Falling for Autumn (17 page)

I had held onto my virginity, wanting to share my first time with Hunter. I had heard the stories of my friends’ firsts. There were tales of regret intermingled with stories of first love. I craved the latter and it was about to be stolen from me. My first time would be a forced sexual encounter with my teacher, a man more than twice my age who up until minutes ago had been a trusted advisor. There would be no romance and flowers, only a potent combination of blood and tears.

A black and powerful rage forced its way through my hopelessness. He wouldn’t hurt me a moment longer. He had stolen my trust and my faith, but he wouldn’t walk away from the night with my virginity as another one of his spoils.

His hold relaxed as he fumbled with his pants. With his body no longer pressed into me, my hands were free to attack him with as much force as possible. I curled my hands into fists and launched a punch against his chest. My knuckles stung as I pulled away. He had been crouching over me as he undid his pants and the hit was enough to cause him to stumble farther back. I pulled my leg out from under him while he remained stunned, and I concentrated on pushing through his heavy body. I drove the heel of my sandals into his gut. He tried to grab onto my leg to keep from falling out of the car, but he was unsuccessful. He tumbled onto the gravel and landed on his backside. Instantly, he sprung up and tried to reenter the car. I grabbed the door handle and tried to close it before he could make his way inside again. I was remorseless as I slammed the door into his spine and I swore if he wouldn’t get out of the way, I would crush his bones until he was no longer a threat. He clambered to his feet and at the last second he jumped out of the way as I pulled the door shut. My palm slammed down on the lock at the same time he reached the door handle. My panic eased as the door didn’t budge. I hopped over to the driver’s seat and hit the automatic locks to keep him from entering the car from the driver’s side.

His palms smacked on the passenger window and I could hear his rage-filled screams as I tried to search through my bag for the car keys. I tuned him out, allowing his hateful words to fly over my head. I found the keys nestled on the bottom of my canvas bag
but my relief was short-lived, as I dropped them onto the floor. I scrambled to grab them, cursing as my trembling fingers tried to retain their hold on them. The car shook with the force of the blows Mr. Bridges was delivering to the windows and doors and I wondered how much longer I had until he ripped a hole in my car and dragged me out by my hair.

My survival instincts kicked in and I steadied my hand enough to grip the keys and shove them into the ignition. My foot pressed down on the gas pedal and the car roared away from the scene of my attack. I refused to look behind me to see if Mr. Bridges had dared tried to chase down the car.

The violation could’ve lasted minutes or hours. I lost track of time as I sped away from the school. I drove on autopilot, no idea where I was headed. I thought about pulling over until I calmed down, but I was irrational, fearing Mr. Bridges would somehow catch up to me and finish what he started. I kept seeing the raw hunger in his eyes and I knew he would be furious being left unsated. I wasn’t sure where I was heading until I arrived in front of my house.

I didn’t leave the safety of the car at first. I continued to grip the steering wheel, my fingers bloodless.
Finally, I let go, my hands flying to my mouth, trying to stifle my screams. I wanted to be inside with my parents, but I had to find the nerve to unlock the car door and step out into the open. The sky had darkened and it was a moonless night. The interior lights gave the house a warm glow and I wanted to run inside and never come out again.

I left my belongings in the car and sprinted up the porch stairs. I barr
eled through the front door, sliding the deadbolt in place once the door slammed behind me. As I turned around, I saw my parents had rushed out of the kitchen into the foyer to investigate the commotion.

My mother took a tentative step in my direction. “Autumn?” Her arms reached out as she closed the distance between us.

I crashed against the door to prevent her from reaching me. “Don’t touch me,” I hissed.

“Autumn, what’s going on?” My dad tried to fill his voice with authority but I heard the crack in it. I closed my eyes, feeling my shame bleeding out of my pores. I imagined my parents could see what had happened—I visualized imprints left on every
part of my body Mr. Bridges touched. I tried to find my voice and explain, but I didn’t want to say it out loud. I wanted another second to hold onto the belief it was all a horrible and surreal nightmare I would soon awake from.

“Autumn, you need to tell us what happened, so we can help you,” my mother said softly. It was a lie—she couldn’t help me. The only thing that would help was if I could
scrub the last hour out of my memory forever.

“I need a shower.” I shoved past
her and the shock of the violent outburst made her let me go. I took the steps two at a time and ignored my parents’ pleas to come back and talk to them. I had no idea what they were thinking, but maybe it wouldn’t be too far off from the truth. I would give them a reprieve before I forced them to share my pain.

I shut the bathroom door and locked it. Turning on the overhead light, I squinted from the brightness. I caught my reflection in the mirror hung over the sink and gaped at what I saw. My tawny hai
r was in complete disarray, tangled in messy bunches on top of my head. My tears caused my mascara to blacken the skin under my eyes and create messy trails traveling the length of my face. My natural glow was gone completely and had been replaced by a sickly gray pallor.

I stripped down and flinched as I saw the fingernail scratches on the inside of my thighs.
Blood was seeping down my legs and I couldn’t move my eyes to the source. I knew there was more blood and bruises leftover from the night, but a physical inspection was the last thing I wanted to do. I walked over to the shower and turned the knob of the hot water as far as it would go.

Stepping
under the spray, I welcomed the sting of the hot water. The droplets burned as they fell against my delicate skin. I grabbed a scrub brush and moved it rhythmically over every part of my body. My skin protested, becoming enflamed as I refused to stop trying to scour away what had been done to me. It was a fool’s errand because no amount of scrubbing would make me feel clean again.

I didn’t cry when I told Blake about what happened two years earlier. I could feel the dam building behind my eyes, but I wanted to get through the story without falling apart. Surprisingly enough, by the end, the need to cry had passed. I felt lighter, as if I had needed to share my secrets with him in order to ease my own burden.

I brushed over a few details, one being the fact I was a virgin. It was irrelevant—even if I had a laundry list of sexual partners, it wouldn’t negate what Mr. Bridges had done to me. I had also not gone into explicit detail over how Mr. Bridges violated my body. I would never be spared the visual, but at least I could do that for Blake.

“My parents were able to coerce the story out of me and we filed charges.”

The aftermath was another circle of hell to get through. Going to the hospital and having my mother stand next to me as I explained to the doctors and nurses how I’d been violated was humiliating. My clothes and ripped underwear were sealed in a bag and I was put in a hospital gown. I sobbed when the nurses asked for me to spread my legs. Swabs and combs were used as part of the collection and I again used my ability to fade into a state of nothingness to cope. I wasn’t supposed to shower, but no one blamed me.

At first, I wouldn’t say who assaulted me. But then I thought about the possibility of him doing it again or worse yet, Mr. Bridges having assaulted a girl before me and never getting caught.

“An investigation was launched and it became his word against mine. He may have gotten off, but he said it was consensual.” Bile coated my throat over the thought. “He said I had set off to seduce him and that it was a mistake, but he had fallen into temptation.”

“But the police didn’t believe him,” Blake stated.

I shook
my head. “It looked bad for him, the fact he would even consider sleeping with a seventeen-year-old student. There was also evidence, my ripped underwear and the marks on my skin. Although he said it wasn’t an act of violence, that I liked it rough, he knew his defense was flimsy. He took a plea deal and has been in jail since.”

“You didn’t want to go through a trial?”

“No, I couldn’t. The press kept my name mostly out of the whole thing once they got word a teacher assaulted one of his students. But Hunter and my best friend Faye leaked my identity and for some reason decided to make my life a living hell.” I bit the inside of my cheek before continuing. “Everyone believed Mr. Bridges’ version of what happened. Faye corroborated I flirted with him to help out my math grade and shared a lot of unflattering pictures of me on Facebook. They were mostly taken at her house while we were partying and every sin was publicly displayed. And Hunter may have believed me, but I don’t think he cared. I had been sullied in his eyes. I think whether or not it was consensual was a moot point. We broke up when I wouldn’t sleep with him…”

“Motherfucker,” Blake muttered.

“He and his friends started rumors about me. Made up all kinds of stories and everyone believed them. Mr. Bridges was a revered football legend at our school and his arrest made me a target. Our school had a bad case of hero worship when it came to him and it was easier to accept I was a Lolita than that Mr. Bridges was a predator. Two guys grabbed me in the stairwell when I went back to school in the fall and I was done with Newpine High School for good.”

Blake’s eyes iced over as I spoke and his expression turned menacing. It was the second time his temper got the better of him, his dormant bloodthirsty nature pushing forth. The frostiness melted when he saw me watching him. “I wish I could do something. I wish I could go back and protect you from all of it.”

I reached for his hand and squeezed it. “You are doing something. You’re here for me now. I haven’t been able to talk about what happened with anyone besides my parents. I have trust issues and I’ve been afraid if I open up to anyone else, they’ll desert me like Hunter and Faye.”

He was silent as I studied him. He was feral looking with his bloodied face and wild green eyes. But I trusted him. My feelings about Blake were turning serious and I wouldn’t pretend to be someone I wasn’t. I didn’t like talking about Mr. Bridges, but despite my wish
that he was a nonentity, he had altered the course of my life. Blake couldn’t return my feelings if he only knew the parts of me I selectively chose to show him.

“Hunter and Faye weren’t worthy of you.” His expression turned sad. “I’m probably not either, but I’m trying to be.”

“I was afraid to tell you, scared of what you might think of me…”

Blake looked appalled. “What would I think?”

“You would think I was stupid to flirt with my teacher. I invited him into my life by tossing my hair and giggling when he spoke, letting him open up to me about his personal life…”

His hands settled on my elbows and I stopped talking. “Did you tell him no? Did you tell him to stop?” The tears forced their way out and I nodded as I stifled a small sniffle. “Then none of the other stuff matters. It was his responsibility to draw the line. Your actions didn’t warrant what was done to you.” Brushing away my tears, he leaned in closer. Blake’s anguish for me was in his eyes. “I can’t imagine what it’s been like for you and I’m so sorry. But I’m here now and nothing is going to happen to you again.”

“I don’t need a protector…”

He pressed his lips to my forehead. “I don’t only want to be your protector, Autumn. I want to be everything you’ll ever need—because that’s exactly how you make me feel when I’m with you. Like you give me everything I’ll ever want and need.”

“Autumn, I hate to tell you, but you’re terrible at poker.” Finn laughed as he pulled the pile of chips toward him.

“Not true, I always beat Blake when we play,” I protested.

“Then he must be letting you win. It seems like your losing streak started the minute he left the room.”

I let out an annoyed breath and looked toward Blake’s closed bedroom door. He had invited Finn,
Lexi, and Casey to come to his apartment for the night. I appreciated the gesture. After arriving back on campus three weeks ago, I felt like I was neglecting my friendships because of the amount of time I spent with Blake. After the fight with Hunter and my confession, our relationship solidified. I no longer felt like a secret was stuck in my throat and everything I said to him about my feelings were half-truths.

Blake’s talk also encouraged me to open up to
Lexi. Faye and I had had a superficial friendship and it was the reason she betrayed me after the scandal. Lexi and I had only known each other for six months and we had ten times the friendship I had with Faye. Although my panic attacks had been better, I wanted her to understand the root of them. Remembering the feeling of being trapped and the sensation of Mr. Bridges’ unwanted touch on my bare skin were what triggered the panicky feeling. It was worse in the months following the attack, but with distance between me and Newpine and starting my new life at Cook, the anxiety was lessening.

Blake was my champion in all ways. He gave and gave and never asked for anything in return. He wanted me to need him and although I insisted he was giving me more than enough, it never satisfied him. He wanted to strip me of my pain and it was hard to explain to him that what he wanted was impossible. I wanted him to accept what I had learned to—the hurt would lessen, but it had become a part of my chemical make-up.

We had been playing poker for the past hour, but Blake left the table twenty minutes earlier to take a phone call. Since I was out of chips, I left Casey, Finn, and Lexi to finish the game. I joined Darien in the kitchen, helping him clear away the empty beer and soda cans from the counter. “Sorry you’re stuck playing host. Should I go get Blake?” I asked, tilting my head in the direction of his room. I was looking for an excuse to interrupt because as much as I’d become an open book, Blake had secrets. Secrets I needed to unravel before my heart surrendered and I handed him all of me on a silver platter.

“Don’t bother. He’s talking to his mom and if he doesn’t answer the phone, she’ll keep calling until he picks up.”

My shoulders hunched with relief. Blake’s mother was overbearing and I witnessed it firsthand when he tried to send her calls to voicemail instead of answering his cell. Relentlessly, she called until she reached him. She had a hold on him and I didn’t entirely understand it.

“What’s up with that?” I asked and leaned my elbows on the counter. “He’s twenty-one, shouldn’t she be letting go a little bit?”

Darien snorted. “Because she’s a gold digger and it’s her son’s money she’s after.”

“What money?”

“She invests in Blake because she wants him to go pro and take care of her. She’s already milked him of most of the family money willed on his dad’s side.”

Darien looked guilty and turned away from me. I circled the counter and stood next to him. “I’m not going to tell him what you said. I’m just curious why he seems to shut down when I bring up his family.”

Darien glanced over my shoulder to recheck Blake’s door. “You know Blake’s dad died, right?” I nodded. “Well, his dad’s parents tried to be involved in his life, but his mother wasn’t interested. They felt bad about it and set up a huge college fund for him that he’d get access to when he turned eighteen. When he went to college, Blake left enough money in the account to pay for his tuition, but gave the rest of the money to his mom.”

“Is she the reason he doesn’t work? He mentioned getting a part-time job, but said his mother was dead-set against it.”

Darien nodded solemnly. “Because while he’s at school, she doesn’t want anything interfering with his ‘training,’” he said, emphasizing his point with air quotes. “Blake works construction during the summer to manage while he’s at school. But I’m sure she still takes a big cut of what he makes.”

“But why? Why does he feel so obligated?”

“I think it mostly has to do with his little sister. He doesn’t want her to go without anything so he tries to be the man of the house and provide for her and his mom.” Blake didn’t talk much about what life had been like after his dad’s death. The impression I got was men tended to float in and out of his mother’s life, including the man who fathered Blake’s half sister.

I had a dozen more questions, but was cut short by the sound of Blake’s door opening. He came up behind me and enclosed me in his powerful arms. I leaned back against him as he kissed the top of my head. “Sorry about that. My mom was in lecture mode and I couldn’t get her off the phone.”

“It’s fine,” I said and turned around to grin at him. “Although I did lose all of my money to my friends as soon as you left. They figured out you were letting me win the entire time.”

He clutched his hand to his heart. “Me? I’d never do that. You were owning it in that game.”

“Not likely,” I grumbled.

He tucked a piece of hair behind my left ear and bent down to whisper into my ear. “You do own me.”

My entire body buzzed as his warm breath tickled my earlobe. In an instant, my concerns over his complex relationship with his mom vanished. Things were crazy good between us and although I still had a tendency to overthink things, I was allowing myself a chance to enjoy the ride. Blake was a total departure from the callous playboy I imagined he would be from our first meeting. He was respectful of our relationship, totally understanding of my past. Our relationship had become more physical in the past few weeks, but he never pushed for more.

“Will the two of you stop looking like a freaking cheesy
telenovela and play poker?” Casey chided from the kitchen table.

Blake smiled and took my hand as we rejoined the group. Casey shot both couples at the table a disgusted look before addressing Darien. “What’s with them? We’re in college, most people in college are allergic to monogamy.”

“Not Blake and Autumn. I feel like I’m stuck in a tampon commercial crossed with an erectile dysfunction ad when the two of them are around,” Darien teased.

“Why don’t you go out with Will like I told you?” I asked.

Casey pulled a face. “Because he’s so
nice
. It gives me the creeps. I imagine a serial killer lurking behind those pearly white teeth and khaki pants.”

“He dropped off a half of a pizza for her the other night,”
Lexi offered. “It was cute.”

“Yeah. I was completely swept off my feet to receive his discarded food.”

“Will’s a good guy, you should give him a shot,” Blake piped in.

He was silenced by Casey’s glare. “You’re the campus mayor, of course he’s nice to you. He’s not going to reveal his serial killer tendencies to a football player who can crush him with his inhuman strength.”

Blake turned to me. “I have inhuman strength now. Can I add that to a résumé?”

“I’m sure you have other talents you can include,” I said and patted his knee.

“Yeah, have you heard Blake sing? We went to karaoke a couple weeks ago and he left all the girls fanning their hoohas.”

I lifted my eyebrows. “No freaking way! You can sing and you’ve deprived me of the pleasure of hearing you all these months?”

Blake’s cheeks colored and it was likely the first time I witnessed a blush from him. “Darien’s exaggerating. His memory is all screwed up because he was doing shots of Sambuca that night.”

“Bullshit, dude. I live with you. I get a free concert every morning when I hear you in the shower.”

“Finn is a good singer too,” Lexi said while Finn shot her daggers. It was the first time I’d seen his brown eyes look at Lexi with anything less than adoration.

“We should do karaoke now,” I said although the men looked less than thrilled with the idea. “Come on, Finn is clearing us all out anyway.”

“No karaoke machine here. Sorry. Guess we’ll have to figure out something else to do,” Blake said.

“I can download a karaoke application on my MacBook,” Darien said. I laughed at Blake and Finn’s shared look of utter misery.

I pouted. “What’s the matter? Is it emasculating for the big strong football player to sing?”

He rose from his chair, towering over me. “I’m not worried about that. I just didn’t want to show anyone up with my raw talent.”

I clapped and cheered as Darien and Blake set up a makeshift area in the living room for us to do karaoke. I was an average singer, but I was hoping we would get bored before it was my turn. While he moved around the furniture, I gave Blake a once-over. He had been working out a couple of hours a day and paying close attention to what he ate. His body had been sexy before but his recent efforts made him look ridiculously attractive. His core and back muscles tensed under the strain of rotating the couch and I wanted to swallow my tongue over how cut he looked. We’d been mostly clothed during our kissing sessions and when he finally got undressed, I’d be ready to drown in him.

Once they were satisfied with the furniture placement, the men went into Darien’s bedroom to tinker with his MacBook and figure out how to work the karaoke application. Casey turned toward Darien’s bedroom and squinted in the direction of Blake. “Are you finished blushing and fantasizing over how hot your boyfriend is?”

“I’m not,” I protested. After a beat, I whispered, “Okay, maybe a little. But we haven’t applied the boyfriend and girlfriend label yet.” I kept my voice low enough to not carry to Blake’s ears.

“That’s a technicality,”
Lexi said. “You’re both not seeing anyone else and he’s obviously into you as much as you’re into him.”

“He’s great. I thought maybe it was a physical attraction between us, but it’s a lot more than that.”

Casey slipped her thumb inside of her mouth and made a popping sound as she yanked her thumb away from her lips. Lexi and I both gaped at her with confusion. She chuckled. “Sorry, I was providing the sound effects of Autumn’s cherry being popped in the near future.”

I swatted her arm playfully. “Maybe…I don’t know,” I stammered. “I haven’t mentioned the virgin thing and I’m not sure when to. Do I tell him right before we’re about to have sex? Or if I say it beforehand, would it put too much pressure on both of us?”

Casey opened her mouth, but Lexi spoke up. “Just tell him. Blake’s a good guy and he’ll want to take care of you for your first time.”

“Am I being old-fashioned about it? Should I be asking him to take me into his room and jump his bones?”

Casey laughed. “Is that what you want? I picture you as more the candlelight and rose petals kind of girl.”

I was torn over what I wanted. In one sense, my sexuality had been basically latent since I was seventeen and I was relishing how Blake’s touch had reawakened my urges. I was afraid of losing those feelings and it was the reason I thought over and over again about sleeping with Blake.

On the other hand, I was the victim of sexual violence, my body exploited against my will. What if the moment I lay naked before Blake, all the revulsion and fear associated with my attack returned?

But I was trying to separate sex from my assault. Because I never truly believed it before that night, but the attack had little to do with sex. It was about power and control because Mr. Bridges saw me as a conquest. I was part of a fantasy and although I showed resistance, he thought I would really enjoy what he did to me.

The men returning with Darien’s computer cut our conversation short. No one wanted to sing first, but Lexi wore Finn down until he agreed. He chose “Friends in Low Places” by Garth Brooks and it was a good first choice. Finn had a solid country crooner voice and the room sang along with him during the chorus.

Casey decided to go next and sang “Umbrella.” She was slightly tone deaf, but her sultry dance moves made up for her lack of singing talent. My hopes for her and Will were diminishing as I watched her and Darien track each other with their eyes. I wasn’t against the two pairing—Darien was a great guy—but Will worshipped Casey and I imagined his smitten heart breaking from her rejection.

“Not sure how you’re going to follow that performance,” Casey said to Blake. She was breathless as she resumed her seat next to me.

Blake followed Darien to his computer and pointed out the song he wanted to sing. Darien looked skeptical over the choice. “Are you sure?”

Blake winked at me. “Yup. It’ll show Autumn I’m not afraid of losing my big studly football player label.”

“I think you’re the only one who gave yourself that label,” I volleyed back at him.

“Maybe so,” he said and my toes curled when he trained a big grin in my direction. Darien handed Blake his cell phone. It was functioning as the microphone for karaoke since the guys didn’t have a traditional karaoke setup. Blake held the phone up close to his mouth and waited for the song to start.

The familiar chords started and I covered my burning cheeks with my palms. “Please, Blake, no, you can’t be serious.”