Falling for Autumn (10 page)

Blake’s arms slipped around my waist and I stumbled backwards. Crashing into his hard chest, I straightened up. I wiped at my tears and whispered, “I’m sorry. I’m fine, really…” 

“Come here,” he said into my ear. The lights were still off and he gently pulled on my waist to lead me away from the door and closer to the bed.

“Where?”

“To bed.” I stiffened and he added, “I’m not going to try anything, I promise.”

Could I believe Blake’s promises? Although I had categorized him as cut from the same cloth as Hunter, it wasn’t true. Blake wasn’t perfect, but he also wasn’t another monster I had to be scared of. If he told me he wouldn’t try anything, I trusted him to stand by his words.

He climbed into my bed, a shadowy figure illuminated only by the building’s exterior lighting shining through the curtains. He pulled me down with him while he pressed his back against the wall to make room on the small bed. The mattress was an extra-long twin and Blake’s size made it impossible for us not to be pressed against one another. He removed his shoes and the only sound in the room was the plop as they fell against the linoleum floor.

His right hand stayed on my waist and I leaned my head against his chest. His body heat was comforting and his close proximity eased my sorrow. I thought it would be awkward to lie in bed with Blake, but at the moment it felt perfectly normal. I felt selfish to not push him away. I was a mess and my heart couldn’t take much more. Having unreciprocated feelings for Blake was only adding to my already fragile state.

But I needed him more than I would ever admit to anyone. I breathed in his rich masculine scent and tried to draw comfort from it. I wouldn’t have minded remaining silent, next to Blake’s reassuring presence. My anxiety was easing and I could picture falling into a dreamless slumber. But Blake’s voice was anxious as he asked, “What’s wrong? Why were you crying?”

His tone sounded guilty and a hysterical giggle almost passed my lips. I wanted to laugh at his conceit, tell him his ego was truly inflated if he believed he was the cause of my heartache. Not being the object of Blake’s affection paled in comparison to what it felt like to know my tormentor was going to be released from prison.

“I don’t want to talk about it.” My tone was firm and if he pushed it, he’d have to go. “What did you come to tell me?”

“It’s not important now.” The shame was still heavy in his voice and I didn’t know what he felt so bad about telling me. Maybe he was dating someone? He hadn’t mentioned anyone since Kaylee, but I avoided talking about his love life. I had been dropping hints about how I liked him more than a friend, so maybe he was feeling guilty and had come to let me down gently. “Autumn, you can tell me anything. I swear I’m not going to judge you…”

“Judge me? What are you talking about?”

“I mean that whatever you say to me won’t change anything between us. We’re friends and I want to know everything about you. Whatever has you upset, you can talk to me about…”

I didn’t let him finish. “I can’t, Blake. I just want to turn my brain off for a few hours and not even think about it.”

Blake took a long minute to reply. His face softened and his eyes searched mine.  “Okay. Just try to relax and I’ll be here when you wake up. I honestly only want to be your friend.”

He pulled me closer to him and I burrowed into the softness of his sweater. He sounded so sincere and I wanted to reassure him I did understand what he was saying. But the problem was I didn’t want only to be his friend.

Lazily, I stretched my arms out and hit my elbow into the wall. I winced as I forced one eye open at a time. It wasn’t a wall I knocked into, but Blake’s abs as he slumbered next to me. His arm was draped across my body and I shifted, trying to move without waking him. The only thing I accomplished by my squirming was being greeted by a part of Blake I had yet to meet.

“Oh god,” I squeaked as Blake mumbled in his sleep and pulled me in closer. At some point during the night, he had removed his pants and the only thing standing between me and his seven-inch (eight-inch?) erect penis was a thin layer of cotton.

Although I was a virgin, I had gone far enough with Hunter to know the basics of the male anatomy. And I was bursting with curiosity over what Blake looked like down below. I stealthily lifted up the blanket and tried to see beneath the covers to make out the shape of him straining against the seam in his boxers. If I were bold, I’d reach underneath the blanket and give him an extra good morning. I tilted my head lower and squinted to see if I could have a better look.

“What are you doing?”

“Oh crap! You startled me!” I slammed the blanket back down and climbed into a sitting position with my back pressed against the headboard. I was certain my face was the color of an eggplant as I avoided looking at Blake. I could feel his eyes watching me.

I finally looked over at him as he sat up in bed and ran his fingers through his hair. He had a cowlick in the back and it was adorable how his hair stuck up at odd angles despite his best efforts. I watched him swallow roughly before appraising me with apprehension clear in his eyes. “I have the worst hangover in the world and honestly things are a little blurry for me about last night. Did we…”

“No, of course not,” I broke in. It hadn’t been awkward last night, but now it felt mortifying to be alone in bed together. What if something had happened? By the stricken look on his face when he asked, I guessed it would’ve been something he regretted.

And what the hell was wrong with my brain? How did the boy next to me have the capacity to make me forget my hellish night and wake up full of desire and need?

“My pants…”

I looked around the room and saw his jeans lying at the base of the bed next to his shoes. “Over there,” I pointed. “I guess you took them off while I was asleep.”

“I’m sorry, I don’t remember.” He must’ve picked up on my discomfort because he attempted to lighten his tone. “At least I didn’t strip down completely in the middle of the night. That has happened before.”

I turned away as he dressed and tried to think of something witty to say, but I was at a loss. After the news I received the night before, the last thing I should’ve been distracted by was the half-naked man who had slept in my bed. But Blake had found a way to pull me out of my cold and despondent state and make me feel warm again.

After he dressed, he sank back down on the bed. His thigh brushed against my own and I felt heat everywhere. My mind kept drifting back to how minutes ago I’d been lusting over Blake’s body—picturing the ways I’d touch him. When I was with him, I felt like I would be able to live again. Maybe it was time to silence the inner voice telling me not to risk my heart with Blake and see what it would be like to kiss him.

I felt Blake’s burning stare and I leveled my gaze on him. His eyes were gorgeous and I always felt caught off guard when I took him in fully. His lashes were thick with the tiniest traces of gold in them and the shade matched his sun-kissed skin. My eyes followed a line down from his eyes, past the day-old stubble on his cheeks to his lips. His mouth was full and sexy and his lips looked soft and inviting. I leaned in and waited for him to make the move. As the seconds ticked by, I realized my mistake. There wasn’t burni
ng attraction in his expression but a deep wariness.

Swinging my head away, I tried to temper the blush igniting my cheeks. How could I read things so completely wrong? I knew Blake had said we were only friends over and over again, but it hadn’t explained the reason he pursued spending so much time with me. We ate together after class and he invited me to go places with him outside of school. Maybe wishing for our arrangement to be more than it was had been my fault. History was always repeating and I was fated to misread signals again and again.

“Autumn, I think I messed up. I shouldn’t have come over here last night. I was drinking and I saw you called as I was leaving. It won’t happen again.”

He hung his head down low and my heart hurt over the dejected look on his face. My fingertips reached over and brushed the rough skin of his cheek. “Do you not like me? Is it an attraction thing?”

He shook his head and seemed annoyed by my question. “Don’t do that. Don’t look for ways to get me to say how beautiful you are.”

“I’m not,” I snapped, my temper flaring up. “It’s just I know you
see a lot of girls and I’m wondering why you’re so against the idea of kissing me. Figured I would check to see why I don’t meet your
standards
.”

Blake jumped off the bed and glared down at me. “Autumn, you’re acting like the same people you claim to hate. You’re making assumptions about me based on what people at school say. I’m not the type of guy to run around hooking up with girls and bragging about it.”

He shamed me and I bit down on my lip hard. He was right. Who was I to judge him or the girls he dated? I was embarrassed by his rejection and lashed out because of it. Besides a few vague references to Laura and Kaylee, Blake didn’t tell me much about his love life. “You’re right, I thought I was above the rumor mill. Obviously I’m not.”

“I’m not trying to be an ass here. I may have given you shit about Josh, but if you’re looking to get involved with someone, he’s the right kind of guy for you. We’re not good for each other.”

“Why? Is it because I look like your ex?”

I felt the air whoosh out of the room and he stumbled back in surprise over my question. “What? Where would you get that idea?”

“You were staring me down at that party and said later I reminded you of someone. It didn’t sound like a favorable comparison so I assumed it was an ex-girlfriend.”

  “You’re nothing like her,” he said and I saw him glancing at the wall behind me. I turned and we both sat in silence staring at the poster he had bou
ght from the museum. “I’m a goddamn mess and if you got involved with me, it would be a fucking disaster. I can’t give you half of what you deserve.”

“So, it’s you then?”

“If you knew everything about me, you’d be running as far away from me as humanly possible.”

“Tell me and let me decide for myself.”

My past was checkered with mistakes and maybe he would feel differently about me when he found out. If he opened up, maybe I could reciprocate and let him in. Personal histories could be messy, but maybe sharing our secrets could bring us closer. I didn’t want him to walk out, because he gave me hope—hope I could be normal one day. It felt good to be curled into his side and to feel safe once again.

Judging by the look on Blake’s face, he likened opening up to me to undergoing open-heart surgery without anesthesia. I was disappointed in him and angry for putting myself in this situation. I was latching onto the first man who had made me feel like I wasn’t a freak incapable of affection. Where could a relationship with Blake possibly lead? We didn’t even have a solid foundation of friendship to build on.

“You should leave,” I announced at his silent refusal to tell me anything about himself. How did things take a drastic turn in the past fifteen minutes? I had imagined a morning full of passionate kisses and desperate embraces and instead somehow ended up throwing Blake out after his unexpected rejection.

“I’m a coward,” he said, “and as much as you deserve to know the truth about me, I can’t tell you. I like you and I can’t stand the idea of you thinking I’m a piece of garbage.”

My headache from the night before had returned in full force. For once, I was going to listen to him and believe our relationship would end up being destructive. “Just leave then. If you think I need to stay away from you, then go and don’t come back here again. Don’t call me either.”

“This sucks. I’ve never…”

“Please, Blake. Don’t make me sit here and listen to you fumble through another apology while telling me I’d be better off without you because you’re such an asshole. Fine, you win. You can leave here knowing what a complete douche I think you are. You sent me mixed signals and I refuse to believe everything I’d been feeling was all in my head.” Blake tapped his foot as I spoke. When he didn’t move or respond, I added, “You need to go now.”

Finally, he turned on his heel and stalked to the door. I refused to cry as I watched him rush out of the room. I flinched as the door closed behind him and I fought the urge to call him back and smooth things over. But I decided to say to hell with that idea. I didn’t get his endgame and why the sudden change of heart. He had been the one to seek me out and invite me to spend more and more time with him. If he had been so worried about me hating him, why did he allow us to get so close? His behavior was inexplicable and I felt like I was missing a huge piece of the Blake puzzle.
But I was done
. I’d see Blake in class, but otherwise I would pretend like he didn’t exist.

***

“Blake keeps looking over here. Should I give him the finger?” Casey joked and crunched into her apple.

“No, we’re pretending he doesn’t exist.”

Casey studied me as she took another bite. “Did he try to talk to you in class?”

I shook my head. I now dreaded art history and it pissed me off because it was one of my favorite subjects. My stomach roiled every time I walked across campus to the arts building. I had found an empty seat across the room from Blake and taken up residence there since our falling out. By the third class in my new seat, Laura had laid claim on my old spot next to Blake.

Other than a text apology from Blake the day of our fight, we hadn’t spoken. I replied back to leave me alone and lose my number. He had waved in class, but otherwise he didn’t attempt to break down the invisible barriers I surrounded myself with since he told me he would ruin me. Maybe I did need to protect myself against Blake and after my experience with self-important men, I’d be a fool to not take his warnings seriously.

But there was no denying Blake was different. For all of the noise he made about being bad for me, I never saw anything to give me pause and cause me to feel afraid of him. He definitely had issues with drinking and apparently some horrible past he kept alluding to, but he’d treated me with respect and I usually had a lot of fun with him.

“Are you sure you’re telling me everything? I did see him go into your room in the middle of the night. I would totally take advantage of the fact you have a single with Lexi practically living with Finn. She lucked out getting a boyfriend without a roommate.” Casey’s face lit up. “Now that I broke up with Jason, maybe I could borrow your room some nights?”

“No way, I don’t want you to bring some dudes back to my room and soil my blankets.”

“I could use Lexi’s bed.” Her eyebrows waggled up and down. “I swear Molly never leaves our room. She has a more dull social life than you.”

“Thanks, Casey,” I mumbled and bit into my sandwich. It was a struggle to not avert my gaze to Blake’s. I didn’t know what I was trying to prove by eating in the cafeteria when I knew he came here after our class. It was the same reason I resumed classes my senior year after the Mr. Bridges incident. I hadn’t gone to classes for the remainder of my junior year, but held onto the conviction I’d return fearless. Like back then, I wanted it to be known that no one could break me.

Casey’s schedule worked out where she could meet me to eat before she went to her afternoon classes. “We’re single and smoking hot freshman. We should be going out every night and earning new notches on our bedposts.”

“I think that’s a guy thing.”

She waved me off. “I’m a modern woman. I’ve been with the same guy since I was fourteen. I tried to make it work, but if we’re meant to be together, it will happen. For now, I want to try someone new on for size.” She smirked and added, “If you and Blake aren’t a thing…”

“You just want me to get into a girl fight with you over him.”

“Can we do it now? I’ll accidentally rip your shirt off and get him all hot and bothered. He’ll be crying into his Cheerios over how he was a bastard to you.”

“Thanks, but I’m done with Blake’s bullshit.”

“Are you sure? I wouldn’t normally put up with a guy who jerks me around, but for that ass I might reconsider my policy.”

“His moods are all over the place. He could be the funniest and sweetest guy one minute and then suddenly become super intense and withdrawn.”

Casey heaved a sigh. “All the hot ones in college are crazy. I haven’t met one normal good-looking guy since we got here. They are either super-possessive creeps or narcissistic losers with zero personality.”

“I’m not sure if Blake falls into those categories, but maybe things happen for a reason. I didn’t think I wanted to date, but maybe if the right guy comes along, I’d be open to it.”

Blake couldn’t be the only one able to defrost my lustful cravings. Josh and I didn’t have any sexual chemistry, but Blake at least showed me the interest was still there. At least Mr. Bridges hadn’t obliterated everything in his wake.