Falling for Autumn (21 page)

I pulled to the side of the road several blocks away from Blake’s apartment. I rested my head against the steering wheel and released a wail from my lungs. I let go of every pent-up emotion and my back began to shake as an endless number of sobs racked my body.

I had suffered loss before, but losing Blake felt like my heart was being shredded over and over again. I tried to tell myself I should feel nothing since loving Blake was an illusion. It wasn’t love if you never truly knew who that person was. But I gained no comfort from the thought and I surrendered to the hurt. I was mourning the loss of the man I thought Blake was and trying to come to terms with my hopes for a forever with him vanishing in the span of minutes.

The sensation of having my spirit broken was oddly familiar. My limbs were heavy and my only desire was to crawl under the covers and hope to remain unnoticed as the world passed me by. To stop my automatic impulse to check out of my life once again was to tap into my rage. I had built a life away from Newpine, and Mr. Bridges and his son were trying to steal it away from me.

I returned to the student lounge in a daze.
Lexi took one look at my face and rushed me back to our room. I had pulled it together enough to drive back to campus, but I was on the verge of another breakdown and didn’t need an audience for it.

Lexi
was appalled as I told her what had happened at Blake’s and revealed his true identity. She comforted me as she voiced many of the questions I had out loud. Why did he seek me out? What did he have to gain by pretending to be my friend and then later my boyfriend? Did he still have a relationship with his stepfather since he was imprisoned?

When I couldn’t answer any of her questions, she quieted down and sat next to me while I laid my head in her lap. She smoothed my hair back and made comforting noises in the back of her throat. My mom was miles away, but
Lexi would be there for me as I tried to survive my devastation. I wanted to call my mother more than anything, but I was too ashamed. It was humiliating to admit what a fool I’d been. I’d been blinded by Blake’s beauty and his manufactured kindness. Again, I had failed to see what truly lurked below the surface.

“What’s wrong with me? How could I miss something this major?”

“You never saw what his son looked like, right?” I shook my head. “And Blake must have been careful about what he told you so you wouldn’t figure it out.”

I knew Mr. Bridges had a son and a daughter, but I hadn’t known much about them. Mr. Bridges spoke mostly about Cassie during our tutoring sessions and only mentioned his children in passing. If he ever mentioned their names, I hadn’t remembered them. They hadn’t appeared in any media reports and my guess was their mother had kept them out of the spotlight when the scandal broke. Before Blake approached me at the football party, they were innocent bystanders to what their father had done.

Looking back, I could see a few scarce hints at what Blake was hiding, a breadcrumb trail to the truth. Our first meeting was awkward and he’d been standoffish about me being at the party. Belatedly, he must have realized I didn’t recognize him. He had the opportunity then to walk away or to at least tell me who he was and give me the chance to avoid him. But he had tried to foster a friendship and I had no idea why.

“I don’t know what to say to make this better. I honestly thought Blake was a good guy and it’s so hard to believe that he did any of this to hurt you.”
Lexi chewed her nails as I sat up next to her. At my questioning look, she added, “It seems far-fetched to me that Blake would spend months trying to build a relationship with you if he was looking to get revenge for what happened with his stepfather.”

“So, you think he honestly loves me?”

“Yes, I do.” I opened my mouth to protest, but Lexi held up a hand to silence me. “I’m not saying just because he loves you makes anything he has done any less repulsive. Blake’s obviously troubled and I can’t even begin to dream up a good reason he lied to you.”

“He kept saying he wanted to be honest about his past, but he never followed through. He said we were going to talk this weekend.”

I cringed as I thought about how close I’d come to losing my virginity. At least he had enough of a conscience to not sleep with me without coming clean about who he was. Blake had always held back when we began a physical relationship and I thought it was because he respected me. The truth was he knew every filthy detail about my past before I confessed. The only question remained was whose version did he believe: his stepfather’s or mine?

***

Hours later, I finally convinced Lexi to return to her studying. She would gladly set it aside if I needed her, but there was no magic remedy for what ailed me. I considered taking my medication, but panic wasn’t the only emotion I couldn’t get a handle on. I was angry and hurt and didn’t understand what I’d done to deserve being dealt such a shitty hand. Why did I have to fall for the one person I could never have a happy ending with?

I had two miserable weeks to finish out at Cook and it seemed impossible. I was going to have to write my term papers and take my finals while my life imploded. I’d have to call my art history professor and ask about taking my exam at an alternate time since I couldn’t stand the thought of being in the same room with Blake for an hour. I’d have to make up a good excuse since the truth was beyond belief.

Lexi set her book aside and looked over at me as I crumpled another tissue and tossed it in the garbage. “Do you want to go anywhere? Maybe try to take your mind off of him?”

“I don’t think I would be good company right now. I’m debating just calling my mom and dad and asking them to pick me up.” I put more steel into my voice as I continued, “But then I think about it and I realize screw that. I’m so sick of being chased away. I had to leave high school because of Mr. Bridges and I refuse to leave college because of Blake.”

Lexi looked relieved and a few minutes later she returned to her books. I stood up and dared a glance in the mirror. After sobbing for hours, it showed on my face. My cheeks were swollen and tear-stained. My eyes were lifeless and bloodshot; they burned from the lack of moisture. My hair was unruly and frizzy from lying in bed. I was chilled by the reflection and recognized the girl I saw—she was the seventeen-year-old version of me.

I started at the knock on the door and looked to
Lexi for guidance. She shrugged as if to tell me she wasn’t expecting anyone. She skirted around me to check the keyhole. A second later, she breathed out, “Shit. It’s Blake.”

My heart plummeted and my legs threatened to give out from under me. I gripped the edge of my desk to steady myself.
Lexi gave me a reassuring smile before squaring her shoulders and turning back to the door. She opened it and before I could hear Blake say a word, she barked out, “Go away, Blake. She doesn’t want to see you.”

“I need to talk to her and at least e
xplain myself—”

“Haven’t you done enough? Are you some sort of masochist? You have to come here and see what kind of pain you caused her?”

“No. It’s true I’m a fucking horrible person for lying, but I thought telling her the truth would only hurt her more. I’m a coward and I deserve it if she hates me. But I still need to make sure she’s okay.”

Lexi
scoffed. “Of course she’s not okay. And if you don’t walk away in the next five seconds, I’m calling security to remove you from this building.”

I chewed on my lower lip before making a move in the direction of the door. I sidestepped
Lexi and said, “It’s fine, Lex. I want to talk to him.”

Lexi’s
eyes bulged and I could see her inwardly question my sanity. “Autumn…”

I squeezed her shoulder. “I want to know the truth about everything and he’s the only one who has the answers.”

I remembered what a mind fuck it was to have questions that would forever go unanswered. Almost daily, I would want to march down to the prison and glare at Mr. Bridges as I screamed, “
Why?
” Why did he choose me? Why didn’t he walk away before he destroyed us both?

Lexi
looked conflicted and nodded. “Should I stay?”

I hesitated. “I should probably talk to him alone.” I gave Blake an uncertain glance. “He won’t hurt me.”

Blake flinched and I could tell it bothered him how unsure I sounded over the possibility of him hurting me. I didn’t believe Blake would physically hurt me, but it was too late to undo the psychological damage done. He looked like hell—his hair was standing up straight in the back and his eyes were bloodshot—but how could I believe any emotion he showed me was sincere? The only fact I knew about him for sure was he had the ability to break me without lifting a single finger against me.

Lexi
took her time gathering her things and I appreciated the time to pull myself together. I could feel Blake’s eyes on me as I leaned against the desk and stared at the far wall. He stood to the left of the doorway and I could feel his uncertainty about venturing further into the room. It felt like we had fallen into an alternate universe compared to the last time we were alone in my room together. Blake shifted his gaze to my bed and I wondered if he was thinking the same thing.

Lexi
stopped in front of me and handed me my cell phone. She wrapped my fingers around it and instructed, “You need anything, just call me and I’ll be here.”

“I will.”

Satisfied with my promise, she hurried out of the room, but not before giving Blake a warning glare. I was taken aback by her fierceness and acknowledged once again how lucky I was to have her.

Once the door closed behind
Lexi, the room remained quiet and still. Blake stuffed his hands in the pockets of his hooded sweatshirt and took a tentative step toward me. His voice cracked as he began, “I wanted to tell you who I was so many times, but I always backed out at the last minute. I knew the second I said I was Thomas’s stepson, I would lose you forever.”

“You never had me, Blake, if I never knew who you really were.”

Blake’s expression crumbled. “I deserve that. I was going to tell you this weekend when you stayed over. I never wanted you to find out that way. My mother…”

“I don’t want to talk about Cassie Bridges and you’re delusional if you thought you’d tell me Thomas was your stepfather and I would still sleep with you.” I crossed my arms in front of my chest. “Why did you try to be my friend?”

Blake raked his fingers through his hair. “It took me a while to recover from seeing you at the Football House. I saw your picture a couple of years ago when you went to the police about Thomas. Delia and I looked you up online and we were able to see your Facebook profile before you took it down. Later, we got hold of one of your school’s yearbooks and I saw your picture again. I needed to put a face to the name of the person who my parents accused of ruining our family.”

“So your family hated me? That’s no surprise. I’m guessing by how you gave me the look of death at the party, you shared their feelings?”

Blake seemed to collapse into himself at the assessment. “I should probably start from the beginning so this makes sense. My father died when I was two, so I don’t remember a single thing about him. I have a few pictures and I share his last name, but that’s the only connection I have to him. I was pissed off as a kid and I did get into a lot of fights, especially around the time my mom started dating Thomas. But he started spending time with me and we hit it off…”

I cut him off. “He was the boyfriend of your mom’s you mentioned who got you into football.”

Blake nodded. “They married and had Delia soon after the wedding. Thomas was my father in every way but name. He came to every one of my football games and shelled out the money I needed for the clinics in the spring and summer.”

If it were anyone else, I’d be moved by the story. But it was all too familiar and only fueled my wrath. I had wanted to scream at every person in
Newpine,
So what if he was a nice teacher and a good football coach? Why does that make what he did to me forgivable?

I gave him a wry look. “So he obviously pulled the wool over your eyes too. It still doesn’t explain your actions.”

“We were totally floored when the police arrested Thomas. I was a freshman here, but I came home as soon as my mom called and told me what he was accused of doing.” His green eyes became earnest. “Thomas told us he had made a stupid mistake and he would regret it for the rest of his life. He convinced us you were a sexual deviant and had begged him to bed you.”

“And of course you believed it.” I allowed him to hear the disappointment in my voice. He was admitting to having the same mindset as every boy who had harassed me after I filed charges. The truth wasn’t setting me free as
promised, it was throwing me back into confinement.

Blake looked at the floor. “I found the stuff Faye posted about you online. I saw the pictures and read the stories and I took it at face value.”

“And you thought what?” I shouted. I stood up on my toes and got into his face. “You wanted to see if I was really Whorey Dorey?”

I wished he would leave because hearing what he said was akin to being flayed alive. What had Blake wanted from me—to try me on for size and see if I was worth his family’s destruction? The thought led me to hold my hand over my mouth to stop whatever was left in my stomach from spewing out.

Blake’s guilt-stricken face was all the confirmation I needed. “Thomas went to jail and we lost everything. Delia had to switch schools and we had to rely on the money left from my grandparents to live on. It was embedded into my brain that Autumn Dorey was responsible for every problem in our lives. But there’s always been a niggle of doubt in the back of my mind. It seemed like fate when I realized you went to the same college as I did.”

I sneered. “It wasn’t fate, it was a coincidence. The worst kind of coincidence—the kind where the universe decided to give me the middle finger.”