FanGirl Squeal (RockStars of Romance Book 1) (35 page)

“Doesn’t what people say bother you?”

“Of course it bothers me. However, I’ve been accused of
being something I’m not all of my life. I was stuck-up and conceited then weird
back in school. I was a lesbian because I hung out with Troy and Brandon. They
can say what they want about me because they’re going to anyway, no matter how
I feel about it. I know that I’m not a nigga, a bitch, a gold-digger, a
lesbian, a fag-hag, or a gossip blogger,” I added with a little laugh. “But
that’s what they call me. I’ve been writing in this industry long enough to
know that people are always going to have something to say and not hesitate to
hide behind the anonymity of the Internet to say it.”

I couldn’t gauge Ashley’s receptiveness to my mini-speech
because she does this thing with her face that makes it very hard to read her
emotions. She didn’t press any further though so I got up and grabbed my
overnight bag.

“Look,” I said while rummaging through the bag for my
bikini, “it’s our birthday weekend. I don’t want to spend it dwelling on Cash
or your situation. Let’s just go hang out with the girls by the pool and we’ll
show your old ass how to let loose and have some fun.”

Before I knew it, Ashley began to cry like a baby, loud
sobbing and ugly crying to the max. I sat down next to her, unable to figure
out what the hell I said to get this reaction.

“Ash, what’s wrong?”

“I lied,” she wailed. “I’ve been lying about everything! I’m
not resigning. I got fired. And Kevin isn’t here because he wanted to stay with
the baby. I put him out! I’m leaving him!”

Oh my God! What the hell did she just say?

“Ashley, calm down,” I said calmly even though I was
freaking out on the inside. “Tell me, slowly, what happened.”

“Kevin’s having an affair with my boss. And she fired me.”

“You’re serious? Oh God, Ashley, I’m so sorry!”

Ashley wiped her eyes with the sleeve of her robe and took
deep breaths to calm down.

“When you said let loose, all I could think was that’s all I’ve
wanted to do for the last ten years. I’ve been so afraid of disappointing
everyone that I saw Dad’s plan for me and stuck to it. The only time I ever
have any fun is when I’m with you and that rarely happens because you hate me.”

I chuckled and mussed my sister’s still flawless weave. “I
don’t hate you. Right now, at this very moment, I love you so much.”

“Seriously, Savannah, we’ve spent the last ten years feeling
more like third cousins or distant relatives than identical twin sisters. Can
we fix this or is it too late?”

Honestly, I didn’t know I needed to hear Ashley ask that
question until she did. I didn’t realize that I’m not okay with our
relationship as/is until she admitted that she wasn’t either.

I threw my arms around my sister and hugged her tightly. “We
can try,” I told her. “We can definitely try.”

I’d promised Cash that I’d talk to him when I got back from
Malibu but after spending the weekend with my sister, I decided to fly back
home with her and help her with her Kevin situation.

Ashley’s brilliant and if she decides to go through with a
divorce, I know she’ll come out on top. Kevin better watch out because now my
people are gearing to make his life absolutely miserable.

I was so busy getting caught up in Ashley’s drama so I
wouldn’t have to deal with mine that two weeks had passed and I didn’t even
realize it until Troy called my phone early one morning and told me to bring my
ass home.

I still haven’t told him that I’m home. I’ve been trying to
avoid seeing or hearing his name or any news about his kid, but the stories
coming out haven’t died down. It’s rare for baby news to still be making
headlines after two weeks but now the entertainment news community is on baby
bump watch. Every time Victoria steps out of her house, it’s news. I can’t
escape it.

****

After an early morning jog around the neighborhood, I
stopped at Starbucks and got our morning coffee for a change. By the time I
stepped out of the shower and got dressed, Troy was gone. He left a little
thank you note sticking to my bedroom door for me.

I warmed up my leftover coffee and did something I usually
never do, turned on the television. Unfortunately, it was just in time to see
Cash’s picture flash across my television screen. I stopped hearing what the
newscaster was talking about. I was focused on stilling my beating heart. He looked
so good in the picture they flashed. Whatever the report was had to be
something about Brittany’s competition cheering squad because they were at her
gym and he was grinning like the proudest big brother I’ve ever seen.

I need to see him but as the as camera swept across the
gymnasium, I noticed Victoria sitting in the stands next to Cash’s mom looking
like part of the family. I may be too late or what I have to say may not even
matter at this point, but I sent him a text anyway.

I’m back in L.A. Sorry for not reaching out sooner. Your
stuff combined with family stuff kind of had my mind all over the place. I’d
like to talk if you have time.

I sat my phone down and lay on the couch with my arm
covering my eyes. A million questions ran through my head. All of them had
something to do with his ex-fiancée.

I don’t know how much time passed between the time I sent
the text until I realized someone was at my front door. When I opened it, Cash
was leaning against the wall with his thumbs tucked into the waistband of his
navy blue and white basketball shorts. His navy blue sleeveless t-shirt
accentuated his half sleeve tattoo. When Cash wears blue, it makes his eyes
even bluer. I don’t know how I’m going to get through this conversation without
ripping his clothes off.

“For a minute there, I didn’t think you were going to answer
the door.”

Cash was staring straight ahead. His ball cap sat low on his
head so I couldn’t see his eyes. I leaned against the doorframe and stared at
him while he stared at the neighbor’s dog doing her business on their lawn.

“You didn’t text me back.”

“Better to talk in person, don’t you think?”

“Come in the house, Cash.”

I absolutely have no use for the awkwardness and stiffness
between us, especially since we’ve never had it before. Seeing him shuffle
through my door then fidget on my couch irritated me. Yeah, it’s been two weeks
since we’ve talked and yes, he’s having a kid with another chick, but damn. I’m
still me. I’m still Savannah...his Savannah.

“What’s wrong with you?” I snapped.

Cash raised his head and met my eyes. “Are we starting this
conversation like this? With you yelling?”

“I didn’t yell. But you’re sitting there like you’ve never
met me. Why are you so nervous?”

“Why am I nervous?” Cash questioned like I’m a mind reader
and should have already known. “I haven’t heard a word from you in two weeks.
When you don’t hear from your girl for two weeks, the possibility that she’s
still your girl is slim to none.”

I sat back on the sofa and folded my arms. “I may not have
reached out but it certainly didn’t look like you were too stressed. You and
Victoria have been all over the news. Love the crib you guys picked out. Isn’t
that the same one Rachel Zoe has?” I added with more than a touch of attitude.
“And before you try to explain. I know that you’re celebrity. Part of your job
is to be out and about. Gotta show your face. I get it and it does not bother
me. What bothers me is that you’re out with her. I’ve seen the pictures of you
two out together. How can I compete with her?”

“That’s the thing,” Cash said and slid closer to me. “You
don’t have to compete with Victoria.”

I shook my head slowly. He just didn’t get it. “I absolutely
do. Cash, she’s Victoria Williamson. She’s beautiful, famous, and having your
child. On top of all that, she’s the woman you wanted to marry. I find it hard
to believe that you don’t see how this affects me. I’ll never be that gorgeous.
I’ll never be that famous. Worst of all, if I stay in this relationship, I’ll
never be the mother of your first-born child. I’ll never be able to share that
experience with you. I’ll never just be the mother of your child. I’ll be just
one of them.”

Cash pulled me against his chest. I was trying not to cry
until Cash moved my hair away from my face and kissed my cheek.

“Baby, what can I say to that? To me, you’re perfect. Victoria
isn’t your competition and she damn sure isn’t the standard I hold my
girlfriend to. What you and I have is real. It’s the kind of love that people
don’t find every day. How I feel about you is genuine. I love you. You have to
believe that.”

I do believe that Cash loves me. That’s the only reason
walking away from this situation is so hard. I know he’s sorry. Apologies and
remorse never change the facts though.

I sat up and turned Cash’s face to mine. My grandmother says
‘eyes are the mirrors to the heart and windows to the soul.’ Right now, I need
to see Cash’s heart and he needs to see mine.

“When I looked at those pictures of you and her and saw the
way you looked at her…Cash, there’s a reason everyone thinks that the two of
you are getting back together. People lie. Our hearts lie. Film and video do
not. You love her. You love her and now you’re having a baby with her. Why
should I stand in the way of that? Why should I be the reason you and Victoria
don’t get married as planned and start your family together?”

When Cash began to speak, his words tumbled out of his mouth
in such a low voice that I had to strain to hear him.

“For three years, I did love Victoria. Up until the day she
admitted to sleeping with Paul, I loved her. I won’t ever lie about that. But,
Savannah, when she looked me in my face and told me that she cheated on me, she
ceased being the woman that I loved. She stopped being the type of woman that I
could spend the rest of my life with.”

“That’s all well and good, but she’s having your kid,” I
gently reminded him. “And if you don’t care about her now, how can you be the
type of man I could see myself spending the rest of my life with?”

“I do care about her,” Cash clarified. He raised his hand
and tenderly grazed my face with his fingertips. “But I love you. I’m not
trying to lessen your feelings or how this situation affects you. If we had
found out five months ago, I’d still be with you. I care about her health and
well-being. I want her to be happy because, overall, Victoria is a good person.
I think she’s going to be a great mother and I don’t think we’re going to have
too many issues co-parenting. But Victoria Williamson isn’t you, Savannah. She’s
not and never will be.”

I blinked away tears as Cash’s words sunk in. Am I being
naïve by believing him? Possibly. Considering that the alternative is crying in
bed with two pints of Chunky Monkey and a gut-wrenching reminder is that I knew
something like this would happen if I got involved with him, I’ll take my
chances with playing the fool for once.

“I love you, Cash. I just don’t know how I support you in
this. Do I stand on the sidelines while Victoria sits in my seat at Brittany’s
competitions? Do I ignore the pictures of you and her shopping for baby
furniture or the late night ER visits because something doesn’t feel right? You
might have worked out how you’re going to co-parent once the baby is born, but
she’s pregnant now and until that baby arrives, you’re at the beck and call of
your pregnant ex, as it should be. How am I supposed to deal with that? What do
you expect from me?”

“I expect you to be you. I don’t expect you to ignore
anything. I don’t expect you and Vic to be BFFs either.”

He stopped talking and rubbed his hands through his hair. He
leaned over with his face in hands. It felt like an eternity passed before he
spoke again.

“Do you want to take a break and revisit our relationship
after the baby is born? I’d hate that,” he tried to chuckle, “but if not being
together right now, while Vic is pregnant, is what you need…”

His suggested resolution to our problem took me by surprise.
Four or five months isn’t that long. Hell, it’s the same number of days that we’ve
been together. Still, Cash and I are proof-positive that a lot can happen in
four months.

“I don’t want to take a break, but maybe we should,” I told
him. “I need more than two weeks to figure this out. Maybe we can slow this
train down before it derails.”

Cash looked heartbroken. The slow way he nodded his head
looked like it pained him to hear my willingness to accept his proposed
solution. He pushed back his hair and returned his Red Sox cap back to his
head.

“If that’s what you need,” he stated as he dejectedly rose
from the sofa.

He looked so pitiful that I pulled at his arm until he sat
back down.

“Cash, don’t be that way. I’m not mad at you. I’m just hurt
that this is our situation. It’s not your fault or Victoria’s fault. How can I
blame either of you for something that happened while you were together? I’m
not breaking up with you. I want to be with you. We just need to pump the
brakes. We dove headfirst into this relationship. Maybe it’s time to come for
air. You wouldn’t have suggested it if you hadn’t been thinking it already.”

“No, I hadn’t. It just popped into my head. I don’t even
know what taking a break entails. Am I not going to see you or talk to you
until after Vic has the baby? Are you going to date other guys?”

“Is that what you want? Because I don’t know what the pre-defined
parameters are of slowing down or taking a break either. I know that I need
some time and space, Cash. Whatever that means to you.”

Cash stood up again. This time I didn’t stop him. He kissed
the top of my head.

“See you around, Savannah.”

I watched Cash walk out of my townhouse and just hoped that
he wasn’t walking away from me forever.