Falling for You (20 page)

I stepped a few feet to the side of the line and pressed talk. “Mom? What’s up? It’s not really a good time.”

“Rae? Oh, thank God. I need you to come home.”

I looked over at Leo. He smiled. I smiled back before I turned my back to him.

“Mom, I can’t!” I hissed. “I’m on a date.”

“It doesn’t matter—you need to come home now!” Her voice shook. “We need to find Dean.”

“Mom, just calm down. Did something happen?”

“Yes. Two men came to the house looking for him. I’m afraid they might hurt him. So we need to find him first. We need to warn him.”

At the mention of the two men, I felt my heart speed up. I swallowed hard. “Wait. Who came to the house?”

She started crying. “I don’t know who they were! A couple of big guys. Said they had an urgent message for Dean and needed to talk to him.”

Sweet mother-of-pearl, what has Dean gotten himself into? I had to think fast. My mind raced, trying to figure out how to help her
.

“Mom, I think you should get out of there. Right now. Do you have a friend you can go see? Anybody?”

Through her sobs I heard her say, “No.”

“Does Dean have your car?”

“Yes.”

Stupid question. Of course he did. I wanted to scream, but I tried to stay calm, for my mom’s sake. “Okay, here’s what you’re going to do. Pack a suitcase with some clothes and anything else we might need. I’ll come home and take us to the Motel 6.”

“How are we gonna pay for it, Rae? He took all my money.”

I shut my eyes, trying hard not to burst into tears myself. “We’ll figure it out. I have a little bit. It’ll be okay. We can’t . . . we can’t stay there. I don’t think it’s safe.”

Mom didn’t say anything. Her sobs turned to sniffles. “Okay. I’ll pack. But what about Dean? Shouldn’t we try to find him? What if they hurt him?”

“Remember what he said? He can take care of himself. We need to focus on ourselves right now.”

“Will you come soon?”

“Yes. I’m on my way.”

“Thank you, Rae.”

My body trembled. “See you soon.”

Fear clung to her voice. “Bye.”

I took a deep breath as I tucked my phone away. Was this really happening? First Nathan and now this. Wouldn’t Leo have a great story whenever he was asked about the worst date he ever had.

“What’s going on?” he asked as I rejoined him in line.

“Can you please take me back to my truck? My mom needs me at home.”

He took my hand and started walking toward his car. “Is she all right?”

I didn’t know how much to say. I decided to go with the tried-and-true policy—the less shared, the better. “She’s fine. It’s just, there’s stuff going on with my stepdad and she’s worried about him.” We reached his car, and he unlocked my door and opened it for me. “I’m sorry, Leo.”

He waved me off. “Don’t worry about it. Things happen. Believe me, I understand.”

We drove for a while in silence as I made a checklist in my head of all the things we needed to take with us to the hotel. When Leo stopped at a red light, he asked, “Rae, are you sure you don’t want to tell me what’s going on? Maybe I can help.”

I looked out my window, watching as a guy and a girl made their way down the sidewalk, talking and laughing like they didn’t have a care in the world. How come that couldn’t be me? Would it
ever
be me? “Thanks,” I said, almost in a whisper. “But there’s nothing you can do.”

“Rae, I care about you. And I want you to know—”

“Please, can we not talk?” I rubbed my temple. I felt so tired. “I’m not feeling so great. I’d just like to get to my truck, okay?”

Maybe he wanted to have a big gut-wrenching conversation, but I didn’t. I couldn’t. Not now.

Leo started to protest but stopped himself. Then, in the
darkness, I felt his hand on top of my leg. It stayed there the rest of the way, as if trying to reassure me everything would be okay.

When he got to the now empty parking lot, Leo pulled into the space next to my truck. He put the car in park, and I thought we’d say a quick good-bye, then go our separate ways. But he had a different idea.

Leo reached over and put his hand on my cheek. “Rae,” he whispered. “I’m worried about you.”

The tenderness in his voice, the softness of his touch, and the concern on his face were almost too much. I felt tears rising up, like a giant wave. I shook my head and closed my eyes, trying to hold back the tears.

And then I felt his lips on mine. More tenderness. More softness. Like a pink cloud lined in silver as the sun sets. He tasted like spearmint, and as his tongue gently met mine, my whole body tingled. There was something about the gentle way Leo held my face in his hand that made me feel so safe and warm. Loved.

I wanted to feel more.

I needed to feel more.

I reached for him, pulling him closer. His hand moved through my hair, down my back, and pressed me closer to him. All the while, our mouths never stopped exploring each other’s. Desire filled me, like nothing I’d ever felt before. Maybe I’d kissed before. But I’d never kissed
like this
before. Never.

Minutes passed. Maybe hours. I don’t know. Time and everything else disappeared. What I couldn’t express in words,
I expressed in my touch and in my kisses. Here, I could be honest, in a way I couldn’t be with my words.

You matter to me, Leo. I want to know you, and for you to know me. I want to tell you everything. You’d understand, wouldn’t you? You’re not the type to judge. You’re too good for that
.

You’re too good
.

You’re too good
.

You’re too good. For me
.

I pulled away, trying to catch my breath.

What was I
doing
? Had I lost my freaking mind?

“I have to go,” I said as I grabbed my purse and opened the door.

“Wait, Rae, hold on.” He tried to pull me back, but I pulled harder and got out.

“Rae!” he called into the night air. “Are you okay? I want to see you again. Can we, I mean, would you go out with me again soon?”

He was so sweet, so adorable. And we were good together. I knew that. But none of it mattered. None of it changed the fact that my life was a train wreck, and he needed more drama in his life as much as he needed to work another forty hours a week. Instead of asking to see me again, he should have been yelling “Titanic” so I’d stay far, far away from him.

I did what I needed to do. For him. I shook my head no as tears spilled from my eyes.

And then I got in my truck and drove away.

from bad to worse

MOM AND I STAYED AT THE MOTEL FOR A WEEK. MOM WAS AFRAID to go to work, afraid Dean might find her there and be pissed off that she left. I assured her he wouldn’t do anything in public. And if he did harass her, she should call the police. I knew she didn’t want to go back to her job. She would have rather stayed in the motel, curled up on the bed, watching television. But I told her she had no choice. It was either go to work or live on the street. We had to save our money and find a new place to live.

So every afternoon Mom got on the bus and went to work. One of the ladies she worked the swing shift with, Carol, gave her a ride to the motel after the store closed at nine and they’d finished their closing procedures. Mom had a new routine, and although I knew we had a long way to go, it felt like we were on the right track to a new and improved life without Dean.

At school, final exams for the first semester gave me a good
reason to keep my distance from everyone. I just didn’t have it in me to play the part of happy Rae. I spent all my spare time in the library, studying. And no one questioned it. Finals week is the one week where people understand if you walk around like an academic robot, even if it’s not really like you.

If only I’d been able to study the way I pretended to be studying. It was so hard to focus. All I could think about was Mom. Dean. Money. A new place to live. And Leo.

Thankfully, Nathan kept his distance. In fact, I didn’t see him once that entire week. And with everything else that was going on, he was the least of my worries.

Somehow I made it through and passed all my tests. But my biggest accomplishment was keeping Mom from completely falling apart. One minute she’d be praising the heavens we’d gotten away from Dean, while the next she’d be a sobbing mess, telling me how much she missed him.

What little money I had kept us afloat. Barely. But we made it work. We used the motel coffee cups for dishes, filling them with dry cereal in the morning and Top Ramen at night. I finally broke down and went to the office at school to get the paperwork for free lunches. Mom and I filled them out one night while we watched
Dear John
with Channing Tatum.

“You’d be better off if I died,” she said as we watched a sad scene toward the end.

“Mom. Don’t talk like that.”

She looked at me, tears in her eyes. “I don’t deserve you,
Rae. I know that. I just hope someday you can forgive me for everything.”

It was probably the closest she’d ever come to apologizing. It’d have to do. As we watched the last scene, I took her hand in mine and held it. When the credits rolled, I got up to wash my face and get ready for bed.

“You might not believe me,” she said as I stood in the bathroom, “but I do love you.” She paused. “I always have. Even if I never show it.”

And then I had tears in my eyes.

At work I stayed busy and avoided the coffee shop. I should have learned my lesson with Nathan. Me and boys who want to be my boyfriend do not mix. Now I’d ruined a perfectly good friendship. Every time I started to think about Leo, it felt as if a huge rock sat on top of my chest. It hurt. Not only losing him, but also knowing I’d hurt him.

It’d been easier with Nathan. We never really clicked. Not in the ways that matter. But with Leo, everything seemed right. A part of me wanted to confide in him—not just tell him bits and pieces, but all of it. Every time I thought about doing that, though, I’d think of his grandma in the hospital. He didn’t need another worry. It’d only bring him down. It was better this way. For him, at least.

•   •   •

Monday night, after we’d been in the motel for over a week, I waited up for Mom. I wrote a new poem and read a little more
of
Eyes Like Mine
. I thought of Leo, telling me he liked happy endings. I was beginning to completely doubt their existence.

Around nine Alix called me.

“Girl, you are like a ghost,” she said. “Where have you been and what’s been going on with you?”

I chewed on my pen, looking over the poem I’d written in my journal.

“Been dealing with some family stuff I don’t really want to talk about.”

“You okay?” she asked with concern in her voice.

“Yeah. I’m okay.”

“Nathan been bothering you?”

“Surprisingly, no. Whatever you guys said to him that night I called and asked you to find him, it must have worked.”

“You know Santiago, he has a way with words. Hey, how was your date with Leo? And what about that, anyway, Rayanna Lynch? I thought you two were just friends.”

“Well, because I’m an idiot, we’re nothing now.”

She groaned. “That is exactly why you shouldn’t date a friend.”

I put my head in my hand. “I know. I know!”

“So let me guess. It didn’t go well and now it’s all, like, awkward between you guys.”

“Pretty much.”

“So do you
like him
, like him? Or are you hoping to go back to just being friends?”

What did I want? “I don’t know. I mean, yeah, I like him. A lot.”

“Then maybe you should try again.”

I felt so torn. Part of me wanted to and the other part wanted to stay far away, because that way I couldn’t mess things up for him.

We said good-bye shortly after that, promising to hang out sometime soon. When it reached midnight and Mom still wasn’t home, I was worried. So I went out looking for her. I drove to Rite Aid, but the store was dark and the parking lot was empty. Next I drove past our house. It was dark. I didn’t know where else to look. Mom wasn’t the type to go to a bar. At least she’d better not be, after I’d drilled it into her head all week that we had to save every single penny if we wanted to avoid a shelter or the street.

I finally decided she must have gone home with some guy who could help her forget all her troubles for a few hours. So with nothing else to do but wait, I went back to the hotel and tried to sleep.

It didn’t go very well.

I skipped school on Tuesday and waited all day for her to come home.

She never did.

I called Nina and told her I’d be late for work. Then I hung out in the Rite Aid parking lot, waiting for Mom to show up for work.

She never did.

poetry journal—january

STONE

Let my heart

turn to

stone.

Maybe then

I can sleep

without

nightmares.

Maybe then

I can eat

without

a stomachache.

Maybe then

I can read

without fear

of an unhappy ending.

Take the knife

out of my heart

and, please,

let it

turn to

stone.

the hospital—8:56 p.m
.

“Rae, can you hear me?”

Yes. I can hear you, Mom
.

“The doctors said everything went well.

“Now it’s up to you.

“Honey, you rest and get strong.

“That’s all you need to do.

“It’d be real nice if—can you open your eyes for me?

“Let me know you’re going to be all right?