Fallout (47 page)

LEFT UNSAID:

Even me.

I always knew

she chose drugs

over me. Now I

find out she chose

some-guy-not-my-

father over me too.

Happy as I am

to have any new

information that

imparts insight re:

what made me, me,

and why I’m here,

I need more

answers. Now, while

he’s hopefully stuck

in verbal mode, is

the time to strike.

After we catch our

collective breath.

Understanding

my father is suddenly

important. Not sure

why. Understanding

my mother very well

might be impossible.

BUT I HAVE TO TRY

So here goes. “How did

I end up with you when

Mom went to prison?”

He looks at me like I’m

speaking Chinese.
Hasn’t

anyone ever told you this

stuff? Not your mom? Not

my mom? Seriously?

“If someone had, I wouldn’t

be asking, Dad. Not like

I need to have stories

repeated. I’m not a little kid.”

He smiles tightly.
Even when

you were little, you never

did want to hear the same

story twice. Buying books

for you was a waste of money
,

not that we ever had a whole

lot to waste. So, okay, how

much, exactly, do you know?

“Only what you told me at

Thanksgiving. That she was

married to your old friend, Trey,

and that you broke them up.”

HE COCKS HIS HEAD

Reaching way back into his brain,

trying to locate that night.

I said that? Guess I was pretty

buzzed. Don’t remember it at all.

Yes, Trey and I were friends, and I was

passing through. Don’t remember

where to, but once I was there a few

days, I didn’t want to leave. Ever.

“Because of the dope or

because of Mom?”

Both. Oh my God. You can’t imagine

how much crystal they were moving.

And as for your mom, she was skinny

as hell, and a total tweaker bitch
,

but I fell for her right off. Something

in those eyes, and she was wild in b—

Way TMI, Dad. Still, “Uh, it’s okay.

Obviously you guys had sex.”

It was more than that, at least

for me. I was flat in love with her.

Which was a fucked-up thing to be.

Trey wasn’t around much.

Working a little. Dealing a lot.

Kristina and I were tight for a while.

He stops. Lights another cig.

Stares at his empty beer can.

I should get him one. The deadly duo

seems to be fueling his storytelling.

I don’t think she ever really loved

me, though. She was crazy about

Trey. She liked making him jealous.

Which was dangerous for both of

us. He did have a temper! When

he found out about us, he freaked.

Dad looks longingly at the empty

again. This time I just go get one.

A very long swig and he begins

again.
We got into it pretty good.

But even if I would have beat

the crap out of him, she wouldn’t

have chosen me. I got the picture

and left. Didn’t know she was pregnant….