Falling for Autumn (7 page)

I chewed my lip as I watched him bring his body upright. I tried to gauge how terrible it would be for Blake to sleep in my room. Did I feel safe enough with him? Despite him being an over-muscled giant of a man, he treated me gently. What if I had a panic attack while he was here? It was far from ideal, but it was a small worry compared to risking his safety. I wouldn’t be able to live with the guilt if I kicked him out and something bad happened to him.

Going over to my closet, I pulled out extra bedding I had stored. “Here’s a pillow and a blanket,” I said and laid them on top of his lap.

He took hold of my hand and held onto my forearm as he rose off of the bed. “Thanks. I’m glad we’re friends.”

Blake was consistently putting the friend label on us. I didn’t know if the constant reminder was for his benefit or mine. Maybe he picked up on my growing feelings and wanted to let me down gently, the same way I had with Josh earlier. If he was worried I’d act on my feelings, I could have told him the chances were very slim.

“Yeah, same here. Now go to bed, so I can get back to sleep.”

Blake released my arm and settled on the throw rug with his blankets and pillows. It didn’t look very comfortable, but no one invited him to crash in my room. I’m not sure what drunken thought brought him to me, but I had too many conflicting feelings over letting him into my bed with or without me in it. After turning off the lights, I crawled under my warm blankets.

Too wired to sleep, I instead concentrated on the sounds of Blake shifting positions on the floor. The room felt overly warm and I understood the temperature change had everything to do with the thought of a gorgeous guy I liked sprawled out inches away from where I slept.

I wondered what it would be like if things became sexual between the two of us. I had pictured sex with Hunter when we were dating, but I was also sixteen at the time. We had fooled around, but he was my first boyfriend and I had no other experience to compare to. Blake’s partner number could be anywhere from one to one hundred for all I knew. It was safe to assume he was more experienced than my loser high school boyfriend and could make my first time incredible. Hunter’s idea for ridding me of my virginity involved a six-pack and the backseat of his friend’s car.

Blake seemed like the type of guy to take his time. I closed my eyes and saw him teasing me with his tongue while his fingers slowly traveled the length of my body. His kisses would deepen and I would want nothing more than to share my body with him. Instead of waiting for him to peel off my panties, I would do it for him. He would be eager to enter me, but instead of rushing things, he’d prolong every pleasurable sensation. Fingering me, sucking my nipples, kissing my navel, until our bodies came together. 

Oh god,
I thought
, I’m having dirty thoughts not about just anyone, but about the guy sleeping in my room.
Fantasizing about sex was a normal thing for most people, but in my case, it was unheard of. There were moments when I imagined ice forming around my nether regions and no man able to melt it. But a late-night visit from Blake left me panting and my panties wet.

I tried to think of inane things to banish my lust. I cringed over the idea Blake would be able to guess where my head had just been. I hoped I wasn’t sending out sex pheromones, advertising that being friends was the furthest thing from my mind.

I started at the sound of his voice. “Autumn, are you still awake?”

“Yeah,” I whispered.

“I never thought when I saw you at the party, I’d end up here. But I want you to know before you end up hating me that I do like you and you didn’t deserve what those assholes did to you in school.”

My throat constricted. “It was just high school bull
ies; it doesn’t matter anymore.”

“It does and I wish I could go back in time and kick all of their asses for you.”

“Thanks.” I paused and mulled over his words before asking, “Why will I end up hating you?”

“Because one day you’re going to see what kind of man I really am and hate me for it.”

“No one’s perfect, Blake. I’ve done things I’m not proud of. What could be so bad I’d hate you for it?”

The silence was heady as I waited for his reply. His pronouncement felt like an extension of the insistence of our friendship—he was warning me away from him. But if he was so scared of me falling for him, why did he force himself into my life?

“Because I have so much rage and it’s ripping apart everything good I have inside of me. I’m fucking toxic, Autumn, and you deserve better than to be mistreated by another dick.”

“Blake, you’re not like those guys in school—”

He didn’t let me finish. “You only know the parts of me I let you see. I’ve done shit, fucked-up shit that’s probably unforgivable.”

I was rendered speechless because as strong as my feelings were for Blake, I wouldn’t be blind to a person’s faults. I made that mistake before and I didn’t want to do it again. Blake had never hinted at a darker side of himself, but I’d come to know men who fooled the masses with their easy smiles, concealing their black hearts.

I rolled over on my side to face away from Blake and called out, “I’m tired, Blake. Goodnight.”

Maybe I was a fool to turn my back on him after his warnings, but the bad guys didn’t warn you first. No, the truly wicked ones lured you in with kindness and then blindsided you with their mercilessness.

It was the second week of my senior year and I was hiding out in the stairwell. I had taken for granted how good it felt to be surrounded by friends, not being on the outside looking in. Maybe I could’ve dealt with the no friends issue, but the hateful whispers and glances as I walked the hallways were more than I could bear. There were also the unseen hands, the quick pinches and grazes that happened while I tried to hold my head up high in the hallway. I never found the culprits, but the touches were unsubtle messages—the boys would do what they wanted to me and I was powerless against them. The summer had been hell, but going back to school was its own unique brand of torture.

It was my lunch hour and the
time of day I dreaded the most. Walking into the cafeteria on the first day thinking everything would be fine was a mistake. The hatred for me was far reaching. The pretties, the girls I had considered my best friends, had thrown the first stone and everyone else had fallen in line like the good sheep they were. Hunter’s rejection had only reinforced what my friends were saying. Autumn was a slut and a liar.

Sitting at a lunch table alone for an hour had made time slow down. Everything had seemed amplified—the whispers felt like screams and the sidelong glances were like slaps in the fac
e. No one wanted to sit with me; it would be too much of an open invitation to become a new target of Faye and Hunter. Faye and Hunter had no issue with openly mocking me from across the room. They would point and laugh, cajoling the others at their table. When my eyes clashed with Hunter’s, I was the first to look away and it killed me a little inside. My hatred grew a thousand-fold; I was disgusted he had the ability to make me cower. I had to dig into my reserves and find the strength that had gotten me through the summer.

I was naïve to believe Hunter and Faye could be ignored. The breakup with Hunter was ugly, but Faye was deceptive and made me believe at first she would always be my friend. Later, I would come to find out she was using whatever I said to her as ammunition. To her, unpopularity was contagious and she would do whatever it took to show she was nothing like me. I never found out whether Faye believed what was said or what made her hate me so. Was it because she felt I lied to her? Or was it because I no longer could play the role of her innocent virginal best friend?

Until I found the
strength to face the bullies, hiding out seemed like my only option. Faye and Hunter weren’t going to let up any time soon and my sense of self-preservation drove me to avoid them at all costs. The stairwell was usually deserted between periods and seemed like the only place on campus I could be alone. I drew my knees to my chest and wished I could curl up into a little ball, close my eyes, and blink myself out of existence.

Sometimes I hated myself and wished I
’d never opened my big fat mouth. I could’ve handled Mr. Bridges for another year—it wasn’t like I’d still have him as my teacher. I could’ve walked by his door every day and kept a grin on my face in the process. I was a cheerleader, for god’s sakes; if anyone had mastered the art of false smiles, it was me. Not that cheerleading was an option anymore. Even if members of the squad didn’t ostracize me, Mr. Bridges—Coach Bridges—was an integral part of our school’s football legacy.

Newpine
was a football town; I, along with most everyone else in the town, lived and breathed the sport. Newpine High School had a winning streak of championship titles and it was attributed to the coaching staff. The football program was a joke before Coach Bridges came to the high school and whooped our sorry-ass team into shape. Walking into the stadium again would be inviting back the memory of a monster I wished to forget.

Voices at the bottom of the stairwell jolted me out of my daze. I scrambled to my feet, but I wasn’t quick enough. I panicked as I heard stomping feet moving closer and saw two sets of broad shoulders enter my view. I
cursed my luck as I identified the voices as seniors Talon and Carter, football players and friends of Hunter’s. I turned toward the landing above and clumsily hurried toward the exit.

Fingers wrapping around my waist stopped me. The feeling of someone touching me again led to an instantaneous fight or flight response. In my rush, I lost my balance and would’ve tumbled down the stairs if rough hands didn’t break my fall. I righted myself on the landing and twirled to face the boys. Carter sidestepped around me and moved between the stairwell exit and me. Talon remained planted in front of me and crossed his arms in front of his chest. His lip curled as he examined me.

I was trapped and it was a feeling I loathed. The loss of control, the idea of someone else controlling my fate—those sensations bred my nightmares. The panic couldn’t be suppressed by the pills prescribed by the psychiatrist and I was left gasping for air as my heart threatened to leap out of my chest.

“What a sad day. Autumn
Dorey…” Talon stopped and cleared his throat. “Excuse me, Whorey Dorey is such a freak she can’t even go into the cafeteria.” He noticed my untouched paper bag lunch on the step and launched it down the stairwell with a swift kick. The bag slammed into the wall and the diet soda exploded. The can swirled around on the ground as the liquid seeped out of it to drench the floor. 

If I weren’t so terrified, I would
have probably rolled my eyes at the cliché he was being. Sometimes I wondered whether I had blinders on the entire time I was in high school. How else could I’ve been friends with boys like Talon and Carter? Was my vanity the reason for my great fall from grace?  Maybe going through hell had its perks, including my twenty/twenty vision in regards to my former friends.

“Leave me alone,
Talon.” I kept my voice even and my tone low. Showing Talon fear would be a mistake. He was like bacteria and my panic would provide him a moist environment to thrive in.

“And if I don’t?” He took a step forward and I
instinctively moved backwards. I had forgotten Carter momentarily, a mistake I realized as he grabbed me roughly from behind. He pinned my arms to my sides while pushing me forward. Serving me up to Talon without a second thought. Talon moved in and I squirmed as his palm caressed my cheek. “Hunter told us about all the sick shit you were into, wanting him to stick his dick in your ass and asking him to come on your face.”

“Hunter’s a fucking liar,” I spat out. I should’ve let them all say what they wanted, but Hunter’s stupid slut
-shaming campaign against me was reaching a feverish pitch. I imagined the lies were his way of healing his wounded pride while also proving I was promiscuous and had asked for those things done to me. Even if Hunter’s lies were true, it was bullshit that the Neanderthals before me believed I somehow deserved their sexual aggression. “Let me go or I’ll scream…”

Carter
cut me off.  “What are you going to scream…rape? We all know how good you are at crying rape when things don’t go your way.”

“Fuck you,” I sobbed. Talon
’s hands moved away from my face and he reached for my breasts. He cupped them roughly before his thumb grazed over my right nipple. He gave it a twist, making me gasp. I cried out, “Stop it! Help me…” I was calling out between sobs, praying for salvation.

Carter
pulled me to him with his right arm while covering my mouth with his free hand. I fought against him, trying to loosen his grip. Finally, he stilled as I heard the door at the bottom of the stairs open.

“Hello, is someone in here?”

I didn’t recognize the voice, but it sounded authoritative enough that my relief was palpable. Talon exchanged a panicked look with Carter over my head. Tossing me like a rag doll, they both sprinted toward the doors behind me. The commotion caused the teacher’s steps to become hurried and my body sagged against the railing. I was safe…for now, I thought. But I wondered how long until it happened again. And what if next time there was no one to scare the boys off?