Fashionably Dead Down Under (16 page)

Locking the doors and windows seemed silly
considering I was in a place where people popped up magically, but
it made the former human side of me feel more secure. Ethan was
still out. He’d kicked off the covers and his muscle bound body was
in full view. I ran my fingers over the light sprinkling of blond
hair on his chest. I breathed in his scent and snuggled up next to
him—warm and safe. He made me whole.

“I love you,” I whispered.

“I love you too, you crazy Vampyre.” His
voice was hoarse, but laced with amusement.

I bolted up and took his face in my hands.
“Are you okay?”

“I’ve been better, but I would feel very
happy if you were naked.”

“You’re a sex addict.” I grinned and whipped
my shirt over my head.

“I’m your sex addict,” he shot, back removing
his pants and boxer briefs since he was already shirtless. I was
stunned motionless. How had I forgotten how beautiful he was?
Perfect.

“Pants need to go,” he said, sliding them and
my panties down my legs. “Stand up,” he commanded gruffly. I
stepped back and let him look. He reverently placed his lips on my
still flat stomach and bathed it in sweet kisses. “So gorgeous. So
beautiful. Mine.”

With Vampyre speed he put me underneath him.
His lips and hands were everywhere and I shuddered in anticipation.
His fangs scraped my breasts and my hips bucked involuntarily. His
erection pressed into my belly and I moaned.

“No foreplay, Ethan. Please, I need you
now.”

The sexy sound he made set my lower regions
on fire. I was wet and so ready. My head spun as he trailed his
mouth from mine to the place on my neck that made me senseless.

“Now,” I hissed, spreading my legs and
wrapping them around him.

“I aim to please,” he growled, lifting my ass
with his strong hands.

“Excuse me, kids, I know this might be a bad
time and all . . . ”

WTF? Grandpa?

“Oh my God,” I shrieked and rolled out from
under Ethan. Wrapping a sheet over my naked body and putting a
pillow over Ethan’s privates I glared at my grandfather. “Grandpa,
get out!”

“Right. Of course. I’ll meet you in the
living room,” he said, giving Ethan the thumbs up and winking at
me.

“Who was that?” Ethan demanded, frustrated
and pissed. “And how in the hell did he get in here?”

“My grandpa, and I have no clue. I cloaked
the house and locked the doors. Shit,” I groaned, looking at my
still fully erect mate. “We’re going to have to get back to this
later.” I ran my hand lightly over his ragingly hard erection and
damned my grandfather to Hell. I laughed as I realized how
redundant that was.

“You think this is funny? I’m not sure I can
walk. And if you touch me again,” he threatened, “I don’t care if
all of Hell is out there. I’m going to fuck my wife.”

“I like when you say that.” I giggled and
grabbed my clothes.

“Which part?” he asked as he retrieved his
torn pants and pulled them on.

“Um . . . all of it, but especially the wife
part.”

“You are my wife and my mate and everything
that matters to me. Always,” he said, pulling me into his strong
arms and kissing me thoroughly.

“Oh, Ethan,” I gasped and pulled back. “We
had all the history of Hell wrong.”

“What are you talking about?”

“Too long to tell you everything now, but my
dad, Abbadon, was not in charge. He was Satan’s mentally imbalanced
brother. He lied to your father.”

“Are you quite sure?”

“Very. Apparently he was a loose cannon and
everyone, including Satan, is delighted that he’s gone.”

“That explains the Uncle Satan thing,” Ethan
mused, still mulling over the fact that his race had believed what
turned out to be fiction for hundreds of years. “Does God
exist?”

“Yep. He’s Satan’s brother and he’s good and
lives in Heaven. Oh, and Heaven is not up above, it’s just a
different plane. Just like Hell isn’t below . . . different plane.
We share the same sun, moon and stars.”

“You’re making me dizzy,” he said, sitting on
the edge of the bed.

“Trust me, I know. Totally screwed up, but I
didn’t want you sounding like an idiot out there.”

“Why thank you,” he said sarcastically. I
realized it was going to take him hundreds of years to get used to
me not kissing his ass.

“No problem, sexy. Now come meet my
certifiable grandpa.”

“You’re a fucking Sprite,” Ethan bellowed in
disbelief. That certainly wasn’t the best first line when you meet
your mate’s extended family . . .

“Um . . . Ethan,” I stepped in front of him
just in case he decided to punctuate his anger with a little magic
or a fist. I knew my grandpa was a True Immortal and I had no clue
if that came with extra super powers. I just got my mate back and I
was taking no chances. “He’s a Sprite and a Demon. He’s the one who
helped me at my mother’s memorial service.”

“How did he help you?”

“He gave me the clue about how to kill her,”
I told him. This seemed to calm him down a little bit . . .

“Have you grabbed her ass?” Ethan demanded of
my grandpa, who was highly amused by all of this.

“Most certainly not,” he huffed. “I am far
too busy avoiding my shrew of a wife to be grabbing anyone’s ass.
And I would never grab my granddaughter’s ass. Ever.”

“Okay then, now that we’ve all met and
sniffed each other’s butts, why are you here and how in the hell
did you get through my cloaking?” I asked my cute little bastard of
a grandpa.

“Darling, nothing keeps me out of where I
want to be,” he explained, making himself comfortable on the
couch.

“You answered half. Why are you here?” I
demanded. Keeping my grandpa on track was similar to herding
greased cats.

“Fucking Sprites,” Ethan muttered under his
breath.

“I can hear you,” Grandpa snapped.

“I certainly hope so,” Ethan replied
politely.

Help me, Cousin Jesus.

“Enough.” I glared at Ethan and then turned
my ire on my gramps. “Spit it out or leave.”

“Fine, dear,” he sighed dramatically. “When
it came to my attention that you busted your boyfriend out I was
worried about both of you.”

“You knew he was being held? Like an animal?
Being molested by a slut named Lust?” I shouted.

“Yes. No and no,” he answered, looking a bit
put out.

“What exactly are you upset about?” I asked.
“The fact that he was being held or the torture he was being put
through?”

“I’m quite perturbed that I didn’t know this.
I am sorry that the father of your child was treated
disrespectfully, despite the fact that he is rude. That was not
ordered by anyone to my knowledge.”

“Would my Uncle Fucker have ordered
this?”

“Astrid, I’d avoid that endearment,” Gramps
admonished. “Lucifer’s sense of humor isn’t that broad.”

“I wasn’t joking.”

“Yes, well . . . let’s get back to the matter
at hand,” Grandpa was flustered. It was incongruous with what I’d
seen of him thus far, but what did I know? I thought he was a wall.
“How long do you feel that you’ve been here?” he asked Ethan.

“A day—maybe two. Do you run consecutively
with Earth time?”

“Not exactly,” Grandpa told him. “But you
confound me. You have your power. Vampyres are always rendered
magic-free in Hell. Why are you different?”

“Because of me,” I said. Both men looked at
me and waited. Ethan wasn’t going to like what I was about to say,
but . . . “He’s had my blood. Would that make the difference?”

Ethan’s jaw worked silently, but he said
nothing. Grandpa sat quietly and considered.

“Yes, it would make a difference if . . . ”
He stopped himself.

“If what?” I asked. The time for half stories
and ‘Let’s Let Astrid Figure It Out On Her Own’ was over. “If
what?” I repeated.

“I’m not at liberty to say,” he muttered and
rubbed his cute little head, making his hair stand on end.

“Oh, for God’s sake,” I yelled. “I’ve got a
little problem here and if you can help me I would really
appreciate it.”

“That’s Uncle God to you,” he corrected. I
rolled my eyes and plastered my arms to my sides so I wouldn’t slap
him.

“The issue is that I can survive a week in
Hell. I need to know how time is running,” Ethan said, avoiding eye
contact with me.

“You can only be here a week?” I shrieked and
Ethan nodded. “Can you find out or adjust the time thingie?” I
asked Grandpa frantically.

“That is very complicated.” Gramps looked
pained and frightened.

“If he dies I join him.”

“What? You can’t die.” Gramps was shocked.
Clearly he didn’t know everything.

“We’re mated—if one of us dies the other
follows. So as I see it, you have a couple of choices. Take us to a
portal so I can send Ethan home and complete whatever I have to do
here . . . ”

“Not an option,” Ethan snapped.

“Alrighty then, Pops, you have one choice.
Stop time on Earth until I find your stinking Sword of Death.”

“Shit.” Grandpa turned green and then ghostly
white. “There’s only one way.”

“Will it hurt?” I asked, expecting something
hideous.

“Not you, my dear. Me.”

That stopped me. As much as I wanted to
throttle the tiny man, I had fallen a little in love with my
grandpa. “Will it kill you?”

“Oh no,” he laughed. “I actually enjoy a bit
of pain.”

“TMI, Gramps. What do we have to do?”

“I have to call in a favor with your
grandma,” he whispered. His head snapped around and he fearfully
searched the room.

“Is she here?” I asked quietly, backing into
a corner in case the ceiling caved in.

“What’s happening?” Ethan asked, picking up
on the terror.

“Not sure,” I muttered, “but come stand by me
just in case.”

He hopped up and joined me. Grandpa swallowed
several times, ran his hands through his already messy hair and
then chanted in a language that was vaguely familiar to me. The
melody was transfixing and I found myself swaying.

Slowly the carpet turned to grass and the
furniture to boulders and bushes. The curtains transformed from
brocade to blindingly colorful flowering vines. The scents were
divine. Trees sprouted and burst through the ceiling. Heavy
unfamiliar orange and blood red fruit hung from the branches.
Pastel colored birds flew gracefully around the room and tiny
monkeys hopped from the limbs to the bushes. I idly wondered if the
house would ever go back to normal, but this was so gorgeous, I
didn’t really care.

“It’s beautiful,” I said as a purple bird
landed on my shoulder.

“Son of a bitch, shit, hellfire and
damnation,” a female voice screamed. “I was in the middle of
Jeopardy
. This had better be good, or I’ll turn your ass
into a tree.”

The voice, hypnotically beautiful, did not
match the words flying from the mouth of the disheveled beauty
standing in the middle of the forest that used to be a guesthouse.
She wore a gown made of a sheer sparkling fabric like none I’d ever
seen. Yards and yards of the tulle-like material floated around
her. Her hair was a wild mass of fiery red curls and her skin was a
pale porcelain. But her eyes . . . her eyes were the clearest,
brightest blue and they glittered. She was the most beautiful woman
I’d ever seen and she was pissed.

Her magic filled the room. It had an earthy
scent to it with a distinct undertone of malice. Every move she
made was sensual and dangerous. Shit, I hoped this was the right
decision.

“Bill, this is not good timing,” she hissed.
“That smug bastard Alex Trebek mispronounced a word and I was
watching the gas filled douchewanker squirm. It was glorious.”

Grandpa’s name was Bill? Satan’s father was
named Bill? How was that possible? I bit back the hysterical
laughter that was trapped in my throat and prayed that she wouldn’t
notice us.

“Gaia, lovely to see you,” Grandpa Bill
stuttered.

She eyed him critically and then gifted him
with a smile. A smile so brilliant, it would have killed a mere
mortal. Grandma had some major mojo going on . . .

“I prefer Gigi,” she snapped, turning to me.
“Grandma sounds old.”

Fuck, another mind reader.

She laughed with delight and then sucked in a
quick startled breath. Her eyes narrowed and she walked toward me.
Ethan being an alpha dude and my mate stepped in front of me,
staking his claim and warning Mother Nature.

“Silly, silly Vampyre,” she murmured, pushing
him away with a mere flick of her finger. “You. You are so
pretty.”

“Thank you, so are you,” I said and then went
for the big one. “I, um . . . killed your son—my father.”

“Yes, yes. Thank you, dear,” she muttered
searching my face.

Wow, not what I expected. No one like my dad
. . . not even his nutty mother. “Why in the hell is everyone so
scared of you?”

I heard Grandpa’s gasp and Ethan’s moan of
displeasure. I rolled my eyes. By now they had to know I was a
loose cannon. Having no clue how long Gigi was going to stick
around, I decided to get right down to business.

“Because I’m a woman with power and a monthly
cycle,” she said, adjusting her ample bosom. Bill cleared his
throat. Twice. “Alright, fine, I’m a little unstable and prone to
fits that result in earthquakes, typhoons and volcanic eruptions.
Happy?” she snapped and glared at her husband. He winked and she
giggled. Bizarre.

I shut my brain doors, knowing at some point
I would think something that would piss her off. Could I just ask
her to stop time? Did Grandpa need to ask? What would I owe
her?

“So is anybody going to tell me why I’m here?
There is a
Full House
marathon coming on and I think that
show is so heinous I must watch it.”

Mother Nature watches
Jeopardy
and
Full House
. . . How did I end up here? Only short months
ago I was a single art teacher with nothing exciting on the
horizon. Now I was a Vampyre-Demon who turns out to be related to
every mythical and religious figure imaginable. WTF?