Fashionably Dead Down Under (8 page)

“Don’t worry, Astrid. They have to behave
here,” Dixie said, pulling my reluctant body toward the Seven
Deadly Sins.

“Did you know when a male octopus finds his
mate he rips his own penis off and throws it at her? She then
inseminates herself and he grows another one,” Envy told her
sisters, much to their disgust. “Oh Astrid, you look to die for,”
she gushed.

“Already dead,” I replied, hoping she was
done with her sea creature sex stories. My response elicited
laughter from my gaggle of dangerous cousins.

“Isn’t she lovely, girls?” Envy asked,
looking directly at Lust who turned away in anger. What was that
about?

A breathtaking blonde eyed me with interest.
She had the same eyes and build as her sisters, but her coloring
was vastly different. “I’ve been waiting for you,” she said in a
voice that was even more hypnotic than her father’s. “I’m
Wrath.”

I stood and stared mutely at her. She was one
powerful Demon. Wrath stood and approached. Every instinct I had
was to step back, but I held my ground. Being tested repeatedly in
Hell was wearing me out.

“Nice to meet you, Wrath.” I held out my
hand, but she took me in her arms and laid a big wet one
dangerously close to my mouth.
Alrighty then
. Her arms
around my body were drenched in magic—strong magic. “You are very
powerful,” she whispered in my ear, sending shivers of sheer terror
down my spine. “It’s good to have you here.”

“Um, thanks,” I said, extricating myself and
moving away. I knew I may have lost a few points by moving out of
lip range, but I had no intention of making out with my Cousin
Wrath.

“Did you realize that huge penises were
thought to be disgusting in Ancient Greece? That’s why all the
statues are sporting itty bitty marble man junk,” Envy said,
reading straight from her phone.

“Give me the phone before I zap it and shove
it up your ass,” one of the sisters I hadn’t been introduced to
said. It had to be Gluttony, Pride or Sloth . . . I was betting on
Sloth. Although beautiful, she was a wrinkled mess and looked as if
she’d just rolled out of bed.

“That’s Sloth,” Dixie said, confirming my
guess. Sloth grinned and nodded. “And the other two are Pride and
Gluttony.” All three girls had varying shades of dark brown hair
and golden eyes. They were identical for all intents and purposes,
only little things made them differ. It was difficult to tell them
apart except for Sloth’s sloppiness. “They’re triplets,” Dixie
added.

“Wow.” It was all I could think of to say.
This was a whole new world of strange. I was a bit overwhelmed by
my new family and not in a warm and fuzzy way.

“So Dixie,” Greed said with her hands clasped
in excitement. “I think you’re going to be assigned tonight.”

“But I’m too young,” she gasped. She grabbed
my arm so tightly I was sure a bone would snap. Her dismay and fear
were so evident that I stayed still and let her maim me. I was a
Vamp. I’d heal.

“Oh, honey child, I was fourteen when I got
assigned,” Greed laughed and kissed her forehead.

What the hell did assigned mean? Clearly
Dixie wasn’t on board with it.

“That was eight hundred years ago,” Dixie
said.

“You’re twenty,” Envy chimed in, “and for
whatever reason, Daddy thinks you’re going to come into a bunch of
power very soon.”

“Wouldn’t it be better if I was at home when
my powers emerged?” my sweet and terrified cousin asked.

“Nope.” Envy smiled and ran her beautifully
manicured hand down Dixie’s cheek. “There are things happening that
need to be dealt with and Daddy thinks you’re the gal to do
it.”

Dixie was on the verge of tears and I was
sure my arm would never be the same. I was tempted to ask what they
were talking about, but I was afraid if I opened my mouth I would
scream in pain.

“I haven’t had much training and I suck at
being a Demon,” Dixie said desperately.

“Oh baby,” Sloth cooed, pulling her close and
thankfully disengaging her from my arm. “You’re a beautiful Demon.
None of us were trained before we were assigned. Lucifer believes
in on the job training. You can’t conquer the world without failing
miserably first, sweetie.”

“What if all I do is fail?” she
whispered.

“You won’t, my darling.” Wrath smiled and
gave her baby sister a quick hug.

“Of course you can bring your imaginary
friend,” Lust said and elbowed Pride with glee. Dixie blushed a
deep red and stared at the floor. She certainly seemed a little old
for an imaginary friend, but who was I to judge? Growing up in Hell
surrounded by nightmare inducing siblings had to be hard.

“Shut up, Lust. Stop being a bitch.” Wrath
turned on Lust so quickly the air around us cooled. Lust closed her
mouth and stared daggers at her sister. “You do not want to fuck
with me,” Wrath hissed, advancing on Lust.

“Enough,” Greed snapped and separated her
sisters before they had a go at each other. If this was good
behavior, I would hate to see the alternative.

“Ohhhh, here he comes,” Sloth said, causing
all to stand at attention.

A hush fell over the room as Satan entered.
His beauty was absurd. Demons were an extraordinary looking race,
but Satan put all to shame. His black Armani suit fit to perfection
and he wore his black silk shirt open at the neck. It wasn’t just
his looks, it was his aura—something intangible. Sheer
unadulterated power. It was obvious by the reaction in the room
that he instilled rabid loyalty, adoration and fear. He was beloved
by his people and despised by his enemies. And he clearly loved
being in charge.

“Good evening, my Demons,” Satan laughed,
showing even white teeth and dimples that brought women to their
knees. My cousin Greed snuck up behind me, poked me in the ribs and
made a gagging sound as all the women in the room swooned over her
father—my uncle. I stifled my grin and watched the drama
unfold.

“Greed,” Dixie whispered in a panic, “am I
getting assigned because I sent money to feed humans?”

“Of course not,” Greed whispered back. “Now
hush.”

She did.

“Welcome my people,” the Devil’s voice boomed
through the Grand Ballroom. His second in command, Cole, stood on
his right and the skanky consort Amanda stood on his left.

“That’s certainly new,” Envy said under her
breath.

“What’s new?” I asked, looking around. Dumb
question because everything was new to me, but I was curious and
Envy was approachable . . . kind of.

“I’ve never known a consort to stand so close
to him at a public event. She has some big balls.” Envy glanced
around at her sisters who were watching their father and mistress
with great concern.

“Tonight is a night for celebration.” He
grinned and my breath caught. His beauty was ridiculous. “My
consort carries my child and she tells me it’s a son.”

A gasp went through the crowd and my cousins
froze. A giant wave of applause engulfed the ballroom.

“How is that possible?” Wrath hissed. “He’s
never sired a son. Only daughters.”

“I don’t know,” Envy shrugged in
confusion.

“Is it his?” Sloth asked.

“If it’s not, she’s dead.” Lust laughed.
“Personally I hope it’s not. I can’t stand that bitch.”

Amanda smiled at the crowd and rubbed her yet
to pop belly. Damn, as much as I didn’t like her, I had to agree
with Lust. Amanda was gross. The crowd eyed the consort with
distrust. The applause continued, but there was much speculative
whispering. She moved to Satan and put her arms around him, trying
to establish ownership, but apparently that was a little premature
for one who had not yet borne him a child. My uncle peeled her off
and walked away, leaving her humiliated and alone.

“Is this how it was when I was conceived?”
Dixie asked her sisters.

“No, we didn’t know anything about you till
Daddy brought you to Hell when you were three years old.”

“Where was I for my first three years?”

“Probably with your imaginary friend.” Lust
laughed at her cruel joke.

“Why don’t you leave her alone,” I snapped.
I’d had just about enough of her and her shitty attitude. Dixie had
just learned something shocking she never knew before.

“Why don’t you make me,” she shot back. Her
eyes turned red and dark magic seeped out of her. I knew my own
eyes turned green and I itched to take her out.

“My pleasure.” I stepped toward her.

“While I’d love to see Astrid kick your
skinny ass,” Wrath grinned, “now is not the time or place.”

We both backed off, but this was far from
over.

“We don’t know where you were,” Greed told
Dixie, ignoring the fact that a girl fight had just been averted.
“But we’re happy you’re ours.”

“I wonder if Amanda got the memo that once
you bear Satan’s child that he kicks your ass to the curb.” Pride
muttered and straightened her immaculate hair.

“Clearly big fake lipped and fake boobed
Amanda doesn’t think that applies to her since she plans to blow
out a boy,” Wrath said thoughtfully.

“You do realize that her Sexy Pet name is
Donkey Nipples,” Envy grunted, trying not to laugh. I bit down on
my lip and held my own laughter in. I suppose it was good they were
funny considering they were as dangerous as all get out.

“Yes, that had occurred to me.” Greed giggled
and high fived her sister. “I dare you to call her that,” she
challenged.

“I’ll do it,” I said with pure immature
bravado, imagining the horrified look on Amanda’s face. “Wait . . .
can I get killed for that?”

“No,” Wrath said. “You are a guest. We don’t
have guests killed very often.”

“Good to know,” I mumbled and wondered why I
offered to put my head on the chopping block. Did I want them to
like me? Was I so desperate for a family that I would risk my life
to make them laugh . . . Apparently yes. I needed to get out of
here. I had a much nicer, if slightly unstable family on Earth.

“Holy shit,” Gluttony gasped. It was the
first time I heard her speak and it was like music. “Did you
realize that the main characters in Sponge Bob Square Pants were
based on us?” She was
of course
on Facebook. The sheer irony
. . .

“Who am I? Patrick?” Sloth asked with a huge
grin.

“Yep,” Gluttony told her. “And I’m Gary.”

“Am I Plankton?” Wrath asked.

“Nope, you’re Squidward. Greed is Mr. Crabs,
Envy is Plankton, Pride is Sandy and Lust is Sponge Bob,” Gluttony
sputtered.

“How in the living Hell am I Sponge Bob?”
Lust demanded. “There isn’t one sexy thing about Sponge Bob.”

“Don’t know, sexy pants, but that’s what
Facebook says, so it’s true.”

“Bullshit,” Lust griped. “Facebook
sucks.”

“Quiet, Daddy’s not finished dropping bombs.”
Envy shushed her sisters.

“He’s losing his fucking mind,” Wrath hissed
with disgust.

“I couldn’t agree more,” Lust added.

Were they serious? Was Lucifer insane? If he
was, what did that mean for me? Would I ever get out of Hell if
he’d lost his marbles? Shitshitdamnshit. I moved stealthily behind
Wrath and Lust just in case they had anymore nuggets of wisdom to
impart. I needed to be armed with everything and anything I could
learn.

“Another reason I have called you here
tonight is to celebrate my beautiful daughter Dixie.”

The Demonic crowd went wild. She may not be
evil, but she was certainly well liked. Satan held his hand out to
her and she went to him like a moth to a flame. His magic filled
the room and his power was undeniable. If he had gone crazy we were
all in for a hell of a ride.

“It is your turn to be assigned,” he told
Dixie. “You shall transport to Earth in six months and serve me
well.”

Dixie’s chin dropped to her chest and her
shoulders slumped forward. I barely heard her whisper, “Yes,
Father.”

Two large fingers lifted her chin, forcing
her to meet his gaze. “This is not a punishment,” he said quietly,
“it’s your birth rite and your duty.”

“I know, Daddy,” she replied, “and I’m
honored to serve you.”

“You have no idea who you are yet,” he told
her.

“Would you like to give me a hint?” Dixie
gave him a lopsided smile. A wash of light laughter went through
the crowd of Demons watching the exchange between Satan and his
daughter.

“It’s not my way to pave a path of ease,” he
said. “I fear I may have done too much for you already.”

“I would quite agree with that,” Amanda
hissed under their breath.

Oops, guess Amanda didn’t get the memo about
Satan’s super duper mega hearing skills. His body stiffened in rage
and his power and anger bounced off the walls of the Grand
Ballroom. The crowd of Demons gasped in delight, dying for a bloody
showdown. I couldn’t help that I hoped he would destroy her as
well. I felt a strong strand of magic and power jolt through my
body as I owned my evil thoughts about Amanda. It felt
good—entirely too good.

The Devil slowly turned to his consort and
with a deadly calm ground out, “You will never interrupt me when I
am talking to one of my children. Ever again.”

Amanda blanched and dropped to her knees.
Satan stared at her for a moment as a snicker went through the
crowd of Demons. She trembled with fury. Her fisted hands pressed
to her sides were a sure giveaway. She was an idiot of epic
proportions.

“She had better have a boy and it better be
his or Amanda is toast,” Greed snickered.

Satan raised his eyes to the room, clearly
dismissing his furious consort. “Who will accompany my prized
daughter Dixie to Earth in six months? Who will earn my favor by
risking their immortality for a Child of Lucifer?”

The crowd murmured and looked around to see
who was brave enough or stupid enough to go with her.

All of what I assumed to be Satan’s generals
including his second, Cole, stepped forward immediately. That was
to be expected and Satan nodded his approval. What came next I
didn’t expect.