Falling for Autumn (5 page)

The convenience store was the perfect spot to load up on anything overladen with fat and calories. As I maneuvered through the aisles, I picked up enough junk food to induce an immediate coronary. With my arms overloaded, I chided myself for my overreaction. It was a kiss for god’s
sake, I wasn’t agreeing to marry Josh by pressing our lips together. So what if I hadn’t felt my insides turn to mush when he tried to kiss me? I had to get accustomed to the idea this could be my new reality. I was damaged with most of my reactions beyond my control. I may never again feel my heart in my throat when a guy decided to kiss me.

“Hey, you wiped out all of the cookies, are you planning to share?”

I swung around, caught by surprise. The jerking motion caused me to lose my grip on my snack pile and several of the snack cakes and candy bars fell to the ground. My comfort food scattered across a pair of dark blue running sneakers attached to a pair of muscular legs. My eyes lingered as they scanned from the bottom to the top, leaving me breathless by the time I settled on Blake’s face. I fantasized about touching him, running my fingertips over each muscle in his abs. He was devastatingly handsome and if Blake’s bemused expression was any indication, I hadn’t done a good job of concealing my sudden attraction to him.

Instead of answering, I fell to the ground and gathered up the snacks I pilfered from the shelves. “Excuse me,” I mumbled and sidestepped around him to head to the cashier. Once my food was deposited on the counter, I whirled to face Blake. “How’s it going?”

“Fine, just making a food run for me and my roommate. We’re in the middle of a Madden Xbox war.”

“And you came here?” I asked, remembering he didn’t live on campus. I could
hear the accusation in my voice but didn’t care. My attraction to him bothered me and I didn’t like the feeling that he was poking at my vulnerabilities with a stick. Blake witnessing a moment of weakness didn’t sit well with me. I fought against the labels placed upon me—weak, damaged, pathetic—and I refused to feel that way. The only way I survived was by being a fighter and I wouldn’t go backwards.

“The store accepts our meal plan cards. I thought I’d save some cash instead of heading to 7-Eleven,” Blake elaborated. He checked me out in the same leisurely manner as I had done to him moments earlier. There was a detached look in his eyes as he stared at my bare legs. My appearance seemed to not affect him until I noted how roughly he swallowed before speaking again. “Going somewhere?”

“Actually getting back from a date.” I didn’t want him to see the disappointment in my face about my date with Josh. Swiftly, I turned to the cashier and handed over my card. He handed me the weighed down plastic bag and I made room for Blake to put down his own purchases.

“Oh yeah? With who?” Blake tried and failed to keep his tone as unaffected as his facial expression.

Sometimes I felt a pull toward him and other times my inner voice kept telling me to
run, run far
. Blake didn’t want to like me and I couldn’t get romantically involved. I never could get a read on his motivation for being friends. On the surface, we didn’t seem to have a lot in common.

“Josh,” I answered shortly. I didn’t want to badmouth Josh and I felt embarrassed for him all of a sudden. Blake would be able to tell the date was an obvious failure by the early hour and my attempts at seeking solace through copious amounts of junk food.

Blake opened his mouth to reply, but quickly shut it. He scrutinized me for a long moment before asking, “What are you doing right now?”

“Eating,” I answered and held up my shopping bag for emphasis.

“Want to come over? You can eat at my place and watch me kick Darien’s ass in video games.”

“As fun as that sounds, I’m going to pass,” I said and added, “I’ll see you Tuesday in class.”

Blake was close on my heels as I made my way out of the store. He said to my back, “Autumn, you should come over, it’ll be fun. If you don’t feel like staying for long, it’s not a big deal. I’ll drive you back to campus in a couple of hours.”

I turned to face him. Even with the subdued lighting outdoors, I could still make out the way his green eyes gleamed as he watched me. It was one of the few times in our acquaintance I felt Blake was sincere. He honestly seemed to want to spend some time together without an ulterior motive.

“I probably won’t be the best company.” I inhaled deeply and then said in a rush, “The date with Josh was terrible. It was awkward and when he tried to kiss me I couldn’t go through with it. I’m upset about it and I thought eating chocolate while reading my book in the lounge would make me feel better.”

Leaning back on his heels, Blake considered me for a long minute. He was perceptive and I could see the questions running through his head. Kisses were given away as freely as sticks of gum by most people at our college and were meaningless to most. Even if I was only mildly attracted to Josh, I shouldn’t be so worked up over a kiss.

It all boiled down to my unwillingness to make amends with my past. I couldn’t get over what happened and I could never move forward in my life until I learned to accept it. Beneath the bitterness and pain, I was a romantic at heart. I wanted to be swept away by a kiss and not terrified over what would follow after the kiss.

“You can eat your chocolate and read your book at my place. Maybe Darien and I could give you advice to help you out.”

“I guess it’s better than moping on my own.” I squinted at him. “Plus it will give me a chance to own you at
Call of Duty
.”

Blake laughed and I followed him out of the convenience store. Conversation was stilted as I trailed behind him through the parking lot. I wanted to spend time with Blake, but he made me uneasy. As much as I stressed over my date with Josh, I knew my heart was safe with him. With Blake, I could make no such guarantees.

Blake’s car was unexpected. His confidence and faint air of privilege gave me the impression he was wealthy and would drive a car flaunting his luxurious lifestyle. In fact, his car was a Chevy sedan at least ten years old with several large dings on the doors. It didn’t bother me that Blake had an old beater; in a sense it made him more appealing. It brought him down from the stratosphere back to earth.

While Blake got rid of the clutter on the passenger seat, I took an inventory of the items. Involuntarily my eyebrows raised as I noted the pink sweatshirt draped over the seat. Blake cleared his throat and said, “Sorry about the mess. I was with my sister yesterday and she left all of her crap in my car.”

I relaxed into the seat next to him. “Younger sister?”

“Yes, she’s sixteen and horrible. She thinks because I live an hour away I’m still at her beck and call. I didn’t have classes yesterday afternoon and she connived me into driving her and her friends around shopping.” He stopped at a red light and turned to me. “Do you have any sisters or brothers?”

“No, only child.” I shrugged. “Is it just you and your sister? That’s nice you’re there for her.”

“Yeah, it’s just the two of us. I spend a lot of time at home with her or she comes to stay with me some weekends. This car has seen some miles.”

I was impressed with his devotion to his little sister. Although he was complaining about her, his fond smile told me he cared deeply for her. “At least she’ll be driving soon,” I offered.

“Doubtful since she’d need to work in order to afford a car and she has an aversion to manual labor,” he laughed.

“Would your parents help her out with a car?”

His spine straightened and by the tense set of his jaw I realized I’d unexpectedly walked into a mine field. Before I could analyze what I said wrong, Blake spoke. “My mom’s a receptionist at a doctor’s office and her pay barely covers the bills. My father is…dead.”

“I had no idea,” I muttered. Not that I expected Blake to go around advertising his deceased father, but the conversation was making me realize how little I knew about him. During our time together, the spotlight was always on me. It was the first time I was able to get more background on him.

Blake’s features smoothed out. “I don’t really talk about it, but it’s not a big deal. He died when I was little. I don’t even remember him.”

I was put in the awkward position of deciding whether or not to ask him what happened to his father. Thankfully, Blake picked up on my inner turmoil. “He was in a car accident on his way home from work. A woman ran a red light and it was all over for them both.”

I swallowed hard before turning away to look out the window. Knowing about his father made me think about how much I appreciated my own parents. They never blamed me for what had happened junior year, even when I blamed myself. My mom and dad were the only people I felt hadn’t put me under a microscope, looking for ways to exploit every blemish. My parents lost friends over the past couple of years because of their devotion, but I was certain they didn’t hold me accountable for their losses.

Blake broke the crushing silence. “No need to get all weirded out about my dad. My mom was okay and she tried to make up for the no dad thing. I was kind of a prick kid and she never put up with it. I was angry a lot—picking fights in school and not doing my homework. She had a boyfriend that got me into football and it helped me a lot. Healthier outlet to channel my temper or some Psych 101 shit like that.”

I turned back to face him. “And now you’re in college and the school’s star
running back.”

“
I’m surprised you remember my position since you haven’t been to any of our games.”

“I guess I’ll have to go next year then and see if I’m impressed.”

Blake smiled and it was contagious. It gave me hope we’d get out of our respective funks and salvage the rest of the night. Minutes later, he pulled into a sprawling apartment complex and stopped the car in front of one of the brick buildings. I followed him to his apartment, where he unlocked the door. As soon as it opened, I could hear the sound of referee whistles and cheering crowds coming from the video game. Walking into the living room, I saw a video game controller get launched across the room and a string of expletives released from the form sitting on the couch. The figure turned in my direction and straightened up.

“We have a new challenger. She doesn’t play Madden, but she’s thrown down the gauntlet for
Call of Duty
.” Blake gestured to me with a tilt of his head before going further into the apartment. He set the bags of food on the kitchen counter and began stocking their refrigerator and cabinets with his purchases.

The apartment was open, with the living room, dining room and kitchen connected. The space wasn’t large, but plenty of room for Blake and his roommate. To the right of the living room was a hallway leading to two bedrooms and a bathroom.

“Hi, I’m Darien.” Blake’s roommate stood up, holding out his hand. I did a quick inventory as his large hand dwarfed my own. Darien was tall, a couple of inches above Blake, but had a leaner frame. His hair was shaved with only a slight amount of peach fuzz on his scalp. I immediately took to him, possibly because of his warm brown eyes and bright smile as he shook my hand.

“I’m Autumn,” I replied. Darien’s eyes quickly cut over to Blake in the kitchen before returning back to me. His look hinted that Blake had mentioned me at some point. What concerned me was how taken aback he appeared. It made me feel like he was questioning why Blake had invited trouble into their apartment.

Darien’s smile returned easily, making me second-guess what I was reading into the look. Being the target of bullies in high school left me with a heightened sense of paranoia and I always questioned people’s motives. I had thought Faye, Hunter, and my other friends would always have my back. When they betrayed me, I became mistrustful of everyone around me. Going away to college was a new beginning, but I was still constantly reminding myself to not go looking for trouble.

Darien walked over to the video game console and switched the discs. “So, a hot girl who likes video games? Blake didn’t tell me he was bringing my dream girl home.”

Blake reentered the living room and rolled his eyes at Darien. He asked me, “Do you want something to drink? A beer or I think I have wine coolers?”

Darien snickered. “The wine coolers are for all Blake’s ‘dates’ he brings over.” Darien used air quotes to make his point. Blake leveled him with a deadly stare and I could still hear Darien chuckling as he resumed loading the video game disc.

“I heard you were dating Kaylee. I took biology with her last semester,” I piped up before I could stop myself. I should be trying to steer the conversation away from Blake’s dating life, not acting like I was keeping tabs on who he was dating.

“We went out a couple of times. I didn’t know you were friends.”

I almost guffawed at his last statement. In another lifetime, I would’ve been attracted to a friendship with Kaylee like a moth to a flame. Sometimes I would watch her in class, easily imagining being just like her if my life hadn’t gone down the path it had. I probably would’ve continued cheerleading through college, surrounding myself with other members of the squad, and been a mainstay at the football and basketball games. I fancied myself still in love with Hunter, but if our relationship fizzled, I’d find myself on the arm of another star athlete. I bit my lip as I snuck a glance at Blake. Was the future I thought I was escaping inevitable? Instead of falling for a nice bookish guy like Josh, was my traitorous heart leading me to fall for a Hunter clone?

I realized Blake was waiting for me to elaborate on how I knew about him and
Kaylee. “We’re not friends. Someone just mentioned you were…” I paused and then supplied, “dating.” I sat down on the black leather couch to avoid looking Blake in the face. I bounced as Darien fell back into the cushions next to me. Blake sat to my left on the matching loveseat.

Blake smirked. “Let me guess…does this somebody look like Superman’s alter ego and have fantasies starring you as his Lois Lane?”

I picked up one of the throw pillows and launched it in his direction. I’d been friends with Blake for several weeks and teasing me about Josh had become one of his favorite pastimes. It was the reason I purposely kept my date plans from him. “Even if that was the case, it isn’t anymore. He’ll probably avoid me from now on after tonight.”

“What’s up with that? Why torture the poor guy with a date if you didn’t like him?”

“I like Josh.” At Blake’s infuriating smile, I insisted, “
I do like Josh.
He’s good-looking, smart, and a genuinely nice guy.” Blake mimed a yawn and Darien burst out with a short laugh. “What’s so funny?” I demanded, swinging my head between the two of them.

Blake shook his head. “You sound like a robot—repeating the things you’ve told yourself you should like about him. Just because he fits into this category of your perfect guy doesn’t mean you’re going to fall for him.”

I fell back further into the couch and sighed. “Maybe you’re right,” I conceded. “We had a nice time tonight, but everything felt forced.”

The reason I couldn’t kiss Josh was undeniably clear at that moment. I was afraid I would feel one of two things: absolutely nothing or abject terror. Honestly, it was the reason I hadn’t kissed anyone in more than two years. My expectations were outrageous. I wanted the boy I kissed again to wipe away all of the repulsion associated with the last time my lips were pressed against another.

“Of course I’m right. I’m an expert on two subjects: sex and football.” Blake shrugged and picked up one of the game controllers.

“We were talking about kissing, not sex. Even if I kissed Josh that was as far as things were going,” I said and picked up one of the other controllers. Maybe kicking Blake’s ass in video games would relieve some of my frustrations.

“A good girl? I like it. I might have to make it my mission to corrupt you,” Darien teased.

“Impossible, I’m incorruptible. Trying to corrupt me is only setting yourself up for failure.”

“I’m up for the challenge. Too many girls give it up way too easily. I wouldn’t mind a little chase.”

“You’d be running in place. I’m the wallflower, the one in the corner of the party sipping her beer and wishing she was home reading a book.” I kept my tone light, but the summary wasn’t far from the truth.

“Just because you’re in college doesn’t mean you have to change who you are.” Blake’s gruff voice interrupted Darien’s response. Glancing at Blake, I noticed he had turned brooding while I’d been verbally sparring with Darien. I hadn’t been offended by Darien; I could tell the flirting was harmless. But something about Blake’s words stung.

“What do you know about me in high school? I’ve told you a few things, but that doesn’t mean you know anything about who I was. I may have been different in high school, but I hope you’re not suggesting…” I couldn’t get the rest of the sentence out because the word felt so wrong. I was going to say
I hope you’re not suggesting I was a slut
. But it didn’t matter if I was a slut or not. I hated how men and women felt the need to label a person’s sexuality. I was a virgin, but if I wasn’t, it shouldn’t matter. I despised the idea that if I slept around, it gave men and women the opportunity to judge me and permit the transgressions of others.

“I just don’t get you. People go to college to rebel, go crazy a little bit. You’re going in the opposite direction.”

Darien stood up abruptly. “I’ll be back in a few. I have to call Matt back and I’m going to make something to eat.” Darien bolted out of the room and I didn’t blame him. Blake’s moodiness had made me uncomfortable as well. I was embarrassed by his behavior, especially since we had a witness to his hot and cold act.

As I looked at him, I tried to get him as well. Against my better judgment, I liked him, but I couldn’t deny there was another side to him. A caustic side I had no tolerance in dealing with when I could’ve stuck to my original plan of junk food and reading. “Do you mind taking me home?” I stood up and grabbed the jacket I had laid across the back of the couch. I was pulling on my coat before he had an opportunity to respond.

“Autumn, why are you getting mad?”

“Because you’re making snap judgments about me and I don’t appreciate it. Why do you care if I changed who I was between high school and college? You’re always bringing up high school and it’s annoying. High school is
over and the Autumn from back then no longer exists.” I exhaled shakily and pushed down the desire to cry. “And the presumption that you know what I was like back then is
wrong
.”

“Then tell me,” he said softly.

Blake’s defenses were down, making me more confused than ever. Was he having the same feelings? Was it the reason he wanted me to open up to him? But why wasn’t he picking up on the obvious—that I didn’t want to return to the past?

“When someone meets you for the first time, what assumptions do they make about you because of football? Maybe that you’re a stupid jock? You could be going for your PhD, but because you’re amazing at football, you get slapped with an unfair label.”

“And what about you?”

“I was
Whorey Dorey in high school and everyone believed the rumors about me because they felt I perpetuated them by wearing short skirts and being a flirt. I didn’t come to college to be Whorey Dorey, I came here to find out who I am outside of the labels.”