Falling to Pieces (7 page)

“Yeah, I needed a change. Plus, this is a
more professional look.” I force my hand away from his head and place it back
in my lap to refrain myself from touching him further.

After a brief moment of silence, I am
about to say something when Sam speaks up first. “I am sorry for what I said.”

Confused I ask, “What are you talking
about?”

“When I said you were a glorified booty
call. I was angry and I didn’t mean it. I hated myself for saying something
like to you and tried calling a million times to apologize but you never
answered. I’m sorry, Cheyenne.”

I turn my body to face Sam, not wanting
him to feel any regret or pain from what happened in our past. I place my hand
on his arm and he grabs it, holding it between his.

“I know you didn’t mean it.” I say. “It
was a tough time for everyone after Austin’s accident. Our emotions were
running wild, and I wasn’t exactly being nice.”

“Can we talk about it? I won’t flip out
this time, I promise. I just get so confused with you and never where I stand.
You’re always so hot and cold.” He pauses and I’m not sure I am ready to
respond yet, so he continues. “The times we were together were always amazing
and left me wanting more. I have always wanted more, Cheyenne.”

“They were amazing, Sam. And I don’t
want to hurt you. But I’ve told you, I can only offer so much. What you want,
the relationship and the commitment, I just can’t do it.” I hate knowing that I
am causing him such pain, but I am hurting myself also.

“Why?” He asks, squeezing my hand in
his. “What is it that has you so freaked out?”

“All of it.” I rush out. “Most of all,
just the idea of losing myself completely in someone and then taking the chance
of them leaving me broken. I can’t do it.”

“Cheyenne, how can you not know by now?
I could never leave you. It’s just not possible.”
The
sincerity in his eyes killing me.

I feel the tears pooling. “You don’t
understand how badly I want to believe that.”

Pulling one of his hands away from mine,
Sam gently wipes the fallen tears from my cheeks.

“I wish I had a better way to explain
it, but please know that if I could be that girl for anyone, it would be you,
Sam. Only you.” I am barely able to get the last word out before I break down.

Everything I have been holding in since
I last saw him comes rushing out in sobs.

Wrapping his arms around me, Sam pulls
me against his chest, kissing my head.

“
Shh
… I don’t
want to see you upset like this. We can stop talking about it for the night.”

I snake my arm around his mid-section
and mold my body to his side, resting my head on his chest. This is where I
feel the safest, in Sam’s arms. The irony is lost on me that the one person I
feel the most for is the one I run away from.

Sam holds me like this until I have shed
my last tear, the whole time running his hand up and down my back and kissing
my head.

Exhaustion settles in, causing me to
yawn.

“Stay the night with me.” Sam says
holding me a little tighter. “I just want to spend the night holding you.”

“Okay.” I whisper.

Even if I didn’t want to stay, I was too
tired to make it back home. This is where I wanted to be.

Lifting me up with him, Sam stands, and
carries me to the bedroom. Much like the rest of the apartment his bedroom is mostly
bare. In the middle of the room is a queen bed with dark gray linens and with the
adjacent wall holding the dresser.

“I need to use the restroom first.” My
face feels sticky from crying and I can only imagine the streaks of mascara
running down my cheeks.

“Right through here.” Sam says, showing
me door on the other side of the hallway. “Do you want something to sleep in?”

“A shirt would be nice.”

Walking past me towards the dresser, I
grab Sam’s arm stopping him and pulling him closer. Shaking my head, I tell him,
“No, this shirt.”
 

Sliding my hands under the bottom of his
shirt, I run them up his defined abdomen remembering what is was like to have
my mouth on his body. Dragging the shirt up as I go my eyes stay locked with
Sam’s heated gaze, only breaking it to pull the shirt over his head. Sam stays still
the entire time allowing me to strip off his shirt and I can feel the want
burning in his eyes.

Placing my hand on his chest I feel his
heart rapidly beating. Closing my eyes, I start to pull my hand away, but Sam
catches it. Lifting my eyes to meet his mesmerizing gaze, I watch as he brings
my hand up to his mouth and kisses my palm. Such an innocent gesture and I am
feeling it all the way down in my core. I need to walk away before I lose my
resolve.

Without a word, he drops my hand and I
turn around crossing the room to the bathroom. After the door is closed I feel
the breath return to my lungs allowing me to breath again. Leaning with my
hands braced on the small vanity, I take a few deep breaths in and out.

I
can do this.

I can spend the night, in bed with Sam,
and not let my hormones run wild. No big deal.

Turning on the water I splash my face
and wipe away the remaining make up, leaving only my freckles to show. My hair
has started to wave and poof out, but there is no help for it since my hair tie
is in my bag, which is all the way in the living room.

I take off my dress and bra, folding
them in a pile on the vanity. As I slip Sam’s shit over my head, I inhale his
scent, savoring every second.

Please
give me the strength to handle this.

When I walk back into the room, its dark
and Sam is already sitting in the bed, his chest still bare. Smiling, Sam pats
the bed next to him and I make my way over.

This is silly, I feel like a virgin on
her first sleep over.

Pulling back the covers I sit next to him,
unsure of what to do or say. I would love to slide over across his lap and
indulge in his body, allowing him to make me forget myself, only the way that
he can.

It’s going to be extremely hard being
around
Sam, without being
with
Sam.

“I have to say I am happy you sent that
drink over tonight,” he says, putting his arm around my shoulders and pulling
me closer. “Well, I guess I should probably thank my ass for that one.”

With a tiny break in the sexual tension
I allow myself to sink further into Sam and laugh.

“It always was my favorite.”

“This has always been my favorite.” Sam
places his hand under my chin, tilting my face towards him, and runs the back
of his fingers against my cheek. “Wild hair, no make-up, and these adorable
freckles that sprinkle the top of your nose. Just pure, Cheyenne.”

My heart rate spikes and I lift myself
up, bringing my mouth to Sam’s. Slowly I brush my lips against his, before
pressing them down, lingering for a moment before pulling away.

Before I lose what little control I have
left, I turn on my side away from Sam. The bed shifts behind me and I feel his
arm wrap around my mid-section pulling my back against his front. My small
frame always fits just perfectly in Sam’s larger one. Laying my arm over his, I
entwine our fingers resting them just below my breasts.

Giving my hand a light squeeze, Sam
whispers in my ear, “Goodnight, little red.”

With a kiss to my shoulder, he snuggles
me tighter and I relax, allowing my guard to fall just for the night.

I wake the following day, alone in Sam’s
bed. Earlier this morning I heard him moving quietly about his room, but I just
couldn’t bring myself to open my eyes. I still exhausted and emotionally
drained. On the pillow next to my head I find a piece of paper with Sam’s
scribble on it. Lifting myself to a sitting position, I pick up the note and read
what it says.

Had an early class and
didn’t want to wake you.

We still need to
finish our talk.

Please call or text me
later.

-Sam

He was right about that. We still had a
lot to talk about, but honestly it was a conversation I really didn’t want to
get back to anytime soon. It always has the same outcome; I end up hurting Sam,
and that hurts me.

Once I finally pull myself from Sam’s
bed, I neatly pull the blankets up, remembering how he always kept his room
tidy and made his bed every morning. After redressing in my clothes from the
night, I find my way back to his living room, where I locate my bag. I pull my
phone from its usual inner pocket and release a frustrated breath when I
realize the battery is dead.

Great.

Placing my phone back into its pocket, I
also stuff the new shirt I decided to steal into my bag.

As a girl left alone inside the
apartment of a guy that you are quasi involved with, what would you do?

Snoop around, of course.

That is how I found myself rifling
through one of the many boxes taking up space in his living room. And precisely
how I come across a framed photo; one that I also have a copy of in my room.
It’s a picture of Sam with me on one side and his mom on the other, taken the
night of our graduation. This has to be one of my favorite pictures. I love the
smile on Sam’s face with has his arms wrapped around his mom and my shoulders,
pulling us in close.

When I lean down to return the picture
to the box, the next thing I notice is a newspaper article peeking up at me. Recognizing
our hometown logo, I can already see that it is the sports highlights from our
senior year when they wrote an article on Sam’s baseball season.

Lifting it from the box to read it more
closely, I instantly replace my attention to the photo that appears from
underneath it and drop the paper to the side.

It is a more recent photo of Sam looking
incredibly sexy on the beach in his board shorts. His usually tanned skin is even
darker from lengthy sun exposure, which makes his green eyes appear brighter than
usual. However, it’s not how mouthwatering Sam looks that catches my attention,
but rather the blonde supermodel that is wrapped around him smiling into the
camera.

Her long and natural looking blonde hair
cascaded down her back. Standing to the side, showcasing her amazing rack and
long slender torso, she was pressed snuggly up against Sam’s side resting her
hand on his chest. Attached to the torso was a pair of legs that went on for
miles. His arm was wrapped around her waist resting along her hip and they both
sported pearly white smiles dripping with happiness.

Fucking
Barbie and Ken.

They looked perfect together and with
his short hair, I realize it must have been taken sometime in the last eight
months. It was possibly even this summer before he moved, leaving me to
question if this is an old girlfriend, or even worse, a current one.

What
does it matter, Cheyenne?

You
don’t want to be with Sam, remember?

I close my eyes and take several deep,
calming breaths before I return the picture to the box and grab my bag to
leave.

I am great at denial and every time I
say that I don’t want to be with Sam, what I really feel is that I want nothing
more than that. Sam is one of a kind and I know that I would never be able to
find someone that could come close to comparing to him. However, at the same
time he deserves more than what I can offer, and I won’t allow myself to be so
selfish.

Pushing through the apartment door, I am
surprised to see Sawyer sitting at the kitchen bar, eating a sandwich. She
looks up as I enter, exploring my eyes in an attempt to gauge my mood. Becka
would have informed her last night about my run-in with Sam and leaving the bar
with him.

In a silent offer, Sawyer lifts the
untouched half of her sandwich, to which I shake my head to decline. Setting my
bag down on the counter, I reach into the refrigerator and pull out a green
jar. I have yet to have any coffee today and right now I have a bigger craving
for a pickle.

“Just remember, I tried to warn you.”
Sawyer says cautiously, as I bite into the tangy dill.

“Yeah, I put that together last night
once I saw him.” Screwing the lid back on the jar I place it into the fridge
before taking a seat next to Sawyer.

“Becka told me about the drink incident.
I wish I had been there.” We both laugh.

“Oh, it was real epic, especially when I
fell on my ass.”

When I think about it, it is rather
funny. His ass landed me on mine.

“So
..
” Sawyer
drags out, “
..you
and Sam…” Moving her eyebrows up and
down she waits for me to fill in the blank.

“Nothing happened.” I state and Sawyer
looks at me like I am full of shit. “Really. Nothing happened. We talked and we
slept. That is all.”

“And the talk, where does that leave you
guys? Are you okay now?”

What excellent questions Sawyer.

“I don’t know. I think we’re good.”

But,
where do we go from here?

I can’t help but wonder who this Barbie
is.

“I guess now we just carry on with our
lives.” I state flatly.

Sawyer observes me for a minute before
asking, “And that is what you want?”

No.

“Yeah, of course. What else would we
do?”

“Oh, wow. I don’t know Cheyenne, maybe
admit your feelings and be together.”

That’s a stupid idea.

“Not going to happen.” I say with
finality.
 
It’s time for a change of
subject. “What do you have planned for tonight?”

Returning to her recently forgotten
sandwich, Sawyer accepts the change. “Preston is working so Lilly can have the
night off. Becka has plans, so it’s just you and me, friend.”

“Well, that sounds like trouble in the
making. I know this bar we can hit up. Gorgeous bartender I think you’ll like
and I hear the manager isn’t too bad either.”
 
I wink at Sawyer, happy for the mood
lift.

“Isn’t your boy’s band playing tonight
too?”

“Not my boy, but yes they are.” To my
surprise, I had forgotten Dave and his band would be at Penny’s tonight.

I had been looking forward to when he
would be back in town, but the minute I saw Sam, all thoughts of another guy
were out the window.

“Be careful.” Sawyer’s concern is
written all over her face. I’m not sure if she is referring to Dave or Sam, but
I am not about to ask.

“I am not doing anything.” I sing back.

“On that note, I got to run to class.
See you later on.”

After cleaning up her lunch mess, Sawyer
grabs her messenger bag and heads out the door.

Checking the time on the stove, I am
surprised it’s still before noon.

What
will I do with my day?

First things first, I need to plug in my
phone. With my bag in hand, I walk into my room and lay across my bed inserting
the cord in the bottom of my phone. Patiently, I wait for it to turn on and watch
as three messages come through, all from this morning.

Aaron:
Leaving town for the night. Possibly weekend.

Becka:
Guessing things went well when I didn’t see you this morning ;)

Dave:
Hope to see you tonight.

I focus my attention on Aaron’s text
first, wondering where in the world he is heading. This must be a last minute
trip, since he didn’t mention it yesterday when we talked.

Where are you?

Aaron:
Meeting w/ Martha

You went all the way back to Redwood
?!

Aaron:
No. I only agreed to halfway. May end up back tonight.

Good luck. If you need me, call.

Aaron:
Thanks.

My heart goes out to Aaron. I can’t
imagine being in his shoes right now, unaware of what has been going on with
Martha. From what I understand, things aren’t looking good at all. Martha has
been a part of my life for as long as Sawyer, but Aaron is family, and if she
has been running around on him then I really hope he walks away. I hate to see
him hurt, but I also know he wouldn’t be able to fully trust her ever again. Whatever
may come of it, I just want him to be happy.

Going back to my messages, I send a reply
to Becka, already knowing the answer to my question I am about to ask.

What are you doing tonight?

Becka:
Secret.

Bitch!

Becka:
;)

As much as I really want to know what
she is up to, I can’t help but enjoy our new running joke. She told me to give
her time and I will.

I decide to not respond to Dave right
away, but instead pull up my contacts and unblock Sam’s number. I’ll admit that
maybe I was being just a little bit dramatic when I blocked him in the first
place. Though if I hadn’t, I knew that it wouldn’t have been long before I gave
in and responded.

It was hard enough just from the few
texts I read before blocking him. His heartfelt apologies tore through me. With
the way I was treating the situation, I don’t even deserve the kindness he
showed me last night. He should have left my ass right there on the dirty bar
floor.

Opening up a new message I contemplate
what to send. Do I want to be serious? Or maybe send something funny to break
the ice.

It was good to see you. Glad things
weren’t awkward.

I hit send and instantly regret it. That
message was lame. Could I really not come up with something better? Why don’t
phones have un-send buttons that you can hit and it just erase it from the
receiver?

“Stupid. Stupid. Stupid.” I repeat while
hitting myself in the forehead with my phone before it vibrates in my hand and
beeps with a new text.

Sam:
We still have a lot to discuss. Many things were left unsaid.

My heart starts beating faster just from
a simple text. This is one of the things I don’t like. Knowing someone has that
much influence of my emotions that a little text can get my palms sweating.

You’re right.

Sam:
I’m done with class. Meet me somewhere?

We needed to get this sorted, but I
think this conversation still needs to be done in private. I don’t need an
audience to my madness. I could just invite him to my apartment, but then
again, having somewhere this private might lead things in a different
direction.

Okay how about the park by your
apartment? Give me twenty.

Sam:
I will be waiting.

Quickly, I jump in the shower and scrub
my body before washing my hair. Recalling Sam’s words from last night, lying in
bed, I throw some mousse in my hair scrunching up the curls.

I’ll
give him wild hair.

I keep it simple with khaki shorts and
my blue Sharks t-shirt I used to wear while working at the bookstore. Checking
the time, I need to run, so I apply a quick coat of mascara before I grabbing
my phone, and tossing my bag on my shoulder.

I don’t have to look long when I reach
the park before spotting Sam. Walking over to the wooden picnic table, I take a
seat on top next to him. Neither one of us says a word at first, just taking in
the scenery. There is a small group of guys in the field kicking around a
soccer ball and a few people are running the trails. I am not a big fan of
exercise, but there have been a few times over the years when I would come out here
with my ear buds and walk around to clear my head.

“It’s nice out here.” Sam says, breaking
the silence.

“As the weather starts to cool, more
people take advantage of the park. The summer heat can be a bit much at times,
but a lot of students enjoy the trails, which are shaded.”

“I’ve been using the gym at my complex,
but I always prefer the outdoors.”

A memory pops into my head from when Sam
first came to Redwood and I caught him running on the track one day after
school. I was staying late, keeping Sawyer
company
while she waited for Austin to finish football practice. I am unsure how long I
stood there staring at him before he noticed and walked over. It was
embarrassing, but at least it got his attention. That was the start of my personal
sport of watching Sam, whether he was running, stretching, or my personal
favorite, pitching.