Falling for You (6 page)

“Why don’t you call a couple of them and say hey?” I asked him. “They’d probably love to hear from you.”

“No,” he said firmly. “I’m not gonna do that. People move away. Things change. Life goes on. I’m making a new life here. A good one. A better one.” He lowered his voice. “Mostly thanks to you.”

It sounded so strange—like we’d been going out for weeks, not for a day. I didn’t know how to respond, so I changed the subject and we talked about Blue October. I’d listened to a few of their songs earlier, and although I could tell they’d never be my favorite, they were all right. He thanked me a bunch of times for listening, and I knew it made him happy that I’d taken the time to check them out.

Finally, he said he should go, since he needed to help his mom with something. Maybe I shouldn’t have felt relieved, but I kind of did.

We hung up, and I went to the kitchen to get some food. Mom and Dean were talking. I hadn’t seen them yet, since they’d slept in, like they did most Sundays. I stopped at the edge of the hallway and peeked around the corner. They sat on the couch in the family room. Mom had her arms around Dean, whose back was toward me. She was using what I call her quiet-the-baby voice. I hadn’t heard it since the morning we got the news that Grandma had died. When Mom told me
that Grandma had slipped away during the night, her battle with the cancer finally over, I was devastated. I couldn’t imagine what my life would be like without Grandma in it. So Mom held me in her arms, and tried to quiet me down. Just like she did with Dean now.

“Shhh, it’ll be all right now, don’t you worry, honey.”

He sobbed as she rocked him ever so slightly back and forth. “I’m so sorry,” he managed to get out.

“I know, Dean,” she said. “You’ve already said that at least a half a dozen times. You need to pull yourself together and start looking for work. Tomorrow you’ll get yourself to the unemployment office, and you’ll find something real soon. I just know it.”

They sat there, quietly, until he finally sat up, wiping his face with the back of his hands. He looked so small. Pathetic.

I continued on into the kitchen. Mom saw me and called out my name.

I peeked my head out. “Yeah?”

“Dean here, he feels real bad about losing his job. We need to make sure he knows we support him and believe in him. All right?”

“Sure,” I said, heading back to the kitchen, where I could roll my eyes in private.

Their voices became whispers, and I felt like an intruder. I grabbed a couple of slices of cheese from the fridge along with a box of Wheat Thins and snuck back to my room, leaving them alone, the way they liked it best.

•   •   •

On Monday, Nathan was waiting for me by my locker. It took me by surprise. Even more surprising? He kissed me before I even had a chance to say hello.

“I missed you,” he said, his eyes searching mine after I pulled away. What was he looking for? School wasn’t really the place to see if we could make sparks fly again.

I went to work on my locker combination, trying to ignore the funny feeling in my stomach. “But we talked three times yesterday,” I told him.

“You can’t do this on the phone.” He kissed my neck and then whispered in my ear, “Did you miss me?”

It tickled. I raised my shoulder to my ear, gently pushing him away. “Maybe.” The truth was, I had thought about our evening together all day long. One minute I was sure we belonged together, and the next I wanted to send a cowardly text, telling him maybe we’d be better off as friends. Alix’s voice kept playing in my head, though. “
As soon as things start moving in that direction, you pull away.”
I kept telling myself I needed to give it more time. It was too soon to know anything.

Once I had my locker open, Nathan spun me around and kissed me again. This time, slower. Softer. “You must have missed that,” he whispered. “Right?”

He gently tucked a strand of hair behind my ear. Good thing I had the wall at my back, because the way he looked at
me in that moment? I’m not sure my legs would have been able to hold me up.

Okay, so he was right. I
had
missed that.

After I grabbed my books, Nathan took my hand, weaving his fingers in with mine, and walked me down the hall toward the benches. It felt like every pair of eyes in Crestfield High was watching us. Girls smiled at us in that aren’t-they-so-adorable way. And when I saw a couple of them whispering about “that hot, new guy” and
me
, any doubt I’d felt earlier slipped out the front doors. Being with Nathan suddenly felt as right as Grandma’s ring on my finger.

Alix and Felicia could hardly contain their excitement. I watched as they squirmed in their seats, beaming at us.

When Santiago came up and slapped Nathan on the back, Nathan turned to greet him. The girls used that opportunity to pump their fists in the air and give each other a high five.

I leaned into Nathan and put my arm around him. He did the same. I had to admit, it felt really good to have someone to lean on like that. I felt safe. Cared for. And I didn’t usually feel that way.

When the bell rang a few minutes later, he kissed me good-bye. “See you at lunch?”

I nodded slightly. Felicia pushed me toward English class. “Bye,” I said as I waved back at him.

“See you later, beautiful.”

“Are you kidding me?” Felicia squealed. “One date and
you guys are holding hands at school and
kissing
good-bye first thing in the morning? That must have been some first date.”

I tried to play it cool. “Yeah. I guess you could say that.”

She laughed. “It’s okay, Rae. You don’t have to be modest. I’m proud of you. Seriously, you two make a
sweet
couple.” She reached over and squeezed my arm. “I’m really happy for you.”

“Thanks,” I told her.

We took our seats and I felt myself relax. People were happy for us. We were good together. Everything was going to be okay. Nathan was just . . . enthusiastic. And I was inexperienced. We’d figure things out. Together.

Settling into my seat, I noticed a reminder on the board about the looming poetry deadline for the newspaper. I’d forgotten to look for something to submit. When Ms. Bloodsaw started lecturing on literary devices, I flipped through my poetry journal. I landed on one I’d written a few months back, and I loved how well it summarized the contrasts in my life. It reminded me, too, of how life is often a wide range of emotions, and I felt comforted in that knowledge. Of course a new relationship was going to be that way too.

I knew which poem I wanted to submit for the first issue.

The Colors of Me

by Anonymous

Black like the ace of spades

when you yell my name,

cussing in the next breath,

like I’m as dirty as the word.

Red like a painful sunburn,

lingering for days,

the anger never cooling

between you and me.

Gray like bits of gravel

as I walk along the path,

barefoot and alone,

my voice never heard.

Yellow like a baby chick

free from its confining shell,

when I’m busy at work,

surrounded by joy.

Pink like a rosebud

ready to bloom into greatness,

nurtured with tender care

when friends are near.

White like a cloud,

flying free, lined with hope,

drifting and dreaming

of a life without darkness.

the hospital—4:08 p.m
.

I can’t turn off the memories
.

They just keep coming, one after the other after the other. Is this what it means to have your life flash before your eyes?

“Her mother is on her way. Should be here soon.”

When I wrote that poem, the contrast in my life was so clear. Some parts were dark and dreary, while other parts were bright and colorful
.

The dark and the light
.

It used to be they were always separate
.

“Good. We’re almost ready to take her up.”

When did the darkness sneak into the light?

It happened so slowly, I didn’t even notice
.

I was on my cloud, drifting and dreaming
.

Drifting and dreaming
.

Drifting and dreaming
.

Kind of like . . . now
.

five months earlier

not quite the happiest place on earth

NATHAN’S HAND CREPT UNDER MY SWEATER, UP MY STOMACH, and into my bra. His mouth pressed on mine, impatient, as he laid me down on his bed.

I turned my head and pushed his body away from mine, sitting back up. “No, Nathan, stop. Please.”

He caressed my cheek. “Rae, come on. It’d be so good.”

When he leaned in for more kisses, I answered with a quick one and gently pushed him away again. “I’m not ready. How many times have I told you that?”

He looked at me like a sad kitten. “Rae, you are everything to me. You know that, right? I don’t know what I’d do without you. Still, a guy can only make out for so long. It’s not fair. Kissing might be enough for you, but it’s not for me.”

I sighed. I loved his kisses that tasted like bubble gum. Loved being in his arms, where I felt safe and cared for. He wanted me like no one had ever wanted me, and, yeah, it felt good to be wanted. But we hadn’t been going out that long. I didn’t want to be like my mom, always jumping into bed with the first guy who came along. I’d promised myself my first time would be with someone I loved.

And although I loved his kisses, I didn’t think I loved Nathan.

I got up to go home. He grabbed my arm. “Rae, please, don’t be mad.” I shook my arm free and kept walking. “Wait. Where are you going?”

“Disneyland,” I quipped. I glanced back and saw the hurt on his face. My heart softened. I didn’t want to upset him. “The bathroom, okay?”

He moaned. “Who needs Disneyland? We could have all kinds of fun if you’d just let it happen.”

In the bathroom, I patted my hair down and straightened my sweater. Maybe I should have just gone home after we’d met up for ice cream. As I licked my cone, he’d looked at me with such longing. He’d raised his eyebrows and whispered, “No one’s home at my house. Want to come over?”

“Where are they?” I’d asked.

“Mom’s out with a new friend. My dad’s away on tour. At least that’s what he said. He never tells us where he’s at or what his schedule is or anything. Just calls us occasionally to say hi and to let us know that he’s still alive. Like I even care.”

“Nathan.” I’d lightly slapped his arm. “Of course you care. He’s your dad.”

He’d laughed. Actually laughed. “I’m sorry to break it to you, but Gary Sharp is not a nice guy. He doesn’t give a shit about anyone else but himself. It’s hard to care about someone like that.”

I thought of Dean. Of my mom, at times. Of course he was right, and I knew better than anyone what he was talking about. It
was
hard to care about someone like that. Still, whenever his dad came up, I saw sadness in his eyes. I could tell he tried to push it down and bury it. But I saw it, peeking out, like the first signs of spring.

“Does that bother your mom?” I’d asked.

“I think so. I mean, she’d never say it does. But how could it not?”

“So why does she stay with him?”

He’d chuckled, playing with his cone wrapper. “And do what if she left? She’s never worked a day in her life. No, she’ll never leave. She knows she’s nothing without him.”

After that he’d begged me to go home with him. And because I’d felt sorry for him, I said yes. Besides, I’d figured it’d be a nice change of pace to make out somewhere other than the cemetery.

But lately we always seemed to end up fighting, because he wanted more than I did. The attraction between us was strong, no doubt about it. I loved the way everything faded around us when we were together, until there was nothing but
me and him and the moment. Why couldn’t the closeness we shared be enough for him?

Sometimes I wondered if Nathan and I were really a good match. We often struggled to find things to talk about. So he’d fill the awkward moments with kissing. That was what we did best.

When I’d talked to Alix about my concerns, she’d said I was crazy. Everyone adored Nathan. It seemed like I should too.

I took a deep breath and went back to Nathan’s room. He stood at the window, looking outside.

“I’m ready to go,” I said as I looked around, searching for my purse. “Your mom will probably be home soon anyway.”

“Nah. When she goes out, she stays out late.” He came over and pulled me to him. “I’m telling ya, it’s the perfect opportunity, right here.” He kissed my neck in the spot below my ear that makes me quiver. It felt like a last-ditch effort to get me to change my mind and fall into bed with him.

I untangled myself from his arms. “Stop it. I can’t believe how persistent you are. Maybe this isn’t working, Nathan. Maybe I’m not the right girl for you, if that’s all you want.”

His mouth dropped open. “What? What do you mean?”

I crossed my arms and looked at the floor, to avoid his eyes. “I’m tired of saying no all the time. What I mean is, I’m tired of you asking all the time. I’m not ready.” My eyes met his, and I saw something that looked like fear. “I’m tired of every date ending like this. That stuff you told me about your dad? That’s the first
real
thing you’ve told me. I feel like I don’t
know you, Nathan. Like we talk, but not really. It’s all just . . . noise. A means to an end for you.”