derek's shoulders sagged as he sighed.
"Yeah."
****
Lee was sitting at the table when we walked
into the kitchen. Her eyes fell on Derek and she was moving before
I had a chance to open my mouth to explain.
"You're home," she whispered as she wrapped
her arms around him. I watched as he shuddered and held my fiancé
tightly. He ducked his face into her neck as she stroked his hair
and whispered into his ear. He was nodding and with each nod he
squeezed her tighter.
If this was any other guy I would be pretty
fucking pissed. But this was Derek. He loved my girl like a sister
and she loved him with the fierceness of a lioness to her cub.
She was comforting her brother.
He had come home.
****
Chapter 18
Keep
your eyes on the road, baby.
Lee
"Can I ask you a question, Kyle?" I asked as
I sat on a garden swing, watching Kyle as he pushed Hope on the
baby swing-set in the back yard. It was the first week of January
and the weather was bitter cold, but we were all wrapped up and
Hope looked adorable in the pink snowsuit Kyle had bought her when
he took us on a day trip to Aspen last weekend.
It had been over a month since the David
incident and the change in Kyle's behavior had been quite drastic.
He spent all his time at home with us and I wasn't sure if he was
doing this because he was upset over the way he had reacted with
his dad or because he wasn’t busy with work. I guessed it was the
former, but I wasn’t complaining. I wanted him at home with us,
especially when he was being so attentive. He hadn’t brought up the
topic of my mother– not once–and we were getting along really well.
And now, courtesy of my fast-track fiancé, I was the proud holder
of a learner's driving permit.
But the best thing about the past month was
the fact that Derek was currently snoring his head off in his new
room in our basement. Thank god…He wasn’t anywhere close to his old
self, but he was getting there.
Baby steps…
He was eating
three meals a day again–courtesy of Chef Carter–and he hadn’t
touched a drop of alcohol since the night Kyle brought him home. He
spent a lot of his time tucked away in his room, but at least he
was with us. For now, that was the most we could ask from him. I
never found out what happened between Derek and David, and neither
had Kyle. We'd both–on several occasions–tried to coax it out of
him, but Derek wasn’t talking…
Christmas had been a quiet event, just the
three of us and Hope. The same went for New Years. For Hope's
benefit, we had put up a tree, but none of us were really feeling
festive. Derek had struggled with it being his first Christmas in
five years without Cam. I'd silently mourned the one year
anniversary of miscarrying our baby, and Kyle…Kyle had spent half
the day arguing on the phone with Linda's sister, Patty. According
to Patty, Linda had flown out to Michigan to spend the holidays
with her family, but every time Kyle phoned to speak to Linda,
Patty had fed him excuse after flimsy excuse. He'd tried to hide
his pain, but I knew he was hurting…All three of us had been in
apprehensive moods that day and ended up eating pizza instead of
turkey We'd celebrated bringing in the new year with a game of
monopoly–Kyle had kicked our butts–and I was beginning to think
that we were making our own tradition of boycotting tradition…
"If it has to do with tasting more of your
cookies, then no, Lee. They suck, baby," Kyle chuckled as he
grinned at me. His nose was red, his hair was covered with a gray
beanie hat, and I wanted to growl in appreciation. I sent a small
prayer up to his momma, thanking her for creating such a beautiful
man.
"It doesn’t, but the cookies weren’t that
bad, Kyle," I said, even though I knew they were. I had attempted
to make a batch of chocolate chip cookies last night, and I really
didn't know what happened, but somewhere during the process I'd
made a terrible mistake with ingredients and Kyle, being my
taste-tester, had ended up in the bathroom with his head in the
toilet bowl for the best part of an hour.
"Tell that to my stomach," he muttered as he
gave Hope another push. "So, what's your question?"
"I was just wondering if you ever think
about the other baby." I wasn’t sure whether I should bring it up
or not. It was a raw subject for both of us, but for Kyle the topic
of my miscarriage was taboo. I knew he felt responsible, and in the
past I'd selfishly put the blame on him. It wasn't his fault
though. It wasn't anyone's fault. It was…it just was. I didn't want
to say it was just one of those things, because that phrase
disgusted me. It wasn't just one of those things. I thought about
the baby I'd lost every time I looked at Hope.
Kyle's hand faltered for a moment before he
continued to push Hope. "Yeah, princess, I do." He sighed heavily.
"Every day."
"Really?" I whispered, feeling deeply
comforted with the knowledge that we were both in this together. He
felt it too. We felt the same pain. We were connected through
it.
Pushing Hope once more, Kyle stepped away
from the swing and came and sat beside me. Wrapping his arm around
my shoulders, he kicked his foot on the grass, making our swing
move gently. "I think about whether they would have been
identical…hair color, eye color, temperament…I think about all of
it, Lee," he said quietly. "I think he would have been a boy."
"So do I," I whispered as I placed my hand
on his denim-clad thigh. "Do you ever feel like we were robbed,
Kyle?"
"Constantly," he replied, his arm tightening
around me as he stared straight ahead, his eyes locked on our baby.
"I look at Hope now, and all I can think of…is my son should be
sitting on the swing beside my daughter."
"I love you, Kyle," I told him as I tucked
into his warmth.
He chuckled softly before saying, "Ah, but
will you still love me later?"
"Why?" I eyed him suspiciously. "What are
you planning?"
"Lesson number ten," he said with a grin.
"How to change gears without fucking up the clutch of my car…maybe
this time you won't take out half the house."
"It was one flower pot, Kyle," I retorted as
excitement bubbled inside of me. Kyle had started teaching me to
drive a few weeks ago and he was referring to the one teeny-tiny
incident we happened to have–which had been
his
fault in the
first place. He pulled the damn wheel when I was trying to shift
gears. Yeah, I was a little close to the house, but I had it
totally under control until he started to scream like a girl,
claiming that I was going to drive into the side of the house. If
his car was an automatic it might be easier to learn, but no, of
course, Kyle freaking Carter was old school and had to drive a top
of the range
manual
Mercedes Benz…