Falling for Autumn (4 page)

I l
iked Josh and he was attractive; Blake’s Clark Kent nickname wasn’t far off. The longer strands of his dark hair fell into his eyes from time to time. His dark glasses concealed his eyes, but when he removed them, I could see the crystal blue color. If I hadn’t slammed the mental walls down on the possibility of dating, I’d probably be thrilled to have a guy like him interested in me.

Hastily, he finalized
plans, arranging for us to have dinner Friday night. He was going to ask Finn to borrow his car to take me off campus. Despite my qualms over the non-date, a meal not coming from takeout containers or the cafeteria did sound appealing. He rushed off with promises to call me with the details, his hurried exit indicating his fear I’d change my mind.

There were dozens of reasons I didn’t date, but one of the
big ones was my last relationship was a disaster. What I believed was the start of an epic love story ended with me humiliated and picking up the pieces of my shattered heart. Out of everyone in my life, Hunter’s disloyalty cut the deepest. But it would’ve been a lie to say he blindsided me with his personality switch. Months before we broke up I started to see hints of what lay beneath his charming smiles.

“How can you tease me by wearing that fucking skirt, Autumn? Ever hear of blue balls?” Hunter mumbled into my neck as his fingers crept up my thighs.

We were in his basement and I had found my way onto his lap twenty minutes ago when his mother left for coffee with a friend. Hunter confessed she was really going to get drunk with a high likelihood of stumbling back into the house after midnight. Her drinking was getting progressively worse and I saw the effect it was having on Hunter. Since his dad left them both two months earlier, Hunter had changed. An anger at the injustices of his life caused him to fall into dark moods during which I often ended up the target of his vileness.

Because of how much I cared for Hunter, I managed to take
his personality switch in stride. He was feeling abandoned and I wouldn’t walk away when he was going through something so devastating. But I wasn’t a doormat and warned him about the way he treated me. I would leave him if things didn’t change soon. It had seemed to work for a while, but a new Hunter emerged. One who clung to me desperately when we were alone, demanding I give him everything—including my virginity.

Hunter hauled me closer, his large hands
covering my ass completely. He was center for our high school’s basketball team and we had known each other since grade school. Before we became a couple, we were friendly. But besides saying hello in the hallways, we never had a conversation lasting more than five seconds. After one of his basketball games during our sophomore year, I’d been shocked when I found him outside of the girls’ locker room waiting for me. He had showered after the game and his blond hair had darkened from the moisture. His blue eyes were earnest as he called out my name. I pulled my cheerleading gear bag close to my body as I awkwardly followed him into a quiet corner of the hallway. I had just been yelling cheers for him: Ya gotta dribble, pass, shoot to score, Ya gotta pivot, two-three-four! But being alone with him left me speechless. When he asked me out I blurted out yes before stammering out excuses about my parents waiting for me.

A year later, there was nary a trace of that sweet and earnest boy in sight. I wanted that boy back, the one who picked flowers for me before our first date and who left notes in my locker. Not the sexually aggressive man he was growing to be, the one who was possessive and domineering.

Hunter’s fingers looped around the string of my underwear and he yanked down. I put my hands over his, struggling with him to put my panties back in place. Instead he swatted my hands away and reached under the material to stick three fingers inside of me. I reared back, landing awkwardly on the couch next to him. Heat flooded my face and I glared at him. His smug smile made me violent.

“I knew you wanted me. I don’t know why you’re trying to play in
nocent when your pussy is begging for it,” he said, holding up his glistening fingers for emphasis.

“I don’t care what my body says, my mouth says no,” I hissed and added, “
asshole.”

My blood ran cold at his harsh laughter.
I fled from the house with his mockery stinging my ears. I should’ve branded the memory into my brain and held onto it. Instead, I forgave him when he called later that night. He stumbled over his apology and promised to wait forever if that’s what I needed. His contrition caused me to wonder why I clung to my virginity like it was a life raft. I loved Hunter. Maybe I could help get back the light he had lost since his dad left.

The irony was the week my world fel
l apart was the same week I planned to have sex with Hunter. Our junior prom was scheduled for the weekend and instead of seeing the loss of my virginity on prom night as a cliché, I convinced myself of its romanticism. In the days after, when I was so crushed by sadness I couldn’t get out of bed, I imagined divine intervention in play. Rationalizing that perhaps the timing of my world’s implosion was meant to keep me from giving up my virginity to Hunter. By then, I vowed that not only would Hunter never touch me again, neither would any other man.

***

Josh was the perfect dinner date; he did and said all the right things. He opened doors for me, pulled out my chair at the restaurant, and insisted I order first. I dug deep inside, willing myself to feel something for the charming boy before me. Josh’s entire demeanor radiated with goodness. I should’ve been attracted to that quality. I needed safe. Because falling for Blake Preston was a million miles away from safe. Not only did my crush guarantee a broken heart because of Blake’s disinterest, but, at least on the surface, Blake seemed to possess the quality I hated most in men: the sense of arrogant entitlement.

The Italian restaurant Josh chose was nice and expensive. I was flattered—college students didn’t normally have the luxury of dropping a hundred dollars on a meal. I tried to be a good date, smile when appropriate, laugh at his self-deprecating jokes, but I wasn’t sure if he could see my carefully crafted mask disintegrating.

“How’s the chicken?” Josh asked, using his fork to point to my barely touched chicken cacciatore. My nerves were too frayed to eat as much as I would’ve liked.

“Good. Chicken probably seems boring with all of the menu choices.”

“I could never think of you as boring,” he said sincerely before turning back to his tortellini with Italian sausage.

I hoped he didn’t see my blush. I didn’t know how to accept a compliment anymore. In high school, praise became like a drug to me. I blossomed under false compliments and feigned adoration. Hunter used to joke he dragged me out of oblivion, but in some ways it was true. Before, I was well liked with a lot of friends, but being Hunter’s girlfriend put me at the top of the high school food chain. I was embarrass
ed by the person I used to be. I was superficial and a taker, never a giver. Blake seemed desperate to know the girl I was in high school, but what he didn’t understand was I wanted that girl to have never existed.

At the end of the meal, Josh asked for dessert, but I declined. I had looked longingly at a piece of decadent chocolate cake earlier in the meal, but couldn’t quiet my anxiety enough to stomach any more food. When I returned from a trip to the restroom, I found the check paid and a piece of cake wrapped up for me to go. I was touched by the gesture and he wouldn’t hear of my attempts to pay for half of the meal. When he took my hand and led me out of the restaurant, Josh officially turned the non-date into a date.

It was early, a little after eight, and Josh wanted to take advantage of having a car to use. Freshmen were confined to the campus unless they had an upperclassman as a friend. A part of me wanted to go back to the dorm and process my feelings alone. Maybe I would find a spark between us if I tried harder. Josh looked so good on paper: cute, sweet, and smart, and I reasoned it wouldn’t be long before the fireworks arrived.

After some gentle convincing, I found myself agreeing to coffee.

Once we arrived at the coffee house, Josh helped remove my coat. His fingers brushed over my shoulders and down my arms as he moved behind me. I had dressed up for the occasion after Lexi reamed me out for considering wearing black pants and a bulky black sweater. Although she frowned at my large selection of black clothing, she did suggest the black dress I eventually settled on. It had a full crochet overlay with sheer arms and a rounded neckline. The hem was above the knee, but not very short. Josh was average height so I selected low heels to avoid towering over him. His eyes bulged when he picked me up, prompting Lexi to shoot me a small knowing smile.

Josh relented when I insisted on paying for coffee. Every second I continued to play the charade with him the likelihood of him getting hurt increased. I liked Josh as a friend and I shouldn’t have agreed to go out with him. He was blurring the lines and I was submitting, going along for the ride when I should’ve never said yes to dinner in the first place.

“So, how’s biology coming? I’m going to take it sometime next year, so you’ll have to share your notes,” I said as I blew away steam from my latte.

Josh smiled. “It’s not bad, only an extension on everything we studied last semester,” he said. “But I do miss you as my lab partner. We had lab for the first time on Thursday and I partnered with
Kaylee.”

“I didn’t know you were friends,” I said while staring at the wall behind him.

“We’re not. But she said I looked smart, so I’d help her get a good grade.” He rolled his eyes. “She didn’t do much during the lab period, only text Blake.”

Ah
, I thought,
now I understand what’s going on
. He saw Blake as a rival and figured he’d dig up dirt through Kaylee. Josh put too much power into my relationship with Blake. Blake was a casual acquaintance who I saw twice a week for class and breakfast. Blake told me from the beginning he wasn’t interested in me. I was still trying to figure out why he wanted to be friends, but after spending time with Blake I believed wholeheartedly he didn’t feel anything romantic for me. He flirted with me, but his words didn’t hold any weight. I could almost sense a wall between us he had constructed. It hadn’t gotten past me that although Blake spent a lot of time dredging up my past, he told me very little about himself.

I waved my hand. “That’s nice. Although I don’t think symbiosis actually works between lab partners.” I tried to derail the conversation by taking a long sip of my coffee. It was burning hot, scalding my throat as I forced it down.

Josh’s penetrating stare as I set the coffee down made me uneasy. Finally, he cleared his throat and changed the subject. Our conversation over coffee was much less awkward. I think without the romantic trappings, I felt like more myself. I pretended our outing was merely two friends having coffee together. When Josh wasn’t hung up on Blake, he was actually easy to get along with. With two older sisters who adored him, Josh had plenty of anecdotes about the ways they embarrassed their baby brother growing up.

I always envied people with siblings. Being an only child gave me an inflated sense of responsibility. I was my parents’ legacy and if I failed at life, they wouldn’t have another chance. Siblings are also built-in friends and something I desperately needed two years earlier.

It was relatively early when we finished coffee, but Josh didn’t put up a fight when I suggested we return to the dorm. I wanted to end things on a good note and decide where I wanted to take the relationship with him. My feelings were still platonic, but I questioned whether I should give it another try and see if something more developed. I didn’t want a relationship, but as disastrous as things turned out with Hunter, there were some aspects I still missed. I missed the face-splitting grin I had when he called. Also, I longed to have someone look at me like he did, as if I was the only person in the world who mattered. When things were good, Hunter made me feel like the sun and he’d bend down to worship before me.

After parking Finn’s Ford Focus in the student lot, Josh walked me to my room. When he lingered at the door, I didn’t know how to end the night. Should I shake his hand? Pull him in for a hug? Before I could overanalyze, I saw him press his lips together and angle his body toward mine. As he leaned in for a kiss, I stepped back and blushed.

I was a fraud—pretending to be able to date. I hadn’t kissed anyone in close to two years and my feelings hadn’t changed.
Just fucking kiss him
, I chided myself. But it would be cosmically wrong to go along with it. I was in constant battle against my submissive side and I wasn’t about to embrace it to spare hurt feelings.

“I’m sorry, but I told you I wasn’t ready to date,” I said, staring at his dress shoes. Josh had made an effort with his appearance for dinner as well. His khaki pants were pressed and he’d replaced his typical worn T-shirt with a button-down oxford.

Josh sighed. “I’m sorry. I understand this wasn’t supposed to be a date. But I really like you. I know you have stuff going on in your life…”

I cut him off. “What are you talking about? What stuff?”

His voice became soothing. “I’ve heard about your panic attacks. My older sister suffers from them and she’s always told me how horrible they feel—like you’re trying to breathe underwater.”

I was on the verge of tears, embarrassed my weakness had become gossip fodder for the only friends I made at college. “I have to go,” I said softly and didn’t wait for his reply. He opened his mouth to protest, but I unlocked my door and slipped inside my room. I pressed my ear against the door and after he gave a he
avy sigh, I heard him retreat.

Ugly emotions were swirling around me and I hated how vulnerable Josh had left me. The panic attacks were my private pain, but unfortunately many of the symptoms couldn’t be concealed. At night they would come, sneaking their way into my sleep, wrecking my dreams and forcing me awake. I screamed and thrashed at times when I was stuck between sleep and consciousness.
Lexi was an understanding roommate, but she must’ve told Finn and Josh about the inconvenience of having a head case for a roommate.

I couldn’t stay and wait for
Lexi. If she was with Finn, Josh might stop by and tell them both what had happened. Leaving my coat on, I hurried out of my dorm room. I took the stairs two at a time as I made my way to the first floor and outside of the dorm.

Freezing wind whipped against my skin and I pulled my wool coat closer to my body. The campus was quiet as I walked toward the student center. It was barely ten o’clock and most students had better plans than heading to the convenience store on campus and gorging on junk food. I had brought along a paperback with the plan to find a little corner inside of the student center to get cozy until I built up the nerve to face
Lexi.