FALLING: The Negative Ion Series (8 page)

I got to my front door and was fumbling with my keys when
Jaxen ran up to me and turned me to him.

“No! Leave me alone and go away! I never want to lay eyes on you again,
Jaxen! God, I cannot believe how stupid I am!”

Jaxen
gave me a frightened look then pushed me against my door.

“Why? What happened? What did I do?”

“You know what the fuck you did!” I shout. “I’m so glad--” I hurriedly lowered my voice, remembering I was outside. “I am so glad I never gave myself to you, you big fucking liar!” I gritted. “I mean it! Go away and never, ever even look at me again while you’re breathing!”

I turned then
finally found the right key. I quickly went in and slammed the door. I startled when I saw my mother standing outside the guest bath under the stairs, staring at a white stick like it was about to turn into a snake at any minute. I hurriedly wiped my face but too late; Mom looked up at me and frowned harder.

“Honey, I thought you were gone. What happened?”

I walked to the window and saw Jaxen pacing at his bike, gesturing wildly as he spoke fast and heatedly into his phone. He gave a defeated look then hurled the phone in the street, which got run over right away, smashing it into pieces. Good, I thought. At least he won’t be calling and bugging me with his fucking lies all night.

Finally, he climbed on his bike and left. I knew that asshole was lying. Love me? Right. Total and utter bullshit.
Jaxen William Malloy loves no one. Nothing. Even he said so himself several times over the years I’ve known him.

I turned back to my mother and started crying again as I dropped in front of the window. She flew over to me and held me, rubbing my head and murmuring to me to calm. I couldn’t. I had just gotten my heart broken.

“Jaxen broke your heart?” Mom asked softly. “Did you fall in love with him, honey?”

“Yes!” I cried
, really pissed I said it aloud. “I’m so damn stupid! What is wrong with me? Why did it have to be him?”

“The heart wants what the heart wants, honey. Yours want
s Jaxen. What did he do to break your heart?”

I sniffed and reached in Mom’s pocket, knowing she keeps fresh tissue
in there as she rubbed my back.

“It’s not important, Mom. I’ll get over him, especially when I leave. I’ll find someone in New York who won’t lie to me!”

Mom’s arms tighten around me and I cried into her neck. Who am I kidding?

“Who are you kidding, honey?”

I startle again. Damn it. She’s reading my thoughts again.

“What?” I whisper.

“You’re in love with Jaxen. What makes you think you will ever find someone that will fill in for him? You need to see this through. Ask him why he lied, if he did.”

“He did, Mom. Right to my face. I wanted to believe what he said but… no, it’s a
complete and total lie, one you should never tell another human being you’re trying to be in a relationship with.”

Mom pulled back and looked at me. “He cheated on you and lied about it, honey?”

I shook my head and wiped my nose. “No. Worse.”

“
Worse? What could be worse…
DID
HE HIT YOU
?!” Mom shouted then calmed immediately. “No, you said lied. Dammit, what did he lie about?”

“It’s nothing,” I
murmured, then grabbed the stick Mom was holding when I came in. I looked at it and my eyes widened. “Mom! You’re pregnant?”

Now Mom’s eyes watered. “
So it says, honey. I thought you were going to be my only baby. Now here I am damn near 40 years old and knocked up again. How the hell did this happen?”

“Mom, you know how,” I giggle.

She giggles too then sighs. “Of course I do but I don’t know how, you know? We used condoms. Maybe they were defective.” Mom stopped rubbing my back and froze. “Wait. Shit!”

“What, Mom?”

“How am I ever going to tell my child that he or she was conceived in the restroom at The Hampton Inn Restaurant?!”

I frown. The Hampton
Inn Restaurant? Wait… oh, no. No fucking way! I shudder and think back to the day my parents and I had lunch when Daddy was leaving to go back to New York. They had been getting along, I just had no idea
this
well. I remember Mom excused herself to take a call; some kind of emergency in a neighboring town that needed some assistance from her squad. A few minutes after she left the table, an old high school friend of mine came to our table and Daddy excused himself to check his flight. I paid no attention how long they were gone because Misty, my high school friend, chatted on and on about her life and seemed to be quite interested in mine.

“
MOM
! Are you saying this… this… this isn’t Marvin’s baby?”

“No,” she whined. “It’s Sam’s!”

“You and Daddy had sex in the restroom while I sat in the restaurant waiting for the two of you to return?”

“Yes,” Mom sighed. “It wasn’t the first time since he came to town
during that visit but we hadn’t slept together since we broke up 20 years ago.”

My eyes widen. “What? When?”

I cannot believe my mother blushed. “I didn’t have a nightmare the night of your graduation party. I was in my room with your father.”

Boy, how glad am I now that I did not go in her room?

“And the next night. He came over and we were supposed to talk about what happened the night before and ended up in bed again.”

Jesus… my parents screwing.
EW
. And now they were having a baby. Yay!

“Mom…”

“I love him, honey. I never stopped.”

“Then you should tell him as soon as you tell him about this baby.”

“No, I will not tell him that. I have my pride, you know. He dumped me for my career choice and never looked back. He doesn’t care about me.”

“
Samantha and Parker think he does,” I whisper. “They think he is still in love with you and that is what is still bugging Terri. He loved you and not her, at least not in the same way.”

Mom looked at me as if I’d grown a second head. “Really?”

I nod. “Call him. Right now.”

“I don’t know, honey. I don’t think I can tell him either of these things.”

“You have to, Mom. He should know. Please,” I say, handing her my cell. “Call him. I’ll hold your hand.”

Mom takes my phone after I unlock it and calls Daddy
. She gripped my hand while she talked. Mom nervous. I’d never seen that before.

“No,
it’s not Itsy, Sam, it’s me. Shauna. Uh, Shay … Yes, I have … No, nothing is wrong with our baby… I’m fine, too. Sort of … Well, um that time, uh, our time in that restroom, at the restaurant, we didn’t use a condom and now, um, well, I’m sort of, a little bit pregnant.”

Mom grows silent and holds her breath. I
can just picture my father on the other end, his eyes wide and roaming around the room. This silence lasts for several minutes then Mom starts shaking.

“What? Are-are you sure, Sam?
...  Of course, I never stopped … What about my career? ... Yes, I know but … No, you’re right … Okay … Yes …
YES
! ... Now? ... Okay,” Mom laughs. “I’ll tell her. Okay, Bye.”

“Mom! You forgot to tell him you love him!”

“No, I didn’t, honey. I just agreed to marry him,” Mom grinned.

“You didn’t!”

“I did!” Mom shrieked. “He’s getting a flight out here. We’re going to have a long talk as soon as he arrives. I think I’m moving to New York, too!”

I grin then. My family is coming together. My parents are getting married and having another baby, my brother and best friend are engaged and both are going to New York too.

And I am alone. Again. Sucks.

“Congratulations, Mom and best wishes in your marriage. Will you miss being a cop?”

“No, not that I have the love of my life back. I’ll find something to fulfill my days. Oh, wait… I’ll have the baby! God, did I have fun with you and I’m looking forward to doing that again. Labor, not so much. That shit is so hard.”

I laugh at that and hug her again.

“But what you get in the end…,” Mom says as she rubs my head. “When you see that precious baby and raise her and watch her grow into a beautiful, caring and loving woman, well… it makes it all worth it.”

“Thank you, Mom. I had a great role model for all of that.”

We hold each other for a few more minutes then Mom gives my head one last rub and releases me.

“Now, back to
Jaxen. What did he lie about, honey?”

I sigh. “He quoted a song he wrote and said he loved me.”

“Okay. Go on.”

“Go on?” I frown. “Go on to what?”

“To the lie, honey. I’m waiting to hear the lie.”

“That was it. He said he loved me.”

Mom shakes her head then knocks… literally knocks… on my head.

“Hello? Is there any sense in there?”

“Ow, Mom!” I screech, yanking her hand away. “What?”

“How can you not see
Jaxen loves you? I think he’s felt that way for a while, way before you two started up.”

“What are you talking about, Mom?
Jaxen doesn’t love girls. He can’t. It’s so not in his nature. I’m just grateful I never had actual sex with him.”

“Wait!
” Mom shouts then shakes her head like she’s just been told oranges are actually purple. “You’ve never had sex with Jaxen? You’re
still
a virgin?”

“Yes, I am.
I’ve never had sex. We’ve done--”

I clamp shut and go wide-eyed.
Oh… God… kill… me…
now
!

“What have you done?”

I blush and look at my fingers.

“Have you used your mouth,
Itsy?”

I shake my head as
a sharp pain shoots through my chest and my heart beats faster.

“He use his?”

I shake my head again. I think this is a heart attack.

“You use your hand?”

I shake my head again. Yep, I’m going to die today.

“He use his fingers?”

My eyes widen even more and I know I turned burgundy as I breathe heavy in complete and total embarrassment as I slowly nod. This cannot be an acceptable conversation to have with one’s mother. Children’s services should be bursting through our door any second now…

“That’s it?”

“Yes,” I whisper.

“He gave you an orgasm
with his fingers and asked for nothing in return and you’ve been with him for how long?”

“
Forty-eight days,” I whisper again and drop my forehead to my knees.

“Fo
rty-eight dates and you still haven’t… um, are you scared to, Itsy?”

“No, Mom! Oh, God… please let the ground swallow me whole now!”

“What? Why?”

“Because I’m sitting on the living room floor talking to my pregnant mother about the sex I am not having but want so bad with
Jaxen and am thoroughly embarrassed to admit that he keeps turning me down!”

Mom chuckles and I glare at her. She stops immediately then adopts a serious look.

“Why does he keep turning you down, honey?”

I sigh. “He
’s always saying it’s not the right time, not special enough. Code for ‘I don’t want you, Itsy, stop asking.’ There’s only so much rejection I can take!”

Chapter 8

Maybe this is for the Best…

Mom scowls at me and stands. “I did not raise a stupid child. Get up!”

“What?”
I blink.

“Get. Up!”

I nervously stand and look at her. We’re the same height so I can see directly into her eyes. They are on fire.

“Gra
b that bag and let’s go,” Mom sighed as she grabbed her keys from the entry bowl. Picking up her purse, she turned and gave me that glare she gives to the officers under her.

“But Mom--”

“Oh, no. No buts. Out!”

I grabbed my bag and ran out of the house, going straight to her car. I sold mine a month ago so I’d been depending on her car
lately, which she gave me full use of because she usually drove her squad car. We silently drove for a few minutes and I stared at my fingers the entire time. When she put the car in park, I finally looked up. We were at Jaxen’s parents’ house. My eyes zoomed to Jaxen’s bike.

“Mom, why are we here?”

I didn’t mean to, but that was a whine. Like I was five.

“Because I refuse for you to be as stupid as I was with your fa
ther. I do not want you to be 39 and pregnant by Jaxen because you threw caution to the wind at a restaurant and had mind blowing sex. If Jaxen is your one, keep him. Get him back and see where this is going. If it ends at New York, then it will be as it should, not now when you’re being stubborn. Now get out of my car and go get your man back!”

I stare at my mother. “Pregnancy has turned you into a shrew, you know.”

“No it hasn’t. This is me when I feel strongly about something, when someone is acting stupid. You never do so you’re seeing it for the first time. Now go. I’ll wait right here until you settle things with that boy.”

I sigh as I leave her car and slowly go to the door. I stare at it for a minute then ring the bell and step back as I wait for someone to answer.

I hold my breath when the door opens. Sara.

“
Oh, thank
God
! He’s in the garage and it’s not pretty. John! Please go to Jaxen and tell him Itsy’s here! Would you like to come in, dear?”

“No, thank you, Sara. I think
Jaxen and I should talk out here. My mother is watching,” I say as I point to the car. Sara smiles and waves. Mom does the same.

Suddenly,
Jaxen runs full tilt to the front of the house and stops in front of the porch, breathing heavy and sweating profusely as he stares at me in disbelief.

“I’ll just… I’ll be… right,” Sara says
as I stare back at Jaxen. I next hear the door close behind me and aside from my mother’s eyes, and I’m sure Jaxen’s entire family in various windows, we are alone.

I slowly walk down the stairs and stand about three feet away from
Jaxen. He never takes his eyes from me.

“I thought you neve
r wanted to see me again,” Jaxen panted.

“I didn’t.”

“Then why are you here?”

I point over to Mom’s car. “She made me.”

Jaxen turns, nods at the car then looks back to me. “Okay. Why?”

“
She
doesn’t think you lied.”

“I know I didn’t. I’ve never lied to you,
Kimber.”

“I’m sorry, but I think you did.”

“Care to tell me how?” Jaxen’s head tilts and he gives me a confused gaze. “What exactly did I lie about?”

I look up and down the street and
sigh as I focus on street sign. “You said you love me.”

“You think that was a lie?”
Jaxen said in a high-pitched yelp.

I nod, still not able to look at him.

“Why?”

I
frown. “What?”

“Why would you assume me expressing my love for you was a lie?”

“Because I know you, Jaxen. You can’t love a girl. You couldn’t. Why would I ever believe you could love me back?”

“Because it’s the… wait,
did you say ‘back’? You love me?”

I look at the ground as a tear falls down my cheek. “Unfortunately,” I whisper.

“Why is that unfortunate?”

My head snaps up.
“Because it is!” I shout.

“Why?” he shouts back.

I cover my face then ball my fist at my sides as I let out a loud and long groan to the sky.

“Because you cannot return my feelings! That’s why! And even if you did, we can’t do sh
it about it because I leave in 75 days! I knew I shouldn’t have started up with you! I knew I would only get my heart broken and I was right!”

“Come on,
Kimber, you’re being completely stupid! Look at me!”

“
NO!
” I shout then start walking toward Mom’s car. I get about halfway across the front yard when I hear the door locks and freeze. Her hand comes up and she gives me a stop motion then I’m turned and I look into Jaxen’s blazing eyes as he grips my arms.

“I love you,
Kimber,” he shouts. “I have for at least two years now. Why is that so hard to believe?”

I still can’t believe it. I shake my head as I say,
“You’ve never done anything at all to show me that. And you said so many times that you don’t ‘do’ love. Why should I believe you?”

“
So I said some bullshit in the past. Well, call it a lie or me stupid or whatever but I love you! And I’ve never done anything? Let’s see… I’ve warned off every potential date you’ve ever had! I’ve warned off my band; Roland. I even had a long talk with Parker after I threatened to kill him if he ever hurt my sister. He did the exact same thing. I’ve written songs about you. Sappy, ‘please love me’ songs that the band hates but plays them because the fangirls love them. I hate being lead singer and prefer my drums but I stood at your party and sang that song Ren and I wrote, for you! I put my heart out there for you and you kissed Roland Sampson right in front of me! It tore me to pieces to see the way you kissed him before he left that night. I kept thinking that should have been me and I wanted to tear him into what I was feeling! You don’t know how hard it was to restrain myself that night. The one and only thing that kept me at bay was the fact that I was at a cop’s house and I could’ve been arrested on the spot!”

I
blink at his confession. “You really love me?” I whisper. “Are you sure?”

“YES! FUCK! I DO!
I AM! WHAT ELSE DO I NEED TO DO OR SAY TO MAKE YOU BELIEVE I LOVE YOU?!”

I startle
at his shout and my tears fall heavily down my face. I have to believe him now. He pretty much shouted it to the entire neighborhood. I have never been in more danger of being hurt than I am at this point in my life. He loves me and I love him. We are going to be destroyed when we have to say goodbye.

Maybe we should just do it now. If I spend these last days with him as his, there is no way I will be able to go anywhere. We’re already standing here, staring at each other in pain. Granted,
its pain that I caused because I was too silly to believe this man loved me but still… we will be in even more pain if we continue this and I have to tell him goodbye forever later.

I sigh and wipe my face. “I believe you,
Jaxen. Still, it changes nothing. We’re over.” I turn and continue to walk to Mom’s car, tightening my arms across my chest as I walk. I make it to the end of his parents’ yard when his voice rings out.

“
WHY?!
Dammit! Why are you doing this to us, Kimber?”

I turn and glare at him
as he stands in the middle of the grassy area, just to the left of his mother’s beautiful flowers. I try to ignore how angelic he looks as I tell him what is on my mind.

“Don’t you fucking see,
Jaxen? We are already hurting and there is still over 70 days left! If we continue, it will only get worse! Are you looking forward to me breaking down and causing a scene in the airport or the airplane during my flight to New York as it takes me further and further away from the man I love? Do you relish the thought of me not eating, not sleeping and refusing every date I’m asked on for God knows how long because I’m too busy wallowing in my pain over losing you? Is it going to be easy for you to see me go? Do you already count down the days when you can finally be free of me and move on?”

Jaxen
’s mouth tightened as he glared back, absorbing my words.

“I don’t think of the day you’re leaving. At least I try not to. It guts me to drop you at home after we’ve seen each other. How the fuck will it be easy for me to watch you get on a plane that will literally take you across the country
, thousands of miles away from me? You think it will be easy for me to move on? To what? Who compares to you, Kimber? Who else could make stale, funky air smell like roses to me? Who else could make water taste like wine, make more relaxed than marijuana ever did by just the thought of them? Ask me when the last time I had a hard goddamn drink, Kimber! Never mind, I’ll tell you! The night before Samantha told our parents about this New York shit! I haven’t wanted it! I felt drunk enough at feeling that you were leaving me and never knowing how much I love you!”

Jaxen
dropped then, appearing to be completely exhausted. I stare at him, totally confused as to what to do as his arms rest on his knees that are pulled tightly to his chest as he holds his head.

“And now you want to take the last few days I have, we have. Why? Why are you slowly killing me,
Kimber? It’s too fucking soon. Saying goodbye to you… it’s too soon. Please… not yet.” Jaxen turned his glassy eyes up to me and pleaded into mine. “I’ll beg, I swear I will. Don’t leave me yet. Not yet. Please. You don’t know how much I need you now. Please. Don’t do this.”

Yeah, that broke me.

I walked over and kneeled in front of him and wiped his face. He pulled me into his arms and made me straddle him, hugging me tight as he sobbed into my neck.

“Don’t go. I need you. Not yet. Give me these days. Please,
Itsy. Please.”

“Stop.
Jaxen, please don’t beg me,” I whisper.

“I have to, baby
. I’m not ready. I won’t ever be but this is too soon. I need to brace myself for July 19th, not May 5th,” he breathed into my neck, his arms tightening more and he started rocking us. “It’s too soon, it’s too soon. I need you.”

“I know,” I whisper again. “I thought I was doing us a
favor, Jaxen. If we continue, how do you think we will be when I leave if we are like this now?

“I don’t care. I just know that I need you to be mine until you leave. I cannot handle the thought of us both being here and not being able to see you, be with you. Please,
Kimber, take me back until July 19th.”

My arms tighten around him and I nod softly. He lets out a
sob and somehow manages to hold me even tighter.

“
Jaxen?”

No answer, just
him holding me as he rocks me.

“
Jaxen?”

“No. Not yet. I don’t care who’s watching us.”

“Okay, but… they will all be witnesses to my murder.”

Jaxen
pulls back and frowns at me. “What?”

I let out a relieved exhale. “You were squeezing the air from me! I couldn’t breath
e!”

Jaxen
laughs and holds me again, but not as tight as before. Everything is blurred in the world outside of us. I recall Mom walking over and dropping my bag on the side of us, her kissing mine then Jaxen’s head, her car starting and driving away. I recall Sara calling us, urging us to come in from the cool night air. We didn’t move. We sat in the grass and held each other. It felt like hours.

Samantha
and their little sister, Macy, came out after a while and pried us apart. We shakily stood, staring at each other as we stretched our stiff limbs. Samantha said something in my ear as she stuffed something in my jeans pocket, but I could not understand her because I was too focused on Jaxen. I saw Macy press something into Jaxen’s hand but he wouldn’t grip it. Macy had to nudge him a few times to get him to break his stare.

“What, Mickey?”

Macy sighed. “Stop calling me Mickey! I said, take my car.”

“Huh? Take it where?”

“Wherever it is you need to go with your girlfriend. Mom doesn’t think either of you need to be on the bike. Keep the car over the weekend. I’ll be fine without it until Monday morning.”

“What are you talking about?”
Jaxen frowned.

Samantha
sighed. “Did either of you hear what I said?”

I shook my head. So did
Jaxen.

“Mom sent us out here to tell you she doesn’t need a lawn ornament made out of humans. She wants you two to go somewhere and talk in private. We all need our cars
in the morning, so Mickey--”

“
MACY
!”

“
Mickey
volunteered hers. Now go before Mickey changes her mind.”